Author Topic: Advice, please  (Read 5923 times)

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trwme

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RE: Advice, please
« Reply #30 on: February 14, 2010, 02:40:04 pm »
Well, this is my thinking. Whoever I end up with (IF that happens) will inevitably find out how many times I've been married. For one thing, when you start the immigration process you have to give them (the immigration agencies) that information, along with original copies of the divorce decrees, and all the relevant info. If I remember right, the lady will need copies of those documents to send in with hers. I suppose I could go around telling everyone here to lie about it, and never mention it. I'm not big on lying though. And I don't think I could keep that a secret forever. I think I'd rather try to get that out of the way on the front end, but with as much finesses as possible. David makes some good points though. Here in the west multiple marriages/divorces is not as big a deal, but I can tell the chinese are a lot more conservative about this, and good for them.

Now, I did tell Liang (the lady who gave me her private email addy in her admiration letter that I've been writing to) how many times I've been married, and she did ask me some questions-but as was noted here by others, she was more concerned, it seems, about the last one, and whether that was truly over. Almost all of her questions were in regards to the last one. I think it helps that the last one moved 1,600 miles away back to her native Canada.  Liang understood that there was no way to maintain a relationship at that distance.

But see, there is a plus side to all of this. I raised my two sons by myself, and I am raising my daughter by myself currently. I think that shows Liang (and should show any other lady I contact) that I am responsible and committed to my family. I can't share those positive details without exposing the negative ones. I can tell it is something Liang likes about me.
Quote from: 'Vince G' pid='31710' dateline='1266175251'

Hajo? How are you? Hows married life? Been a long time since we saw you here.

For the others, I never give info on my past. Oh I'll tell them I'm divorced and things like that but to go into detail? A big NO! NO! First, they don't want to hear it. They may seem interested but they are gathering ammo for another time.

I found chinese women don't care to hear or say it anyway. No details. It's just like going for a new job. If you say in an interview the old boss was a idiot he didn't know.... whatever, the chance of getting that new job dropped to 0. They figure you'll talk about them just the same.


I see what you are saying, Vince. Let me make clear I am NOT going into the gory details, unless asked to. I simply say, 'I've been married X amount of times'. If they ask questions, I'll only give details to the extent needed to answer the questions. I don't put all the blame on the woman; for example, my second divorce I take all the blame for. The first time I was 19 and she was 17; we were both way too young for it. And I've only had one (real) marriage in the last 22 years; I did get married one other time in that span, but my gf was pregnant and so I married her for the sake of the child knowing it wasn't going to last. This is how I explain it, without trashing the women involved.
« Last Edit: February 14, 2010, 02:56:25 pm by trwme »

Offline Hajo

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RE: Advice, please
« Reply #31 on: February 14, 2010, 02:57:52 pm »
I think you are to much concerned about this. I believe that Liang is mostly concerned about how you will treat your future relationship. Therefore the questions about your last relationship. As I told you before, tell her that you have been married x-times and let her come with questions. She will ask you if there is something that worries her.
爱你的人如果没有按你所希望的方式来爱你,那并不代表他们没有全心全意地爱你。
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

trwme

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RE: Advice, please
« Reply #32 on: February 14, 2010, 03:13:14 pm »
Quote from: 'Hajo' pid='31715' dateline='1266177472'

I think you are to much concerned about this. I believe that Liang is mostly concerned about how you will treat your future relationship. Therefore the questions about your last relationship. As I told you before, tell her that you have been married x-times and let her come with questions. She will ask you if there is something that worries her.


That's pretty much my approach, Hajo. I'm not going into the 'whys' unless asked, and then I do it as gracefully as possible, and some stuff I won't ever share about what actually went on. It's not that I am so much concerned about it, as I know who I am now, like David was pointing me to. But it is a reality I have to deal with at some level. I can't just say 'Oh yeah, I was married before, it didn't work out'.

Thanks again for everyone's input though, I do greatly appreciate it.

Arnold

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RE: Advice, please
« Reply #33 on: February 14, 2010, 03:28:50 pm »
Roy , the Guy's here really gave great advice not only to you but I love and appreciate it all the same . As my situation is a little different , as I only was married ones and she passed away after 30 year's of Marriage . So , my Wife looks at this ... and see's what a faithful Husband I've been . She does asked many question's of my past marriage , but I have nothing to hide .. so I will tell her as much as she want's to hear . I still have a whole Room ( guest bedroom ) full of my late wife's Photo's and she does not mind at all . Because all she see's is a good Husband from that . To tell you the truth , I really wonder ... how would I feel , if it was all reversed ???
Knowing myself , I don't think .. I would take it that easy .

So in your situation , with the great advice from the Guy's that answered your question and how you feel ... your well on the right Path with this . Good Luck and have a great year of the Tiger .

trwme

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RE: Advice, please
« Reply #34 on: February 14, 2010, 03:55:46 pm »
Quote from: 'Arnold' pid='31718' dateline='1266179330'

Roy , the Guy's here really gave great advice not only to you but I love and appreciate it all the same . As my situation is a little different , as I only was married ones and she passed away after 30 year's of Marriage . So , my Wife looks at this ... and see's what a faithful Husband I've been . She does asked many question's of my past marriage , but I have nothing to hide .. so I will tell her as much as she want's to hear . I still have a whole Room ( guest bedroom ) full of my late wife's Photo's and she does not mind at all . Because all she see's is a good Husband from that . To tell you the truth , I really wonder ... how would I feel , if it was all reversed ???
Knowing myself , I don't think .. I would take it that easy .

So in your situation , with the great advice from the Guy's that answered your question and how you feel ... your well on the right Path with this . Good Luck and have a great year of the Tiger .


Hi Arnold, thanks for the encouragement, and congrats on your new lady-sounds like you found a wonderful one. I hope I can come out the other end of this as blessed as you are.

Like I said elsewhere, I'd be a fool not to listen and take advantage of the counsel and advice offered by those who actually know something about the culture and the pitfalls in doing this. That's why I am asking questions and putting stuff out there on this list. I am a pretty intelligent guy, and I have a lot of confidence in my own intelligence, BUT I am also smart enough to know when I am out of my depth on something and need to be instructed. I consider all the advice I am getting as useful and given in the spirit of helping me along the path I've chosen here, and I am thankful for it all. It's not easy to humble myself and put some of this out in public, but it seems necessary to me to do so.

Good luck in the new year to you and your lady as well, friend!

ttwjr32

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RE: Advice, please
« Reply #35 on: February 14, 2010, 07:20:30 pm »
Trwme,

just be yourself, show her the type of man you are now. that is what these ladies are
interested in. they know people make mistakes and learn from them. but their main concern
is who you are now! not who you were! best wishes in your journey

Offline odysseus007

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RE: Advice, please
« Reply #36 on: February 14, 2010, 09:12:02 pm »
Hey old friend,
TIMING is key here, in the beginning don't say so much that it scares her off. Slowly release some hint if opportunity arises. By the end, when she's already in too deep, it will not matter much. Since by then your personality & prowess :icon_cheesygrin: will have done their work. If she objects even then, you may reassign the assasination squad lool.
Men are great thinkers coz they have 2 heads (just don't think with the wrong one!) & women are great talkers coz they have 2...:icon_cheesygrin:

trwme

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RE: Advice, please
« Reply #37 on: February 15, 2010, 07:16:23 am »
Quote from: 'odysseus007' pid='31745' dateline='1266199922'

Hey old friend,
TIMING is key here, in the beginning don't say so much that it scares her off. Slowly release some hint if opportunity arises. By the end, when she's already in too deep, it will not matter much. Since by then your personality & prowess :icon_cheesygrin: will have done their work. If she objects even then, you may reassign the assasination squad lool.


Well, Liang asked me how many times I'd been married, so she set the timing on that one. We'll see what happens with any others I end up contacting.

And don't sweat the assasination squad-they've been recalled ;~) They said there were two guys at your place who looked similar, but they thought maybe one of them had been photoshopped into a chip'n dale.....lol.

shaun

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RE: Advice, please
« Reply #38 on: February 15, 2010, 09:12:05 am »
Roy,

I think what everyone is trying to say is do not bring it up.  A Chinese woman will ask what they think they need to know.  The more details you offer when they ask, will lend it self to more issues to discuss.  These women think completely different than American women do so you need to let them set the course of their understanding of you.

(Men for those of you that do not want to see a Christian discussion please skip this paragraph!)
Roy being a Christian you have been influenced to give testimony of the issues God has helped you to overcome.  It is accepted here in the US.  In China it is completely different.  Remember Christianity is not by any means mainstream there.  They do have churches in public view there but it is still mostly underground.  It is good to tell the woman that you are a Christian but you need to slow boat that aspect of the relationship.  I am talking with a woman who will not say she is a Christian but does say that she prays to the same God I do.  Three or four conversations later I was able to learn that she prays to one God only.  You have to take it slow because they think big brother is watching and he is.  Do not deny your beliefs but realize the environment you are reaching into.  After a period of time you will see what I am talking about.

Shaun
« Last Edit: February 15, 2010, 09:14:22 am by shaun »

Vince G

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RE: Advice, please
« Reply #39 on: February 15, 2010, 11:45:33 am »
Quote from: 'shaun' pid='31757' dateline='1266243125'


Men for those of you that do not want to see a Christian discussion please skip this paragraph!


Take it somewhere else, preacher boy...

Just kidding, just kidding guys!

trwme

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RE: Advice, please
« Reply #40 on: February 15, 2010, 01:41:50 pm »
Quote from: 'shaun' pid='31757' dateline='1266243125'

Roy,

I think what everyone is trying to say is do not bring it up.  A Chinese woman will ask what they think they need to know.  The more details you offer when they ask, will lend it self to more issues to discuss.  These women think completely different than American women do so you need to let them set the course of their understanding of you.

(Men for those of you that do not want to see a Christian discussion please skip this paragraph!)
Roy being a Christian you have been influenced to give testimony of the issues God has helped you to overcome.  It is accepted here in the US.  In China it is completely different.  Remember Christianity is not by any means mainstream there.  They do have churches in public view there but it is still mostly underground.  It is good to tell the woman that you are a Christian but you need to slow boat that aspect of the relationship.  I am talking with a woman who will not say she is a Christian but does say that she prays to the same God I do.  Three or four conversations later I was able to learn that she prays to one God only.  You have to take it slow because they think big brother is watching and he is.  Do not deny your beliefs but realize the environment you are reaching into.  After a period of time you will see what I am talking about.

Shaun


Hi Shaun,

Thanks for that, it is something I was wondering about. I noticed several profiles that mentioned God, or Adam's rib, but very few that gave their religion as 'christian', most just say 'none', even the ones that mention 'God' or 'the God' in their self description. I figure at some point spiritual issues will come out, and I did mention that I am a 'spiritual person' in my correspondence with Liang, and with another lady I contacted here recently. I also put my religion down as 'christianity' on my profile. As I mentioned elsewhere on this site, I spend a lot of time writing about God, religion, and scriptures online on multiple yahoo discussion groups-three of which I own. So it is no small issue in my life. It defines a huge part of what I do and who I am. I am not necessarily 'mainstream' in my beliefs, but when it gets down to the bottom line I do identify myself as christian.

I'll work at being patient and sensitive to the enviroment the ladies have to deal with. Thanks for the heads up, and any other insight you could share on this would be greatly appreciated.

One other thing. I sent some cupids to a couple of ladies who did identify themselves as christian-and got rejected, lol. Go figure. Guess the 'brothers' maybe got there first? :angel:

Quote from: 'shaun' pid='31757' dateline='1266243125'
« Last Edit: February 15, 2010, 01:43:41 pm by trwme »

ttwjr32

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RE: Advice, please
« Reply #41 on: February 15, 2010, 06:37:58 pm »
the catholic church here in Guangzhou has i would say about close to
2000 people there every sunday for service. and there are churches for
all denominations here but in most cities i beleive Shaun is right they are
hard to find

Arnold

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RE: Advice, please
« Reply #42 on: February 15, 2010, 07:19:29 pm »
Shanghai has an old and wonderful Catholic Church right on top of Shanghai Mountain (which Qing calls Hills ) . This Church has burned down more then ones in it's time . I will look up some Photo's I took of it . Qing also showed me one right in the middle of Shanghai , which she showed me .. in case I was thinking about getting married there . Tinny little thing among all the high buildings . I could not see/tell that Catholic Religion was surpressed in any way , as People gone in and out openly praying like in any Buddist Temple we've been to .

ttwjr32

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RE: Advice, please
« Reply #43 on: February 17, 2010, 06:27:17 pm »
there not surpressed in the bigger cities at all Arnold it is just
a little bit of a problem in the smaller cities finding one if that
is your desire. Guangzhou has all the denominations here with
a few of each in different areas

David5o

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RE: Advice, please
« Reply #44 on: February 17, 2010, 06:56:11 pm »
All religions are looked down on in China, that is the official stand of the Communist party.
But they know they would be fighting a losing battle trying to totally suppress them all. So in the last 25+ years or so, they have let the people worship pretty much how they choose.
Maybe the western religions are looked down on more in the smaller cities, but i'm sure if you look hard enough, you'd probably find a church/place of worship that suits your needs, albeit all undertaken/practiced in Chinese!!!

David......
« Last Edit: February 17, 2010, 06:56:49 pm by David5o »