2nd China Trip. Beijing, Is this the right Path?

[zook144]

I was going to hold off posting anything about my upcoming trip until about a week before i go. Which will be march 5. From virginia to Beijing then on to Handan. But after talking with Sha this morning and some of the questions she asked, I thought I would go ahead and post and perhaps get some perspective about some of her questions and what I have had on my mind.
First of all, I feel better about this trip than my last one. Different city, different lady. We have had a lot more webcam contact than I did with the previous one. Really only used about 5 or 6 EMF's. Then went to text messages, email then webcam. So, I feel I know her better, than just writing EMF letters. However, there are still questions. I know better than to think about things before they happen, but still they are on my mind. She has told me she lives a comfortable life. Has a steady income. Enjoys her job and evidently they treat her well. To be honest, i feel almost guilty to be even thinking about the possiblity of taking her away from that. If she comes here to US, I am almost sure she will not be able to find a job equal to the one she has. Her English is limited, and even with the year or so she would wait for a visa, she could learn English fairly well. Still what kind of job awaits her here. Fast Food, a waitress. I do not think it is or would be fair. To take her from what she has, to what she may end up doing when she gets here. She asked this question of me this morning. And I gave her the most honest answer I could. I told her I would not lie. It will be difficult. She would have to learn English in the time before she comes here and then see what happens. I did not know what else to say. I know it will be hard.
Then the question ...what if I miss my Mother too much?   Yes, I was waiting on that one to show up eventually. It is only her, her mother, and her daughter. Her father passed away a long time ago. So it has been just her and her mother for a long time. And now her daughter who is 10. The answer here I gave....if you get homesick, you will have to make a trip to China to visit. And you will get homesick. No question in my mind.   Next question....My mother afraid you will treat me bad.  I tell her that is not my way. To treat my wife and partner badly. I want us both to be happy. If one is not happy, the other cannot be either.
Anyway, she took all my answers and seemed satisfied with them.  Now my questions to you are.....what experience do any of you have with your Chinese spouse finding work when they came to US or elsewhere?We are talking about a lady doing (as far as I can tell) regular office and clerical work. And how long did it take for the matter of "Momma coming to live with us" to come up?  And did any of you have to fight the belief that "the big bad American will treat you badly".
Just some things that have been on my mind, and now obviously on hers.  Any insight would be appreciated.

Don

[Arnold]

Don , first ... yes of course I was checked over every well and some more before they felt comfortable enough with me to take good care of my Sweetheart . I do not have to worry about the Parent's being taken care of , as they can do that very well and still also have a Son that is well off too .
You do have to take this in count , her missing the Folks and expect to come up with the means to send her or both of you back for Visit's when needed . My Wife is using Skype now and Webcam will lessen being homesick somewhat but not all . I keep a close watch on my Wife's feeling's in that department believe me . It's a must .
About my Wife finding a Job , we talked about this also . She like to work at a Bank , as she thinks that is a very good Job to have . I agree with her . I told her she does not need a College degree for that . You just take money from People and give them money and ones in awhile bring some Home for us . hahaha
So since my Neighbor's Girlfriend works at BOA she can help us with that somewhat . Otherwise , we'll see ? She does know three Languages , that should be good for something .

[Josh Markley]

Don,  My situation was different as you know I am not married but all of the questions you had I also had.  My lady at the time was also worried about the good things.  After Xu Le's parents met me they were no longer worried about the safety of their daughter living abroad.  They also saw how much I respected and loved their daughter so they had no worries of me being abusive.  When the work thing came into play, she was middle management for a japanese company.  I was worried that she would not find a job that was good enough for her.  So I did some searching and I know the courts are always looking for translators as her English gets better.  And of course she heard from a friend that manicurist made good money and a lot were Asian, so she was very interested in this.

[zook144]

Thanks for the input guys.  I just want to make sure she is happy if and when she comes here.  But, I know worrying about it now is kind of like  putting the cart before the horse. First things first.  The trip to China.
Ted, did you and your wife live in the US before you settled in China?

Don

[Vince G]

Don, There is nothing wrong with the concern and the thinking ahead. I do it all the time. :icon_biggrin:

My lady and I have talked about it, coming here to live, etc. My situation is almost one of a kind so figuring what will work isn't easy. Both her parents have passed and there isn't any children. But I still consider she may miss her family, friends, culture. So I can only propose what can be done after in different stages. It all depends on a business whether we will go to China and stay a while or just when possible. It depends on how things play out but I am always thinking how to make her feel at home and comfortable.

[JimB]

My wife and I have discussed this quite a bit.  She is looking forward to coming to the USA, but of course worried about her English.  A job is not the main problem as she is a nurse with over 20 years experience and she is a surgical Physicians assistant in the OR.  But she will have to know enough English to pass her licensing exam.  We have discussed her missing her family.  She wants to come back every two years and visit.  No p;roblem there. But Mama keeps telling me that when I get rich, she wants me to buy a house next to her so her daughter can be there.  I try to tell her unless I win the lottery it will be hard pressed to get rich as this stage of my life.  She has a hard time understanding that so I just let it go.  I told my wife she is welcome to come to the US and live with us but, she says no.  we discussed this before we got married and everything was worked out.  It seems that is what your doing now and that is a good thing.  I will tell you this I think Arnold is your best advisor about all of this.  He has been through it all.  If you listen to him I dont think you can go wrong.

[ttwjr32]

Don,

no before i settled in China i lived in the USA and Siying lived in China. having been to China
and staying there a multitude amount of times i wanted to retire and go there to live. we will
go back to the USA when Siying is done working. she wanted to work another 4 or 5 years so
she will be able to get her retirement from the govt. my past experiences with China and bringing
my wife to the USA was from my first marriage to a chinese lady that didnt work out for me. which
actually was my second marriage after my first of 24 years was no longer.

Ted

[UK Mark]

Missing mum is a big conversation topic between myself and Sissi (My Wife) , Sissi would love her mom to come and live with us here , but it seems impossible, so we are going to try and get mom a visitors visa once we are settled here , I will keep the option for Sissi to travel back to China whenever she feels she needs to , she is very close to her mum (divorced from dad so alone) .. makes me realise what she is giving up by marrying me ..

We hope to be lucky in the work department as Sissi's English is very good as she is a translator (not for ChinaLove) also speaking German and French .. ideally something using her language skills.

All i can suggest is talk open and honest about everything and always remember living away from family . friends in a new cultural society will take a lot of getting used to

[David5o]

Reading this thread so far.... i think i'm lucky in so many ways, compared to many here. I don't have the problem of Lucy getting home sick, as she works with export companies in China, which involves returning to China pretty regularly. She also speaks, writes English better than some of us from English speaking countries, (ex asst' Professor of English) and can also hold a fairly decent conversation in Greek here with the locals!! (self taught!!) ...lol!!! And although she would dearly have loved to of had a child, alas it just didn't happen for her.

She is also used to traveling with work, as she used to be a business translator, and later combined with being a business negotiator. So knew the Western culture quite well long before i met her.

So, when reading others concerns and fears of bringing there wife's to there own countries, it really brought home, just how lucky i am with Lucy.

Even when i visit China, i can converse with her family pretty much freely in English, as all of her immediate family are also English speakers, her father especially so. Her father, his brother and her brother are, or were University English lecturers.  Mum was taught by Dad, and although she speaks English quite well, her understanding of what's been said can be a little adrift at times...haha!!!


One things for sure though, these Chinese women don't give-up easily, if they Need to learn English they will do there up-most to learn. in fact they will do there up-most in everything they think they need do, to make there family a ''Happy Family'' What else could we possibly ask for Guy's??


David....

[shaun]

David,

That last paragraph is so true. Peggy learns 100 English words to my one Chinese word.

[brett]

This is a gigantic worry for me. I don't think my lady has really thought about moving away from her folks. On the other hand she can't exactly live at home for the rest of her life.

I guess if she doesn't like England then we'll move somewhere else. But she is a bit of a princess, and will have to balance up being in China & being skint or being in England and having plenty of money :icon_cheesygrin:. I can guess which she would prefer.

Actually as far as I can tell as long as ladies get to go back for new year they would be quite happy - after all many Chinese work far away from home and only return home a couple of times a year.

Our Ladies seem to learn English real fast, although my lady is going to be surprised at how many characters I can read.

[Willy The Londoner]

I guess if she doesn't like England then we'll move somewhere else. But she is a bit of a princess, and will have to balance up being in China & being skint or being in England and having plenty of money :icon_cheesygrin:. I can guess which she would prefer.

Actually as far as I can tell as long as ladies get to go back for new year they would be quite happy - after all many Chinese work far away from home and only return home a couple of times a year.

How certain are you of the fact that they will be happy getting back just for the New Year.  She could find the right man who wanted to live in China and she would be well off and happy!!!
Many Chinese do work a long way from home - True that is because they have too - given the choice the vast majority would prefer to stay closer to their homes.

Ok at the moment I am having problems with my bank which should be resolved in the next seven days but my wife, before we married, had an income of just 1000 rmb a month - now she has to make do with 10 times that amount.  But she blesses the day that I told her that we would be living well in China rather than just getting by in the UK.

Just remember the Credit Crunch is due to return to the UK at the end of this year when the banks have to start paying back the money they borrowed from the government.  Mortgages will be harder to get and business loans will be almost unheard of and more jobs will go with it.  No ones job will be safe neither public or private.  if anyone thought the credit crunch was over - think again.

I would rather be 'Skint' in China than continue living elsewhere.

Willy

[ttwjr32]

Skint???  ok Willy what does that stand for ?  

i do think and believe that the ladies would like to remain in
China if that was an option for them and also be with their
man here. but they do know not many men are ready nor
capable to reside in China as they must continue to work

and then you have us 2 old farts (Willy,Me) who have an
income to be able to do this and live well here so it works
out well for us. if your retired and have income then i suggest
living here with your wife while you do the papers to get her
to go to your home. she would love the idea and you would enjoy
your stay here

[David5o]

Ted,

''SKINT'', Stands for being penniless. It's a pretty commonly used word in the UK!! Not sure where that word originates from, but i'm sure someone here will know !!  lol!!!

David...

[Vince G]

skint |skint|
adjective Brit., informal
(of a person) having little or no money available : I'm a bit skint just now.
ORIGIN 1920s: variant of colloquial skinned, in the same sense, past participle of skin .

Thanks to Mac Dictionary :icon_biggrin: