Am I being paranoid ?

[john1964]

Dont really know how to start here, I have noticed some changes, Every Monday and  Wednesday I drive MinYing to her English lessons in the city, About 4 weeks ago I noticed an Arab/ dark skin, gentleman outside having a smoke and when my wife got out of the car his face lit-up and he greeted her and followed her in to the building, Same thing happened the next day, Her clothes were always very casual to go to school but lately she has changed her style when going to school, Stunning to put it, Tonight she wore a black see-thru top and some very tight stockings/ leotard , I just joked to her, Are you going to see your b/f. she said YES.
Last week on Saturday night she drunk 3 glasses of red wine and was very drunk, she was sending me text messages from the kitchen saying I dont love her and I love another Chinese woman, "WHERE DID THIS COME FROM ?",Anyway, she was totally leg-less, I took her to the bedroom and stripped her and put her to sleep, I went back to the lounge and her phone was on the table, I sat there for a moment and then did something i swore i would never do, I looked , She has recently installed a pass-code, never before she has used one, I have a good memory for numbers as from my weekly business books and accounts and I saw her type the code in from before, I went to her  "WE-CHAT", account "which is like QQ", She talks to a man named BILL,local, in a message she asked him "what benefits he could give her , He also asked if she would like to see some naughty photos of himself, I was shocked and then read no-further, I turned off the phone and put it back on the table, She staggered from the bedroom moments later to retrieve the phone and went back to bed.
She has a new job to start on Friday and Saturday in Perth city, It is Chinese massage, She tells me that she will finish work at around 10pm or later, My mind is thinking the worse thing, massage with happy ending ?, I saw the add she circled in the paper so i have the address, I am wondering if I should go to this establishment and see what services are offered ,
Another thing, Today she went for a drive in our car, SHE HAS NO LICENCE, just learners permit, My son phoned me and told me that she was gone, I was furious, no insurance, if she had an accident i told  her  that i would have no-choice but to press charges against her for stealing the car, now i am the "bad husband", I know how you feel DAVID , she does not know, or not  care for the ramifications  for her actions, if she had an accident and i told the police that she had my permission to drive the car then I would be charged and have my licence revoked,
there would go our income and business, now i am the bad-bastard, she told me that her friends told her that many people drive with no licence, I AM SICK AND TIRED OF HER FRIENDS WHISPERS IN HER EAR. John.

"no-brainer", 

   

[JustJim]

No you are not being paranoid...

I am not sure what to say.  There is a forum called talkaboutmarriage.com where you might be able to get some better advice.

But to be honest - I know your history with your wife has been troubled.  You need to be careful here, because Chinese or not, influenced by Chinese influences or not, you still have a woman to deal with.  And don't get me wrong - men can be just as bad - but women are better at it - more ruthless maybe.

I would suggest you check out that site.  You might find some more help there.  I had a girlfriend who had some issues come up with an ex and so I cut her loose, because I wasn't going to be a part of it.  Your situation is more complicated than that, so maybe you want a different resolution.  But it is not going to be easy.

[Willy The Londoner]

Maybe you should ring the Massage parlour and see just what sort of services they offer.  I know in the UK genuine masseurs do not use the name massage in their business as that is now solely used by those giving 'other services'.

Also the problem that David is going through was caused by people that she met in College!  Those places are a breeding ground for causing discontentment.

Willy

[fivetrout]

Are you being paranoid? I'm not sure. But reading your post brought back a sickening feeling in my gut! His name was Bill also. I chose to ignore my instincts and believe her far too many times. I founds ways to excuse her behaviors. Something very wrong... is going down here!

The truth is there for you to see, if you choose to. BTW, I would never allow my wife to work in a massage parlor...EVER!

[fivetrout]

The irony is...you have got exactly what most of us here as sworn to ourselves.. to NEVER EVER tolerate again!

[shaun]

I want to tip-toe through my comments here.  I don't want to assume too much but......

John, looking at a lot of your posts there have been several rocky times between you and your wife.   You've even admitted that overdoing things at times.

My sister-in-law told me early on how to keep a Chinese wife happy and faithful.  I try to live by what she said.

John, I am not presuming that you are doing any of the things listed below.

1.  Don't act like most Chinese husbands by screaming, yelling, and calling them awful names.  When they make a mistake lead them though it with understanding.   (Not a bad idea in any relationship)

2.  Don't make them lose face in public.  (If you have an issue with something they did, wait until you get home behind closed doors and practice number 1.)  (They will do the same with you.)

3.  Don't give them reasons to be jealous because they might give you a reason to be jealous.  (Speaks for itself)

4.  Don't lie to them.

5.  Keep them financially secure.

She went on to say that if a man can do that for a Chinese woman that she will always be faithful to her husband.

I've tried to keep all of these.  Most of my failure has been with number 2 and 5.  When she loses face because of something I did, I always apologize to her; regardless of how I feel about it.   Number 5 is that I have had some major financial issues that I am still working on.  But she does see improvement because I don't lie to her.

[Pineau]

No, you are not being paranoid. Been there before and i tell you that blind trust is for the birds. If you wand to know then dig and find out. Just don't let her know because she will begin to become extremely careful. Trust your gut. Just don't loose it and make a confrontation until you have all the hard evidence you need.

If it is true then there is something she needs, emotionally,or otherwise that she is not getting at home. Something is missing.
Here is the bigger question. What is going to happen if you fears are warranted?  How do you fix it? Do you want to fix it?

Buddy , having lived through it I know how gut wrenching it is. You at least know very early on and perhaps can put a stop to it before it goes any further.

[David E]

John

I am not sure whether or not I am at this time qualified to give advice  ....considering where I am at in my relationship.

I must say, that if I had known EARLIER that Ming was being sucked into this mess little by little during her school program at Thornlie TAFE (a local College for those unfamiliar with Perth...John will know) I would have jumped in and either nipped it in the bud, or hastened her departure....depending on what I thought were the motives at the time.

I have had umpteen hours of discussion with Professionals about what exactly could drive a happy, secure and comfortable Woman to go down such a path that is fraught with disaster....does the vague attraction of a possible better life in the hereafter completely over-ride the good life she has today ?

Likewise with your wife...does the promise of different and "more exciting" life over-ride what she has with you....if she is mixed up with the "massage Parlour" environment and also any Arab influence...she is in a very slick seduction environment...they all make it seem so glamorous...and yet we know it is just a front for Prostitution....but remember they are experts at peddling this crap to susceptible and/or vulnerable women....just like the loonies who got to my wife...little, by little, by little.

Here is a theory that has been put to me by some Professionals who I respect and who I listen to with great attention:

John, both you and I are migrants, we were born in another Country and came to Aus for whatever reasons we each had. It took me a long, long time (12 years) to finally admit that I was more Australian than English and at that time I made to call to get Naturalised and get my Aus Citizenship and Passport...but remember, it is OK for us to hold dual Nationality (in fact I still have my UK Passport).

This was a tough decision in many ways...but not as tough as some  - especially Chinese people, because they CANT have dual Citizenship...they "Lose" their Chinese status.

Apparently this is a biggie for native Chinese people and gives rise to huge internal conflicts....what to do for the best.....because they find it difficult to contemplate being only an Australian...especially considering Language difficulty, physical difference and a giant difference in cultures.

At the 2 or 3 year level, it is noted in the stats that many problems...real or imagined, surface at this time due to this internal conflict....in many cases, the fear of losing identity over-rides any sense of wellbeing that living a good life, with a good husband, in a good Coutry delivers on a daily basis. It is made worse by the ease in which they can communicate with their original Chinese friends back home, and with like minded Chinese in Australia in their local environment. It is about this time where it is seen that they go a bit "crazy".

I guess if my wife, or your wife is TRULY unhappy with their lives with us, then there is not a lot we can do about it...unless we have been bastards along the way and are due and obligated to make a change, or watch them run.!!!!!

In summary, maybe a lot is going on with your wife in terms of her questioning where she is going, and the draw of pastures new is the symptom of this, either way...jump on it quick...there can be NO good outcome if you let it ride. Win, lose or draw, you must make a move to fix it or suffer a greater consequence later.

Cheers...David

[Neil]

I know exactly how you feel, and I don't wish that on anyone.  What can you do?  I'd say: protect yourself.   In Canada, we commit to being financially responsible for our permanent resident wife (and son) for quite some time, whether we are together or not.  I would assume it is the same in Australia.  You need a lawyer's opinion on this matter, and soon.

I know you love her, as I loved my ex-wife, but I don't believe you can salvage this relationship, nor would I suggest you try.  Someone you love should never treat you that way, if she really loved you.  How could you ever trust her again? 


If it were me, I would probably want to confront her about the phone messages, but I would probably do something stupid and end up in jail. 

[yvictor]

This reminds me of my own problems from my previous marriage :-(

[yvictor]

How are you and your wife doing, John?

The reason I said your story reminded me of me and my ex is because she used to get drunk (or tipsy) and text (or IM me) from the office room downstairs, and we were having these long conversations that we never had face-to-face.

I wish the new year will bring peace and understanding in your family!

Victor

[Willy The Londoner]

I'd say: protect yourself.   In Canada, we commit to being financially responsible for our permanent resident wife (and son) for quite some time, whether we are together or not.

When I completed my application for a full residents permit last Thursday, my wife had to sit there an write a page in her handwriting that basically said that she would be responsible for any financial matters that I may incur if I did not have the financial clout to settle things myself.   

I think that this is pretty much the same the World over.

Willy

[Smaug]

"What benefits could he give her" could refer to her job at the massage place.

I would stalk her a little and find out more. Read her iChat when you can. follow her sometimes on the sly.

She is taking your car without permission, she knows its wrong, right?

That arab probably works there, thinks she's attractive, and tried to hire her. He probably knows that Chinese women like money, and promised her lots of money. Is she naive enough to fall for it? It seems so.

Tell you you don't want her to work in the Chinese massage, because they are shady places where lots of things can happen. If she objects, tell her if she does it anyway, then you two are done.

There are certain things that as a married couple, if the one spouse objects, the other cannot just go and do it anyway. Working in shady jobs like massage parlors is one of those things.

You should find out. Maybe hire a private investigator. If he finds something, it will be evidence you can use to divorce her properly, and not be held responsible for her afterwards. If not, then you can rest easy knowing she's a good woman. (but naive...!)

***

Let me tell you my own story about infidelity.

I was dating a girl when I was young. We lived in different cities, a half hour's drive apart. One night, I was going to go to see her. But I was really tired from work, so I called it off.

When I got home, I felt better, so I decided to surprise her, by showing up at her work and meeting her when she got out. I got there a bit early, so I parked in the other side of the lot.

When she came out, another guy met her, and they were very happy to see each other. 

I decided to wait and see what happened. They each got in their cars, she drove home, he followed her. (and I followed him, spy-style, a few cars back) They went back to her house. It was late, they got out and started to go in together. Then I pulled up, and said: "WTF! Who the hell is THIS!?" She told me it was an old high school buddy. I asked why the hell is he coming home with you late at night? She said it is not what it looks like. I said "BS. Go ahead and screw him. We are done."

My point is that you can find out, and know for sure. NOT knowing is the worst.

Worst case? She will catch you at it, and play the old: "You don't trust me?!" card. Then, you can say she is acting suspiciously (give the examples) and say you wanted to check.

Good luck man.