I am wondering about this

[Terryg]

Ok. I have gotten my lady's phone number and I usually call her in the evenings/ her time, We do not talk as long as some of you, But the thing is, is that I do all the talking and all she seems to say is how much she misses me, how much she loves me, yes, and why. Now, I know that some will say that it could be because her english is bad, but every now and then she will speak perfect sentences, it is almost like I am talking to 2 people. I do not know maybe I am just paranoid. Our calls have gotten shorter because she is usually out or just leaving. Personally I am thinking she is trying to distance her self. What do you think?

Oh and just to let you guys know I am planning to spend a couple of months in china when I finish work this fall.

[Hans]

I have a similiar concern with my lady. I visited her in December last year and we're getting along fine, but while I am studiyng Chinese at the university she's doing some home studying on her own. We write emails in Chinese, we talk in Chinese on the phone and when I visited her we communicated in Chinese. However, when I did not understand her, which happened many times every day, she would often say it in English instead. I wondered why she couldn't have said it in i English in the first place. I think the reason may be that she is shy and she doesn't want to make a mistake. Chinese people are generally scared of making mistakes in front of others, of "losing face". This also translates in ordinary every day situations. I think your lady might be feeling the same way, she only speaks English when she is 100 percent sure she is not making even a tiny mistake.

About the calls getting shorter, I am not sure what it means. I think you should simply tell her how you feel and/or ask her if something is wrong. If you feel you two have an open communication it should be alright to ask.

[JimB]

My wife and I dont talk more than 2 or 3 minutes on the phone.  But, we chat twice a day on QQ for at least an hour.  Neither one of us talks a lot on the phone.  I cant say about your situation, but, no Chinese women I know talk a long time on the phone.  Now, they will talk 30 times a day but nothing more than 3 or 4 minutes.

[shaun]

You know they may just be good listeners.

Peggy didn't talk much at first and we still do a cross between talking and typing.  Now verses the beginning, if I type while she is preparing something to say to me she will say, "Shaun, I typing."  It cracks me up.  I just laugh and say sorry, you type, and she says thank you.  But in the beginning I did most of the talking.  It should change when they are a lot more comfortable with you.

Shaun

[metooap]

Ok. I have gotten my lady's phone number and I usually call her in the evenings/ her time, We do not talk as long as some of you, But the thing is, is that I do all the talking and all she seems to say is how much she misses me, how much she loves me, yes, and why. Now, I know that some will say that it could be because her english is bad, but every now and then she will speak perfect sentences, it is almost like I am talking to 2 people. I do not know maybe I am just paranoid. Our calls have gotten shorter because she is usually out or just leaving. Personally I am thinking she is trying to distance her self. What do you think?

Oh and just to let you guys know I am planning to spend a couple of months in china when I finish work this fall.

Terryg

Hans, JimB, and Shaun all have given good thoughts.

You mentioned the phone.

What about QQ or Skype face to face. For me this is the best approach early on. This way anything lost over the phone, you can pick up with your eyes.

Early on, for me there was very little communication over the phone, even though my lady speaks English well, most of the communications was over Skype - face to face.

Once we both were comfortable with each other, the phone communications flowed easily. Why? Probably because while on Skype she had learned to understand what the hell I was saying.

So what about in the beginning more face to face, then phone conversations later? That is - if this practical for you.

Alton

[Terryg]

well I had tried quite a few times to get her to use any IM. I gave her all my IM and e-mail and phone but she says she has no computer but she uses a Internet cafe. I know all the cafes have IM and E-mail capabilities. This is one  of the reasons that I am seriously thinking about not talking to her. In fact now that I have called her a couple of times, she doesn't even bother to use the EMF. So that is also a big siren in my head. I am betting that I was talking to the translator and not her. She also says that she doesn't have any pictures of herself or family, that she had lost them when she moved. I called her this morning and she said she was in bed and she was tired so she did not want to talk to me. After that I am pretty sure she doesn't want to talk to me, cause if she was into me she would be very happy to talk to me just about anytime. I know I would have.

 I do have a problem with webcam and audio though, but that is because I have a very slow connection.

I suppose I could just have the guys that are in china hook me up. I am planning to go to china this winter no matter what happens anyway, I just have to figure out where. I plan on being there for a couple of months if things work out this summer. I do road const. in the summers so I can do whatever I want in the winters. I think I will go someplace warm. I am sick of the cold.

[metooap]

well I had tried quite a few times to get her to use any IM. I gave her all my IM and e-mail and phone but she says she has no computer but she uses a Internet cafe. I know all the cafes have IM and E-mail capabilities. This is one  of the reasons that I am seriously thinking about not talking to her. In fact now that I have called her a couple of times, she doesn't even bother to use the EMF. So that is also a big siren in my head. I am betting that I was talking to the translator and not her. She also says that she doesn't have any pictures of herself or family, that she had lost them when she moved. I called her this morning and she said she was in bed and she was tired so she did not want to talk to me. After that I am pretty sure she doesn't want to talk to me, cause if she was into me she would be very happy to talk to me just about anytime. I know I would have.

 I do have a problem with webcam and audio though, but that is because I have a very slow connection.

I suppose I could just have the guys that are in china hook me up. I am planning to go to china this winter no matter what happens anyway, I just have to figure out where. I plan on being there for a couple of months if things work out this summer. I do road const. in the summers so I can do whatever I want in the winters. I think I will go someplace warm. I am sick of the cold.

Terryg,

I think there are many posts here, that will tell you about signs of trouble. It may be nothing at all. The person may indeed not have a computer. This does not happen often but it does happen.

However, the person should have pictures and I mean loads of pictures of herself and her family.

Certain things you should insist on if you are to move forward. Pictures, face to face, telephone, all should be apart of the equation. Otherwise, in the end their maybe a problem. You do not want to go looking for problems. On the other hand, there are certain things that you must do that leads to success. If this person is serious - great. If not, use the techniques listed throughout this forum - and you will find out pretty fast!

You heart - knows the deal.

Alton

[Willy The Londoner]

I am not saying that all is well with this relationship.

I am just pointing out that too many men on this forum believe that the women in China have everything to hand just like the women in their own country.   Computer ownership is not as widespread as you may imagine. Especially when you get to the over 30's.    Ok your lady may have been lucky and own one but a great number do not.  My wife had never ever set her hand on a computer until I came on the scene.

You think because it is China it will be cheap here!! Computers cost a lot of money -5 - 6000 rmb is about average and that is 5 of 6 months wages for some.  Cash up front - not much buying on credit goes on here.  

Getting internet on at home cost just about 1200 rmb for one year and you have to pay up front - no paying for it monthly here.  Another months wages go.  What have they go to live on for the rest of the year?

Getting to the internet cafe cost money and then you have to pay for the access there.  Chinese women DO NOT like spending money unecessarily.  1000 a month wage is like 30 rmb a day and it can cost half that getting to a cafe and using the internet.

Let me ask you this - you start work at 8am so you have to be up at 7 at least to ensure you are there ontime.  You may get home at 7pm at night if your lucky otherwise you will be working to 8 or even 10 pm at night.  You have to go home and then cook yourself a meal or if lucky your Ma has done that for you.  You have a shower and go to bed to be sure that you are up to get to work at 8am in the morning.  And you probably have to do this for 13 days in every two weeks.
This is what a Chinese woman has to do and on her one day off she has to fit in all the weekly shopping, washing housecleaning and everything else that she has not had time for in the previous week.

You are likely not to have been the first to strike up a conversation with her via Chnlove and then dropped her maybe with a reason or more probably without another word.

Is it any surprise that sometimes the woman find it hard to be full of enthusiasm for you as you are for her.   Until you get here and visit her you will never know what it is like to actually live here.

Then you expect the women to be taking English lessons - at 100 - 200 rmb an hour!!!   that is three or four days wages gone for each hour so before long she is spending all her earning on forming a relationship with you and so far there has been not real committment from you.   That is until you visit her.

If after making that important first visit and she is still cool towards you then OK the relationship is not going anywhere.  But how many on here spend 6 months, 9 months a year talking to women!  I would not advise anyone to be in vertual communcation for more than three months before meeting each other face to face.  

If you are saying 'But that cost money' then do not even consider coming unless you tend to live here because getting her back to your country and finding the relationship fails is going to cost a great deal more than the air fare here.

Willy

[maxx]

I'm setting here.With my half a pack of Marlboros.And a cold Dr. Pepper like always.Reading what you guys and the ladies are posting.Then I run across What Willy has posted.So i'm reading it.And while I'm reading it.I'm thinking that Willy has hit this right on the head..He pretty much laid out a Chinese womens life.The only thing I would add.Is Willy forgot to mention the time they spend with there family and Friends.

In the month of March my sister in law has had three days off from work.She took one day off just so she could see the baby.She goes to work at 8:00 am and gets off at about 7:00 pm.She has thirty minutes for lunch.Where she.Runs home gets something to eat.And then runs back to work.My wife's sister in law is the same.The woman I know in Zhuhai are the same.It's all work and family.Very little time for themselves.Or there own interests.

Like Willy said if you guys want to make any ground.With a Chinese woman.You are going to have to make the trip.And your going to have to make the trip quick.When I did this The unwritten rule was.Don't write to a lady.Untill you are ready to make the trip.

WIlly says 3 months.I say no more than 2 months.Some people would have you beleave that the lady you are talking to should just drop everything.Just so that she can be there.When you decide to call her.Or do a web cam.

You guy's are not the most important thing in there lives.You are not the savior of the Beautiful little Chinese girls.Your just a little spot of brightness.Until you actually make the trip.Make the promise and keep the promise.Then you mite move up a step on the list of her priorities.

This is not.Or has it ever ben the life for the faint of heart.You think this part is tough.This is a cake walk.Wate till your wife or girlfriend lives with you in your country.It is a whole different ball game.

[Bee964]

Willy and Maxx,

Excellent posts. You have brought up very good points here. The chinese work ethic is a lot different from ours. 5  1/2 years ago I was working 7 days a week. 3 of those 7 days I would work 12 hour shifts. Your whole life is consumed with work. I  did this for a couple years. It wears you out pretty good! I can only imagine what these women go through. I would never expect them to just stop everything to give me the time of day. When I visit my lady next week she has said that she wants me to experience her daily life. I am looking forward to this. I am sure that it will be a great eye opener.

Willy,
Love the avatar!!! :icon_cheesygrin:

Dave C

[ttwjr32]

Wilyl hit it dead on. couldnt have said it better myself. i do think
3 months is a good earmark to go see the lady as writing takes some
time and then getting a few web cams in also after a month or so of writing
to each other is good and you should want at least a month or so of that
so 3 months is a good bench mark to use as a guide only depending on how
much contact your having if its daily then sooner i would think for the visit

Maxx watch that Dr, Pepper it will make you fat  hahahaha

[Martin]

Excellent posts guys. We need threads like this one. For guys who have never been to china, it is hard to see things from the Chinese ladies perspective.

3 months seems a little quick to me. I bought my ticket after 3 months, but I didn't go until 6 months.

[odysseus007]

Well said Willy. Some of them ladies have exactly this kinda life. But also, there are those who have quite a lot of leisure time as well, you can find them online like 6-8 hours a day. There is a sweetie who wants to marry me this year, have kids next year, and travel the world the following year. Now, I don't wanna rain on her parade, but I wonder, who's gonna be making the moolah for all that? I dunno how to tell her it's not all play. AND while she's playing, I'm gonna be workin my ass off like the women Willy writes about!!!

All work & no play makes Jill a dull gal, all play & no work makes Jill a

[David5o]

.

Fact..... The average working hours in China is between 50 and 60 hours a week. So some will work half day on Saturdays and others a full day. There are however Factories and food outlets, where the general working hours are 9 to 10 hours a day with 3 days off a month....

David.....

[ttwjr32]

the jobs working hours vary widely in China with a vast majority of people
 working horendous hours each week. also depends on who you know. were
 my wife works (she does reasearch for eye issues and cures) she works
 mon-friday 9 am to 6pm with weekends off. and during the week we have
 a tea lunch for 90 minutes each day so she is fortunate to have this but
then again her sister is an admistrator for Zhongshan University and she knows
the owner well. some of the people in her office have to stay till 8 pm on weekdays
and they have to rotate weekends to be online and answer questions from
doctors all over the world. but for the most part you are used and abused by
your company in regards to hours here. especially the people from the countryside
who come to the cities to work seem to be the ones taken advantage of the most