New Lady Required

[rcsingle1]

Hello fellow ChnLove members,

Well, another sad story to add to the board of fellow members who have been heartbroken. And, hoping that you guys can eventually help me out. I rarely make any posts on this board, but do like to lurk and read the good news stories from you guys. I was going to add mine, but had to see how mine played out first.

Well, after talking with this woman (LiHong) for over a year, we decided to get married. I went to China to meet with her in Dec 2009, and after 3 days together we were married. Our personalities meshed with each other and we got along just great while together. The only barrier was language, which we managed to overcome with her electronic translator, and my phrasebooks. It was 2 weeks of bliss in Beijing, Shenyang, and Huludao. The best time of my life.

Now, after 3 months, she wants to get a divorce. The reasons are because of the language barrier, not wanting to face an interview in the consulate, her not seeing a great future for herself in Canada, and several other reasons. With the help of my Mandarin teacher, she spoke to my wife, and she seemed to change her mind, but now I believe she has changed her mind once again. My wife will not write me, or even chat with me on QQ. Truthfully, I have been putting all the effort in trying to keep the relationship, but with her not responding to me, I think that I am now giving up on her. What is heartbreaking, is that throughout the year before I left, I asked her many times if she was Ok to come to Canada, and her response was yes, and that she would go anywhere with me because she loved me. That's why I married her.

I am going back to China later this week to see if I can salvage this, but honestly I think that this is a lost cause. I believe that I'll be signing papers for a divorce. What a kick in the a$$.

I love the women of China, the culture, and the country. However, I now am reluctant to get into another relationship with a woman from there because of this, and not wanting to get my heart broken again, especially after spending so much money.

So, I ask, do any of you guys, or your Chinese wives that are here, know any single Asian ladies from Ontario that I could be hooked up with? I am 43yrs old, looking for someone 32-42yrs old, looking for a lasting relationship. I have a lot of love to give, but I seem to always pick the wrong women.

Please feel free to message me if you have any questions.
RC

[David E]

RC

OUCH !!!...that is a very tough call, I can feel for you and I dont know if from the sound of it all, the situation can be salvaged.

I dont recall reading here about a marriage that crashed after such a short time.

I am considering some similar implications myself, and although I have no doubts, I think I will go down the Fiance Visa track, rather than get married "off-shore". It is one small insurance against such an outcome as yours. At least we will have 9 months to work out the wrinkles (if any) when Ming comes to Aus as my fiance.

I have explained all this to her...I know she would prefer to be married in China on my next visit (Mid April). But as I am always a cautious bast***d, I will listen to my head and not my heart in this instance.

I hope you will "get back on the horse" at an appropriate time, because ultimately, you will win.

But maybe next time you might consider the "fiance visa first" option

Good luck

David

[Willy The Londoner]

Sorry to hear this news RC,

From the reasons given I would think the crux of it is that she feels she is not ready to leave China as she is not ready for life outside yet, mainly because of the language problem.

The women I have met since being here are very concerned about their lack of English and life outside of China in areas where there may not be many Chinese speakers.  

I myself have a language problem living here.   I doubt if after nearly 10 months here I know any more Chinese than when I arrived as what I had learned was of the wrong dialect! Not quite true but almost.  But I have my wife with me wherever I go, so someone is there who can speak the language for me. So I can understand the ladies concerns if she is not confident in her English.  

My wife had no English at all when we met but it was only last week that she was able to have a very short conversation with me in English.  She struggled to find some of the words but I knew what she was saying.  It has taken 7 months to get to that stage.

But then I was with my wife in China for 4 months before marrying and we both were fully aware of each others shortcomings.

Unfortunately this is exactly what David50 was saying just the other day.  You must get to know each other in person before taking the plunge into marriage.  In fact you only actually knew her for three days when you married!  Maybe a sad lesson for all to learn here.

Divorce here is a simple affair if both parties agree.  However what is the implications regarding her pension?  Once a Chinese national marries a foreigner the Chinese state pension is lost.   Do they re-instate it or is it gone forever?  Maybe a point worth sorting out with her.

Willy

[Rhonald]

We do not have fiancee visas. If not married, then the only other options are student, tourist, or business visa.

If the woman has a skilled trade that is in demand here, then she has a good chance. But for the other visas, she needs to show strong proof of returning to China before a visa is granted.

[Neil]

There are ways around it.  You can get a spousal visa even if you're not married, but there must be a good reason for not being married - religious or an inability to visit due to work, but I imagine you'd have to have a good lawyer to go that route.  Not sure where I read that.

[rcsingle1]

Thanks guys for all the kind words. We actually were talking for a year before we were married, and both agreed to be married.
I know that I will be divorced when there, no question about that. Just by the way she has been acting lately. She was great with me for the first month after I got back, but she started talking with immigration companies, and immigration lawyers about info to come here, and I believe that they have "brainwashed" her into thinking that she has no chance in coming here.
I will however brush off the boots, and continue on with my life, be it with another Asian woman, who is in my area, or get the courage to try again overseas, but this time, with a girl that speaks English.
As far as her pension is concerned, that is her problem. Don't get me wrong, I do care, but she should have thought about it before we were married. My agreement with her was that I would support her when she came here, and would not have to worry about anything, until she learned English, and found a job.
RC

[Oiler1]

Sorry to hear about your divorce RC. In Canada we do have a visa called a congugal visit visa but you have to prove you've known each other for 1 year. Even then it is up to the visa officer to grant a visa.

In your case it doesn't matter as you are going to get divorced. I always am leery about agency or quick marriages where you do things in reverse. You may or may not fall in love later after marriage so it's quite a risk to take.

For the guys living in China, it is a much easier to determine if a woman loves you or not.

[seagull]

So, I ask, do any of you guys, or your Chinese wives that are here, know any single Asian ladies from Ontario that I could be hooked up with? I am 43yrs old, looking for someone 32-42yrs old, looking for a lasting relationship.

I am sorry to hear about your problems, RC. I am not sure where exactly you live, but I have found that in my hometown (a medium sized Australian city) I discovered a local Chinese introduction agency, who introduce men to local Chinese ladies who live in my city. I have already had one "introduction" with a lady from Foshan, Guangdong who now lives in Australia.

Perhaps if you live in a city with a reasonable Chinese population (like Toronto) you should check your newspaper/elsewhere to see if such a service is available for you. I would have thought that this would be available in any Western city with a large Chinese community. I actually started a thread on this subject, but everyone was either unaware of such a service or cold on the idea of meeting someone locally and preferring the complicated long distance route (why?!?). But each to their own, and best of luck in sorting out your issues. It's a cliche, but everything happens for a reason and you may find that you have dodged a bullet with this lady in China and someone better may be on the horizon soon.

[Oiler1]

Chinese women in Canada behave much diferently than the ones in China.

[Bee964]

RC,

Sorry to hear of all your trouble. I hope that everything works out in the end though.

Dave C

[rcsingle1]

[/quote]


There is merit to this Idea, as I have moved to Toronto in November, and have lived in Toronto's Downtown ChinaTown since January.

Ever since I arrived here I am amazed at the number of Chinese ladies I see everyday. And now that I have been attending a local church for 3 months I have a made many friends, and met a number of very nice, single, Chinese ladies. Many came right from China, and have been here less then 6 years. They have decent English, and are here already!

I do not know them well enough to make a formal introduction, but maybe after a few more months I will ...

Mike O.
[/quote]

Hey Mike,
I look forward to hearing from you in a few months. Perhaps this may be the way for me to go. Please don't forget about me.
Maybe we can get together sometime, and you can show me some of the beautiful "sights" in Chinatown :icon_smile:
I live in London,ON, just down the road from you haha. However, I will still use some of my contacts here in London, just in case, as a backup plan of course.
Rob

[mustfocus]

Hey Rob,

I also live in Toronto as well.  The chinese community in London (Ontario folks) is quite small and has shrunk over the years (I used to live there) due to lack of supplies (My parents and I made a bi-monthly trip to Toronto to buy supplies back then) as well as some "other" issues.  Don't get me wrong, there are many good people there, but there are also some bad ones in key areas.

You could try some local match making services to see if anyone tickles your fancy, but I like Mike's approach.  Regardless, will keep an eye out for you!

[dude]

Hello rcsingle,

Sorry to hear about what's happening!  Butt I think three months is too short of time to all-of-sudden decide to get divorced! I'm curious...where, in China, does your wife live? I'm currently living in Changsha and know a lady that's also married to a Canadian man and she recently went to Beijing to start her visa process. She had called my wife and seemed very disappointed with what she was hearing! I told my wife it was too early in their marriage to know what will happen with visa and to keep her head up! She seems to be doing fine now and I will have a chance to meet her husband, in a few days. Maybe, you just need to calmly talk with your wife about everything and tell her to think twice before making this decision. Unless she plans on staying in China and finding a Chinese husband, I can see no good reason to want to divorce you! There maybe many circumstances you haven't post on this, for her reasons, but if her ONLY reasons, are what you posted, there seems to be a better solution rather than divorce! I hope things work out good for you and if your anywhere near Changsha send me a message, we can hook up!

Jim

[ttwjr32]

RC,

go to china and see what if anything can be salvaged out of this. from what you have
said just doesnt seem to warrant that action but then again you never know what people
are thinking especially talking to the so called experts which probably didnt tell her it wasnt
going to happen but that it just isnt an easy process. again the language issue and understanding
see what happens when you get there as you obviously had something and go from there after
your return.

[Chong]

As Dude and Ted mentioned above, it sounds like she needs your physical presence to calm her.

I'm guessing that the those immigration agents are using scare tactics to get her business. They tend to use 'negatives' as a way to secure business. i.e. here are the major problems ( if it exists at all ) and here's how I can help you.

According to the Canadian Immigration website ( www.cic.gc.ca ), using an immigration representative WILL NOT speed up the process. All applications are treated normally. Those people asking for fees ( $ 1,000 - $ 3,000 ) are just filling out & mailing your forms for you.

Martin and I are doing our own. Ask us any questions on the "Canadian Requirements" thread

Here's a link to a Canadian Immigration Discussion Forum ...

http://www.immigration.ca/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=265&PN=3&title=hong-kong