Sex issues

[David5o]

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I'm with Han's on this one, Sex in a marriage or in a live-in relationship IS important!!
Virtually every culture, including the Chinese culture is of the opinion  that ...''if it doesn't work in bed it doesn't work out of bed'' or very very rarely!!! This is especially true at the beginning of a marriage....

I'm not saying that it's the only important aspect of a strong, and good, marriage, ...because it's NOT!!

David......

[Arnold]

Many of you seem convinced that sex is not an important part of a relationship. I beg to differ. My experience, and many of my friends' too, is that the initial part of a relationship contains a lot of sex. That is sort of the passion part, when everything with your partner is new and exciting. That's when you can have sex three times a day just because you can't keep your hands off each other.

Hans , of course this is very True as much as True can get . But , it is something you can NOT force to happen at will . This can happen of course early on in a Relationship or much later ( like being married first ) . That will depend on the Person / Persons and their value's about the subject . If you love a Woman , like you say your crazy about your Lady .. why NOT give her that space . You are the one that will benefit from it later or better both of you will .
After all , it's your shot and I hope you make the right one for both of you .

[kenny]

Hans

I just read through this thread. One thing i noticed in your first post is that you said you care allot for her. You didnt say you loved her. I think that you need to be very sure that you love this lady in a way that will sustain a marriage. Sex is very important in a marriage but it is not everything. Arnold touched on this i believe. You asked why these guys are paying for sex if they get good sex with their wives, maybe it is because they entered in a marriage thinking more about sex than true love.

I think that most of the comments are coming from guys much older than you including myself so we might think about things a little different. I have four kids and you are the age of my oldest. I have had a failed marriage of 20 years but it was not from cheating. You talked of having sex behind her back. I respectfully tell you what i tell my kids that no good ever came from cheating on your wife, husband or partner. I think if you truly love her you will not do this.

Now as far as my limited experinece i exchanged EMF letters with Linda for 6 months before we met in late August. We talked of what life would be like together and love but untill we met face to face did not talk engagment. At first we were both nerviuos but after the first day together i think we both knew we were truly in love. After a few days i asked her to be my wife, after that she took me to meet her parents. There was no sex untill after we were engaged. You have allready been to China and met her face to face are you sure that she is the one for you? I hope that it works out for you.

Kenny

[Hans]

Thanks for more of your insights, guys. I wrote the first post when I was annoyed and a bit emotional, that's when I need your advice the most! Haha. Honestly, I appreciate all the opinions here.

Kenny, I wrote that I care a lot for her because the word love is used so carelessly these days. Somehow it just felt better to write that I care for her. I also think love is something that can grow by time, by showing affection over time, in different situations (just a hug at the right moment, a phone call, something sent in the mail). I didn't fall in love with my lady at first sight, I've come to admire her personality during our correspondence. She's just a great, great person (and of course I find her physically attractive too). We spent seven months of writing EMFs and emails (and during the last few weeks or so also phone calls and QQ), I went to see her with little expectation after some confusion a few weeks before I left. But our time together was great. Except from some misunderstandings caused by cultural differences, I think everything felt very good and she said the same. She is the most caring and sweet woman I have ever met, completely different from the girls I've met in Sweden. We'll talk about the sex part when we meet in June and I hope we'll come to some kind of understanding. I think maybe I may just have to get used to the idea of being engaged first. So yes, maybe I should have written that I love her. Because I feel a security and honesty with her that I have not felt with any other woman.

Sure I've had doubts from time to time, which I think is completely normal. After all, although I have been in relationships before I have never even been close to marriage and this time around it may happen very soon (from my perspective). It's a big thing, I don't plan to marry more than once in life (before you say anything, half of the marriages in Sweden ends with divorce so yes, there are certainly people taking it lightly).

And then, when I'm here writing about my doubts, I get a big package in the mail. My lady has made two cute pillow covers and sent to both me and my mother (my mom turns 60 in April). And my heart just melts again. :heart: It's just like she can sense that my concerns need to be silenced for a while...

[dude]

And then, when I'm here writing about my doubts, I get a big package in the mail. My lady has made two cute pillow covers and sent to both me and my mother (my mom turns 60 in April). And my heart just melts again. :heart: It's just like she can sense that my concerns need to be silenced for a while...

Great to hear and yes your concerns are legit! These women here can sense things that women from our parts of the world have no idea about...hahahahaha...maybe this is the TRUE "Traditional Chinese Woman/Lady"!!!:icon_biggrin:

[shaun]

Shaun, you don't have to tell me what love is. I've been in relationships before, I'm not 12. And where did you get the idea that I'm not willing to give in a relationship?

We all have our own experiences shaping us as humans. What has happened to people tend to have an impact on them later in similiar situations. That's why I brought up the "sexual compatibility" part, not to get a lecture about what love is. If you have other experiences, that's fine. That doesn't make them mine, though. My lady is incredibly sweet but when I have some concerns amidst all the positive things happening between us, I thought that this was the place to bring it up.

Hans,

I read through your comment and you proved my point.  I was talking about the bogus term "sexual compatibility."  You cannot tell in one or two sexual encounters with a woman.  When men talk about sexual compatibility they are looking to get laid and if do not like what they get it is their golden parachute out with a clear conscience.  Sexual compatibility is learned over time.

You cannot talk about sexual compatibility without talking about love.  They go hand in hand and it is an excellent place to bring it up.  Only try learning rather than reacting.  You may not be 12 but your immaturity is showing.  I however have been around a block or two.

nuf said.

hans you said, sex workers tell me that many of their customers are married men. I wonder why they are paying for sex if they could get good sex with their wives...? Sexual compatibility, common desires, mutual understanding of the physical needs... Call it what you like."

Let's call it what it really is.  The lack of ethical commitment to a relationship.  Most men like this have no loyalty to anyone but themselves.

[David5o]

Shaun,

Let's call it what it really is. The lack of ethical commitment to a relationship. Most men like this have no loyalty to anyone but themselves.

Now that's a sweeping statement to make!!!  Where did you get that data from??

David.....

[Hans]

You may not be 12 but your immaturity is showing.  I however have been around a block or two.

I understand you want to play the role of the wise old man here. I will just let you do that if it makes you feel good about yourself.

Just to finish: sex does not necessarily have anything to do with love. But yes, in a relationship, when speaking of sexual compatibility as a mutual understanding of ones sexual desires, love can be very important (but it is actually possible to have great sex with someone you don't love at all...). Not every couple manage, though. I have friends who've split up because of this, as have I, and I have friends - both male and female - who've been cheating on their partners because of this.

Most men like this have no loyalty to anyone but themselves.

I've talked to customers in Thailand too (but that's another story) and I would like to say that there's a much broader picture to it than just utter selfishness. I believe there are many, many men out there who are genuinelly inhappy about the sexual life in their relationship. Sex workers get to hear a lot about this too since their job is not only the physical part but also a semi-therapeutic one afterwards. And as it happens, the female part of the customer group is growing too (as is the group of male sex workers).

And suddenly we ended up in a discussion about prostitution...!:-/

[JimB]

Gina and i fit in every way so it is not an issue with us, but, i can see where a man has certain urges and his wife will not satisfy him for whatever reason.  Which is the better, forcing his wife to do it thereby creating more problems in the marriage or secretly going to a hooker or having an affair with someone.  As long as he is protecting himself against diseases, why not go to the hooker.  That would not threaten the marriage, there is no emotional attachment like an affair would be. I just dont see the harm in it.  Out in Nevada it is legal.  I just see it as the least threat to a marriage.

[shaun]

Shaun,

Let's call it what it really is. The lack of ethical commitment to a relationship. Most men like this have no loyalty to anyone but themselves.

Now that's a sweeping statement to make!!!  Where did you get that data from??

David.....

David,

It is an observation I have made over the years of counseling married couples where one parter has sought sexual relations outside of marriage.  One of the most heinous comments I heard from a man said to me "I think it makes me a better husband because I know what I can loose."

I ask myself this question all the time.  Why is it that many people can discipline ourselves in almost every aspect of life except sex?  Only answer I have come up with is selfishness.

[David5o]

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There are many many reasons, far too many to list here, why guys use the services of hookers/prostitutes. Very few of them, for the reason Shaun stated. Let's face it, no-one in there right mind would marry a woman then start using prostitutes as a means of sexual gratification. They would, ....or dammed well should have found out, that the woman they were marrying had similar likes and dislikes to themselves, long before getting into a marriage situation.

Having said that, things do change over the years, maybe a wife because of medical or psychological reasons becomes frigid and just not interested in any form of sex!! As Jim said, it doesn't mean the guy stops loving his wife, but still has needs....

Personally, i would ''Never'' marry any woman that i didn't know intimately!! That was true in my younger life and it's still true today, and i've been round a good few blocks. This is the 21st century, we are in an age where we have more control over our personal lives than we have  ever had in the past. So why would anyone want to go back in time, and ''hope for the best'' ?? If things do go bad, ...What do you do then, stay and stick it out, like they were expected to do in our parents and grandparents day??

So i for one can understand what Hans has been trying to say in this thread. Yes, he's young, but not too young not to know what he's looking for, or knowing what's important to ''Him'' in ''His'' relationship....

David....

[rockycoon]

A word about hookers, you can wear anything you want, but the exchange of ANY bodely fluid and I mean ANY will and can give
you that gift that keeps on giving.  In fact there are several gifts floating around out there.  Be very, very careful guys...this is just
an important health tip to all the singles out there.

[Willy The Londoner]

A word about hookers, you can wear anything you want, but the exchange of ANY bodely fluid and I mean ANY will and can give
you that gift that keeps on giving.  In fact there are several gifts floating around out there.  Be very, very careful guys...this is just
an important health tip to all the singles out there.

My parents always told me that I would find out that it was far greater to give than receive.  Were they looking into the future!!!!

Willy

[Hans]

Personally, i would ''Never'' marry any woman that i didn't know intimately!! That was true in my younger life and it's still true today, and i've been round a good few blocks. This is the 21st century, we are in an age where we have more control over our personal lives than we have  ever had in the past. So why would anyone want to go back in time, and ''hope for the best'' ?? If things do go bad, ...What do you do then, stay and stick it out, like they were expected to do in our parents and grandparents day??

David5o, a very wise post! You've understood what I wanted to say here. I agree with the quoted part above 100 per cent! Personally I feel that many men here seem to be ready to go all in straight away, almost like teenagers who can't see beyond the next day.

Just to add: not all married men who visit escorts do it without their wife's consent. I met a man in Thailand who went there at least once a year, just for a few days at a time, and had his fun. Meanwhile, his wife had her time of joy too. This was a silent agreement between the two. So yes, there are many different reasons as to why men visits escorts (we should also note the fact that there is a growing amount of career women who visit male escorts. They don't feel they have the time or commitment for a relationship or for regular dating.) So nothing's black and white in the sex business, believe me (certainly not in Thailand where everthing concerning sex has a shade of gray!).

[ttwjr32]

my question to this is WHERE is the commitment??? isnt marriage
a comitment to each other???  maybe i am old fashioned were that
is concerned but i wouldnt want to do that to my wife and i surely
wouldnt want her to sew her oats either at a point and time in the
year