choices and advice needed

[Neil]

As some of you know, I broke up with Nina a while ago.  She became very distant before the Chinese New Year holiday and we only talked a few times in the following month.  She told me once that I loved her too much.  I understood that she leads a very busy life but I don't think she was really serious about getting married or coming to Canada or learning English.  

I started looking for other Chinese ladies when I finished school in March.  I tried a couple Chnlove ladies but my heart wasn't into it.  I also met a sweet young lady on Chineselovelinks that speaks English and is a teacher in a high school.  Her name is Liu and her English name is Brenda.

One week after I came home from school my Chinese teacher moved back to China.  She is 28 and we had become very good friends.  Her name is Yang Yang and she speaks English quite well.  She is the most honest, kind and generous woman I've ever met.  She told me today that she hoped to become my girlfriend since Nina and I had broke up, but I had already started talking to Brenda and even called her on the phone.  Yang Yang told me that she would not ruin another woman's dream so she's not sure she will be my girlfriend now.  I told her that her dreams are important too.  All's fair in love and war.  

Yang Yang has applied for another working Visa to come back to Canada.  Her interview is next week.  She told me: " am not sure now:) you should try to see many chinese girls, you knew only a few chinese girls, you don't know chinese girl's thinking "  

And, to make this a bit more messed up, Nina messaged me a few weeks ago.  She is going to visit her parents who she hasn't seen in 3 or 4 years.  Her father is turning 70.  She was sad and lonely and missing me.  She wants to ask her parents for their opinion about us.  They had given us their blessings long ago, but I have never met or talked to them.  

I don't know if I could trust Nina again, but the times we spent together were the best times of my life.  My Christmas trip was pure extacy.  

I know there will come a time when I'll have to make a choice.  I feel a little guilty but I'm falling for Brenda while I would drop everything for Yang Yang and I feel responsible for Nina - I have a lot invested in her (emotionally, not financially).  

So, I guess what I'm asking is, should I feel guilty for playing the field?  I feel guilty and one thing I hate doing is breaking hearts - someone's going to get hurt, usually it's me.

[David5o]

Neil,

Your a ''Free Agent'' right now....You haven't made any current commitments to any of the ladies you mentioned in your post.

So go out and Explore all of them, you will know when the time is right to commit to one of them, ...or even none of them!!! When you said someone always gets hurt, your right, ...but that's life, but life still goes on!!!

Guilt?? .....There's absolutly nothing to feel 'Gilty about Neil!!!

David...

[JimB]

You dont need to feel guilty as long as you are not leading them on, telling each one that she is the one, etc.

[Martin]

I am totally with David5o on this one.  Why feel guilty?  You are looking for the person to spend the rest of your life with.  Guilt should not come into play.  If you marry, or become seriously involved with someone, because you are feeling guilty, you are selling yourself short.  Play the field, and find the "one".  Like Jim said, "as long as you are not leading them on, telling each one that she is the one, etc. "

[mustfocus]

Hey Neil,

Personally, I agree with you.  I don't know if I could trust Nina if I were you.  We're often warned not to play games with other people's hearts, but the same applies to them.  If she wants to be friends, that's cool.  But I don't think you should revisit the past like that.  If you were to "take her back", you won't have the same chemistry that you thought you had before and the trust factor is always there.

As for the other two ladies, that's a different story.  Just realise something.  If you're serious about Brenda, then let Yang Yang know.  But realise that you don't want Yang Yang to feel like she is a backup plan for a failed relationship.  Before, you met Yang Yang while in a relationship.  Now that you're not, you could go with her.  But if you go with Brenda, you might not get a second chance with Yang Yang.  Don't make her feel like Plan B...

Remember how you felt with Nina... I don't suggest you make others feel like that...

[rockycoon]

neil, forget nina, stay friends with brenda (email, etc.) but not serious, and hang with Yang Yang and see how she feels about
your relationship with her.  If Yang Yang is serious, then hang with her.  If she is not, take up with Brenda.  At least yang yang is
in the country where you both can visit each other in person.  You are a smart guy and I am sure you can figure this
one out.  If it was me, I'd hang with Yang Yang to see what it could be or turn into.  Does Yang Yang have feelings for you?
Got to find out.

[Willy The Londoner]

I would say never ever go back to the same person you have broken up with previously. It rarely works out.  

But Yang Yang will be a better prospect - she obviously speaks English, also has no problems getting into Canada to teach. Less problems and no EMF's.

Your onto a win win situation.

Willy

[mustfocus]

Actually, if she knows how to come here to teach, I would be interested in finding that out myself...bring my lady over that way to visit...

[Martin]

I would say never ever go back to the same person you have broken up with previously. It rarely works out.  

But Yang Yang will be a better prospect - she obviously speaks English, also has no problems getting into Canada to teach. Less problems and no EMF's.

Your onto a win win situation.

Willy

Thanks for that advice Willy...I could have used that several years ago when my wife and I split up...and I took her back a few more times.

[Willy The Londoner]

I would say never ever go back to the same person you have broken up with previously. It rarely works out.  

Thanks for that advice Willy...I could have used that several years ago when my wife and I split up...and I took her back a few more times.

But then my own elder sister has been married to the same man for 42 years yet the married only in 1975!    

Before any one scratches their head let me say they married first in 1965 and divorced 7 years later.  They then met again a couple of years later and married for a second time in 1975.   So not everyone listens to what I say! :angel:

Willy

[Bee964]

I would say never ever go back to the same person you have broken up with previously. It rarely works out.  

Thanks for that advice Willy...I could have used that several years ago when my wife and I split up...and I took her back a few more times.

But then my own elder sister has been married to the same man for 42 years yet the married only in 1975!    

Before any one scratches their head let me say they married first in 1965 and divorced 7 years later.  They then met again a couple of years later and married for a second time in 1975.   So not everyone listens to what I say! :angel:

Willy

Willy,

Are they still together? I think Liz Taylor and Richard Burton were married to each other twice and divorced twice. Like Martin said, it rarely work out.

Dave cNeil,

I am with most of the other guys here on this. I think you only have one choice, Yang Yang. If she is willing to give it a try I would go for it with her. You already have some direct contact with her. Just as everybody else says, don't lead any of the women on. I don't think you would though. I think your only choice would be between Brenda and Yang Yang. I think that there would be a trust issue with Nina if you go back with her. This is just my opinion here.

Dave C

[Neil]

Thanks for all the great replies guys.  Just for clarification, Yang Yang is in Beijing right now.  She has applied for another working visa to come to Canada and her interview is this week.  I think I'll put some pressure on her - try to be more than a friend in the coming months until she gets back here.

I will continue emailing and getting to know Brenda.  Her English is good too and from our emails she seems like a real sweetheart.  I phoned her yesterday - our first phone call.  I had a difficult time hearing her, but she had the cutest little dainty voice.  Brenda is a teacher in a high school; Yang Yang is my English teacher, but she's more of a translator/interpreter.  

As for Nina, I know in my head that it's over.  In my heart and my other head is another story.  It's easy from all your points of view to say "you can never go back", but it's not so easy for me.  It's actually the most difficult decision I'll ever make.  It's a decision I may regret making either way.

Brenda: [attachment=1999]
Yang Yang: [attachment=2000]
Nina: [attachment=2001]

[odysseus007]

Decide between Brenda & Yang Yang. Only you can decide, nobody else.

[David S]

Well on the photos they are all very attractive ladies.  Either way between Brenda and Yang Yang i know you are weighing your options.  Wish you luck with what ever way you decide to go.

[jeffm]

Thanks for all the great replies guys.  Just for clarification, Yang Yang is in Beijing right now.  She has applied for another working visa to come to Canada and her interview is this week.  I think I'll put some pressure on her - try to be more than a friend in the coming months until she gets back here.

I will continue emailing and getting to know Brenda.  Her English is good too and from our emails she seems like a real sweetheart.  I phoned her yesterday - our first phone call.  I had a difficult time hearing her, but she had the cutest little dainty voice.  Brenda is a teacher in a high school; Yang Yang is my English teacher, but she's more of a translator/interpreter.  

As for Nina, I know in my head that it's over.  In my heart and my other head is another story.  It's easy from all your points of view to say "you can never go back", but it's not so easy for me.  It's actually the most difficult decision I'll ever make.  It's a decision I may regret making either way.

Brenda:
Yang Yang:
Nina:

Neil,

I was emailing with Brenda and was going to see her in Nanning, but I met Gina first, and it was all over for me. This was the first week of March when  I arrived in China.   Brenda is indeed a nice girl.  Her English is good too.  From what I know of her I don't think you can go wrong with her.  Good Luck.