Engagement in China - and later marriage

[Hans]

Hey guys!

My lady and I have decided to get engaged in June in China. In Sweden an engagement is a private matter for the couple while in China it seems to be more of a family gathering event. I’m fine with that. My lady has basically told me that we’ll just have a dinner together and exchange rings. However, I wonder if there is more to it than that and that she’s to shy to tell me about it. Has anyone here been engaged in China and can fill me in on this one? What’s a traditional engagement dinner like?

If everything goes well we’ll marry late next year. We’ve talked about how to do it, with one ceremony in China and (possibly a smaller one) in Sweden. I’ve watched wedding videos from China, including one of the board member’s, so I know that there is a big difference between Chinese weddings and weddings in the West as far as the ceremony goes. Then there’s the dowry (is that the English word for it…?), (嫁妆?), the money I am expected to give her parents when marrying their daughter. Is there a minimum sum expected from me? How much will they expect to receive? I’ll be saving money for the wedding as soon as I get back from China in July and it would really, really help to know what kind of money is expected from me next year! 

All the best!

Hans

[ppmike]

Here is the site
http://chinese.weddings.com/articles/chinese-pre-wedding-traditions.aspx

[shaun]

Hans,

Peggy and I had and engagement party in Shaoguan in April.  We selected a ring and she wore it to show everyone. 

There will be the issue of the engagement money you will need to give to her family.  I am sure with each woman and situation that it is different.  My engagement almost ended because I didn't completely understand Peggy and her situation.  Since she had been married before I have 1000RMB.  To say she was p*&&#d is an understatement.  Fortunately the whole family was on my side and she accepted it I thought.  Two weeks ago it came up again and she wanted me to give her mother a lot of money.  We argued, got her sister involved and finally settled.  All is well.

I tell you this because you will need to ascertain what her expectations are.  If the two of you have different things in mind then you will need to discuss it and I will tell you from experience you will need to move closer to her idea than she will need to move to yours.  But get ready because this may be a very important issue.  Don't overlook it.

Shaun

[David5o]

Hans,

You shouldn't have to worry about money right now, as any Red Envelope money can be deferred to nearer the wedding date. They will fully understand that right now you are a student and not earning a great deal.

Unfortunately for you, your lady is single (never been married) and young. So you will need to negotiate with your lady, as to what you should be giving to her parents as a dowry.

Personally i don't agree with these red envelope situations, they serve no purpose, and can ruin relationships. It's all to do with ''face'' and what they consider is there family ''worth''!!!   There is a fair to better chance of you receiving any money given by you, back to you in the form of another red envelope(s) from her family to you and your then wife,  that could well exceed what you have given....but then again, maybe not!!! lol!!!


David.....

[David5o]

ppmike,

That Article you posted, ...is soooooo far out of date with modern China, and even then, bore no resemblance with a foreigner marrying a Chinese lady....

What Han's is looking for is a ''ball park '' figure that he can work on.... Hopefully someone here that has married a Young Chinese lady can help him on that score ....

David.....

[Martin]

Ask her.  My wife had never been married before.  She was 30 when we got married.  I asked about the red envelope, and she told me that it was not required.  Her family is not "traditional" when it comes to that.  So for myself, no money was paid to the family.  I would not have known this if I did not ask...and trust me, i asked several times, because it seemed to be a recurring theme on this forum, so i wanted to make sure I got it right.

http://thechinesedumpling.blogspot.com/2009/04/wedding-celebration.html  This is the blog entry of my wedding day...sorry, no video.

Nik and Fei's Wedding  Here is Nik's wedding video...almost required watching on this forum.

[Hans]

Thanks for the replies, guys!

Yes, the article didn't feel like it had much to do with my lady and I...

I'm not very comfortable with these red envelopes either, to be honest it feels rather awkward and weird. But I know it's their custom. My lady is the oldest child but only one of three. They have a younger daughter and a younger son as well and my impression is that they are reasonably wealthy by Chinese standards (meaning they have three kids and a nice apartment behind a gate in their home town while living and working in another town). I don't know if this gives any hint of anything, but I can say they're NOT poor farmers. 

I saw Nik's video before, indeed great to watch!

From the very beginning my lady has never asked me about how much money I earn and have, we've simply never discussed money at all (she has mentioned, however, that I am expected to pay money to her parents when I marry her and this was no news to me). At first I thought she just did not want to talk about money in case I would question her sincerity but not long ago when I, out of pure curiosity, asked her if it was expensive to register at the agency she just said 有点贵！(pretty expensive) but that it was worth it and did not want to say anything more. So it seems she is not very comfortable talking about money.

I guess I will just have to go ahead and ask her about the dowry in the end if I can't figure it out in any other way, but asking her about it is almost like asking your girlfriend how much her birthday gift should cost... Rather embarrassing. I guess I'm just looking for a figure here to determine if I'm completely out of it or if I'll be fine!

Martin, are you talking about the engagement or the wedding now?

[Martin]

I didn't pay any money to the family for engagement or for marrying their daughter.

[David E]

I asked Ming about this "Dowry" issue and she said that it is not necessary because this is her second marriage. She said it would be nice if we bought a gift for her parents as a gesture.

We couldnt decide what sort of a gift...so we decided that a red envelope with 2000 RMB ($300 !!!) would be the easiest way out for us.....but it was not expected or compulsory.

[Irishman]

I don't have to pay any dowry but I am expected to send some money every month to her parents when they retire. If I lived in China they would live with us but here that isn't possible.
I guess there are no hard and fast rules in this.

[ttwjr32]

i to didnt have to pay a dowry to my wifes family and it was her first marriage. this is something that
is done by some or not at all by some families. also i believe were they are on the social ladder is also
a big factor in this as the poorer ones require it more so than the others

[Hans]

I'm a bit surprised to see that quite a few of you were not required to pay a dowry. That's great. I feel a bit awkward about the whole thing, although I know I'm not "buying" myself a wife it does give me a strange feeling to pay my girlfriend's parents for their permission to marry their daughter. This is so far off from Swedish tradition that you can possibly get. Since she's already told me I am expected to pay I see no way around this. Although it is of course possible that it will be more of a gift as a gesture than a 10 000 € kind of gift... Time will tell!

[shaun]

OK so I guess I am the schlep who is paying for his bride to be.  But Hans, you need to ask as I think David5o said.  If she and her family have certain expectations then you run the risk of offending her as I did Peggy.

[Vince G]

This subject has been talked about allot. I'm surprised by guys that are shocked having to pay the family? The western word dowry means property or money brought by a bride to her husband on their marriage. Guys aren't shocked over this? Hans, I'm not pointing a finger at you just giving a generalization.

I think the worry should be more of the amount rather then the giving of.

[ttwjr32]

hey schlep,

dont worry about it its all in the learning process and by the way were is the care package  lol!!!!!