Passion in Interracial Relationships

[Axiom]

However, in my opinion, it also has some hidden dangers. Whenever a person "invests" a lot of energy into something (in this case relationship) - it becomes more difficult to admit a mistake. Sometimes people just don't fit each other, or for some reason it is better to both of them to separate. But if they put in too many efforts - they can develop an obsessive idea of being together in spite of anything, and sometimes just fail (or refuse) to recoginze the failure.

Could someone give examples of this? This kind of boggles my mind.
If you arent right for someone you would just know. I have dated quite a few women before and even after spending a large amount of time on them, we still broke it off when we realized we were not right for one another.

Seems logical.

[ttwjr32]

i could be wrong but i think what Crystal was saying is that sometimes people stay in a relationship
far to longer than what they should have been in. thus making the breakup even more of a disaster
than it would have been if done sooner. i guess we should wait to see what she has to say about it

[Philip]

Crystal deliberately uses the word "invests", and it is common for all kinds of investment, that the deeper you are invested in something, emotionally or financially, the harder it is to extricate yourself if things go wrong. The longer I invest in the shares of a company, the more I stand to lose if I bail out, plus there is always the possibility that the shares may recover. Similarly long-distance relationships tend to involve more of an effort to overcome the obstacles of language, culture, distance, family disapproval, greater commitment, more risk, more life-changing decisions, not to say a large financial outlay. So, if things are not going well, there is no easy get-out clause, little return on the large financial and emotional investment if you break-up, and the possibility that you have wasted months, if not years of your life if you admit that your relationship has failed. In the light of this, you are more likely to give it one more try, hiding the reality from yourself, which is that you are flogging a dead horse.
Maybe this is what Crystal means

[Crystal Tao]

Yes, this is exactly what I meant.
And thanks for making a notice of word "investing".

I remember a book on marketing psychology - how salesmen use different tricks to force buyers to make a deal.
There was an interesting thought - don't remember the exact quote, but the meaning was, that fools are very consequent in their foolishness. That is, once they stepped on the wrong path - they continue going that path (even if there are many signals that they are wrong).

How is it related to the previous topic? Well... maybe for face things, of for some other reasons - but once we begin to do something, and once we invested some critical amount of efforts --> we are not going to stop even if at some point realize that we are wrong (and we will "successfully" head to a logical, but not-happy-ending).
Because so many efforts are spent on online communication, paperwork, everybody around is somehow involved (including family, friends,colleagues). Too difficult to cut everything.

I really don't know how it works with Chinese ladies in US or Europe, but in Israel (where I live with my boyfriend) - they have a so-called girlfriend/boyfriend visa which can be extended again and again. It gives work permit, medical insurance and virtually any rights except citizenship. I think it is very wise - since people can test waters before tying the knot. And it reduces a lot of pressure when people make decisions.

Thankfully it has nothing to do with my relationship, which is very happy 

[shaun]

Crystal,

It is a good question.  There have been many good responses. I know you have moved past the original question but I was not able to get on for a few days and would like to add one to it.

For many of us it is a second marriage.  I was married for almost 28 years when we divorced.  Needless to say I was not thrilled with the divorce.  But as I look back on it, it should have happened years ago.  For me there is and interracial side to this but I think more importantly for me is that I have an opportunity to do things differently this time.  I am seeking to improve on how I handle the marriage this time.

Peggy and I had an interesting talk about it this morning.  She said you are 55 and I am 48.  We will not have many more chances at a happy marriage.  We both need to work hard for happiness.  We both need to focus on each other.  Our children have their lives and we need to be there for them but it is about you and me.  It is good to hear those words because it is exactly how I feel.    for Peggy and I it is a second chance to find true love that lasts a lifetime.

Shaun