Online dating - ...click...click...click

[Crystal Tao]

My philosophical and a bit blue mood is because of late time, I guess.
Well... I am making a little research about the online dating traits of Chinese girls (by simply analyzing their profiles).
So, I registered on ChineseLoveLinks and slowly fill the table with data. It is a slow process, since whether you want or not - even profiles are more than just pictures and few words. So... I sometimes stop and read, and begin to notice some curious things. Hmm, not going to write all that cocktail which is currently in my head. But want to share one thought with you.

Members on that site have IDs. So from the number you can guess how long ago the member registered. Taking in account the rate of IDs growth - I guess that some active profiles are 4-5 years old.
Isn't it strange? On internet one can meet so many people, that it should be a much quicker process that in "real" life.
But then I began understanding. You know... even though I clearly stated on my profile that I don't have any romantic goals on that site, still there are incoming invitations from guys for live chats. And I accept them and chat a minute or two.
Well, instead of waiting for the chat's beginning - I might blindly type in first answers without waiting for questions ("HI"... / ... "Thanks, I am okay"... / ... "Making a little research" ...).
And at that moment I caught myself thinking: "Isn't online dating just a form of addictive computer game for adults?"
Even the interface of homepage implies it. There are different tools for a good experience of "gamer", advanced searches, collections of "Favorite Members", lists of those who looked at you, and of those at whom you looked, different ways to interact with other "gamers" etc etc.
The only question is what is the goal of this game, and how to win it? I am afraid that for many people the game process itself is more entertaining than a possibility to find their one and only. And why exactly should limit yourself to just one, when there are many beautiful girls' profiles around - SO MANY, that you are afraid to make the wrong choice and instead just continue playing.
Fortunately, the rules of the game are very simple - all you need is just to click.
Oh, this one is nice, but too fat... click... ahha, this one is better.... okay - let's send interest... click... what do we have here? mmm, looks interesting, let's save her into "favorites" and maybe later send message... click... now, lets check if there is some fish online currently... click...click...click

[Martin]

I think I would have to agree with that analogy.  Being a gamer myself, I can totally see how you came to this.  Of course, only the beginning is like gaming...the rest becomes something entirely different.

[maxx]

Crystal  we call it  the kid in a candy store syndrome.With the advent of web site dating.There are just way to many choices.For most people to make a decision.On who they think would make a good life partner.When you pay a set price for a month.You have allot of time to look at different profiles.And do different web chats With different people.When you have to pay for each and every letter.You will take your time.And think more about the person you just wrote the letter to.

The people who have ben on the web sites for 3 or 4 years.Haven't been actively looking.Or they are trying to work a scam for a green card or money.If the person is handsome or good looking sometimes the web site will leave their profile posted to generate more business.

For most of the members on the western side of these Internet dating sites.It is just a game.It is a rush to see how many beautiful girls you can have a chat with.Some of these guys are married.Some of these guys.Would never leave their own country and travel abroad.To actually meet the lady.They think they would.But really they won't.they are to frightened to unsure of themselves or to unsure of  the woman they are talking to.

I think it is the same for some of the ladies to.It was fun to sign up.It is fun Talk to all these handsome foreign men.But when the man does want to come and see the woman.The woman will just disappear.Or tell you she has met someone else. Or Any other  excuse you can think of We have heard them all before.

We talked about this awhile back.We have come to the conclusion that any Internet dating site thiere success rate is probably right around 40%.40% is probably to high of a number.It is probably closer to 20%.It has nothing to do with the quality of the Internet dating  site.It is usually from the web site members.Getting in thiere own way.And wrecking the relationship before it can get started.

[Neil]

I agree with a lot of what you have said.  Seems that I ran into one that is only enjoying the game with no real desire to take it further.  I'd also have to agree with something someone else said in a different thread about the ones on dating sites not being the ones out working, providing for a family and being social (I may have read it wrong - that's how I am starting to see it now).   The ones on dating sites are the ones who can't find a mate - usually for a good reason.  Not only ladies, us men as well. 

I started out in March with two or three fish on the line, trying to decide which one is a better catch.  One really stood out so I did the right thing and let the others go.   Two weeks ago I got my visa, last week I was preparing to buy my ticket and *poof* - she disappeared.   At least I didn't spend the money yet.  Things were going great - phone contact, daily emails, good communication and no issues.   Had I been the creep with two or three ladies on the go, I could have moved on to the fallback position and only end up hurting one of 'em, but as it turns out I'm the one who gets hurt.  Again. 

I'm done with online dating and I'm done with China for now.  I'm starting to realize that the only real good way to build a relationship is to do it face-to-face.  It's too easy to lie online.  It's too easy to lie to yourself and it's too easy to find an out when it come down to crunch time.  I'm sick of the game.  In a game there's always winners and losers.  If you can figure out the game you can come out on top, but I don't feel comfortable with the trail of bodies in my wake (or being one of the bodies either). 

Game Over

[Willy The Londoner]

Wow Maxx thats another long posting from you.

The second I have seen from you in a week! And we normally get a line or two at the most.

 I forget who the first one was aimed at. Could it have been the same person's thread?
   
I think she sums up computer sites well.

Sorry it's all gone wrong again Neil.  Like you say there is only one way and that is face to face.  I met my wife whilst here in China.  When we met we did not expect too much of each other.  That way we got a lot more back than we expected.

Willy

[Vince G]

Now here's a subject that I know of all to well. I suppose to some it is a game? It's almost the same as looking to meet someone in a club or bar...  "this one is nice, but too fat... click... ahha, this one is better.... okay - let's send interest" (a wink, a smile).

I stopped going to clubs or bars some years ago at least for the reason of meeting a woman. At one time in my life it was an every day event. These days I realize they aren't the type of people I want to have a long term relationship with. And I don't do one nighters.

Back to online dating sites, I even found recently that one that I had a profile on for years must have been bought out or something? It's a whole new name. Even Yahoo is closing it's doors and switching it all to Match.com.

Though I'm on most of these sites I am not active on them. To many profiles either sound the same and are boring or flags pop up, fakers. I think I use it as entertainment? Maybe that's my game?

 

Neil, I know what you mean and feel. Hey at least you have Vancouver there?   

[Bee964]

Very interesting thread.

Neil, I hope that you do not give up. I have only recently just been reminded of why I was "gaming on line" for an asian woman. (Interesting way to put it, "gaming") I am of the opinion that everybody "wins" in the "game" of love. It is just a matter of how long you play the "game" and how well you follow the rules of the "game". And I am not saying that you broke any rules either.

Dave C

[ttwjr32]

 wow neil sorry to hear that. but dont give up as one will come along that will be the one. i think many of us
 have gone thru that and thought the same but hang in there. finding the right one is a long road to go down
sometimes

crystal thats an interesting analogy of web sites. and one thing that will always remain constant with online
dating sites is that a majority of the people there arent serious and are playing games. filling some kind of
viod in their lives on these sites. i remember a while back reading an article that i wish i had kept because
it had quite a long description and view on this and it said that 10 per cent only find a long lasting relationship.
so it makes you wonder why people  do it in the first place. myself included. but i will say that i have now found
someone thru these avenues but i will admit that it did take quite a few years to find her after many failures and
disappointments.  i had a discussion with a supervisor from the ICE office in San Francisco in 2005 when i was filing
a charge of immigration fraud against a lady from China and they told me an intersting thing during that conversation
that when you think of the total immigration filings that come from china every year this number is just mind boggling

they told me the reason that they are so hard and take so much time on immigrants from china is that 6 out of 10 cases
end in a divorce or proven fraud because all that was of interest was coming to the USA and getting that visa. that just has
to be quite a large number when you factor in the whole year. and it makes you also wonder when you factor in the other
countries then it is just an astronomical number. but i guess it does explain why they take there time in granting these visa's

but of course i didnt give up and still came to china for visits and i did end up meeting my wife and now i reside in china with her
and her family.  so i guess the playing games factors ,really stack the odds against you but if you stay patient something will come
along for you. one thing i have noticed over the years the older man with his trophy wife for lack of a better term has always ended
in a disaster from the people i know personally who have done that. just an observation i have noticed from people i know in central calif
who have done that. maybe there are successes were this is concerned but i dont know of anyone who has had that. the people i know who
have done this with ladies from china and from mexico.

when i was living in central calif it was a melting pot of men trying to find ladies from other countries because they have given up on the
calif ladies. so you had the oppurtunity to meet many who are trying this avenue to meet there wife. and i have heard some interesting stories over this time

anyway just some of my observations based on discussions i have had over the last few years

[Scottish_Rob]

Neil sorry to hear the news...

As Mike say's take a break, come back refreshed and keep looking...

[Crystal Tao]

Two weeks ago I got my visa, last week I was preparing to buy my ticket and *poof* - she disappeared...

Just today I got a letter from one of my readers, with whom we exchanged few letters before (as he was asking me for some advices regarding his Chinese gf). And, though in order to protect his privacy I can't go into details, I can say that he found himself in even WORSE situation. I really felt very bad for him.

And now I read Neil's comments...     I only hope, that next time it will be better...
And there MUST be next time! Because we can't stop in our quest for happiness... maybe just a little break.

Crystal - I am curious about your research on CLL ..... did you sign up as a MAN looking for a lady ?  so that you can research things from that point of view ?

  ?? Sign up as a man? Of course, not! I signed up at ChineseLoveLinks as myself.
You can find my profile (make a search for 27 years old female, from Chongqing). 
 
Maybe I just didn't explain about my research. For it I don't need to contact anyone - just gathering information from members' public profiles, and putting it into my Excel file    Later will run some statistics - that's all.

As for the chats with guys - this is just a by-product of me being there. Actually, I DO learn a lot from these chats, but I am not going to write about my conclusions when I summarize the research - for two reasons:
1) This information is subjective and hard to be quantified
2) From the ethical point of view: although I clearly stated in my profile that I am not looking for romance, but make a research, those guys who initiate chat with me, of course click on the "chat" button without reading my profile, but just after seeing the picture - so I can't regard it as their agreement to participate in research

Anyway, believe it or not - when I finish to analyze 1000 profiles (this is my goal, 200 done so far) - I will have some interesting information to share. You see, I am making efforts to be more informative 

[Irishman]

It is a game for sure. Isn't the whole dating thing a big game of change. How many people marry the first girl (or guy) they ever dated.
I think that's part of the game, without practice you'll never get better, if you keep on trying eventually you might win a match!

My qin ai de is the fourth Chinese person I met, but she is the most special of all and the one I'm gonna marry on September 15th. I can honestly say that my experiences in China before has helped me to understand the culture far better and have helped our love to blossom and grow in a way it wouldnt have so easily the first time.
Neil, I really think you should not give up just yet, when you find someone special it makes it all worth while and I believe Chinese women are worth the extra effort, my girl sure is 

[ttwjr32]

congrats on the wedding date to the two of you  all the best for the future

sept 9  Sara and i will celebrate our 1 year anniversary

[chen yan]

Ted, you choose a good day to get marry,2009,9,9 .
Because 9 is the assonance of Chinese word" Jiu",
"Jiu" means permanent,I think you know this.
Happy Anniversary!

Neil,welcome to back to real life.
As we can know a person better in real life.
But we all know that even in real life ,it is still not that easy to know a person, You still need spent some time.
They can cover their real soul deeply in their body for a long time until you find out who they are.
When people stay long enough with each other ,they will know your character and who you are
I know I wonn't be willing to take any risks .
A romantic heart will die if it experiences too much times heart break.

[ttwjr32]

 thanks Yan for the compliment yes my wife told me that when we were deciding when we should
 get married.  one day i hope i get the invite to your very special day here in China on the very
lucky date you choose

[Willy The Londoner]

thanks Yan for the compliment yes my wife told me that when we were deciding when we should
 get married.  one day i hope i get the invite to your very special day here in China on the very
lucky date you choose

A real lucky day for you  Ted. Lucky she said Yes.
Willy