Chinese Gold Diggers

[Lain]

Lain

I do not wish to sound critical, but you sound as though you expect it to fail and are indeed making preparations for such. She is of course pushing the boundaries as any child will, until they find the hard boudary. From your descriptions, she sounds somewhat childlike.

In the end, I think you will get what you expect. We men often overlook compatability for beauty. Then when it fails, we struggle to figure out why or blame the lady totally.

Going by what you have said in some of your other threads, I do not believe that you will be happy with this lady in any long term scenario. There is someone there better suited to you and maybe you should not be so single minded over this one.

This is just my opinion, take it for what it is. I have no doubt you will press further before giving this one a miss.

I do find this post to be somewhat ignorant of the facts. Yes she is young (so am I), yes she is very beautiful...but no I am not only interested in her for her looks...and to infer that I am is way off base. If I were so shallow than I would not waste my time here asking about Chinese gold-diggers now would I ?

The reality is that we only met for a short period (4 times) over the 2 weeks that I was there. We have spent the past 7 months writing letters and for the most part its gone really good. Its only been over the past few weeks that the reality of my moving there has begun to make us BOTH take a serious hard look at our relationship and ask some serious questions....that need to be asked, and dealt with. Its easy to talk nice and be all cute when were half way around the world from each other...problems will arise when the reality of being a mile or so away happens and we both have to actually make an effort to have a real relationship crossing all the language, cultural and many other barriers. She is under 30 and I am sure that she is NOT an "experienced" lady when it come to having a serious relationship....much less with a foreigner.

Opening up about her personal life, as it was explained is somewhat due again to the fact that she is a single young lady living on her own and she does not feel that here life is so special that its worth talking about...She says her life is simple, she goes to work, pays the bills....etc. She has told me many things about her life....I just ask questions that she does not seem to understand why I ask them...like what she is eating for dinner or if she had a good day at work...she is just not used to having anyone care about what she calls "trivial things"

Does she have some maturity issues to deal with...I would say yes, but to her credit when I chastised her for being late and a few other things recently that had me questioning her sincerity about our relationship....she did not make up some BS lie, or tell me some sob story like I have heard from other ladies..She took responsibility, simply admitted that she has an issue with being a little selfish, stated that her rudeness was a major mistake and wrote me a sincere apology....To admit such a caricature flaw shows that she is at very least honest with herself and me...that says allot about her personality from my perspective.

To draw a full conclusion about her ONLY from the few snips of details that I have asked about here on this forum is pretty arrogant to say the least...as you have not read the over 100 letters we have exchanged or any of the other details that I have NEVER mentioned here. I know that the odds are massively stacked against me, and there will be many problems. This is why I have chosen to move there, so that I can be on the ground experiencing it for myself. Learning the actual culture, gaining a grasp on the language and what its really like to live there. If she is BS'n me I will know in short order and as I said, I will move ahead to any of the other ladies I have found that are bookmarked living in the Zhongshan area. But I am also not one who gives up so quickly that I am willing to allow a few problems or misunderstandings to trash what has otherwise been a good relationship. Maybe if some of you made more of an effort rather than taking the "My way or the highway" attitude you would not be on your 8th or more relationship trying to find the right lady to kiss your ass.

I ask about these questions because I am a cautious person by nature and like to be prepared...hence the reason why I posted in the "Ask An Experienced Member" section so I can get some realistic answers to my questions, not insults of being ignorant, in denial, or any other number of other comments made.

Also I asked about divorce as I read a recent post of a member here who is having to deal with that...and since I have never before considered the legalities, it was a legitimate question to ask...But once again to automatically infer that I was curious JUST because of my lady and some concerns I have is simply jumping to erroneous conclusions. I am a person who actually takes the time to educate myself of the reality of the world I am going to be living in soon..if your not that type of person who plans ahead, than it may go along way towards explaining why some of you guys have such a negative tone when talking about your experiences....you cant play the game when you don't know the rules, and while I always hope for the best...I am smart enough to plan for the worst.

Lets get real here, this is a communist country where the rules of law are NOT like they are in the states and it would be completely irresponsible to simply go over there to play family and act like everything works like it does back home. 

Sorry of you think I am overboard on my reply, but seriously if your going to act like an ass, jump to wild conclusions and insult me expect to get it back. If you can address the question in a respectable  manner and offer some words of advice than I greatly appreciate your time and efforts.

[shaun]

I am glad you said something because I would have not been as nice as you were.

[Jadams79]

Lain my 2 cents being a younger guy, and meeting many different younger women in person, the ones I have met that do not give face by attempting to connect with you, you seriously need to avoid. Maybe sending her away will make her see the reality of what she is facing with you, or just leaving, and I have done this on several dates. Some girls do see a western guy and think $$ thats reality.

Then there is the 24 hour rule, and trust your gut, if it feels insecure and stupid, it probably wont be fixed.

In almost 2 years I have spent a total of 5 months in and out of China looking for the right girl, and on business. The advice the guys here like Martin, Arnold, Maxx so on and so forth is always sound.

Since you are moving, you will find that one special girl, even if it is the one you are currently speaking, you'll know it instantly then commit 110%

[Lain]

I have been reading up on this "face" issue and as best as I can surmise its not unlike the Alpha-Male assertion in pack dog behavior. Kind of a crude comparison, but on its surface its about defining who is "really" in charge. This is a new concept for me as I am the type of person who would like to assume that a relationship is an equal deal....but I am not naive either. Very possible that her lateness was a test as has been mentioned...she admits that it was a mistake, so to me that means it was intentional.

Once I have an apartment there and can assert myself with some sort of credibility than I do think this "face game" will take on a whole other tone. Last week I also let her know that if she does not take me serious and reply to my letters with direct answers to my question that I will start talking to other ladies BEFORE I move there. I have already noticed a change in the tone of her letters.

I also let her know that I will not tolerate the type of behavior that I have mentioned her....like being late, or selfish actions designed to provoke or test my patience. Being younger and less experienced with dating and western culture I think (hope) that some of this is simply her doing what her culture and generation understand.....we will see? I am a tolerant person...to a point.

Some of the advice given is by men who are most notably older, divorced and are currently in relations with ladies who are the same and if its one thing that clearly stood out as I observed on my trip to China...its that there is a HUGE generational divide amongst the people 30 and younger versus the older generation. Prosperity has been much better to the younger generation and with that...it has brought about a much different way of thinking as these younger ones have not lived through some of the hardships that the older folks have been forced to endure. I honestly believe that in the case of relationships, marriage and family that there are a new "set of rules" to learn about and apply with the under 30 ladies.

Thanks for you advice....minus the insults.

[Irishman]

Lain we all wish you best, you wont find another group of men anywhere that understand what you are doing (to various degrees i suppose), don't loose sight of that.
Nobody has all the answers (except Maxx who is beyond help!), we all have to figure out our own path, now and again we stray off it and need someone else to say "hey..are you sure that the right way?", but at the end of the day its your call and your life and I certainly respect that as I'm certain the rest of us do.

Sometimes its easier to see things from a distance than right close up, think of a Monet painting!
Sometimes the advice is right sometimes its gonna send you in circles, just try to keep a calm head and you will know right from wrong without emotions getting everything stirred up inside.

[bugeye]

I do find this post to be somewhat ignorant of the facts. Yes she is young (so am I), yes she is very beautiful...but no I am not only interested in her for her looks...and to infer that I am is way off base. If I were so shallow than I would not waste my time here asking about Chinese gold-diggers now would I ?
...
Sorry of you think I am overboard on my reply, but seriously if your going to act like an ass, jump to wild conclusions and insult me expect to get it back. If you can address the question in a respectable  manner and offer some words of advice than I greatly appreciate your time and efforts.

I apologise if you feel that I insulted you.

Firstly, I did not say your lady was childish nor a child, but "somewhat childlike" and my reference was to a particular part of her behaviour that you were disturbed about,  that is, pushing your boundaries to see what you would tolerate. I did not mean to imply that she had a childish personality overall. I had used a common example of children pushing boundaries to explain her behaviour at the time. It just meant that as you have also concluded, that in certain areas, she has maturity issues. I certainly did not imply that you were childish in any way.

I also said that in the end, I think you will get what you expect. Your expectations do not seem that high. After 7 months of letters, then finally seeing her, only just over a week ago, you wrote "As for marriage....well, that's still the big question and while that is the ultimate goal, I am still not so sure that she is the one ~ but I do hope." You also asked about divorce settlements at this stage. I understand your legal concerns, but what I said was part of a few comments, not just that one. What your expectations are is entirely up to you.

Also, I did not say nor imply that you were shallow. 99.99% of men look at physical beauty first and personality second. I specifically used the word "we" here. It is just what we are. This does not mean that we ignore personality. People have multifold motivations for most things. No one is interested in anything for "just one reason", Psych 101. But heck man, she is drop dead gorgeous. I don't believe you haven't noticed that. As men, we tend to give much more leaway to a beautiful woman than others. This is not a disparagement on you, just biology at work.

I also said: "There is someone there better suited to you and maybe you should not be so single minded over this one." You yourself have threatened your lady with this yourself. "Last week I also let her know that if she does not take me serious and reply to my letters with direct answers to my question that I will start talking to other ladies BEFORE I move there." I should have however preceded my statement with "I believe" and I apologise for not doing so.

I stated my opinion that in the long run I do not feel you will be happy with her. That is still my opinion based upon what you have said. I also said that you would continue to persue her. You have indicated a tenacity and persistence in your personality, so I was just stating the obvious here. Again, no insult whatsoever. You yourself  agree that persisting is a positive trait. As for my arrogance, well that is so. But it comes after years of accurate predictions about relationships even when only a tiny amount of information is available. You can be the proof of my error. I will be happy with that. No one likes to see others unhappy unless they are sadistic.

I wish you only the best.

[ttwjr32]

a lot of the behavior,wants, desires, of the younger generation i think has evolved from the 1 child poilicy that has
created a generation of spoiled children who have been dotted upon all their life. now this is not meant to be a bad
comment nor is it meant that all are like that , but i see that it has developed a very different thinking generation that
has to be dealt with and understood differently than what some of us older guys have encountered

[Lain]

Its all good gentleman....I am a bit stressed over this move for more reasons than just my relationship. This will be the first time I have chosen to up and move my companies NOC (network operations center) and while I have remotely operated while on vacation many times, I have always had the convenience of coming home to solve any issues. Once I am there...that is it, my company and my sole source of income are at stake so I am on edge....sorry if I over-reacted, just under allot of stress and was seeking support, not insults. Normally I am not like this.

As for my lady and her looks...well honestly her chnlove pictures are sort of lame by comparison to what I know she looks like now.  It was only after we had wrote several times that she started to send me all sorts of pictures of her that I really began to understand she was freaking beautiful....by then I had already begun to like her based on what she had to say. So it was NOT her beauty that first sparked my interest in her.

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I would be a liar though if I said that I do not give her some extra leeway because she is well, fine....but as I have said, my patience does have limits and I am looking for a serious relationship. I also understand that as in ANY long distance / multi-cultural relationship it will take lots of work, and even more patience than would otherwise be required....she has demonstrated an amazing amount of tolerance with me for what could only be called "ignorance" on many issues where communication and cultural differences have occurred.

To be honest I am new at all this, she is the first lady I have gone to see...not the first I have wrote too. My trip to China was also my first and to be very honest I was overwhelmed by the ENTIRE experience.....especially the travelers diarrhea which really sucked BAD!! So to be fair, I was not really aware of situation all the time.....I was really just happy to be there with her. I have made the choice to move for several reasons, but honestly I cannot see any other way to continue or develop our relationship unless I move there...so off I am going and we will see how it goes. Maybe I am a little delusional ?? But honestly I can see no better choice than to pack my bags and move, because sooner or later it will come to this whether its with her...or another lady and if I am to operate my company from abroad than now is the time to do it as I am almost at the next stage of my business where it will grow almost 10 fold when the latest system rolls out and I move into multiple markets that I have not operated in yet.

Again gents....sorry for the attitude...just a bit edgy, stressed....and to be very honest really looking forward to being in her arms again. 

[ttwjr32]

Lain,

visiting China and living here are two totally different things, relax make your plans and move in the
most seemless and uneventful way that you can. when you start living here then you can stress each
day with the many many strange things and events you will see and hear each day. but as you are here
at least you will be with someone who will grow with you each day and help you to understand all the
many things that you will see that are totally different to what your accustomed to seeing or doing. especially
in a city like Zhongshan which is quite different from a bigger city here in China. but it think in time you will relax
and really enjoy the life here as it is quite a nice life. if one adapts well to all the other nuances that you encounter.

and dont take some of the postings to heart so much, take it from someone who has lived in China and has seen
it first hand and had to make those adjustments.

and when you land in Zhongshan get a shirt made up with "im the other western man" so the locals dont get you mixed up with the other westerner living there  'Willy'  will save you some explaining  lol!!!!!

[Willy The Londoner]

They will not mix us up.  I am well into Chinese life now.  I rarely eat anything western.  I have even cut coffee down to one a day. the rest is water.  I no longer look for toilets when I am out just the nearest alleyway. .  Although never in restuarants, yet,  I can gob with teh best of them.  I automatically squash my used water bottles and slip it in the sack waiting for the collection and a few rmb in the hand.

I explain that every this is Tie Quilla - dont know the wordsto write but definately know how to say them.

When we get to uk for holiday next month I will be lost.

Willy

 

[ttwjr32]

your suppoesed to blend the two cultures not let yours go by the wayside thats not good

[Hans]

I guess the best way to avoid gold diggers is to have no money! All the money I have have gone to traveling for the past few years, both Thailand and China, and being a student I have very little means. My lady knows this. I was very clear from the beginning that ladies seeking guys with money had better turn elsewhere. Maybe they did since me and my lady rarely talk about money at all and no matter what coming to Sweden will be an upgrade for her materialistic wise. Being fair, though, there are lots of girls in the West looking for the BBD all the time as well...

Now, if you do have money, don't necessarily tell girls about it every two minutes (I know we men like to show ladies how much money we have, try to avoid it). 

[ttwjr32]

absolutely  DO NOT FLASH MONEY  thats asking for the unusually high requests from the family. just claim poor
it has worked for me so far.

[Willy The Londoner]

M Ambassador I HAVE NEVER EVER BEEN A FLASHER.  Had to shout that so everyone heard it.

Willy

[ttwjr32]

willy???