THE RED ENVELOPE

[mickw]

Hello Guys

This enquiry is directed at the members whohave been through the mariage to their ladies,and my question is regarding the red envelope issue.

Lin Fang spent 5 months with me here in the UK from November 2009 till April this year via a visitors visa we secured, she was here in the UK through some of the worst weather we suffered over December to February and she adapted well to life here ,went to a scripture based school to improve her english ,and we both thought her visit here would be a good sounding out period for both of us ,see if she could cope with the vastly different cultures and customs here and indeed if we could cope with each other long term too !!!!.She was due to return after 3 months here to Keep her job ,but as her time to return approached she said she wanted to stay for the duration of her visa and let her job go ,so i changed the flight for one 2 months hence,and figured if she was willing to give up her job ,as a doctor by the way ,for me this was a show of her solid love for me.
We got engaged here ,and after she returned we have daily contact on QQ sometime twice a day.Im returning to China at the end of august to tie the knot,having aquired the cert of no impediment and all the rest of the paperwork and Visa,she has set the date for the wedding dinner for the 9th of September,and i have a question re the red envelope.

Lin fang has tried to explain how it works ,but regrettably the grammar is lost in translation ,even with her translator software and her hand held one

Having read several threads on this subject,I was under the impression that we are supposed to give out the envelopes to the guests and they give us one back in return,and in some cases get more money returned than is given out

However im led to beleive,as far as i can make out from Lin Fang ,their custom is only to receive a red envelope from the  guests ,which we apparently give back to them in politeness ,meaning thanks but no thanks the wedding dinner is on us ,a different take on what i have read and obviously this leads to confusion.

anyone clarify this situation please?

Another situation is that she wants to invite circa 40 guests namely family and close friends,no problem with that but also shes wanting to buy some sweets for her other friends namely the ones who shes not inviting to the wedding and also her past colleagues and school friends,amounting to some 130 bags of sweets @28 RMB each which in monetary terms amounts to over £300,a figure which i find rather excessive for sweets ,when it could be put to better use towards her wife visa we will apply for after were married .

This is her and my 2nd marriage so i think the sweet thing for some people who shes maybe not seen for years seems a bit pointless,in my opinion.

again guys your views appreciated


Cheers

Mick

[Jimmy]

As Ted Said I have seen some guys get roped into a bunch of cash and more. And others nothing.
Myself I bought some very nice gifts for them which is what my wife told me I should do.
I think the best advice is to go with on this, is do whatever you wife tells you. She knows the culture and her family better than you ever will.
And I am sure she loves you very much and will not want you to do the wrong thing.

Many times what they tell us to do as far as things that are different in cultures seem very strange. But I am sure they feel the same way about many things we ask them to do. Trust is more important than ever, She will not let you lose face or get hurt you already know that. They truly are steel rods swathed in flowers,

[Paul Todd]

Hello Mick,

When my wife and I were married we only received red envelopes at our marriage ceremony. In fact what everyone gave was meticulously written down in a bound book to be kept as some sort of record, I think. My wife only paid for the wedding the day after ???and what was in the envelopes more than covered this. At the time of course  I knew nothing about it, so it was a nice surprise to have the wedding paid for by the guest's .There are so many different customs out there that it's hard to know what to do, best thing I can suggest is what Jimmy said, let your wife handle the whole thing and just hang on for the ride! We gave out sweets to people who did not attend our wedding and ones that did too. I would go along with the price, it's her big day and it gives lots of "Face" to you both and her friends as well. Congratulations!  Happy days to come!

[Willy The Londoner]

I cannot answer on the red enevlope.  We neither gave any or received any.  Neither did we have any get together ceremony after the wedding office official business.  Having a fancy weddng the second time around was not on the agenda. It did not help the first time so why should it help on the second?  Or am I just being synical?

 We have been to gether a year now and the love is the same now as it was back in 2009.

Willy

[auburnkp]

Hi Mick,
I have heard that the guy gives the parents 10 to 30,000rmb as a gift. Unfortunately, I did not have that much money to give my in-laws, so I didn't. I paid for the wedding banquet which was about $3,000 US for 100 people. When the guest came, they gave their red envelopes and my mother in-law kept them. My wife told me it was about 20,000rmb. My wife told me that she has gone to other people's wedding banquets and given 400rmb, so it is expected for the friends to give back the same amount if not more. We did not give out red envelopes to the guest and I believe that is the tradition, but nothing says you can't. As for the candy, we did the same. We bought little boxes and put in our own candy. My wife and her friends did this before I went to China for the wedding banquet. My wife basically planned the wedding banquet and I paid for it.

Keith

[Bee964]

 We have been to gether a year now and the love is the same now as it was back in 2009.

Willy

Willy,

Are you saying that the love you have for your wife has not deepened over the past year? I am just curious about this.

Dave C

[ttwjr32]

dave,

he is old and cant remember from 1 day to the next  hahaha

[Chong]

Mick,

I gave 18,000 RMB because my wife's brother-in-law gave that particular amount to his bride ... so I had to match it. We got back only 1,250 RMB back in banquet red envelopes. Most of my wife's relatives gave gold jewellery instead.

[Willy The Londoner]

 We have been to gether a year now and the love is the same now as it was back in 2009.

Willy

Willy,

Are you saying that the love you have for your wife has not deepened over the past year? I am just curious about this.

Dave C

Who was talking about my love and my wife?  When she can finally read English then I am in BIG, BIG Trouble.
 
Willy

[Scottish_Rob]

Who was talking about my love and my wife?  When she can finally read English then I am in BIG, BIG Trouble.
 
Willy
[/quote]

Or even before...... when I come for a visit in September....

[Scottish_Rob]

Mick
Whereabouts in China will you be going too...I seem to have forgotten?

[mickw]

Hi Guys

Thanks for all the advice and input,seems the best way to go is leave it to my future other half and run with her,customs and family ways obviously differ from province to province.

Hi Rob ,im away to HKK with Qatar air via Doha on the 26 th and connect to Fuzhou in Fujian province with Dragon air 3 hours after landing in HKK ,get to Fuzhou at 7 pm on the 27th and i think were getting the train to Lin Fang's town which is a spot called Xiapu a couple of hours away .Im taking my little 8 year old daughter with me this time ,shes going to be a bridesmaid at the wedding so shes chuffed about that .Im hoping to take a trip to the great wall if time permits.I think Lin Fang is planning our actual marriage at the marriage office early on when i get there and the wedding dinner is set for the 9th of september.

Ill try and report things when im there ,but if not ill post some pics and reports when im back in blighty

Cheers

Mick

[Martin]

Good luck with your 8 year old.  I took my 7 year old last fall.  She had a blast.  We did have some difficulty finding food that she would eat...or at least recognize, then eat.  She got really good at using chop sticks.  She was pretty well treated like royalty while I was there.  I look forward to reading about your trip.

[Willy The Londoner]

You will need to make some plans for your daughters involvement. If she is to be bridesmaid it will  be very difficult at the marriage office.  It is not like a ceremony as  in a UK registrars office.

You get the  paperwork filled out and just sit back whilst they enter the details.  You read from a declaraition page and so does the lady. You sit back again and they give you a little red book and your married.

One thing that you should check on right away is can the office in the ladies home town actually marry you!  My wife's home city in Hengyang but they cannot marry foreigners as they did not have foreigners  facilities and we had to go to Changsha. 

Make sure that they can do it and plan accordingly.

Willy

[Martin]

One thing that you should check on right away is can the office in the ladies home town actually marry you!  My wife's home city in Hengyang but they cannot marry foreigners as they did not have foreigners  facilities and we had to go to Changsha.
Willy

I had the same thing.  My wife and I could not marry in Zixing.  We also had to go to Changsha...a 4 hour train ride.  But that's alright, because I really like Changsha...definitely my favorite city in China so far.