Hi all.
First since im new here i will give a short introduction. Im 34 years old and hail from Sweden. By profession currently im an IT Security Forensics/Analyst and Consultant. I´ve not done that my whole life but the IT market covers a big spectrum and you could say i have been working the corners for the last past 16 years. Had my first job when i was 18, quit school to try real life. Intended to go back but ... Things never go as planned and i have been working ever since.
I wasnt quite sure where to post this since my journey or what im about to tell partly fits her and there so i guess most apropriate will be here.
I have never been married, and i have no kids. Been close though. Put aside all flirts and girls in the youth i have had 2 serious relationships. One lasted 8 1/2 year the other 4 years. In the first case, she was a great girl.. however i never loved her with my heart. But i stayed loyal to her and at that time perhaps i was too young to understand or feel the need of real love so i just "tagged along". All my siblings (4) were over confident i would marry first and i would have family first. Hehe, now they are all married and have kids except for my youngest lilsister who is quite a rebel and has a few years left to live the "wild life". My girlfriend got pregnant and i figured oups .. now im stuck. But i didnt have a problem with that then. But then i find out she had actually cheated once when i was abroad 2 weeks. The timing was perfect, whos the father? Well, she had a miscarriage and end of story ... I flew out the cuckoos nest. Illoyalty and unfaithfulness are the 2 worst thing i know. She was Swedish btw
I have always been drawn to Asian girls though, not just because the exterior looks but alot because of the interior moral and values. By a coincidence i met Yumi, who was a girl from South Korea. We met online but not through a dating page but a language exchange site. We didnt have any interest in eachother on any higher level but we chat on msn abit and not much more. I would often see she put quite depressing status messages on her MSN, so i figured she wasnt doing very well. So i tried to talk to her once what was really wrong. Wasnt easy, she was pretty stubborn but she did loose up and opened up herself. I was probably a good listener and i just wanted her to feel better and for her to get back up from that dark hole she was crawling all deeper down. And i did, but in the process of this, what i heard and she told me affected me greatly, i probably cried more then she when she told me how her brother raped her when she was 12 and she didnt understand what was going on. When her boyfriend she didnt really like very much despite she having said countless times she does not want to get pregnant knocked her up anyway. She was 22 then. How she had to marry him so that hers and hes family could keep face. And how he just left her home with the kid and was out drinking all night long, every single day. She had already decided to commit suicide and if i hadnt showed up when i did and comforted her she would had. She thanked me many times later for saving her life. And thats where love began.
I led her all the way to make the divorce, which is a very difficult thing to do for a Korean girl, not only because of the family problems it creates but not even authorities in Korea are very helpful when it comes to it, quite the opposite. But she did. And in Korea the custody of the child will always go to the father because hes the one who can support financially. Its common that once the wife gives birth, she will no longer work. However, she still had the son all weekends and hollidays. We talked daily for several hours for 1 year. Then she came to visit me for 3 months. She was everything to me, i loved her so unconditionally that i would simply had given my life without hesitation if it meant saving hers. She wanted to move here first but after i went to Korea and met her son i couldnt accept he would be left there. I Wanted kids but she didnt. I accepted that, he was like a son to me i didnt need anything more. Hes affection for me was far greater then to his own father. Always asking about me, if i wasnt there. If i took a shower or a bath he would always too. Which he never would with his real father. He would sleep next to me when he could and was bragging about me to all his friends. He wouldnt even sleep in the same bed as hes real father. I offered i would move there instead, she didnt think i was serious so i had to convince her i was. I would work hard and save every penny for 2 more years then start a small private school to teach kids English where she lived. We didnt marry, none of us felt like it was important. We would do when we lived together and she wanted to do it just the two of us on a beach. No big receptions, no families just us.
Being apart was always challenging but i went there several times a year and she came her. Last time she came the father agreed for her son to come also. He liked it here, and everyday when i was at work he was standing in the window waiting for me to come home, asking when i would, worried i might be in an accident... hehe.. it kinda gets to you, trust me. When they were leaving last time, which is my last memory of them. We were at the airport, i was really feeling like a mess. And she told me not to be sad, it would only be 3 months and she would come back again. But she didnt, and never will.
When she got back to Korea, she had left lots of bills unpayed. I said i will send money, but she wouldnt accept. She could be like that and i knew it was pointless to argue about after awhile. Her landowner had skipped town, he was in deep shit and had debts over his ears. So the property was seized. And were to be sold on auction, she would forfeit most of her investment. Which is close to 45.000us$ I told her she have to come here and we will solve it from here , not after they put her on the street. But she wasnt allowed to leave until everything was settled. Then they cut off her internet due to unpayed bills. I could still call and sms her but that was it. I worked like an idiot , just wanted to get it all over with and go there. Then her cell was turned off. I had nothing to do but work, 16 hours a day, 18 hours a day, sometimes 2 days non stop. Then i hit the wall, hard. Couldnt eat nor sleep, just sit all days and stare in the wall. For presumably 2 weeks i did without being able to reach her. When a friend came by and saw me he burst in tears, and then just drove me straight to emergency. Im happy noone took a picture of me then but he said he had never seen anyone looking so dying but still alive. The doctors told me it was not a minute too late. My liver would had collapsed anytime, and the shape i was in future wouldnt had looked too bright. I started realising, quit my fancy CTO position right off. Was sent home with heaps of pills and had to come back for healthcheck every 3:rd days for 2 weeks.
Think its over? Hehe nono. Accidentally gets bitten in my wrist by a cat. Doesnt sound that serious ? Well it does get when the first doctor prescribes the wrong antibiotics, not once but 4 times in a row. Result being when i finally got an educated doctor the antibiotics i should have gotten from the beginning wouldnt work. And i was prescribed the strongest one available in our country, and its normally only prescribed under very special circumstances. Guess they were effective , they killed everything. I lost 18.5 kilo in 4 weeks didnt matter if i ate. And i can assure that wasnt 18.5 kilo fat, im normally in physical good shape and i have almost no bodyfat at all. I was so weak, that just walking down the stairs out of the building where i live was so exhausting that i had to stop and chip for air. Felt like i was 89 and dying.
Then she just pops up online. Just it isnt her anymore. Shes cold, ignorant. Doesnt answer questions. She used to have long beautiful hair, she cut it all off. She doesnt seem to care very much what happened to me. Shes a completely different person then the one i been with for 4 years ... doesnt take long after that and i find out shes seeing someone else. When i confronted her she wrote me a long email. Saying she had no decensy, that she could never ask for forgiveness for what she had done. That she could never forgive herself. I asked but why? Did i do something? She said she promised she will tell me, but she cant now, and i didnt do anything wrong. Well.. she still havent.
Took quite some time to get over and pretty hard time getting back in shape again. I will never know what happened, i know that now. All i have left is several thousand pictures of us, all my memories. And every single msn log for 4 years. I checked, and it was 44.773 A4 pages.
Sure women are tricky creatures sometimes, instead of spelling things out on their mind they serve it to you as limericks or mysterious quests that you have no clue how to solve. But this one takes the price ...
But quite a lesson learned.. or several. I have had a nice career and more money then i needed , i lost all i had once too and got back up in the game. And then this. But none of these money or materialistic things mean shit if you feel empty inside. I just want to feel happiness again. Then i have all the energy in the world to do whatever i have to. But, sometimes lifes a bitch and then you live.
Im pretty much recovered now both physically and mentally. And havent worked actively for a while. I have received several offers but declined because i know i cant work in such environment or position again, i will just kill myself. So, i was actually going to start a small Consult business and only take rare or special jobs. But now i have the chance to go to China for 6 months, getting a 4 week education in Beijing especially made for teaching in China. And 20 weeks guaranteed work minimum at private school in province of choice. Rest of the time, im free to continue work or just do whatever i want. FTL certified ofcourse.
I always wanted to go to China, had many chances but skipped. Its perhaps a wild thing to just do, but i gather this is the best opportunity for me to do it. And really, im quite fed up and tired of analyzing sophisticated malware and track cybercriminals to Ukraine , Russia or .. ironically China. The 3 of them makes up for 80% of all source. But ive done that for too long.. think i need to do something completely different. I might be considered young still (34) but i dont wanna sit by and let life pass me. But i would be going all alone, and i dont know shit about what do and donts hehe once im there. Sure, im not that easily conned and i can defend myself to some extent. Hehe.. guess im at a crossroad and dont know where to next. I didnt have any plan b. I went all in on plan A. Back to square 1 hehe.
I stumbled upon chnlove by accidentally klicking on an adwords link when i was on Gmail lol. Got curious and regged, got 20+ admirers mail in 2 days , thought hey nice photoshopping but wrote one girl to see what happens coz she had such mezmerizing smile and eyes. But thats another story, and guess it deserves its own thread.
Anyway, for those who actually took the time to read all this. Thank you. any input? what would u had done if in my shoes? Thanks alot in advance
sincerely // Mikael
