Author Topic: In a really bad position - Maybe?  (Read 7280 times)

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Offline RobertBfrom aust

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Re: In a really bad position - Maybe?
« Reply #15 on: October 30, 2010, 04:30:45 am »
Thanks Kiwi303 , now I have it confirmed as to why Sujuan made me a Tiger suit out of a fake fur bed throwover to wear around the house , fun was I wore it into my sporting club 1 night , as I had hidden it in the car prior to us leaving the house , imagine her suprise when I excused myself from our group R & R dancing only to return a few minutes later wearing it , regards Sujuan and Robert .
Lain , look after yourself , all on here have given a similar answer do not get milked for any more money , even moving to near one of our fellow brothers to get settled .
Now it is early to bed and late to rise .
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Offline Jason B

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Re: In a really bad position - Maybe?
« Reply #16 on: October 30, 2010, 07:08:55 am »
Mate, one thing that has not been mentioned how is the moving around going to affect your business? Did you not bring your company to China?  You need some stability and as has been mentioned get rid of the leech that is slowly sucking you dry financially and emotionally or maybe make her an employee and put her on the payroll, no work no pay.
I WILL have my revenge for having to be clean shaven......once I learn how to tame my Dragon.

Offline Hajo

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Re: In a really bad position - Maybe?
« Reply #17 on: October 30, 2010, 08:47:33 am »
Lain, as Maxx says "Live is to short for this". Your relationship has issues that you wont be able to overcome. Even if you can agree on get along. It will be only for a short time as you experienced before.

It isn't worth it. Use the agency to find somebody else. You have deserved better. There is not much else to say. Just get out of it.

I wish you good luck!!   
爱你的人如果没有按你所希望的方式来爱你,那并不代表他们没有全心全意地爱你。
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

Offline Irishman

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Re: In a really bad position - Maybe?
« Reply #18 on: October 30, 2010, 10:36:25 am »
So after giving her an allowance of Y1200 a month, and spending Y1300 for her to booze with her friends and sister, plus gifts, lets say another Y500 to make a nice round Y3000 a month spent on her. Yet with this she's giving you the cold shoulder and simply using you as a breathign source of cash.

Theres a famous saying. "Women like 4 animals, a Mink in the closet, a Jaguar in the garage, a Tiger in the bed, and an Ass to pay for it all."

Methinks you're being played as the Ass. Being cynical, I'd suggest you ditch her, and take your Y3000 a month and go find a honest live-in hooker instead of a dishonest girl. You'll probably get more affection from the hooker!

Lain, read what Kiwi is saying to you. its tongue in cheek of course but he's 100% right.
You feel tied there because you think you have to look after these poor defenceless girls?? ...BS!
Do they not have friends or family?, are you telling me that in China, where family is everything, that you think they would be on the street if you left?

They are adult, you are getting nothing but an empty bank account from this .
China is full of wonderful ladies that will love you for you and not your wallet. Case in point, I told my wife that I want to bring her to the three star Michelin restaurant in Hong Kong next time i was there.
She said that's fine, she will eat noodles from a stall outside while I eat inside as she thinks its a waste of money!!
Become the change you want today, or all your tomorrows will be like yesterday.

Offline auburnkp

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Re: In a really bad position - Maybe?
« Reply #19 on: October 31, 2010, 01:35:32 pm »
Hi Lain,
Your story sound similiar to a gal I met before meeting my wife. She lived in Shenzhen. I thought she was possibly the right girl for me until she started asking me for money. She had a job and was asking me to give her $500 US every month to prove that I was serious about our relationship. It made me suspicious and concerned. I visited her for three weeks and she kept asking ofr money. I even met her family which usually means I've sealed the deal. I was getting frustrated with her because all she talked about was money and she was very selfish. I was 38 at the time and she was 27. I know what others mean when they mentioned about maturity, the younger girls lack it. Several times I threatened to leave. She begged me not to break up with her (knowing her golden goose is leaving). When I was dating my current wife in Chengdu, she never once asked me for money. She always told me what things cost and I was happy to buy things for her. Her friends were always generous in paying for dinner and going out, so I did the same for them. As for the Shenzhen girl, I just picked up my stuff one day and left. I told her she was scamming me. She claimed she wasn't. She even went to the bank and gave me all the money I gave her, which was several thousand rmb. I was lucky to cut my losses and got the hell out of there. As you know, there are so many other girls out there. Don't setttle for anything less and do not compromise your morals or expectations.
Lain, my advise is to move out and find another place for a while. Even if that means staying at hotel. Chalk up the loss of the deposit and anything else as a learning experience. You will be a stronger and wiser person. Keep you head up, you'll be okay!! Best of luck to you.
AuburnKP

Offline Lain

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Re: In a really bad position - Maybe?
« Reply #20 on: November 01, 2010, 01:03:54 am »
Sorry for the lack of updates in the past few days, the building is undergoing some repairs and the internet connections have been intermittent - AT BEST! Which is really starting to make running my business simply another headache that is starting to break me.

But anyway, I spoke with her sister last night for several more hours. She says that since my girlfriend (her sister) and I are breaking up, her boyfriend will not allow her to stay living here...not my problem, could really care less. However the rent is due on the 5th of November and she said that she will not stay here to help me, and obviously my EX girlfriend will also be leaving. Not a big surprise, but why stay here another month in this city where to be honest, I really do not like as much as Zhongshan where I was originally going to live.

So to turn up the heat on the situation and save myself the money and hassles of doing this all alone, I told them I would pack my stuff and move out before the 5th and will NOT be paying rent. I was told by the landlord that she will give me back most of my security deposit so long as I am out by the 5th. .....needless to say, I got to get my act together QUICKLY!!!

Thankfully I do not have a huge amount of stuff to move, 3 large plastic cases with my personal property, my mountain bikes (2) and it looks like I will need to get a box for the new items I have purchased for the apartment...because I will NOT be leaving them with these ladies. I allowed my enthusiasm to blind my better judgment, and now I am paying a hefty cost for it..ya live and learn I guess.  :-\

Originally my plan was to live with her in Xiaolan, near Zhongshan where I visited her several months ago. I had spent allot of time researching the city and know my way around a little bit. Also as mentioned its a safer city....food is so much better too.  I have not felt unsafe here in Shaoguan, but I must admit this city is a dump by comparison. I will require some MAJOR assistance once I arrive in Zhongshan to establish an apartment and get things like the internet hooked up quickly.

My business is all internet based and I simply MUST have a constant connection to earn a living. I am hoping that I can rely on some of the members here to rally to my aide and help me out with these tasks. ...PLEASE!!

My plan is to pack my stuff in the next two days. Get a hotel room at the Fuhua Hotel, same place I stayed when I visited Zhongshan last time so I know my way around (need some familiarity right now) and ship my stuff to the hotel. I will take the high speed rail to Guangzhou , then jump on a bus to Zhongshan and arrive at my hotel room. I will need to immediately setup my computer systems to operate my business .....then maybe get a good meal, a stiff drink (or two) and if I am feeling so ambitious.... I have some SERIOUS pent up needs right now...30 days in an apartment with 2 really beautiful woman and no sex is so much more difficult than I could have ever imagined  ::)

Gentleman, I know I have not contributed much here, sought more advice than I gave...but I really need some help. If anyone is in Zhongshan that is willing to help me secure a new apartment, register with the police and help me get re-established I would forever be in your debt. Right now my life is is a mess, my business is almost impossible to operate due to the internet problems and my bank account is heading towards the unsafe zone. If anyone can lend a hand, drop me a personal message I will give my phone number and QQ number. ...really need some help out of this mess I have got myself into and since I have virtually NO Chinese skills, its really hard for me to get all these things done so quickly.

Offline Willy The Londoner

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Re: In a really bad position - Maybe?
« Reply #21 on: November 01, 2010, 01:29:01 am »
Well lain.  No one has more experience with the PSB in Zhongshan than me!   I spent a great deal of time there. So much so they are thinking of naming a plastic seat after me!

Seriously get to Zhongshan. There is an apartment for rent on the opposite side of road to me.  Maybe suitable for you.   But can find you somewhere else if you prefer.
 
Get to the hotel you use.  You can always use my internet until you have your own fitted.  I have a spare line from 9am to 6pm you can use.  cost about 8 rmb from the hotel to my place. 10 if you use the private hire cars

Once you get apartment sorted you can have fast internet fitted in a short while.  about 1200 rmb for the yaer.

So if you are pushed then call me.  I will send number by pm.

Willy
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Offline Lain

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Re: In a really bad position - Maybe?
« Reply #22 on: November 01, 2010, 02:39:43 am »
Willy
Thanks, I am in your debt for any help you can provide me with getting a place established. I will check out the apartment you say is close, might be best to locate close to another English speaking person?

As for the internet..well my company uses a VOIP phone system, I MUST have a high speed connection or it will not function and I will not get any of my business calls. The internet connection problem here has already cost me more in lost sales than I care to talk about, it is very frustrating. I will stay at the hotel until such time as the high speed services are installed at whatever apartment I find.

Sadly, I just purchased a year from China Telecom here in Shaoguan....think they will let me transfer the services? Or at least extend me a refund here for un-used services? My ex-girlfriends sister says she does not think they will, but I would like to know for sure before I pay again for something I already purchased. I have kept all my receipts since I arrived here.

The other hotel you mentioned does appear to be a little less expensive, not a huge amount but every bit helps.

Today I am recovering from a serious hangover, and am working on my plans to make this move. Sadly its now 2:30 in the day, and my ex-girlfriend is still asleep as if she has all the time in the world to pack her stuff and leave as well. Maybe she thinks she will wake up today and talk me into staying with her another month so she can get another month of free room and board?.....NOT!

Anyway, got lots of stuff to do today, calls to make and research to do...I will drop in later for any updates....if the internet connection still works?

Offline Jimmy

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Re: In a really bad position - Maybe?
« Reply #23 on: November 01, 2010, 03:06:14 am »
I don't know her but have read some of these girls will take all the money they can get from a guy. And put it in the bank. So when the guy does leave they have a good bankroll.
Sounds like you have shelled out a ton. Has she been spending it all?  If she trys to get you to stay, and offers to give you some money back. Take it and leave anyway. It's Karma she deserves it.
Jimmy Henson

Offline Lain

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Re: In a really bad position - Maybe?
« Reply #24 on: November 01, 2010, 05:55:56 pm »
I don't know her but have read some of these girls will take all the money they can get from a guy. And put it in the bank. So when the guy does leave they have a good bankroll.
Sounds like you have shelled out a ton. Has she been spending it all?  If she trys to get you to stay, and offers to give you some money back. Take it and leave anyway. It's Karma she deserves it.

Actually most of the money I have spent was simply establishing an apartment, moving her stuff and some required home furnishings. I have given her about 2500 RMB in money directly, not a huge some of money....but I have paid for virtually everything else as well including dinners and nights out. Her sister has paid for some of the food for the home, but nothing to help get that apartment....all in all I have added it up to about 12,000 RMB

Now I will be getting 3400 back on the deposit and that is about it. I am not "broke" from this, much of the items I purchased I will be keeping and need anyway. My problem is that she simply saw me as her meal ticket and was so lazy that it amazed me. I mean sometimes she would do something around the house, but usually only after her sister made her do it. She is mostly just too young and selfish for a real relationship. Plus she has a SERIOUS problem with making any commitments to do ANYTHING!, She says that if she feels "obligated" than she will not do it, she will do things because wants to do them....makes it real hard to have a sincere relationship when she gets upset and does not want to do anything.

Today we finally spoke to each other (translation tools) for several  hours as we have not talked to each directly for several days. It seems that most of the problems we have are similar and even though we are still going to break up, we have chosen to at least remain friends. We are both going to move back to Xiaolan where she used to live and I was going to live originally, but we will not live together and we will not be dating.

Many of our problems have occurred because, point blank....Shaoguan sucks!! She hates it here, I hate it here Her sister is nice to me, but I guess she treats her like crap...I don't speak Chinese, so when they talk I have no clue...but my ex is a very stubborn, selfish and independent young lady and she despises her older sister bossing her around. My frustrations are that the internet here is so bad that it is really having an impact on my business...hence, my income so I have started to cutback on my lifestyle. She assumed that I was a free spender in the beginning to get on her good side, then she assumed that as I cut back on my lifestyle it was because the relationship was not advancing fast enough...if ya get my drift. She felt that I was "buying" her dignity...and she did not want to be obligated to me for money so she started to ignore me which only made the situation worse....especially when I sort of lost my cool and told her that in relationship both people are obligated to each other for many things and if was going to pay for everything, she has an obligation to at very least help around the house and help me to learn this "Culture Thing" that has become the flash-point of so many of her complaints about me. She stayed in bed all day because she was super depressed that she had no friends there and could not help me with almost anything that her sister was doing for me...she felt useless...and so she played the roll.

We will now simply be friends, she has offered to help me with getting my life re-established there and she understands that she will receive no money from me for any help she gives....maybe I will take her out to eat once and awhile, after all China is a "food culture" but she now understands that I am not her banker or her caretaker anymore. She says that she feels bad about what has taken place, but still wont accept responsibility for anything and still thinks that I am mostly to blame because I do not understand her culture....if I hear that excuse one more time I will slit my wrist...I think she uses this excuse to make me feel bad so can control my actions....I mean hey, what guy wants to be offensive to his girl??....but it gets old, especially when it appears to me that every part of this culture that I do not understand involves money. ???

...long story short, we both have "trust" and "money" issues. It has not been bad everyday, sometimes she was a caring lady and I have had some good times here...but there are serious issues with her that I am almost certain cannot be reconciled...but I will accept her offer to be friends if she is willing to help me out. But its over unless she can prove to me that the past 30 days was simply a huge misunderstanding....unlikely!!

Either way I am heading back to where I wanted to be from the start, and I will chalk up the past 30 days to a seriously frustrating live test run of what to expect when living and dating in China....may the next 30 days go much smoother...and at least now I will not have to go so far to renew my visa every 60 days.

Offline David E

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Re: In a really bad position - Maybe?
« Reply #25 on: November 01, 2010, 06:53:57 pm »
Lain

It is heartning to see that you have now taken firm control of the situation....it's all downhill from here !!!!

Two issues that I feel are worthy of comment......

Firstly...why is it necessary or prudent to remain friends with this woman who has put you through hell for 30 odd days ???
It would seem that any friendship from her will be highly conditional and it will keep re-opening old wounds...cut it and move on !!

Secondly..I dont think it is good for you to feel that what you went through is typical or representative of a relationship with a
Chinese woman...dont let this experience poison you for the future. Almost all Chinese women are not like this...quite the opposite in fact.
So you can look forward to something MUCH better in the future...with confidence

Good luck...David

Offline Irishman

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Re: In a really bad position - Maybe?
« Reply #26 on: November 01, 2010, 07:49:02 pm »
Lain,

I think staying with this woman is a mistake. You need to cut her loose and make a clean start.
You know you can never be more than "friends" with her, so why prolong it?, do you think a future girlfriend/wife will be happy that you bring your beautiful ex out to dinner in nice restaurants? Think about it, this is a bad idea. You are just prolonging the pain in my opinion.
Become the change you want today, or all your tomorrows will be like yesterday.

Offline shaun

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Re: In a really bad position - Maybe?
« Reply #27 on: November 01, 2010, 08:29:30 pm »
Lain,

You are really getting good advice here.  I don't want to be rude buy maybe this time you should follow it. I seem to remember that several men here told you that dating such a young woman would be difficult and there would be major problems.

She is trying to keep you in her hip pocket for the future.  She is still looking at the cash cow, not saying you are a cow.  Maybe living across the street from Willy is the best option right now and focusing on your business.  The women will be there once you get the financial resolved.  Willy is also good at spotting issues so he would be a good ally to have.

Hope you aren't offended but I thought it needed to be said.

Shaun

Offline Willy The Londoner

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Re: In a really bad position - Maybe?
« Reply #28 on: November 01, 2010, 09:49:12 pm »
I have high speed internet here and have no problems running my businesses from here and collecting the money.   When I moved here from Zhuhai last year I was not able to transfer my internet so had to renew it here.  Cost 1200 a year here. But it is high speed and when my stepson is here we have two comps running no problem.  Just renewed it for another year last week.  With China Telecom.  They fitted it in three days when I originally applied.

As for renewing visa then no point in travelling to Hong Kong unless you want to particularly go.  The ferry costs 260 each way and the taxi to the ferry port cost about 80 each way thats 680.  Just jump on a bus from Zhongshan to Zhuhai 28 rmb each way and a taxi from bus station to Macau port terminal, 10 rmb and walk through immigration into Macau. Have a coffee or a drink and walk back and reverse the journey.   76 rmb and another 60 days, or whatever.  Very easy process.

I have another friend who speaks very good English if you get into any problems.   David Es right cut dry from her. She only probably said to rem,ain friends to ease the parting anyway. 

Willy

 
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Offline Lain

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Re: In a really bad position - Maybe?
« Reply #29 on: November 02, 2010, 03:17:21 am »
Well after 2 weeks of complaining to the internet service company, a tech arrived late yesterday to repair it...just in time for me to leave... ???
The issue with internet service in this city has been a drain on my mental capacity...My ex-girlfriend called 4 times to ask when it would be fixed over the past 2 weeks...the reply was "when the service tech gets there".....I simply must get used to a simplistic manner of thinking, or try to phrase my questions better...either way there are still issues with my VOIP phone, hopefully when I move back to a modern city these issues will resolve?...I have been told that my connection is 2 megs....but several bandwidth tests suggest only about 1.3 at best....my phone needs at least 2 megs, preferably 4 for a clear line without echo or static. I had 15 megs back in the states...guess I was spoiled. :)

anyway....So again we spoke again for some time about everything and the more I think about it the more  have concluded that I do need to make a break from her in the sense that I am giving serious consideration to that I will move to Zhongshan, which is still close enough that if she wants to be friends with me..or as suggested she will have to make an effort to come see me, or I go see her...I am still undecided, but think it best like everyone is saying... the problem is that when I was here to visit last time, I preferred Xiaolan as its a smaller city, much less traffic and noise.

On the flip side, Zhongshan will present many more chances for me to meet a real woman and has all the things I need to work and live well. Also its more likely that I will be able to locate a school or private tutor to start learning Mandarin. The school I was going to attend in Guangzhou is too far to travel from Zhongshan and Guangzhou is not where I want to live.

I know most of the members that read my posts are only reading about my complaints...that is what I have currently to cope with. But understand that while she does have several personality flaws (myself included) she is not all that bad of a person....she is simply not mature enough to understand many, if not most of the things that trouble me....especially the fear to commit to anything. She did invest over a year talking to me in letters, she is not looking for a plane ticket to leave the country, and she does have good morals....she NEVER tried to use any sexual moves to motivate me for anything.....sadly, those would have worked on me, for sure I would be bankrupt now if our relationship was physical. But actually she is conservative especially for a younger girl....she has a good heart, she is a decent lady (with issues) and I have never been one to burn bridges.

I would also like to mention that I am not without my flaws as well, and she has been very understanding. Many times I have placed my entire foot in my mouth, accused her of things that were either translation errors or actual cultural differences. I know many of the things I have said to her were rude, maybe even hurtful...but she always forgave me and rarely would ever mention it again....unlike an American woman who will FOREVER bash you for these mistakes.

I will be forced to make a choice today or tomorrow at the latest as to where I live. I have to give consideration to a larger picture and think carefully about my next few steps. Today I plan to have another conversation with her sister, she is more upfront with answering direct questions....its hard for me understand this "face" thing right now where I ask a very direct question, with explicit instructions that I want a very direct reply even if if will be rude and all I get are replies that side step the question being asked....this will require me to demonstrate much, much more patience and improve my "listening" skills. I am a direct talker, even for an American I will often times be pretty direct about how I feel and this is another reason she is not pleased with me....understandably. :-\

Today I am packing and planning with lots of things on my mind....this was not what I wanted, and I truly believe that the choice to come to Shaoguan created so many problems, that our relationship was never truly given a chance to work before the stress of everything ripped us apart. Sadly over the past few days we have been able to talk better than at any time since I arrived, she is open to me, stays calm when I ask her to clarify things that do not translate well and she even cooked me a really nice dinner last night. She still does not want to date anymore so I do not think she is trying to work her way back into my life...I think she is now finally allowing her true nature to come out now that there is no more stress on us, and she knows that she is moving back to where she is comfortable and has a network of friends. This is why I am torn about where to live.

I told her point blank that if were friends I will date other woman if I meet somebody, and she understood but still said it will not stop us from being friends....Like I said, I hate to burn bridges....undecided  :-\