my love story

[john1964]

One child laws ,???  my wife has a brother,, he has three children,,,, my wife has two children..

[Neil]

my wife has 4 older brothers and an older sister - some of them have 2 children.  There are exceptions to the one child policy, but I think they are a lot stricter in the bigger cities. 

[Willy The Londoner]

Lotsa of family now are growing up and having a couple of kids at least. The one child law still exists but frankly it is not rigouriously enforced now.

I know many women who hide their children when the officials do the rounds.  I am told that when it is time for kids to go to school a few rmb paves the way for childrens records to start from then.

Also an exception to the one child rule is that an only child who marries another only child is permitted to have two children.

Of course in the rural communitiues there are no such regularions as new workers are needed to work the fields and older children can do this.

Some kids do get shoffled around from Province to Province for school, depending on where Grandparents are,  often growing up apart from their parents.

Willy

[john1964]

Hi guys and girls,,, Last night was a sleepless night for me,  MinYing and I had our usual nightly QQ chat , The conversation was good and as always  my children come to say hello to her, She is so happy to see them every time when we are on-line,  After an hour or so the subject turned to sex, This is not a subject that my wife and i talk about too often as she is very shy and withdrawn about this subject,  It turns out that i am her second sexual partner, I could see a change in her as we continued this conversation , She finally opened up and told me that she never enjoyed sex with her ex-husband,
We talked a little more and then i could see the tears well in her eyes,  It turns out that this BASTARD constantly RAPED her for years, No matter how much she protested or tried to fight him off he would have his way with her, She would cry un-controllably afterwards but he would sleep with a clear concence , She stayed in the relationship for fear of her life and her sons, He would not only RAPE her but beat her too, It was only back in June this year that i noticed she had about Eight false teeth, I questioned her about this and she told me that her ex-husband punched her in the face and knocked them all out ,  After so many years of abuse she finally left him as she had enough and really was not worried if she lived or died.

After the divorce back in early 2009, she never saw him again , She has to see her sons rather covertly as he will not allow her to do so, It is breaking her heart to have limited access to them .
What can i do,?? I hope for his sake i never see him, My hatred for him is so strong, If i see him I will take his life, I must be strong otherwise i will spend the rest of my life in a Chinese prison. JOHN.

[shaun]

John, I know exactly how you feel.  And I mean exactly.   A wise man once told me that mercy was a greater punishment than justice.  Also, your mission in life is to show your wife what a real man is like.

I hope you understand the significance of what happened with that conversation.  What has happened to her isn't the significant issue here.  The fact that she was brave enough to open up and tell you is.  The key issue isn't what he did, it is how she feels.  That should be the only thing you focus on; her.  In this situation you should sympathize with her; be a comfort to her; be supportive of her; and do things for her to show her that you find great value in her regardless of what has happened.  I know you already know much of what I have said to you but you need to know that this will, more than likely, come up again.

John the fact that she shared this with you tells me that she places great trust in you.  For that one simple fact I say good job.

Shaun

[Pineau]

Damn John.
please don't go there. Don't even think about it. You will destroy your life as well as hers. You two are so happy together.

I could give you a long lecture about hatred and forgiveness and moving on but I think you already know I am right. What's done is done to dwell on it will make you sick physically and mentally.

The best thing you can do now is to take her away and comfort her. Try to help her heal and forget. Look forward not back. So just let it go and enjoy your new life together.

[Arnold]

I totally agree with Shaun and Gerry , let it go . I've had to deal with this Ex-Bastard thing with my first marriage .. but I could and wouldn't do that to her kids sake . So I sucked it up .
For her to open up to you and tell you this is really showing how much she loves you , as Qing has just last week had done .. tell me about the Abortion she had had way back in the Tokyo day's . Her Mom and Dad don't even know about that one .
You need to love and cherish you Wife and build the Life both of you Dreamed of having someday , you have it in your HAnd now , so don't F*** it up .

[john1964]

Thanks guys, I appreciate your input and will not do anything stupid,
My mission now is to show my wife how much she is loved and appreciated,
Tonight i told my two daughters about my findings and they both feel the same way that i do.
MinYing told me this in the greatest of confidences but i felt that i had to share it with some-body, You guys, Even though we have never met, are a great influence on my relationship and i will take any advice from you ALL , MinYing and myself have just finished our nightly conversation and she tells me that she will forget about her past and we will enjoy the rest of our years together, It did not take long for the laughter to to become constant and i think she felt better to get this off her chest , I too feel a little better now knowing that she opened up to me, but there is no way that i will ever forget or forgive this BASTARD for what he has done to this wonderful woman .
Tonight MinYing told me that she had never known that sex could be so pleasurable and comfortable until now, All i can do now is satisfy this beautiful woman's needs, weather it be sexual, emotional or any other way that i can,
All i know is that it will be a long road to travel but i ,,And my wonderful bride will be strong and come out on top of this .   THANKS GUYS.

[lfputman3]

One child laws ,???  my wife has a brother,, he has three children,,,, my wife has two children..

As it was explained to me by a few people and I later looked it up to verify. the one child law was written primarily for Han, and in urban areas, especially in the 80s it was enforced. Her grandparents, all Han, therefore parents, Han, herself, Han. She, as you can tell from the picture, has the prized Han skin tone. Her parents also both went to University. After she was born, her father split the scene because he wasn't having anything to do with raising a daughter. Although her paternal grandparents were a part of her daily life before they kicked. Her living grandparent, who apparently know wants me to marry her granddaughter (this woman is confusing by the way) is a very proud Han, traditional patriarchal Chinese grandmother who has for the most of Yuan's life had no use for her daughter's mistake of having a daughter. Grandma is also very close friends with the little witch I first traveled to China to meet. As stated before not all bad, it's her fault that Yuan and I met.

Yuan's mama did remarry when Yuan was a child. However, from all accounts, he was nice up to the day they married. The filed for divorce around the time Yuan and I met. I am not stepping into that mess. Mama never had another child and the reason stated is because she is Han and had a child.

Thus, I made the comment about 'One Child'. I know many guys here do not see any part of the influence in their ladies families, but remember the law was first proposed in 1975 and came into effect in 1976 with modifications over the years. However I have read and been told by several sources that it is still enforced on educated, city dwelling Han, but I also noticed and asked how it is that some of the children born under this policy are starting to buck the system and have more than one kid. The answer was the local officials have not acted is all.

Lloyd

[lfputman3]

BTW John,

Be ready, as the others have said, she will open up again and it is going to be hard for you to cope. Just be there for her, that is the best thing you can do. Hands down. Yeah, he's trash, but don't worry, one day those boys are gonna start visiting the two of you in Australia and see the difference first hand in how their mama get treated by a real man. It's going to have a profound impact on them, it is really going to have a strong impact on how they deal with their father. Pretty much, he's going to be miserable, because in most cases, the boys will slowly cut him off from their lives.

Lloyd

[David E]

John

My wife was also constantly abused...sexually and physically by the "pond dweller" she married. It all came out during one of my visits when she felt safe enough about us to talk it through with me. Like the rest of the guys say here...the fact that she feels safe enough (emotionally) with your relationship, to talk about her horrible experiences is a wonderful accolade for you.

It has always given me much comfort and pleasure to prove to Ming that there are good guys in the World and believe me...once any wife feels that emotional safety...it is a wonderful place to be 

By all means...continue to hate the bastard (as I hate my wife's ex-)....but revenge is a dish best eaten cold !!!!

Somewhere, somehow the various bastards will get their lumps...life's like that. You can rob him of the love of a good woman, something he will never know.....and he is the loser

Cheers   David

[Jason B]

John, remember, but do not dwell on this or let it affect you relationship with your wife.  Let her see by your actions and words that not all men in the world are like this.  And I do not mean just Chinese men, this is a very sad trait that happens in all cultures by scum sucking men who need to have power over the vunerable to feel like a man due to their own failings.

[john1964]

Again i thank you ALL for your input to this situation , My wife and i are both willing to put this behind us and enjoy the rest of our lives together and not let this ruin our relationship.
Today our spirits have been lifted with news from Shanghai, I have just spoken to our case officer in Shanghai and she is aware that i will be taking my fourth trip very soon, She asked me if i would travel to Shanghai for MinYing,s interview,, What could i say but yes, She sounds very nice and we had a few laughs and she is willing for us to make our own time and date when it suits us, I have just let MinYing know on QQ and she is so excited that we are one step closer, I have had a constant smile on my face for the last hour or so whilst i have been trying to write this post, I keep getting constantly harassed by MinYing on  QQ from her mobile phone whilst she is supposed to be working but the excitement is too much for her and she can not concentrate with her work  , Just little messages like i love you and little icons of love hearts and penguins dancing but they all make my day brighter, Well guys and girls, must close now as i have to go back to work,, Again,,Thank you all for your input ,,MinYing and John .

[Willy The Londoner]

You have to put it all behind you John.

My wife suffered at the hands of her ex husband and she has the scars to prove it.  At just 95 lbs she was not able to fight him off.  Not only that when she was pregnant with thirds child he went and formed a rfelationship with a younger women.

As a result within months of the birth the baby and two other children (oldest was 10 at time) were all taken from her and she was caste out of the house.  !4 years later I came along and she transformed my batchelor life and I hope I have done the same for her.

There are many things that I would want to do to her ex but in the back of my mind is that there are not many long jail sentences given for murder here. Just a couple of months in jail, (if your lucky) then the last 'goobye world'. 

I would never hurt her and by doing something in anger then both  she and I would lose what we have found together.

Willy

[Scottish_Robbie]

You have to put it all behind you John.

........I would never hurt her and by doing something in anger then both  she and I would lose what we have found together.

wise words