my love story

[maxx]

Face to face contact is more important than any other previous contact.Willy Well put.I think this needs to be one of the rules. It's short and to the point.

[JohnB]

I think it best to let this thing shake itself into whatever, within the next 2 weeks John has mentioned. He has to let evolve his 'comfort' zone with MinYing to understand the nature of this dilemma of his. 
The thread got a little weird. Militancy be damned when all John is trying to do the moment is fathom what the f*ck went wrong. We all witness the surface tensions, but we need to discover the actual underpinnings of John's problem before any constructive correction action is considered.
While I agree that the 'face to face' contact is a must (necessary chemistry. He/ She as in now We), communication is next of importance. Martin, Willy Maxx & others have attested to that.  There are not any fixes to any problems of the human relationship kind if communication is faulted. Failure will be imminent.

Jing & I were married on 'short' notice (See above^ 'necessary chemistry'). The thing is we are still having our personal discoveries of the other. We suffered a few pitfalls, but communication is good. We work our problems as they present. Things are better for us.
Now, my 1st wife & I, we knew each other/ lived together, for a bit over 4 years. She somehow managed to sequester her farts that pre- marriage period of time (most likely, 'Beano'). I did not suffer the whole time. After we married, it was not long before she stunk up the bathrooms. How was I suppose to know? I thought I knew everything 1st wife. 4 years?

Hey, 5- Trout. Are you going to China in camouflage?

DavidE, all knowledge good but conflicted depending on who is selling what. I present you with a truism. The 'less needy' spouse is the stronger of the two. 

[fivetrout]

JohnB...do you mean by camouflage, under the radar, no fanfare...quietly? I guess yes. I've absorbed a lot here and think I'm ready without too many questions. At present, downloading Jibbigo two-way voice translation I can use off-line. It seems my company phone is locked and therefor google voice translate it not an option.

[john1964]

Now things seem to be back to normal, Im getting many messages on QQ every day saying how she is missing me, Even the video calls"papa takes the phone from her and wants to talk to me", love her family so much , she seems to be happy now, no-more bad ,messages, I will still give it time and if she reverts to the way she was before she left then I will cancel her return trip and let her stew, I dont think i am a bad husband, I work, pay the bills, we go out whenever I am not working and see different things, go for breakfast often, Dinner occasionally , I cook often and do the washing and housework, what else does a woman want , I am so different from the normal "Chinese man", I respect her always and comment on the way she looks and dresses every time we go out together, "she always looks good".
I will wait a few days and then have a good conversation with her on QQ and find-out what she now expects of me and my financial commitment to her and her family, I can only give what i can afford and and if i think it is unreasonable then i will not give anything, I have to support myself/her and my son here, I have too look-after my own first, if she dont like it, BAD LUCK, that's the way its going to be, save face in front of her friends or not, i have to "and am willing", to adapt to her cultural beliefs and she should do the same.
Apart form this latest outburst, she is a wonderful woman, loving and caring, good company and my best friend, I dont want to loose her but I am not willing to give in to the emotional blackmail, My line in the sand is drawn, if she is willing to cross it, then things will not pan-out the way she wants them, I will not stand for any-more shit, John.

[David E]

DavidE, all knowledge good but conflicted depending on who is selling what. I present you with a truism. The 'less needy' spouse is the stronger of the two.

Undoubtably correct.....

It is immesurably healthier (emotionally) to be in a relationship based on "want to be"...rather than one where "need to be" prevails.

"Needy" can lead to a parasitic relationship, can lead to issues of validation, self-worth and such dark places    If you are where you want to be............simply because you want to be there, then you got the best of all Worlds.

[john1964]

MinYing has been home for 2 weeks now, It was a happy reunion at Perth airport, I expected a look of dis-approval but she was happy to see me, {I WAS HAPPY TOO}, She told me that she wants a husband and not a work-aholic, I can appreciate this, I explained to her that the last 4 months of the year were always busy for me and I have no choice but to work 7 days a week, I will take the occasional Sunday off but not too many.
Her affection has changed for the better and she shows this every day, Every day i come home and she greets me at the door, asks me if i am hungry and cooks whether i am hungry or not, She brought me gifts from Beijing, a few Chinese pens, which i like very much and she snuck 6 bottles or Chinese whiskey in her case and did not declare it at the airport  .
She also brought a few new dresses, which she looks stunning in,
She has landed a new job locally and started today, I know she is not happy to be a "house wife", and stay at home always, i cant stay home myself, it drives me crazy.
She had a great time with the family and her father asked why she came alone and not with me, I get on great with the family, I only wish i could have gone with her, I do miss the hospitality of these wonderful people, maybe early next year we will go to visit again.
Anyway, it all looks rosy  now and i hope it stays this way, I know that i have a few things to learn myself about the different culture and have to stop being "the boss" and just accept that she is an individual and i must compromise, I want this relationship to be my last, I can be pig-headed often but must change my attitude, I dont want to loose her.
 

[yvictor]

That's excellent news, John - from your previous posts I was worried you have a big crisis ahead of you, but it's good it turns out to be nothing to worry about.

[john1964]

so long between posting, this site and my wife have changed so mch, im asking for HELP,

[Philip]

What's happening, John?

[David E]

so long between posting, this site and my wife have changed so mch, im asking for HELP,

John

If I or Ming can be of any help to you...you just gotta ask. Ming and I have weathered a few storms along the way, and somehow stumbled through it all.

[john1964]

its not all been a bed of roses as you know from my previous posts, now she has her PR, and recently a drivers licence, she went in to partnership in a shop with her Chinese friend without first consulting me, she works 7 days a week and i see her for maybe 1 hour each day, she is so secretive with everything she does, she brought the shop back in late December so it is now 3 months since we spent some time together, I cant have friends, im not allowed to talk to anyone, if a message comes to my phone she is looking over my shoulder to see who it is from, if i get a phone call she demands that she knows who i am talking to whilst im on the phone, if she gets a call, which is every minute it seems she goes outside and talks for 20--30 minutes at a time, it seems that there are 2 sets of rules.
When she lived in China i brought her a TV, which she gave away, I brought her an English-Chinese translator 5,500 RMB which she gave away, I brought her a laptop, which she gave away, now she complains her friends  husbands buy them what they want and why i dont do the same !!!!, i also brought her an I pad which she complained it was too small, i cant win....
She knew of my dream to become an English teacher before we was married, now she tells me that she has no intention of returning to China with me for my job, I kept all of the emails that were sent between us and and showed her the ones where i stated my intentions, she now denies writing any of these ones.
Around 4 months ago, my kids came over for dinner as they usually do on a Thursday night, She poured herself a glass of red wine and i knew it was going to be a fun night as she cant hold her liquor, I was watching TV with the kids and she sent me a text message, from 8 feet away, i left it fo a few minutes then reached for my phone to see what she wrote, it was then that she sprung from her seat and grabbed the phone and accused me of getting a message from a girlfriend , she threw the phone at the wall and destroyed it, bye bye Iphone 5, then threw a glass against the wall.... then she proceeded to pour another glass of wine which i quickly took away from her, I sat at the kitchen table with my daughter and future son-in-law when she came to me and put her hands around my throat and squeezed as hard as she could and said she wanted me dead, i just stared at her and did nothing, she was subdued by my son-in-law, my daughter freaked out, Minying then went to bed, my daughter got every knife, fork and any other weapon she could find and locked them in the car as fear of her killing me in my sleep, next day she acted as nothing happened.
Im really at my wits end, i don't know what to do about her, i need help.

[fivetrout]

WHOA! This woman is angry, very angry! This goes beyond marriage counseling. Sorry to hear.

[Willy The Londoner]

John

You had a lot of mixed advice 18 months ago.  That was when you were working long hours. Now the boot is on the other foot.

Personally I doubt that she went into this new business with the intention of you being able to cut down on your working hours or to give you both a better standard of living.

The only other alternative was to give her something to do which again I doubt.

To me it does sound more like a woman who is striving towards complete independence! 

You had some advice back in 2013 maybe it is time to consider it now.

Plus now it looks like she could, at some time, cause you really serious harm.   You do not have to live with that threat hanging over you. 

To me I would think that a broken heart is far more repairable than one with a knife in it.

She performed this latest outburst in front of your family which will give you good grounds for a divorce.

The best thing I ever did was move to China in 2009.    

Consider coming here to teach but DO NOT make any on-line commitments before you get here.  Get yourself a real 'courting' experience this time. Find out what the woman is really like.

Willy

[Philip]

John, this is classic abuser behaviour, like when husbands get drunk, beat up their wives, then pretend like nothing's happened the next day.  Last time around, you wanted to draw a line in the sand. She has crossed it and then some. Are you going to keep drawing lines or are you going to say that's enough (and mean it)? If it is finished (and for your health, sanity, family and bank balance, it SHOULD be finished), calmly and carefully plan an exit strategy to get rid of her. Don't consult with her, negotiate, plead or deal. Just let her know what will happen when you have got everything planned and ready. She does not deserve any comeback.
Hopefully this latest bout of psycho behaviour has convinced you that she has dangerous tendencies. Even if you still love her, she is abusing your good nature. It can only end badly if she stays; it can only get worse, and not just for you, for the rest of your family.
Sorry you have had to go through this experience. Keep strong and better luck next time!

[kenny]

Willy and Philip gave good advise, I think it would be very hard to divorce a woman after all we have gone through getting them into our country and lives but you have no choice. Your daughter will never be able to accept her as a part of the family after seeing something like that.

I have always taught my sons that you dont ever put your hands on a woman in anger, but by god that is a two way street. The fact that she did this in front of your kids is unbeliveable. Give her the independence she wants so bad and move on. You deserve much better than this!