Jealousy and Chinese women

[djal]

Hi folks,

This is the first time I post here.  I met a very nice Chinese lady on chnlove.com and we had a relationship for 18 months.   After a while I began to realise she had very little control on her temper and also that she was becoming very jealous.  Unfortunately,  I decided to end the relationship because of this.  I would like some feed back from experienced members here.  IS JEALOUSY SOMETHING QUITE COMMON AMONG CHINESE WOMEN?

Here is an  example:   I am an health care practitioner and one day I saw in my clinic a young Chinese girl who has been  adopted by Canadian parents.  She was originally coming from a city situated  in the same province where my girlfriend lived.  I was kind of happy and excited to tell that to her ...  Immediately, I could sense how displeased she was from  hearing my story.  She really didn't want to get any more information about that young adopted Chinese girl and thought  I seemed quite interested by that teenager ...   She also told me later that all Chinese women forbid their husband to have any type of conversations with other women...     On many other occasions,  she became very angry at me as a result of  jealousy...

[David E]

djal

There are probably many different explanations for this type of "jealous" type behaviour, and I dont pretend to know them all. But I will tell you how it has emerged in my own relationship with my Chinese wife.

During the course of our relationship (15 months so far) she often queried me on the attitudes of Western men to their wives.......do Western men take their wives with them when they go out to dinner with friends ? Do Western men have mistresses ?, do Western men like to look at other women ?......and all that sort of stuff !!!

In exploring this subject with her, I got to understand that there are many Chinese Men who treat their wife as the household slave and not much else !!! So many Chinese women have a very strongly developed insecurity about Men in general, and about relationships as they know them.

My take on this "jealous" type of behaviour is that it is more based on this insecurity than pure jealousy. My wife was a victim of this Male behavour, with a drunk, abusive husband who gambled all their money, physically abused her...and when all the money ran out, he divorced her and took their Son with him and wont let her have contact with her son. During the course of her previous marriage, the husband had many "girlfriends" and at least one mistress that he provided an apartment for (only one that she knew about anyway !!!!)

Can you imagine what this does to a woman !!!!!...it is seriously inhuman.

The only response many of these women have is to try to control the relationship and do all they can to stop their "Man" having contact with any other women.......remove temptation so to speak. It is a bit naieve I know, but that is their only way out of the problem. Sometimes it comes across as possessive , controlling or Jealousy. But I now know, once they believe that a Man is not going to do these bad things, it all goes away and peace prevails !!!

I am sure other Bros here have different views on this subject...but that's how I see it.

[Arnold]

Djal , first welcome to the Forum .

To you question .. if Chinese Women are jealous , that falls into many catagories . How young is she ? How westernized is she ? To bring this up after 18 months of communicating would be a shock to me also . So I strongly suspect she's young 20-25 to be that jealous . ( Sounds like a Latin Woman )
If the Woman was married before and over thirty , this would be very surprising to see .. as their Culture has most Men looking for younger Blood when they reach that age ( with exceptions of course ) . My Wife does not have one bone of jealousy in her Body and she's 42 ( sec. marriage ) .
Where is she from ? You give us a little info , we might help you in more detail here .

[djal]

Hi Arnold,

My GF  came from the province of Jiangxi.  She was 46 and has been married twice.  First time her husband left her bc she gave birth to a girl.  Second marriage,  her husband was abusive and also a cheater...  She still has a big scar above her chest from a cigarette burn inflicted by her second husband.  As far as being Westernized,  it was close to nil!!!  I had the chance to visit China 5 times and the deeper you go inland the more cut off people are from the western world.  I've tried so often to explain to her that if a western man talks to a woman,  99.5% of the time it is just to socialise with her and not to seduce that woman.  But I found it was in vain...  This is when I began to realise it would be impossible to change her way of thinking and it was time to say goodbye.  What i find sad is that my ex wife was cheating on me and I am a very faithful man.  Still my Chinese GF seemed insecured and could probably not have complete trust in me.

In Ganzhou (her hometown in Jiangxi),  i saw one day a women being beatten on the street by her husband and nobody passing by payed attention!!  I really felt I was going back in time 100 years in our Western world ...  when a man was the lord and master at home and could punish his wife as he wished!  I did read that abuse, violence and infidelity in a marriage is very common in China.  Perhaps this explained her way of thinking.  It makes me so sad when I think about this...  just because this is NOT AT ALL MY NATURE!

[maxx]

Djal what David E is telling you.Is real close to right.Most of these ladies.Have had abusive relationships in the past.So they do have some trust issues.I could tell you some of the horror stories.I have heard.But I would still be typing.The same time tomorrow.

The jealousy issues and the trust issues do fade away.But it does take some time.And some honest work on your part.I do think your lady took this example to the extreme.So thiere is some real jealousy issues going on.If you want to work it out.Give it 24 hours.Then go back and talk to her.She will be a little clearer headed.The thing to remember when your talking to her.Is you have never lived her life.Or had any of her life experiences.so you need to try to see it from both sides of the rd.

The more I think about this the more I think something was lost in translation.So give it 24 hours.And have her repeat to you what she said.Or post what she said here.And somebody can translate it for you.Sometimes when you translate Chinese to English.It doesn't translate well.Chinese as a spoken laungage.Sometimes Has hidden meaning.So you have to cut threw all the flowery words .And figure out what the lady was trying to tell you.

[Arnold]

I agree with Maxx , David said it best ( he has the most time to answer .. hahaha ) here .
 
The 30 years I was married to my first , jealousy has brought our marriage to the brink of disaster a few time . In my case , I would have never again married anybody even close to being jealous .. especially when it's not called for . This trade in a Woman is Ugly and cause' unnecessary pain and stress among other things . Maybe this was a GOOD sign for you to get OUT and away from her . I feel sorry for this Woman really , she can't help it .. after what she went through .. this Woman is ruinned for Life .. unless a I feel Sorry for you comes along and " I marry you " .
Sad , but this will take lot's of Love & Work to get her out of it .

These Bastard's burn my A** but I can't change their Culture and Thinking what a Woman concerns .

[Irishman]

In Ganzhou (her hometown in Jiangxi),  i saw one day a women being beatten on the street by her husband and nobody passing by payed attention!!  I really felt I was going back in time 100 years in our Western world ...  when a man was the lord and master at home and could punish his wife as he wished!

Djal, while I've never seen this in Guangzhou the last few times I was there i dont doubt you. its not just a Chinese thing for men to be assholes. I saw once on holidays in the Czech republic in Europe a man in broad daylight slap his wife hard a few times at a train-station . Dont know what it was about but my blood boiled on the spot but like everyone else around I didn't intervene. I'd like to think if it was back home in Ireland I would have but ..I'm not sure sure I'd be a hero either unless the guy was a lot smaller than me.

[djal]

It was not in Guangzhou Irishman but Ganzhou...  in Jiangxi.  Much further inland!  I almost intervened but I was told later I could have risk my life if I did...

[David E]

I agree with Maxx , David said it best ( he has the most time to answer .. hahaha ) here 

Geez Arnold...you do enjoy giving me a hard time !!!!! Maybe somewhere in your dark past you were badly treated by an Aussie ?

Yes, I do have a lot of time just now, to reply to posts (especially newbies) BECAUSE I AM ON HOLIDAY UNTIL THE END OF JAN. !!!! and as my LP is in China, and I am here in Perth, I have lots of time to annoy you 

But dont worry, I will be quiet in February, Ming and I are going to spend time together in Phuket.......I want to show her Thailand.

Cheers...David

[Arnold]

Hahaha ... dark past .. who ME I'm too old to remember  
I'm just "Jealous" of your always great answers most of the time , see I didn't say all the time .. because you have to give us/others "Some" room too .
 

[maxx]

djal who ever told you to not inter fear was right.It can turn real deadly real fast.And as a foreigner.Evan if you did beat the stuffing's out of the guy.You would probably have to beat up half of the neighborhood.Just because you are a foreign or.It is a no win situation for you.

My wife is from the Jiangxi province.She was born in JiuJiang it sits right on the Yangtze river.My mother in laws house is 2 blocks from the river.I didn't know anybody but me.That Traveled that far into the interior of China.Just to chase Chinese girls.It is a funny feeling being the only white guy in town.It took me a little while to get used to all the hard core stares.I got from the Chinese people

[Rhonald]

Hahaha ... dark past .. who ME I'm too old to remember  

Arnold...... didn't you use to live in the Black Forest at one time? That would explain your dark past... plus also eating some badly cooked sauerkraut 

[David E]

djal...

And you wonder why this woman has apparent "jealousy" issues........

Her story is typical, and it must be the greatest fear in her life to yet again give her heart to a Man and find out she gets another dose of the same.

Within this framework, it may well be that she has real feelings for you (after 18 months I would not think she is just fooling around with you), so if you feel anything for her, give it a chance, do your best to assure her that you are different. But only a visit will cement this reality in her mind. For now, all she has is words. I bet she is desperate to believe you, but doesn't know exactly how to do it...she needs your help, not censure. If this woman ever got to the stage where she gave you complete trust...you would be buried in romance...I was !!!

You can see from Scott's reply, that even a marriage does not entirely remove this in-built insecurity and needs careful and compassionate handling as he is doing.

[mustfocus]

I'd like to think that no matter where I was, I'd intervene in some form or another if I saw a man was abusing his wife or children.  It might require some discretion, but it would happen.  But then my first responsibility is to my family...

But yes, you could have risked your life... Best way to show that abuse is no good is to be a loving husband in front of others.  Especially compared to the abusive husband...then if the bad ones want to confront you, I don't see why you can't teach him (them) how to be a good husband.

[shaun]

djal,

You have received good advice from a few men here that have the experience to know what they are talking about.   Yes, by in large most of the women in China get jealous.  You can't really blame them.  For them to find a good man it is a dog eat dog world for them.  Going there and spending time with her will help that issue somewhat but like some of the others have said time will help.   18 months is a long time and I imagine it is very difficult for her.

This next thing I am going to tell you is only for an illustration and something I don't generally talk with people about.  I have a younger woman who is working on my team that I lead.  Her husband just left her for another woman and they moved several hundred miles away.  The woman is doing everything she can to keep the rest of her family together. She has three children and is working three jobs and she isn't even Chinese.  Her two youngest children told me that their mother was looking for a fourth job and was when I intervened.  She is about to lose her house.  I immediately began to do what I could to help.

Two nights ago I was talking with Peggy and told her I needed to ask her a serious question.  I told her what I just said in the paragraph above with the exception that I had already started helping.  Then I asked Peggy if she would mind if I helped her find another house to live in maybe even next door to me, since it is available.  One year ago Peggy would have had a fit.  She would have gone on about how much I wanted a younger woman and all.  But two nights ago she said, "I know you, of course you can help her."  Why would she say that?  First, I asked her and because she is sure in our relationship.  She knows that I am not a skirt chaser because she has seen me not do it.  She know my eyes do not linger on other beautiful women as we walk down the street.  She has seen me turn a woman down in a restaurant while I was waiting for her to come back from an errand.

All your woman needs it time with you and seeing how to you react to situations.  Also some will test you just to get your reaction.

It doesn't sound to me like you have a loser at this point only a woman desperately wanting some face time with you.

Shaun