What should I do?

[Iceland]

Hi everyone.

For the past 3 weeks I have been corresponding with this lovely woman I met on Chnlove.

Last Friday she sent me a short letter, telling me her Grandfather had suddenly died and that she must go and see her family. I immediately sent her a short letter back with my condolences and I haven't heard from her since.

I was wandering if there was something particular I should say or do in these circumstances. Or should I just wait until she gets back to me and see what she says?

Any advices?

[Scottish_Robbie]

My advice. give her a few more days, then send a short note, telling her your thinking about her and her family.  Do not make it too heavy though, just let her know, your there if she needs you...

[RobertBfrom aust]

Scottish and Jer are spot on , family will come first for probably a week , regards Sujuan and Robert .

[shaun]

Patience my friend things will happen like this.  If there is something there between the two of you, she is thinking of you and can't wait to get back to you but she must do the family thing first.  When you think about it, it is what you want her to be like anyway; devoted to family.

[Ming Zhi]

Yes shaun is very correct in his thinking 

[Willy The Londoner]

And remember it could also be just a get out excuse as well. And if it comes with financial request then you know the answer.

I hope this is not the case but the woman often think of many excuses instead of just telling you they are no longer interested.

I have lived within the Chinese Community for nearly two years now and they never tell you anything straight.

But hope for the best as there has got to be one somewhere who has been talking with a foreigner whoe father/mother really has died. 

Willy

[auburnkp]

I'm with Willy here, it sounds a little suspicious only because I heard similar excuses before. I hope that is not the case here and there really was a death in the family. Just be patient and like someone said, if she asks for money, run.

[sara]

    you would wait and  be more patient for your lady first. then you would ask her: would you need to pay some money for her because of her Grandfather.
    you know their friends need to give some money to the family if person of the family die in china. in china dying is called baixishi (白喜事). it is the same as the married that is called 红喜事.
Sara
   

[Martin]

Sara, I do not mean to go against Chinese culture here, but I am with the others here.  If she asks for money, run.  We are here to meet a significant other...not financially support someone that we have not met.  Just my thoughts.

[sara]

Martin
    i just wish your guys would know the chinese culture more, espesially in the countryside of china.  and i wish your guys would ask your lady more questions before you meet face to face.  your guys would make sure what kind of the chinese lady would be fit for you.
    some of my dad's friends did give some money to my dad when my dad was sick and in the hospital. that means they cared of my dad in china.
    this is the chinese culture.
Sara

[David E]

Iceland

If she is not politely giving you the brush-off, then after a while she will be back again. Whether Western or Chinese culture, the death of a beloved Grandparent is a bit all-consuming.

Hang tight and await further developments, I think you have done all possible in sending your condolences.

Sara....

Surely it is not Chinese Tradition for a stranger to be asked to give money for a death in the family ? If it is an old friend, a fiance or a spouse, it would be understandable.
And maybe some Chinese Women should learn some more about Western Culture...to ask for money under MOST circumstances is seen as very bad. Gifts of money may be given in Western Culture...but never asked for and never to be taken for granted...especially from a stranger.

[john1964]

Sorry Sarah, I too agree with the others, I would never give money to anyone that i have been in contact with for such a short amount of time or have never met, My wife has never asked money from me and it was my idea to send her regular amounts only after we was sure about our relationship continuing, She was still reluctant to take it or even to give me her bank account details until i explained to her that it will help with the visa process.
 As for not knowing the Chinese culture i think that most of us all here have learnt a great deal about it or are learning every day, In myself do study as much as i can about the culture and this is why i was attracted to my wife and the Chinese people.
Regards from John.

[sara]

   i think i need to explain someting. what i siad: giving some money for the death is not to much maube just 100- 500yuan first. second all people who are the frinds of the family are willing to give the family of the death.
Sara

[shaun]

There are times when there is going to be a clash in regard to the two cultures we find ourselves in with this subject.

For the western man he is rather reluctant to give until he knows that this is possibly the perfect relationship.  As many of us has seen even meeting face to face, spending time together and even getting married does not insure that you will not be taken advantage of.

It is kind of like buying a used car.  You find one, you like the way it looks, it seems to run real good, but the real question is will it last.  There isn't much difference here except you are messing with people lives and emotions.  Bottom line is the man and the woman.  Is he willing to take the chance, kick the tires so to speak, and see if it is worth while.  Is it possible that he might lose?  It is always possible.  But to sit on the sideline and never venture out gets you nowhere real fast.

It is up to you but I wouldn't give until it hurts.  How much would you give on a first time date?  I wouldn't give much more than that before meeting face to face.

[Paul Todd]

An ordinary funeral with the required rituals is an expensive thing here and the money usually comes from donations received as 'condolence' money from relatives and friends of the deceased person.
The names of those who contribute and the amount given is noted in a ledger. This ledger is kept by the next of kin to the deceased who will be responsible for the family's affairs. What this means in practice is that he/she will keep track of everyone who gave money and should any deaths occur in their families  this next of kin is responsible to visit and donate an equivalent amount or more towards the funeral. I think it is a good way to show solidarity and pool resources for an expense that many families can not afford.
A similar ledger is kept for weddings too and returning the favour is also expected with similar or larger amounts of money, just part of the glue which holds this unique culture together.
The bereaved family and newly weds are given time to recover financially as they are excused from everything for a period of 100 days from the event. In fact it is considered taboo for them to be seen at any weddings, funerals or any other celebrations for that period.
As far as I can see no one has been asked for any money up to this point and Sara was answering the question "I was wandering if there was something particular I should say or do in these circumstances. Or should I just wait until she gets back to me and see what she says?
Any advices?" in Icelands thoughtful post.

As for using this as an "excuse" for ending a relationship you have to take into account the idea of Face in this culture and if this was used to end a relationship it would be your face that was being saved although it may not appear that way at the time.  Chinese people very rarely square up to anything head on in the same manor that we do. I understand how frustrating this can be as I have to deal with this on an almost daily basis, Quite often it can be viewed as flat out misleading but in truth it's not. We loawai have much to learn about our wives and girlfriends culture and time spent studying it will reap it's own rewards.