What should I do?

[Scottish_Robbie]

Ice, if your lady has sent you photographs through private mail, why not been talking on that...? instead of chnlove?

I would wait and see what transpires, I think the guys may have it spot on, with 'translator & fishing for revenue.

[Iceland]

Robbie, it is my intention to move  my correspondence with the lady over to the private email but I haven't felt confident enough yet to do that. But that time is coming up.

[Hajo]

    you would wait and  be more patient for your lady first. then you would ask her: would you need to pay some money for her because of her Grandfather.
    you know their friends need to give some money to the family if person of the family die in china. in china dying is called baixishi (白喜事). it is the same as the married that is called 红喜事.
Sara
   

I think I go with Sara on this issue. If you read Sara post carefully, you will see that Sara tells that Island should ask the lady if he should pay some money. She does not mention the lady asking for money. I agree with the others, not to pay money if the lady asks for it. But if Island asks the lady if he should pay some money, he will earn a lot of face. Wether the lady tells him to pay or not.

If one think of the dozens of dollars some of us have spent on the wrong ladies, $40 or $50 would not be a big loss if one should loose the money send to the lady. In my opinion it depends on your feeling, Island. If you feel good about her, spend the money if she want to accept your offer. Remember it is for a good cause, not just pleasure money for the lady. I would do it, if was feeling positive about her.

For the other part with the last letter you received, I agree that the translator screwed it up. If you have the ladies private email, you could tell her short that the agency is messing with you. She will fix it.

Well, thats my opinion on this issue.

[Iceland]

Thanks to all who have commented.

I have now written her three letters after the incident that sparked this thread and gotten three letters back from her.

It was not the translator who was messing up.

It was the lady. She was getting cold feet, as someone suggested was a possibility and the reason for all this. She has now told me that she got so frightened suddenly. She had signed up with her agency in March and two weeks later she was already deep down in this very serious relationship with a man (me) she knew nothing about. And although she had enjoyed this in the beginning it had dawned upon her, as the number of the letters between us grew, that this was no game.

And when I had told her I was actually coming to China to meet her, it seems to me she got very afraid and insecure. Dubious questions began to pile up ... What if this man is not who he says he is? What will I do if I don't like him after all? What will he do when I tell him? ... and thoughts like that started to scare her.

I would be a fool if I didn't understand her situation and concern and in my letters to her since then I have tried my best to set her mind at ease regarding me. She seemed very relieved that I wasn't angry with her but understood her anxiety. I told her that whatever would come out of this the worst thing that could possibly happen was that we would still be friends. I always wanted to visit China anyway and since deciding to go there I was also going to use the trip to build some business contacts. So the trip was not all about her and not her responsibility.

It seems I have managed to calm her. I hope so. But I don't know how this will go. She might get cold feet again and she might not.

I got a theory about the root of this incident.

You know that in the letters from the majority of the ladies (I think) there is a lot of intimacy in the very beginning. They call you "my love" and tell you that "you are their one and only" and so forth without even knowing who you are. This is what she did in her letters to me.

I now think that this intimacy and love-talk is coming from the agencies. Not that they are changing the ladies letters but more like they are advicing them to do this. Being an absolute beginner in this field I started replying to her in the same way, with the same intimacy, thinking that it would make her happy and secure about me. But now I think it was totally wrong of me. It had the opposite affect on her. It scared her.

It would be interesting to hear some point of view on this from the experienced members her.

ps. I have not dared yet to ask her about her grandfather so I don't know for sure if that was the truth.

 

[David E]

Iceland

I think you have got to the core of the truth with your observation.

For both Men and Women, it is easy to get caught up in the possibilities of Chinese/Western relationships, it all sounds so exotic, exciting and possible, early on. This scenario is heavily helped along by lots of translator "fluff"

Over time, the reality begins to bite, the scenario becomes more real and then the dark thoughts, uncertainties and fear creeps in...the "what if" syndrome. As you begin to become more verbally intimate, again promoted by translator exaggerations and maybe bad advice, both of you realise you are going down a track that could be dangerous because after all, you are still both complete strangers really.

It is difficult to know the best way through this phase, until you have met face-to-face, you cant know whether these flowery words can turn into a reality for you both. That is why we say "get over there soonest and decide one way or the other." There is little point in continuing an EMF relationship long term into the future.

Accept that this is phase 1 of any potential relationship, and has little meaning until you get to phase 2 (web-cam and more personal interaction) and phase 3 (a personal meeting)...if and when you get to phase 4 (a marriage) you will have something close to perfection !!!

Phase 1 is pleasant, necessary and useful...but no more than this. It is oh so easy to fall in love (!!!) with a translators phrases or with the thoughts of what might be......but it aint real......yet !!!

We have all been down this track, one way or the other and sometimes it works out, sometimes it doesn't. Just keep in mind WHY you decided to look in China for your future life partner, and remember that it would be a rare happening to marry the first woman you correspond with seriously, or the first woman you actually meet..........rare but sometimes possible.

In any event, dont kid yourself that you can begin, develop and conclude a relationship by EMF....thats Testosterone talking, not reality 

Dont get concerned, you are doing OK....but you gotta get over there and see for yourself....see it , feel it, touch it...so to speak 

Cheers...David

[maxx]

Iceland I'm going to go with David E on this.It is all a big unknown until you are there.Standing face to face with each other.The flowery words are nice.And they do serve a purpose.They do tend to draw the men in.And the translators do know this.And they keep using the flowery words.To keep the man writing letters.What the translators don't realize is some of the men do actually.Beleave that a girl they have never met.Would be saying things like that to them.

A friend of mine the other day received a emf letter from a 22 year old Chinese girl.who started out the letter.Talking about her virginity.And how she wanted my friend to be her first and last lover.Needless to say this blew my friend out of the water.And he had swallowed the bait.He bought a bunch of credits.And was getting ready to write the girl back.After he showed me the letter and I read it.I had to break the news to him.That a translator had written the letter.And the new love of his life didn't Evan know who he was.

The same thing happend to a friend of mine in China.Her translator was writing To a man.And the man was writing back.I read the  letters the man was writing to my friend.The letters the man was writing read like a third rate porno magizine.When I looked at the letters the translator was writing for my friend.I could see why the man was writing the way he did.The translator was coming on hot and heavy.It was so hot and heavy.The translator was promising endless love sessions.Ten minutes after the guy arrived in China.

When I returned to the states.I called the guy.Told him what was going on.With the translator.He told me.He had thought that the relationship was moving way to fast.He told me he stuck with it.Because the letters sounded good.And he wanted to see.If she would go threw with what she promised in the letters.I assured him nothing was going to happen.Like what was written in the letters.

He did make a couple of trips to China to see my friend but they couldn't ever work it out.She met another man on a different dating site and they go married.He ended up marring a woman from Nanning.The translator had gone to far.And had got him wound up so tight.That he couldn't get over the porno letters.Enough to see my friend for what she really is.a kind carring woman.Who just wanted somebody to be with.After her kids left home.

So to stop my ramble.Keep your eyes open and your head up.And if you receive a letter from a woman on Chnlove.With allot of flowery words.Remember it is probably the translator adding those words.Just to keep you coming back for more.

[Pineau]

I agree with Maxx. It is easy to get caught up in the flowery talk. Both girls and boys like to hear it but really no one talks like that except in Romance novels. So if youre messages are reading like a romance novel or a come-on from a porn star, wake up your only dreaming. 

[Hajo]

Well, I would call this a "positive" surprise.

Because of the lady getting cold feet and open up for her concerns should give you a better base for talking about the important things, like get to know each other better. After the lady has opened up for her feelings and you have responded to that, it should make her a little more confident with your ambitions.

I remember when I was writing to my now wife, I had some concerns too. Would we be able to handle the language barrier and difference of culture. We were lucky to have a translator who did not manipulate the letters and I build kind of relationship to translator too. This way I could get clarified things, if there were phrases in the letters, which I did not understand.

I asked my wife a few times, how she did know that I was the right one. Well, she answered that she did not know, but she trusted her feelings. As Maxx stated before somewhere else in the forum. The real work begins, when the lady moves into your home and you live together. But the EMF/email conversation can be a good help on this road of getting to know each other, if you can talk open without the translator manipulating the letters.

By telling her what you expect (or not expect) you may have won her trust. Only time will tell if the relationship will be a success or not. It can be very challenging sometimes, because of the way it works. One cannot see the face and reactions of the counterpart.

I wish you all the best for your journey finding the right one.

[john1964]

Hey David, I must be one of the rare people on this site to have met the only lady that i corresponded with on Chnlove and actually have got married, I had the usual letters that were "fluffed" up so i ignored these, MinYings letter was so simple and without the "hype" so i thought i would take a chance and write her back, Every day for  nearly 5 months we wrote to each-other before we actually met in person, Yeh i know that was a lot of EMF,S an reasonably expensive but my life was spent at home most days being the single dad so the daily letters were the high lite of my day.
Here i am today only 3 weeks  from my third trip and could not be happier, But yes after reading many posts here i believe to be a very rare case but as happy as the next guy to find his Chinese love.  John.

[David E]

Yes John, I was mindful when I wrote the post that you were an "EMF only" success story, that's why I said it was a rare thing and not an impossible thing. But I think you would agree that it is more probable that many EMF relationships are very difficult to bring to a conclusion without a face-to-face. After all, even though you both had decided on each other via your EMF's, if when you met in person, there was a totally diferent reality, it may not have turned out so well for you both 

[john1964]

Mike, We must two pee,s in the pod,,So to speak, We have been so lucky to find our"'perfect match" In a sea of so many Beautiful and wonderful women so quickly,  Over the last few weeks MinYing and myself have had so many phone calls between each-other and i am enjoying every minute, Her English has become form non-existent to learning  in leaps and bounds, The calls are mixed from English and Chinese, 'Chinglish",  But our understanding is getting better by the day, Never before  have i been so happy, "And frustrated" With a beautiful lady, ( communication), Long hard road, Tyres are pumped, Fuel is topped up and i am more than ready for the journey, There are many on the road before us and many to follow, There are many " pit stops" until the end and many people  to give "a helping hand" Which i have found here, Good luck to you, and all that  have set out on this journey and i hope our road to happiness is full of good times and no " blow outs", David, Yes i have read many a post here of when things go wrong and when the lady they have been corresponding with is not the same person they have met in person and if i was one of those "many" then i would be so pissed, So to speak, But on a positive note, I will be in Beijing in two weeks, six days, seventeen hours and twenty minutes with my Lao po ( I am so lucky) ,,MinYing and John.

[Hajo]

Mike, We must two pee,s in the pod,,So to speak, We have been so lucky to find our"'perfect match" In a sea of so many Beautiful and wonderful women so quickly, 

Hey guys, then I am one of the pee's too  I found my wife after searching for 2 month. We have been living together for 20 month now. As John writes, its a bumpy road but if both want to make it work, it can work out.

Have a nice and save trip, John!

[Irishman]

I found my wife through chnlove too (indirectly!).

[Hajo]

Oh yes I remember, the Irish story. It took a little time and had its up and downs, but it ended happily! Your story shows that patience and endurance pays off!