Hebei, Round 2

[lfputman3]

my parents are won over by two things, time and loyalty. Something that other women in the past never seemed to comprehend. Ultimately when they see us happy, together, they won't try to argue. But she still has to cook for mom, like me, she does like real Asian food. Dad, just want's to be certain she's cute and good to me. I've warned her she gets about three days around him before he stops being polite and a week after meeting, she is expected to act like a member of the family. Grandpa was the same way, except he cop a feel when he'd hug mom. Dirty old Indian that he was.

I think she will be fine, but I get no blessing from my parents until they physically meet her.

[lfputman3]

Good news and Bad news.
Ok, well, we've come to a conclusion. We cannot stand being apart. Our qq log is a little over 500 pages long, it was only 200 pages long when I returned from Handan on this recent trip.

My mom is annoyed that her mom is calling me her son. I told her she would have to get over it, because I have not found a title for son-in-law, which I kind of like that fact.
Her grandma is the best-est of buddies with the little charmer I originally went over there for. She wishes her granddaughter would listen to the fortune teller and wait until she is in her 50s to marry. However, the fortune teller has apparently decreed grandma and the aforementioned "charmer" as being "elegant" people. I got a bad vibe from grandma the first time I met her, I've since found out her grandmother is as bad as my grandmother (paternal) who pretty spent much of her adult life at the bar and when grandpa was driving OTR for the lumber companies, she was spending his paycheck, well, guess where. Plus there's the fact that one of my aunt's is only my aunt b/c dearest grandmother gave birth to her. b/c she is not grandpa's kid. She doesn't like that fact that us nephews and nieces know this, or that ever her own daughter knows.

The bad news, we've had all this happiness and blissful chatting the last few weeks and this morning, mama got served the notice that their block, businesses and residential are on the demolition block in the next few months. I'm thinking to myself, this is late 70s-mid 80s era construction, not typical Maoist and definitely not pre-revolution. Not a ghetto, definitely not an ugly neighborhood by Chinese city standards. It's just, well, rather plain and gray. So, WTF! I'm thinking, wow, that violates alot of eviction laws in most countries, but I know I also do not have a remote grasp on the theories of imminent domain in China. They know they will receive some compensation, but they do not know how much or when, only that they are being told to move out before the end of August.

So the good news is well, if you didn't guess, by now. Yes, we are gonna go for it. Have to do all those lovely formalities and redtape and other crap, then start on the next load of redtape and crap (her visa). I have to check on licensing requirements for her. Turns out she meets certification requirements for cupping and acupuncture in China. Which if I remember correctly, in Michigan she meets requirements for licensing, b/c most of our acupuncture and cupping practitioners (12/15 registered) came from China with no stop in Frisco, or Columbus, GA at the schools there. I'll find out, have shot an email out to the lawyer, yes this vet is using a lawyer. Accountant, not lawyer, it's called professional courtesy and respect. And I do not trust government people even thought they owe me their job.

I will keep you posted, for now, it's what I can do here and then I'm off to be with her on August 26, for a month! WooHoo!

Lloyd

[maxx]

Lloyd isn't it kind of funny how much you become attached to them after such a short time together.I've ben down this rd.And I have probably read a couple of thousand stories of guys.Who have ben down this Rd.And it is the same for all of us.They just kind of suck you in.And you are hooked for life.It has got to be something to do with there smile or there laugh.Or maybe there whole being.Or maybe they are all agents for the Chinese government.Planning to take over the world one western guy at a time.And they have special training.To do just that.Either way it is a hell of a ride.And I would jump on again.Just for the thrill of the whole thing. Good luck and best wishes for a speedy visa process.

If there planning to tear down your fiancee mother house.This is going to be a good show with allot of threats and posturing.You may evin get to join the fun.Just to scare the hell out of a government lackey and his bully boys.The JiuJiang city government started this with my mother in law.About 6 months ago.They came to the door and asked my sister in law who owned the house.My sister in law told the government lackey.That her sister owned the house.And that she was married to a foreign or living in America.2 weeks latter they came back.And said they wanted to talk to my wife.The government lackey told my sister in law that they had a new house.For my wife.So my mother in law.Goes and checks the place out.The new house is a empty field.Out in the middle of nowhere Mom blows a gasket.And starts hollering at the city lackey.

about a week after this the government starts tearing down the houses around moms house.The neighbors are out hollering and screaming at the demolition guys.But it doesn't matter.So some of them take the deal and run.Not my mom she bars the door.And gets a big stick.Demo guys won't come close to moms house.Rumor has spread threw the neighbor hood that foreign son is coming and he is very angry.

So the first thing we do when we arrive in JiuJiang China is go down.To the city government buildings.And I intimidate the hell out of the government lackey.And 3 of his bully boys.After that  they fix the damage to the house.That is bellow moms house.And they Start acting more cautious.They don't show up when they think I'm around.Or when my wife is there.My wife stayed a couple of months after I left.And she went down to the government  offices every other day.And made there lives miserable
 
From what I understand on how it works.You buy the house.And you can own the house for 99 years.After that time the house goes back to the government.Unless for some reason the City government wants the land the house is on.Before the 99 years are up.Then they can come in and just take your house.And throw you in the street.

Chinese law is written that if the government wants your house.You must give it to them.The government in turn will give you a new house.Or a better house.Or give you enough money to buy a house that was the same as the one that they took.In my mother in laws case.They offered her a new house that wasn't built yet.And they had no plans to start building for another year.

So the negotiations are still going on.So far they locked my mother in law in a empty house and wouldn't let her out.For a couple of hours.They sent a woman to beat up my mother in law.Mom put a serious hurting on the woman.They beat one of the neighbors so bad he was pissing blood.They sent a guy to disconnect the power to the houses.My father in law and one of the neighbors chased the guy down the street.They beat the day lights out of the guy.Mom and dad and the neighbors that stayed.Put a 8 foot gate up.And locked it.Now you can only walk threw a little opening.Somebody watches the gate at all hours of the day and night.They caught a guy the other night trying to climb over the gate.They chased him off.

The government is coming with a new offer.They are offering a 1000 Rmb more.To buy new houses.Unfortunately what the government lackey's are offering won't come close to buying a descent home to live in.The 1,000 Rmb is just a slap in the face.So Nobody has taken the new offer.The place down the street from my mom's.Went threw this a couple of years ago.They all got new houses.In the same place they lived before.My wife told me those people held out for over a year.Before the government caved in.so my mother in law and the neighbors have set in for the long haul.

Hopefully your girl's mom won't have to go threw this.But I think she will.It will get rough and ugly before it is over with.Tell your girls mother to hang in there.And make sure the government treats her right.And you may have to show your face a couple of times.It shows your girls mother some face.It also shows the city government.That a foreigner is watching.And they don't want to loose there face.Or have there city government slammed all over the enternet.Beijing really frowns on this kind of thing because it shows the government in a bad light.

There is a word for son in law. it sounds like neiw shia.My wife says it is spelled NVXU.I don't know I'm just writing what she is telling me.Good luck and best wishes.

Maxx

[shaun]

It's the wild wild East? 

[lfputman3]

Maxx,
thanx for the tip, I've passed part of it along. Even worse, I know people here stateside to call, media type people, what a shame.

I guess mama has already talked with a couple of the neighbors, apparently the money is right, the problem is, there is no space in Handan right now, guess they will have to wait it out.

Lloyd

[lfputman3]

well, it was bound to happen. always is, at some point in a relationship, you have to have a first fight. It's ongoing, yes, it was a misunderstanding. Now I have to deal with one of her friends screaming that we shouldn't be together, it's a mistake, blah, blah, blah. This friend happens to be the only other woman in her social circle, besides her divorced aunt and grandmother, who is not currently married. which wreaks of jealousy to me.

long story short, I asked about the marriage gift (dowry) for her parent (mom). apparently I was not supposed to do this...

Some confusion ensued and now I'm trying to get her to tell me what is wrong. I confessed to being a dumb ass, for being wrong in the first place, but now just trying to get by the cloud. I know part of my problem, I was, more or less, left at the alter before. Several years back, but let's be honest, some psychological issues have a habit at playing with us. I'm trying to work past the self-destructive part of the relationship now, because I know I want to be with her and her alone and I just don't want to screw this up.

we have had the cool off period and sent one another messages, which say we are still moving forward. but I'm still getting a bit of the cold shoulder. I'm guessing I'll go with just getting status updates and do my best to make her laugh, but right now, she doesn't want to give me any face time on video chat. probably because I know how to make her laugh and that would just spoil the being angry and I do understand that occassionally, as human beings, we just want to be angry for the moment...

 

Lloyd

[RobertBfrom aust]

Lloyd , slowly , slowly , does catch the fish , whilst all accountants like to have their ducks in a row , you will find out that lovely Chinese women mostly work minute after minute , but if you are lucky you might be lucky to upgrade to hour by hour , looking back I could not see how old your intended is , but it is not a marriage gift or dowry , it is a red envelope quietly given to the Mother in this case after very private discussions with your bride to be , the only 2 people who should know what is in the Red envelope are the 2 of you and depending who was around the computer or ? when you asked this it may have caused some embarrassment , whether it is her 1st marriage or ? and post marriage arrangements for the mother .
 These type of discussions are hard long distance and it is very hard to know what is in her mind like she thinking 888 U.S. dollars you thinking 8888 U.S dollars and the silly girlfriend thinking 88888 U.S. dollars , I trust you get my drift , have a read of Rhonalds blog it may help you and other will no doubt also drop a wise word in , but relax and look forward to the 26th of August , regards Sujuan and Robert .

[lfputman3]

Thank you Robert, one of the major side issues has shown itself "friends" the single type who are of course jealous, grandmother is pushing on a couple of them. Ironically, with the eviction, grandmother has to move back to Rizhao, because the apartment they are moving to, doesn't have room. Besides, her son lives in Rizhao and listening to Yuan and mama, they have not much use for mama's brother.

The friends are definitely a problem, I've talked to two people, I'm fairly certain the one is gay, and he supports Yuan and I and the other is the only other English speaking friend, this 20 year old and a gay guy are my defense. Mama, I know is pulling for me, but I have a bunch of people telling her how miserable she will be. Even though I've already told her I am  moving from Owosso, to Lansing. Because Owosso, while being the home of James Oliver Curwood and Friederich Frieseke, has degraded into a haven of rednecks, white trash and welfare scum. Throw in a couple peddlers come in from Detroit and it's not worth staying. Besides Lansing has a decent Asian population, with the University that of course includes quite a few Chinese as well. Additionally, they have better stores and markets. I was looking at that move anyway.

I will need to know where to locate Rhonald's blog and it is her 1st marriage, as well as mine. I was a couple months from it before with the traditional western planning system. Now I'm weeks away and we've hit the cold feet snag which any Buddhist monk or Hindu spiritualist would be proud of me, because I am feeling that fear, but I know that I have chosen this path and I am committed to it.

Again Thank you, I will resume my calm casual demeanor for dealing with these "friends" who do not want to meet me. That should say something to me, not even willing to give me the chance.

Lloyd

[David E]

Lloyd

It does seem to be typical that our Chinese Lovelies get a "crisis of confidence" somewhere along the track to marriage with a foreigner, especially after it gets to the serious stage and the actual marriage and move to another Country becomes a certainty, not a possibility.
There are always some elements within the circle of family and friends who try to torpedo the relationship...fear ? jealousy? envy or maybe genuine concern ?? Either way it seems to happen.

In my own case, Ming got a lot of pressure from a family member and her Buddhist Priest about our disparate religious beliefs and even got her believing the relationship would not work. I got the"frosties" and lack of contact as a result.

After getting some advice here...I jumped on a plane and confronted it all on the spot and demolished all the arguements against us.

I think mostly that these issues go away when you get face to face, because then you both get the re-inforcement that you are meant for each other, and that together you can overcome any problems.

At long range, the forces working against you get all the air time !!!!

Hang in there, once you meet together again, sanity will prevail

[lfputman3]

Thanks David,

Just stopped by the shop of a friend here in our major metropolis. He and I both having been in the military around the same time and having worked with each other's respective units, just never with the other. We have a nice communicative relationship when the sh*t appears to be hitting the fan. We talked about it, he runs a comic/game shop and some of his clientele were very quick to point out their disasters and how they can't seem to get past the same point and one told me I'm his hero, we (5 people) told him where to take his perversions. It wasn't Asia BTW, and then my friend and I discussed what appears to be going on. Unfortunately for those trying to torpedo Yuan and I, she is not the first Asian girl I have dated in Asia. I was in Korea and some of the tricks are not dissimilar. In fact, some of the tricks, jealousies and general ego behavior is visible in virtually every culture I have encountered in my life.

I know when I arrive in China, it will be ok. I know I have mama's support, that's more important than any of her friends when it comes to China, especially considering the father is nowhere in the picture let alone the province and neither Yuan or mama give a care about what grandmother has to say, they just want her to return to mama's brother who is supposed to be the amazing superstar businessman. Who sounds as broke as an American College Freshman two months into a Frat membership.

I'm going to keep my head. If something appears amiss, I will calmly deal with the issue and I will continue to tell her every day (multiple times) that I love her. Otherwise she will begin to doubt things. I think I also found a better deal on a lawyer, he's a friend, former college professor for my law classes and tax attorney, general attorney at law, but we've talked a little about it and he stated for me being a vet, he'd consider an extremely fair rate, because it would take him less than an hour to fill out the paperwork and as Maxx so fondly points out, us vets have little trouble in getting our wives into the States. However, I am an accountant, not a lawyer. I stick to the stuff I know.

So I will get back to my thing and work and such and keep working on her and then when the 26th gets here. Well, let's just say by the time the lights go out on the 27th I think it will all be ok again.

Lloyd

[lfputman3]

Happy days, I got her laughing and smiling!

Take that jealous b*tches!

[Arnold]

  .. .. wow worked on me too !

[shaun]

Great to hear Lloyd.  Glad you are past it now.

[lfputman3]

I am glad to know that too. So we're discussing a few things and a question came up, she wants to take my name in marriage. Um...  they do that at the office when we get the certificate, or ?  I'm kinda dumb on that one.

She also cringed when she found out about the vaccinations, but I told her I would go with her for that. We both hate needles, joy!

[lfputman3]

... and another round of cold feet. Biggest thing I am now hearing is, "afraid we might make mistake"

how does one describe which is more of a psychological problem, a mistake or the regret from not taking the chance, which could be the best thing that could happen, regardless of the fact that all married couples have problems?

BTW, she went to the movies with her friends, they saw Transformers 3 and I know two of these charming individuals are trying to convince her that she is going to get raped, mugged and murdered in the driveway.

I do not live in the D, no offense intended Kev...

Biggest problem is we are good for a day or two then we have a day or two of me repeating all the reasoning over again. I think it's totally cold feet, she's also afraid of not having any friends or being able to speak with anyone. Which, she wants to speak English, but when I try to get her to speak in English, she gets bashful. We do have Chinese people in Michigan and ironically a good share of them speak proper "mandarin," I know it's actually 普通话 (putonghua) not a fruit. I also know mama is still supporting me. Which means, it's cold feet and bad logic. Granted, I know logic and emotion do not coexist well. Kinda like my IFB older brother and my liberal muslim friends.    oh that is so much fun to avoid.

Lloyd