All About China > Understanding Chinese Women

How to convince wife to seek help

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dumbo:
My wife moved from China at the end of July. I went to China five times before she received her green card, we met through chnlove. I have been reading the posts here, we have some problems in our marriage due to culture and me being single for too long. However, I believe now my wife has a mental problem or may be I have a mental problem because I think she needs help. She has a son from a previous marriage 7 years old. Our son is doing well in school, he is learning English fast, his public school has a Chinese immersion program so they teach English and Chinese. My wife on the other hand misses China. She thinks it was a mistake to marry me and come over here. Since July she has hit me 3 times, she has hit our son one time. She has a bad temper so I was used to some of the verbal temper, but I didn't expect to get into something like this. In all cases, the arguements or her reasons for hitting me are childish. later, she feels about what has happened, I have learnt that it is difficult for her to say sorry. I have tried several appoaches to get her to seek mental help. I suspect she has bipolar or some other type of depression. I am getting strong reaction from her not see a doctor. She comes up with many excuses, she has stopped attending social events with me. She is afraid to meet other Chinese people because she has trouble saying she is divorced and she has met me through  the internet. Her family knows that she has hit me and her sister wrote me an email saying she will do her best to convince her to get help. Does anyone any suggestions? I am hoping she can talk to one of the brothers wife who is already in the USA and may be she can talk to her about challenges in moving to USA?

I am self employed financial advisor/insurance agent so I have a good health insurance  plan, I will do my best to help her get the treatment she needs.

Arnold:
Dumbo , we all know .. that like a Smoker .. you can not help much .. unless THEY themselves are reallizing that the problem is with them and not the surrounding world .
Counting out of course , there are reasons that we don't know about .. that causes her to act in this way . Being Homesick after six months is not really a big enough problem on hand to start hitting you over the Head , there are more serious issues with your Wife .
You say , you've been to China five times . Have you NOT noticed that this problem could arrive , as you must have talked about this move over and over ? Prepare her to whats to come or not to come . Being ashamed seeing other People of her Race due to her background doesn't really help matters any .
You are going to need a lot of Patience my Friend to work this through , but only if her love for YOU is strong enough .. otherwise I see not a happy end in sight .

Vince G:
There is not enough info to even make an opinion. What causes the violence? and here in the US it is just that and there are consequences. She can't be missing China that much if she won't talk with other chinese people? If it seems that it will help? Send her back to her family. Let her spend a little time there. I would talk to the family also and if this was hidden? or you didn't see this before? ask the family. It could be frustration or a number of other things. She needs help.

dumbo:
Thanks for the replies. I didn't see this coming when I visited her 5 times over 2 years. The first 2 times I stayed over 4 weeks each time and we lived together so I would have known if she had mental issues. Had she hit me in an arguement there, I would have ended the relationship long time ago. I noticed frustration with waiting for the visa and all the questions immigration asked back and forth. She was convinced that she would not get the visa for all kinds of small reasons and I think that was the start of her paronoia. I told her that she would get the visa and if small chance something happens and the visa is delayed I would move there for 6 months and teach English and the reapply from within China. She didn't like talking about her divorce while we were in China. Again, I understand this, because Chinese culture is not really open to the issue of divorce. I didn't make a big deal of this. One problem my friends here have pointed out is that her ex husband was very wealthy. He has left her a lot of money in divorce, I am doing okay by American standards but I am not wealthy like him. I am financial advisor for regular folks and I make enough to pay for rent and expenses. I never promised her a very wealthy life style. I am puzzled by her reluctance to talk to other Chinese folks, I strongly believe this is related to some mental disease and she is trying to avoid social contact. It is possible she was becoming bipolar over time and I didn't notice it, and moving here triggered this kind of response. I am also trying to get her to go back to China for few weeks and have her stay with family. I will have to take care our son for few weeks. Treatment options for a mental disease are not very good in China, but her family may convince her it is okay to receive help here.

The issue of whether I prepared her well to move here is a good one. I thought I did by American standards but she may have expected more. I selected a public school that teaches English and Chinese for our son. Her ex husband is very happy I did this and she is happy with it too. I am sometimes slow to buy things that she asks for. This gets her frustrated. She is unhappy about my very flexible and ever changing schedule as a financial advisor. We didn't have this issue when I was in China as I was able to adjust my schedule. I don't believe I do anything that is a reason for her to hit me.

I can't speak directly with her family but I write emails and write back in Chinese. I am going to try to get her back to China. I would appreciate advice from brothers who already have Chinese wives on how to get her to see a doctor here. This subject would not be easy with an American girl, it is even harder with a Chinese wife.

 

Vince G:
Mental disorders are complex and very hard to pinpoint a diagnosis. A "average" bipolar has deep depression and springs back and forth. She may have a chemical imbalance which can cause mood swings. Is she rational in her actions? Does she swing at you for saying hello? or is it from anger in an argument? Does she get up in the middle of the night and put on makeup? sits in a rocking chair waiting for you to wake?

What your describing sounds more like just someone spoiled?   

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