How to convince wife to seek help

[Vince G]

I don't agree Maxx, calling 911 and when the police arrive they would cart her off to jail for Domestic Violence (if he has marks or blood drawn and or a witness she being the aggressor) and she'd be back the next day unless she seems completely unraveled then they may bring her to the jails mental ward or hospital (depends where, city/state).

If he has her sent into a faculty, she will learn she's not getting out till she cooperates. The longer she resists the longer she stays.

[Scottish_Robbie]

Well said Max, however  The lady needs to think that it is her idea to talk to the head shrinker.

[shaun]

I do have a little experience with this.  If 911 is called and they send a properly trained office on a domestic dispute he should be able to evaluate the woman and take her to a facility.

Dumbo you should call 911 the next time this happens.  Don't wait for your son to do it.  In later years he could possibly dislike you for not doing it.  That aside you can explain to the officer all that has happened in the past.  Don't suggest to him that you think she should be taken to and institution because then you are revealing your motivation to him and it could discredit the information you have given him.  You have no way of knowing how much the officer knows or how good he is a recognizing these behaviors as being mental issues but you should never suggest to him how to do his job.  They don't like that very much.

However if you are successful in getting her admitted to a mental hospital they can more accurately determine what her issues are and the way to overcome them.

But I tell you this, you shouldn't allow her to abuse you in this manner.  He family not stepping in and helping should tell you something.  This has been going on for a very long time.  It isn't something that just happened with you and it isn't your fault.  Next time make the call.

[Willy The Londoner]

If she has a problem and it has been long term then I doubt if we are in a position to offer little more than advice. I know that if i was carted off to a mental facility here then i would have serious doubts about staying with the person responsible. Whether I needed it of not I would not appreciate it.

That being said then this is a problem that can occur with long distance courtships.   Dumbo had five visits here in a couple of years but just how long were these visits for?  Obviously not long enough to notice a problem. 

I met my wife and was courting her here for 5 months solid before going into the marriage stakes.  Unfortunately not many of you are able to do it the way I did but as they say you do not really know a persion before you live with them.

Willy
 

[Vince G]

Willy you are right but I was just saying forceable action may be all that's left.

I met a girl that moved here a few years ago. As I was sitting at her place I realized she was not only not for me but something was off about her. Then she told me that her "boyfriend" had her committed for 3 months. When she got out she left him and the state. Lucky me?

[yvictor]

Dumbo,

I am really sorry to hear about your problems. I had a similar problem with my ex-wife, in terms of trying to convince her to seek help.ee
In her case violence was not an issue, but she was suffering from depression and alcoholism.
I tried for years to convince her to seek help.
In the end I just gave up and divorced her - she only went to treatment at that point.
It was good for her to go since she got her alcohol problem solved, but way too late for our relationship.

Based on my personal experience, if I have to deal with anything like this next time around my strategy will be to bail out as fast as I can, since I don't believe it is worth try to fix such a bit issue, life is too short and we need to move on.
This is just my 2 cents - sorry if I'm sounding too negative, but wanted to tell you about my experience.

(After the above experience I remarried, my new wife is Chinese (my ex was not). That's what attracted me to this forum, reading about other people's experiences with Chinese fiancees and wives. I know this is off-topic, but since this is my first post I thought I'll say it here anyways - I like a lot the topics on this forum!).

Victor

[Scottish_Robbie]

Yvictor welcome mate

[yvictor]

Thanks, Scottish_Robbie, it is good to be here :-)

[Arnold]

I also Welcome you Victor and appreciate anything you can offer our Member's , that can help in any way towards future Relationships .

[2hip]

I congratulate you on your handling of a very difficult and disturbing topic.  You are a better man than I am.  I understand that you have bonded to the boy.  That is gut wrenching to think about bailing out.  But at some point you need to address that very issue of "when is it enough".  Do you understand the mental and physical toll it is taking on you?  It is a very disturbing situation.

If she has serious mental health issues they may never be cured.  You will just become numb to her erratic behavior and become a shell of a man.  I would tell her there are no options left for the two of you.  Either she gets into evaluation and then treatment or it is quits.  You can not go around your life waiting for the next IED device to go off and maime you.  This will also cause problems for the boy later on his life when he imprints this behavior into his catalogue of life in marriage.

My hat is off to you.  This is a freaking nightmare.

[Peter Arnold]

I also welcome you YVictor. Thanks for sharing your experience with us. These are very wise words. You did what needed to be done and moved out of a dysfunctional relationship and moved on. I don't see this as negative, as there were two positive changes. One for you, and one for your ex.

[dumbo]

Thanks for all the help and support, I am hanging in for now but divorce looks more likely everyday. I haven't decided on how to continue my relationship with the boy. I always believe doing whats in the best interest of the children, I also see that I need to move on with my life. I am slowly giving up on trying to work my marriage. There is so much I can do, so much abuse I can take. Life goes on.

I am trying to get her sisters to send her a plane ticket to go back to China for a while. Then lets see what happens. I appreciate all the offers of help here. I also think that she is depressed over that I am not wealthy or rich like her ex-husband. She didn't think about these may be when we were in China, but at the end of the day, if she wants to be married to a rich person, she is not the right person for me. I will move on easily with my life. I also married her because I always believed she would do whats best for children. Lately, she has taken our arguements in front of our son, this hurts me and our son, but also makes me move away from her. I don't want to be with someone who abuses children.

[Arnold]

dumbo,
I see that you have given "Her" all the chance's to make this work for the both of you and her Son. If it comes down to a split-up, you can hold your Head high and not blame yourself or be blamed for anything later. Like you, I'd worry about the Son too. Look closely at "Your" choices with him and do also the best you can, it looks though .. you need to let go there too. She'll have the "Higher Word/Card" with her Son always, unless you Proof she crazy (sorry to be calling her that ) and his Father does not care for him.
Sorry it turned out a Nightmare for you, one can not always see the light at the other end of the Tunnel.

[Willy The Londoner]

Sorry but am I reading into this that the finances are a bigger concern that was imagined.  Many Chinese women believe that their menfolk have more money salted away in their home country than they admit to in China. 

You now say that you are trying to get her sisters to provide a plane ticket for her. Does that mean that your finances do not stretch to buying one yourself? Not a critsism but a question.  If so I think that your problem may well lie in the fact that she now fully realises that as a married couple she would be in such financial circumstances.  She could be struggling with a decision as to what she should do next. As I understand it she has her own money and could just go if that was her desire.

Money does play an important part in a good few of the Chinese-Foreigners relationship. More than some of you realise. Too many relationships have floundered after the women find that your wealth is not as they though it would always be.   

Much as we like to think that we married for love I wonder just how many wives always had it in the back of their mind that they would be financially secure by marrying a foreigner.  Those who have a regular income without having to rely on working for it then I can see you having few problems. But for others  I hope that the love is strong enough to survive the loss of a job or a downgrading in pay.

Willy