All About China > Understanding Chinese Women

How to convince wife to seek help

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Arnold:

--- Quote from: Vince G on December 06, 2011, 03:54:18 pm ---She may have a chemical imbalance which can cause mood swings. Is she rational in her actions? Does she swing at you for saying hello? or is it from anger in an argument? Does she get up in the middle of the night and put on makeup? sits in a rocking chair waiting for you to wake?
--- End quote ---

You have just discribed my Brother's Ex , that he left after some twenty years and one Daughter .. that was more than happy my brother left her . It drove both of them up the wall with her mood swings . A Cell Phone does not work after you drop it into your Coffee , just one of the things she would do out of the blue .
Getting the "RIGHT" Meds for those People is very difficult and then .. have them take it on a regular bases is another thing . Dumbo , I hope that she's is only Homesick and not be a case of Life Style .. that she had with Ex . How many years was she married to him , if we may ask ?
I think you are doing the best by convincing her to go back for a while and be with Family . Get this done and take it from there . How old is the Son ? Let's hope it doesn't effect him while Mom is gone .

Jason B:
I would be very careful about calling it bipolar.  I once went out and lived with for a time a girl who was diagnosed with bipolar.  There are a lot of trigger signs that can point towards this mental illness.  The most obvious one being manic.  Does she appear calm and collected , in control and happy go lucky sort of attitude, which we would term normal behaviour, for a period of time say a month or two months, and then not get out of bed, sad and depressed the next day without any foreseen reason?  Does she impulse buy things for no reason?  These are some signs of bipolar.  Medications can help if it is diagnosed properly.  Some famous people have bipolar and with meds lead very normal lives.  Stephen Fry is one that springs to mind.

There maybe underlying frustrations that have not or she feels can not be expressed, whether this is a language issue or an age difference issue I am unsure of, maybe a little more family dynamics explanation would be helpful to enable others to offer the best advice.  Ask the son has she behaved like this before?  Is this a side of his mum that he has not seen before?  It maybe a simple case of she is frustrated with everything at the moment, like you said your work times are not fixed and she could be expecting some more normal routines to help her adjust to moving to the US.  6 months is a while to be able to adjust, but everyone is different and if there is no definate patterns in her life and she is bipolar this could tip the balance.

Ask her friends and family if this is a normal behaviour pattern and then and only then seek mental illness intrevention as medication will help but not if it is misdiagnosed.  This does need to be sorted immediately for everyone concerned.  If it is not a mental illness I would recommend councelling for everyone of you to get to the bottom of what is causing this behaviour and then you can all make a better judgement on the way forward.  All of the advice you will receive here is from some one else's point of view and experiences.  They are not living your life and only you, your wife and son can come up with the answers to move forward, whatever way that maybe.

David E:
I dont know if we can even begin to fully understand what is going on with your Wife/your relationship, these are difficult and complex matters and for us to attempt to theorise about mental/medical conditions and treatments is unwise and unsafe.

But lets be very clear....when you arrive at physical violence, then you are a long way down a very slippery slope.

If you cant get your wife to acknowlege a problem and go to see a Doctor about it, maybe you can find some local Counselling Service that has Chinese Counsellors who may be able to begin a process, leading to a more rational approach to acceptance.

After about 5 months in US it is possible that she is in the train-wreck where reality meets unrealistic expectations.....especially from her perspective. Only you can fully understand what may have changed...have you looked deeply at yourself ?, have you continued to behave towards her in your "normal" day to day life as you did when you were courting her in China ? Do you feel that she had genuine expectations of life (prosperity) in US that are not being met ?. Has she become secondary to your daily grind of work, money and all the trivia that gets in the way...as we all know !!

If, on the other hand, she secretly had expectations of her new life that were totally unrealistic, then she will inevietably come to internal conflict at some time...maybe this is the time....how to fix this is impossible to say.....either she deals with the changes, or she doesn't. You cannot be responsible for her expectations UNLESS you led her to believe that her life would be something different to what it now is.

Either which way, it is essential that she gets some help. I regret to say that packing her off to China for a "rest" would not be my preferred strategy...you are putting a band-aid on a Cancer and hoping for a miracle cure !!!

For myself.....if my wife ever got to hit me, it would be a signal that a lot, lot, lot of other things have gone wrong before this....and she would only hit me once !!!...because the single air fare to China would be purchased the same day !!!

You need to deal with this quickly, personally and ultimately be prepared to walk away if all else fails

Just my 2 cents worth

Vince G:

--- Quote from: David E on December 06, 2011, 05:52:53 pm ---Either which way, it is essential that she gets some help. I regret to say that packing her off to China for a "rest" would not be my preferred strategy..
--- End quote ---

I didn't see it or mean it this way. To clarify, it may give her time to collect herself and realize if she has a problem? that she needs help, or whatever her problem is will surface for her to comprehend. If there is no other way? a comfort zone may help.

Willy The Londoner:
Hi Dumbo

I am not au fait with your history in this matter. I am only providing an insight into a reversed situation after I started to live in China Permanently.

I went through a period where I almost cut myself off from the World -   For awhile I DID actually miss being in the UK for a couple of months.  This was after I had been here for about 6 months.  I never got round to hitting anyone but I did start to feel frustrated at times. No English people to talk to, no contact with the Uk.

I found that by getting  more into the local life and chatting on skype both to people here and in the UK I soon got me over it.  BUT I did not have a close family. My sisters were scattered all over the place and we rarely go together so I had no one to really miss it was just a feeling of lonliness that came over me.

Before we all jump to conclusions just step back and question yourself and what has happened in past 5 months.

You son is at school and doing OK - kids are resiliant anyway - especially the under ten's.   I note that you was hoping a member could talk with her, so does that mean that there are no Chinese locally she is in contact with who she can just chat with? 

It is a major upheaval for most Chinese Woman to not only leave their country but more important, leaving what was probably a large extended family and going to a place where lonliness can be more of a problem.

I would say that he actions are more a cry for help.  Maybe hidden deep down she is hoping you will say that she can go back to China for a while.  How is her English? Is it good or is she still learning it. The lack of language can  add to lonliness especially if she does not feel confident in joining neighbours in a conversation.

As she has been away now for 5 months, have you  made any plans for a visit back to China yet.    You know that Chinese women rarely comes out and say's exactly what the problem is, they skirt around things.  Has she her own money to travel if she wanted to?

My wife went to ther UK with me on a vacation last year.  She said that she could never live there whcih suited me as I never want to live there again either. BUT if I had wanted to live there then she would have relocated there. BUT she would not have been happy about it. Heck when we were looking to buy an apartment here she was concerned about moving 5 miles away from all her family and friends and your wife has gone thousands of miles without being able to get a taste of life in the USA before the move.

I think that you must really consider offering her the chance of going back to China for the Chinese New Year. Of course doing that may mean that she will not return to the USA but regular trips back home could be the saviour of the marriage. A trip home in every school vaction could be just the ticket to bring back her happiness.    If she does not return home then that will be a risk but one worth taking for her future happiness.
 
Willy

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