It all changed so quickly...help

[2hip]

Okay, here is a messed up situation.  This lady from Wuhan has a 20 year old daughter.  She wants her to come along on the American K-1 visa.  I do not have a single problem with this.  But there are several time line issues here.  We have only known each other for several weeks and she wants to meet in February.  I am excited to do it also.  She is a very sweet girl and am delighted to meet her.  She said she will meet me in Beijing.
     Even if I popped off the plane and married her that week.  I still don't think we can get the K-1 visa done as quickly as needed.  Her daughter will be 21 in September.  So that gives us almost no time to process the K-1.  It is also is making me feel "under the gun" type of thing.  My original plan was to go spend a couple of weeks with her.  Go back in 2-3 months later and ask her to marry me and then start the process of K-1.  But she now has me chasing my tail looking at residency requirements, attorney visit to determine exactly how long a K-1 should take...and so forth.  You get the same message I am guys?

When I started to tell her it isn't as easy as she thinks the mood is a little different.  She quotes her friends saying it should only take 6 months and he did it himself.  I told her if even one thing goes wrong we can be over the deadline and her daughter is out of luck for quite sometime.  Her daughter is in the 3rd year of a design landscape degree.  I told Miss Wuhan that with the illegal immigration problem in California most legitimate landscape businesses have been decimated by under the table operators.  It would appear that her daughter would have to start out all over again in college.  This thing is rapidly spiraling out of control.

Any one know what the current K-1 application process is running in Usa?  What are your thoughts about this situation?  My goodness she is so nice lady, so sweet, so tender and playful with me.  But now it has turned to business and long term costs of the daughter are significant....help?

[Willy The Londoner]

I am not american (as is obvious) but be very careful. 

I met a guy here who married a woman with a daughter of similar age. He got them both to his own country.  Then within a couple of weeks the wife returned to China and the daughter is still in his home country.  Whether legally or not. 

It seems that the daughter will support the mother financially.

He told me that he found that this often happens and he ignored advice in the early stages that he should not have readily accepted an ultimatum from the women he had fallen in love with.

Willy

[David E]

2Hip

Marrying a Chinese Woman (or any woman for that matter) is a giant, complex, costly and over all, emotional step.

Keep it all at the pace you are comfortable with. Dont be pushed/pressured by this woman however beautiful and charming you think she is...this can change in a flash if she has ulterior motives (Daughter)

Old but true saying..."Marry in haste...repent at leisure"....

[Pineau]

She is pushing you and thinks she has you under her spell. When she says jump, don't answer "how high?" but  "why should I?". I would be so angry. I would not put up with the ground moving under my feet. I would push back or I would be gone.  Remember who is in controll and who is doing all the work here.   

[2hip]

thanks guys....Met her first time on Skype just a few minutes ago.  She still wants to meet in February.  But so much of our first conversation was about daughters visa and college education....she wants her to start all over.  I asked her if she had talked with her daughter about this and she said no.  Chinese mothers make these decisions.

Wow...this thing blew up in my face.  How I got from point A to Point B ...wow!!!???!!!

[RobertBfrom aust]

Just a silly question for this ongoing discussion , who is paying for daughters college education or uni , if it is mother then there is no reason why she cannot visit for quite a while like here in Australia , just a thought , regards Sujuan and Robert .

[john1964]

I agree with Gerry, To me it seems like she is pushing you, You also wrote that your first " Skype" session was mainly about her daughters visa and college education, I would imagine that your first few times talking on SKYPE would be to get to know each-other a lot more deeply and bring these things up later after you both have good feelings for each-other, Sorry mate, I would cut and run, John.

[Chong]

My personal advice ... don't marry on the first trip. I dated my wife in China for three months before marrying. But my situation didn't involve any children.

If everything's as rosy as it seems to be, you two ( and the daughter ) have a lifetime. Why rush things.

But what concerns me ( as indicated also by others ) is the main concern for the welfare of the daughter above yourself and your relationship. It's a mother's duty to look out for the best for her daughter. She can get any American man to arrange that. So look out for yourself first. Does this woman love you for who you are first and foremost ?

[Pineau]

Where is all the talk about each other and learning each other's personality? Where is the courtship, the giggles and the complements. The stupid phase of falling in love?

The more I think about this the more I think this woman has an agenda. She is not searching for a soulmate to cherish for all her days. She is looking for a way to complete her responsibilities to "HER" family and you are a means to an end.

This does not look like a love story. It sounds more like a project.  Sorry pal there a some better catches in China. Ones that will love you and cherish you and find a way to blend her family into yours. Not take away control of you life.

[2hip]

Guys,  thanks again for your insights.  It fell apart rapidly after the big K-1 push.  When I put the brakes on and told her that I wasn't rushing into marriage until I knew her it cooled rapidly.  I think she sent one more email stating we should become friends first.  I responded with her and said I agree.  But I told her it would be impossible to meet the deadline.  Her daughter would turn 21 before the 6-7 months American visa process and my need of confirmation that this was a real relationship and not a hidden agenda.  She is gone and I thank God I had good advice and instinct to tell me something wasn't right here.

[john1964]

2hip, glad to hear that you found out the hidden agenda before it was too late, Keep trying mate and you WILL find someone out her for you, This means she will probably be fishing for some-other poor bloke right now    Good luck to you, John.

[Vince G]

Keep self-guided rules:

Do not be the knight in shining armor in thinking your coming to her rescue.

Do not settle for one because she noticed you.

Do not fall into the Fluff wording.

Do not fool yourself in believing your over heels in love… until you al least meet F2F.

Keep your money in your pocket. Buying affection is short term.

Make alternative plans incase.

[Willy The Londoner]

Yes a narrow escape for one.

But who will be next to fall into the clutches of this anonymous woman?

If she was on Chnlove or any other agency then how about an ID number for her so that we can help protect those that are still to come.  We had a thread for this running once.

How about a reminder for all new comers of the thread that lists your partners. This threw up some interesting matches when it was used regularly.

Maybe one of the mods should have the responsibilty of contacting each new member by PM directing them to that thread and entering at least the id of the person they are talking with.  And also the mod maintains the list.

Willy

[ErnestWood]

 I have had similar experiences where women after a few weeks on chat and live camera want to get married and stay with you forever and ever. How ever in real life this does not work out so well. I live on the other side of the world. If the woman is not fluent in English and she is over 50 she will have a hell of a time getting adapting to a country and another culture also you have women with different agendas. I had A chinese lady staying in my house. She turned out to be the perfect housewife. Cooking, washing and laundering and scrubbing the floors. I was to hear this several times a day how she is scrubbing the floors and working her fingers to the bone for me. I never asked her to do this or expected her to do this. She did this all of her own effort. Of course hardly a week had gone by then she produced her papers of singularity and that we had to get married at once. YEs she was a superb house keeeper, nurse , cook, bottle and floorscrubber and wanted me to retire at once and live on her income like some well fed kept man as well. By and large she was a good hardworking woman but in the long run what would the future be with a woman " who scrubs her finger to the bone" and you have to hear this everyday?. As it was, she came to my country on her own steam and expense. but I was extremely reluctant to acceed to her requests. I did not get married to her. There were too many unanswered quetions.With all the rules and regulations governing marriage and the division of property etc. one has to think everything out carefully.Even when you meet the person and stay with the person on your home turf. Best wishes