2nd Time Around

[Willy The Londoner]

I wondered how those who have had one or more previous marriages (or proposing a further marriage) consider their chances of not having failures this time round. Of course this question does not apply to those who were made widowers.

What have you changed, or proposing on changing, in your way of life from the last time/s to reduce the risk of a failure ocurring again?

There are a few on us on here whose marriage is the first so I ask this out of interest. 

I also note that many have had problem with divorces, custody and child care and wonder why your risking going through all this again.

Willy

[David E]

Willy

Just from my perspective.....

Like you, I aint young anymore  . I had a long term marriage with 2 children and we just grew apart over time, especially when the kids grew up. We both sorta drifted into seperate lives and ultimately divorced, that was in 1999. She had a very smart Lawyer and it all cost me an arm and a leg, I even had to buy her out of my Business as she was a Director. This left me with no option but to work like a dog to get back my financial safety.

I felt at the time that I did not want to do this all again, for a start, I had no experience in relationships outside of my marriage, I did not know how to start off on this track again in the modern World, where women seemed to want entirely different things from a marriage than they did when I got married the first time (1964). I had done pretty well for myself financially and got the feeling that all the women I came into contact with saw me as a cosy life for the future, a meal ticket and that sort of stuff.....in short I was a real "committment phobic "...with good reason (IMO)

A good friend of mine met and married a georgeous Russian woman on Internet, and I was very envious of him  ...luckily (for me) I saw how this panned out over 2 awful years for him as she ran him ragged and evewntually skinned him for lots of money. This reinforced my views on steering clear of longterm relationships in the future.

But life gets a bit pointless when you are older and on your own, it IS lonely at times and the main cure seemed to be work, work, work...which I got more and more to realise was a "non-life"

Sure, I had many dates and managed somehow to get my wiper fluid changed at regular intervals ( )...but it was all a bit meaningless.

My Lawyer is a Chinese Man by descent and he talked to me a lot about the qualities of Chinese women.......I half listened and one day decided to do an internet search and found CHNLove........

And you all know the rest of the story !!!!

In summary, when you find someone who you KNOW is right for you and she KNOWS you are right for her, then all the previous fears and uncertainties, the possibilities for another disaster, the concern for having to reinvent your life again...they all disappear, they dont figure. I was (and still am) ready to do anything for us as a couple, with the greatest of pleasure, We cannot know with CERTAINTY that this will last for ever, but we both will try our dammdest to make it so....you just get that knowlege and feeling that it is all worth it.

I have grown a lot emotionally in the long time I spent on my own (and I recommend this to anybody who divorces after a lengthy marriage...dont jump straight back in again...you aint ready yet ) I know more about my own wants and needs now than I ever did and I sincerely believe I know enough about the value of a loved partner to make sure that I contribute properly to the welfare of our partnership.

Having said that...I know there are only 2 guarantees in life...death and taxes 

[john1964]

Having said that...I know there are only 2 guarantees in life...death and taxes   

AND GOING BALD

[David E]

Having said that...I know there are only 2 guarantees in life...death and taxes   

AND GOING BALD

Not according to Ashley Martin...and a squillion dollars 

[Willy The Londoner]

Having said that...I know there are only 2 guarantees in life...death and taxes 

So as I now avoid paying any taxes I just got the other to look forward too.  Oh well I hope I avoid paying taxes for a few more years to come.

Willy

[maxx]

I think maturity Responsibility.I was real young the first time I was married.Me and my friends were always sneaking off to the clubs.You sneak off to the clubs.There is other woman there.One thing leads to another.It is all history from there.I haven't ben clubbing in years.I don't spend my money on my own little whims anymore.

I can't speak for the other members here.But when you bring your wife to your country.You really do feel responsible for them.A Chinese woman has as many miss conception about America.As we have about China when we started this little journey.So you really have to watch out for them.And teach them how your country works.So you spend allot more time with your new wife.Then you did with your previous wife.So in theory you get to know the new wife better.Because for a short while they are real dependent on you to show them the way.

I think maturity has got allot to do with it.If you look at the male members age here.most are between the age of 40 to 60 years old.It takes somebody with allot of patience.more then a few dollars.and somebody who has a good idea in what they want in a life partner.

I still believe that this could go bad at anytime.So everyday you try a little harder.The woman tries a little harder.So you do tend to put more of yourself into this kind of relationship.Then say a relationship with somebody from your own country.I think just knowing that you are responsible for somebody Else's safety and wellfare makes you work that much harder to keep the relationship strong.

[Vince G]

You knew I had to post something here.

What can I say, I like the company of women. There isn't any change to make. First marriage I was 20 yo she was a year older. Divorced at 23 yo. I have been talking to her lately about this. Problem was the mother in law and a few other episodes that I knew it wasn't how I wanted to live life. No kids with this one.

In between marriages I was somewhat engaged four times. Out of the four was only one that I should have married the other three told people we were getting married but I didn't ask them? Then I met the second wife and we all know that story. I kick myself for not seeing it. Then again she should get a award for her acting ability.

Though I still travel locally and within the country (ahem) I enjoy traveling with a woman. Just the company of a woman that is also a friend sharing feelings, thoughts and laughter I am ready for again. I am Loyal to those that deserve it and it seems to be lacking with many today. I don't think there will be any change on my part.

[Arnold]

Did "I" have to change anything my second time around?
Yes of course, away from the Romantic side/ Loyalty/Honesty.. I did have to learn to except a "Totally" different kind of Wife. I of course (through this search with Chnlove) learned to have much more Patience in ALL fields, what a Partnership concerns. I fast realized, that Qing was a Woman with one "Trade" less! Over the thirty years with my first Wife, the one thing I had a hard time with.. was her Jealousy. With NO reason whats so ever, it was thrown my way many times. That is such a bad habit that I really dispice in any Woman.
This is what I don't have to live with now and to pay her back for that, I just continue to be myself like I've always been.
Like Maxx said, Qing has the most to change here with me and I'm willing of course to do my best to help her with "Her" changes.

[Jason B]

When I got married the first time I was still in the Navy and was married for about 10 years I was 23 and she was 21.  I would lead the married life when at home and play Jack the lad when away, but with no hanky panky as I took my marriage vows very seriously.  Pity the swamp donkey didn't.  Anyway when I found out I packed a bag and just left.  So basically I just left and she got everything.  I didn't want it anyway as to my thinking it was all tarnished with her infidelity.

Anyway was a long time before I got back on my feet, there are no answers at the bottom of a beer bottle!! I know I looked.  By this time I was due to leave the Navy and took some time off to travel around Europe and North America.  Got myself another job with Railcorp as a train driver but still no real direction in life.  I was living with my brother and not having much of a life when one day there was an add for China Love it may have been on facebook. 

The rest of the story follows just about everyone elses here.  The main difference is we did not have any children in the first marriage thankfully and Xia is pregnant now and I do not think that she would ever cheat nor would I.

[Pineau]

Willy,
I know that I am not perfect and I have made a lot of mistakes that contributed to the demise of former marriages. In the past I have been dominant and controlling and at times arrogant.  Because of the age difference I tended to be overbearing in forcing my decisions as law rather than listening to other points of view.

I made the very stupid mistake of thinking that because I am white I am the preferred choice for a Chinese woman. How utterly absurd. If anyone else has this racist attitude you had best loose it right now. I have been told in no uncertain terms that most Asian woman prefer the Asian man just because it is natural and makes sense. Us western guys are lucky because mom and dad brought us up differently than Asian men. We are polite, considerate of women, more family oriented and much better lovers. Holding down a good job and bringing home a good paycheck helps too. Those are some of the qualities that make western men more "attractive" as husbands.

Id say this time around it is better than 50% chance of success. There are no guarantees that this wife will be my last. I can tilt the scale in my favor by being diligent and not becoming too comfortable with the status quo.   I am paying more attention to this one. I know what to look for and I know that I need to change to improve my odds of a happy and long term marriage this time around. And because of past experiences I keep my ears and eyes wide open ALL the time. I spend a lot of time talking and more time listening. 

I also see a problem with communications. I do not speak Chinese (Cantonese). Fiona's English is good enough for day to day communications.  But when it comes to communicating feelings, anxieties, frustrations and anger we are worlds apart. This is so very important to be able to communicate your feelings in you own language. It contributed to Jing's affair with a man that spoke perfect Chinese. She found someone she was able to share her feelings with other than her husband. Unfortunately it did not stop there and ultimately destroyed the marriage. So this time around I am going to try to learn Chinese or at least get her a bilingual girlfriend that that serve as a go-between for those times we are just not understanding each other.

As for sex....Just pay attention and take good care of your home work. Women are animals too and will get derailed just as easily as a man given the right circumstances.  I am now and intend to be very diligent in this area. enough said.

[Scottish_Robbie]

Having said that...I know there are only 2 guarantees in life...death and taxes   

AND GOING BALD

  That to my reaconing is 3 mate !!! 

[shaun]

Rob, That isn't fair.  You know those boys down under can count. 

[Jason B]

don't be like that shaun everyone in Oz counts one, two skip a few 7, 8 etc.

[shaun]

Ha....   Maxx must have changed my post.   

[David E]

don't be like that shaun everyone in Oz counts one, two skip a few 7, 8 etc.

And we can spell too..........