Is suicide an option to kill pain

[2hip]

Met my lady from Urumqi.  Doesn't speak hardly a word of English.  But we got by with electronic translator.  Now she is home and so am I.  We were to spend two weeks together in Sanya on Hainan island.  After a week I bolted for home.  I had never lived with a person 24/7 who did not speak my language.  The moment she walked out of the airport smiling at me and waving goodbye I began to tear up.  I knew I had panicked and wouldn't see her for many many months.

Her mother just died and my lady is a psychological wreck.  She cries on the phone and we have no common language.  My feelings are so intense and helpless for her.  I can do nothing.  I offered to send flowers and she wrote back not to do it.   I am missing her very badly.  I am the orginal village idiot for panicking.  We have had long conversations with her English speaking daughter and all seems well between the two of us

I married a Russian lady who died of breast cancer so I have been through this scenario of being in love and being separated from one another for long periods of time.  But I think maybe I have gone soft in the head in the last 12-13 years.  The separation anxiety seems 10 times worse now.  Did you guys suffer like this while trying to get your woman here?  I am whacked in the brain at this point.  It has only been several weeks and the pain doesn't seem to be subsiding yet.  If I wasn't so freaking close to retirement I would just throw it all to the wind and go live there until it was over with.  But that wouldn't just be shooting yourself in the foot it would be bi-pedal amputation

[maxx]

2hip just be there for your lady.She doesn't need the flowers or the candy.Just be there for her.Give her someone outside of her family to talk to.Be a friend before anything else.

Wow I guess you did have a panic attack.They usually have to drag me screaming and kicking.To get me on a plane to come back to the states.China is such a interesting place.With allot to see and do.I'm hardly ever bored when I'm there.

Ok so what have you done to try to make this work.What has your lady done to try to make this work.Ok you went to China.You bought the Besta translater.You have ben talking to the lady threw the translator.So you came you saw you hid under the hotel bed.Do you speak any Chinese?Doe's your lady friend speak any English?

when I started this journey back in 2006.I spoke one word of Chinese.My wife spoke 2 words of English.So we both knew this wasn't going to work.Unless we learned to communicate with each other.So my wife starts learning English.I start learning Chinese.It was tough in the beginning but by helping each other learn the other persons language and customs.We have managed to work are way threw this.

2hip I'm making a judgment call here.So forgive me if I'm wrong.I think you are to tightly wrapped.You need to relax and just go with the flow.And ride this thing threw.This little journey.Is not for the faint of heart.Or those that stop when it gets a little ruff.So man up and lets do this thing.

The time apart is rough on usually of us.There is a guy on her who spent 2 1/2 years trying to get his wife to his country.But he stuck it out.He Made as many trips to China as he possibly could.And him and his wife got threw this.When my wife and I were going threw the visa process.I used to fly to China about every 2 to3 months.And stay for a couple of weeks.If there is a will there is a way.

So lets get started.Start with Emails to her.Use small words and short sentences.After a couple of days.Move to Skype or QQ.Almost every woman in China has a qq account.Learn some Chinese and learn a little about China.If you show the lady some interest in her.Customs culture and language.She will show you the same interst in your customs culture and language.

Next time your in China.And you feel like your getting ready to panic.Just slow yourself down.And think it threw..

[john1964]

2hip, your not the only one suffering from separation anxiety,As for tearing up at the airport, Your not the only one, I have been home for 5 weeks now and my wife is constantly on my mind, When she fell and broke her wrist I felt helpless too, I too had never lived with anyone who does not speak my language and it was tough, Sometimes I wanted to cut my first trip short and run but I stayed in Beijing until my then, new friend went home, I have returned 4 times since our first time together in Beijing and the separation anxiety is stronger than ever, I would love to join her until her passport is returned and then we could both travel back here together but it is out of the question for me right now, Communication is the key brother, Learn a few simple words in Chinese and ask the daughter if she can teach her mother a little too, Reading your post and writing this reply has made my anxiety a little stronger, I am now waiting for my Chinese wife to come on line so i can see her constant smile and we can discuss her day,  Thanks brother, It feels good to be alive, John .

[Willy The Londoner]

The day I met my wife I had a fewwords of English, she had none at all. She had never learned it because until this sprightly debonair, remarkably handsome old fellar came into her life marrying a foreigner had never crossed her mind.

From that day we was together for hours every day then eventually we shared an apartment then months later we married.  Even when we married we had little conversation between us.  But now we chat in a mixture of English Chinese.

It takes time, you need patience, you both need patience and it will come together.

Whilst you are away just rung her. Nothing long just a few words of chinese you must have used here or a few words of English that she may have learned.

Thats all it needs. Get onto skype or some other free video calling method but keep the chats short but regular.  I tried QQ but never got it to work but Skype was never a problem.

You can spend months learning Chinese and her English but I found that if either of you does not use the others regularly you will lose what you learn. 

The funniest thing in my house is my wife speaking in English and me replying in Chinese.

Willy

[2hip]

thanks guys for the remarks.  We do QQ on a fairly regular basis before and after the Sanya adventure.  The day I told her that i would fly home a week early she cried.  She asked me, in her exact english, "is relation over".  I told her no it was not over.  I do not think she could understand at that point why I was leaving early.  But that evening we walked the long beaches in Sanya Bay for hours.  Tender and gentleness came from her.  She is just remarkable woman to me.  Now I just beat myself every other second for blowing this time with her.  I will tell you what though...When she walked away from me at the airport and by the time I landed in Beijing I was fully aware of how deeply embed this woman is in my heart.  Brings to mind the old adage of "you don't know the value of something until you lose it".

I have been through this process before of long seperation so I am fully aware of how tough it is.  But this time it just seems to much worse.  Maybe something about losing my wife has made me schizo about having things taken away from me. 

We work on her english everytime we are on QQ for 1-2 hours at a time.  Work on pronoun, verbs, and the past, present , and past tense.  I speak fairly decent Russian, 6 years of German, Spanish in medical terminology...but my GOODNESS  Chinese is kicking my butt.  Reading and writing would require me to quit work and become a full time failing student.  Not much grey matter left upstairs.

Thanks for all the advice and trust me I heard every word of it.  I am just grateful there is a forum like this in nature

[RobertBfrom aust]

I hope you can make it back there soon Zhip , with a lovely Chinese lady what you say you will do , you will do or all bets are off , to them 2 weeks is 2 weeks or 10 days is still 2 weeks , so until you do a return visit she is only living day by day , you leaving early has meant she has lost face with her friends , along with the death in her family which will not have helped .
 Yes Chinese is hard to learn , but my better half did not speak 1 word of English when she arrived here in Australia , but we have never had a problem communicating , she speaks a lot of Chinglish , but her daughter who went back to China at the beginning of last year to study speaks almost perfect English .
 Keep chatting and see where it leads , good luck , Sujuan and Robert .