A Chinese Christmas in Australia

[Peter Arnold]

Hi guys, It has been a long time since I have been on this site. I had to unhook from my obsession of finding a Chinese woman. It was too painful as I felt like I had hit a real dead-end.
I was out of work for nearly 6 months here in my home town. And I experienced upheaval in my renting situation. I spent some months living in temporary accommodation. I spent 1 month living in an old bus at my good friends house, and 1 month at my sisters.

But I managed to turn my life around and have had work ever since. Unfortunately it has been bathroom renovations for a niece, and 2 bathrooms for a good friend whom I built a kitchen for 13 years ago. The work has almost killed me. Being down on your hands and knees at 57 takes its toll. I have had to have chiro, physio and now acupuncture work to remedy my RSI, tennis elbow and back problems. I hit the wall about 6 weeks ago. The acupuncture has been the most successful. They inject a saline solution to prolong the effect on the meridian. I call it super-charged Acupuncture.

I finally got in the right space to ask my Chinese masseuse out on a date. I have since discovered that there are many men waiting in the wings to be in her life. I had a very pleasant evening with her, but she explained that as her daughter is expecting in January, she does not want to be in a relationship as this would distract her from looking after her daughter.
My problem was that I was very fond of her. She is such a sweet, caring, sensitive woman. That is why so many men want her in their life. When I was at her massage clinic, there was a guy behind me, also wanting a massage from her,  who was also fond of her.   

I will try and cut to the chase. I was still on QQ talking with some female friends, when my previous lady came on and asked if I would teach her some relevant English for her yoga class as she had some Israeli students staying in Harbin. So I agreed, and we got on fine. Then one evening I told her I would like to meet her in Guilin as it looks like a beautiful city. She told me that she wanted to come to Australia to teach her yoga, and asked me if she could come and stay with me.

I still have a soft spot for Candy ( no pun intended). I could feel her pulling on my heart strings, so I said we could try and get her a 3 month tourist visa, and see if we can make a go of it together.The good news is that with my experience and ingenuity, and her good luck, we were granted a 3 month visa last week. I was so thankful to the visa officer. His name was Anthony, and we couldn't have gotten a nicer guy. I think the women are too strict.
I sent photos of Candy and I together in Harbin, a copy of my flight itinerary, and my receipt for the engagement ring I gave her. I told them we were still engaged, which wasn't untrue. They rang her after only 3 weeks, and then asked me to ring her case officer. That was quite an ordeal to get the phone extension from Candy, otherwise it is impossible to get through to a real person in Shanghai immigration.

The other process that was very frustrating was sending money using Western Union. When I sent money using the online process, they ask for their first name and last name. I know it sounds obvious, but to me, their first name is their last, and vice versa. Her full name as it appears on her identity card is CHAI CUIXIA. It would be simpler if they asked for their family name and given name to simplify things.
What made it harder for me was that I first went to the Post Office and filled out a form. I gave the wrong name as I thought she had a middle name. I put CHAI CUI XIA. When she tried to redeem the money, they said no way sweetheart, even though she had the transaction number.
Then the second time I sent it as CUIXIA CHAI. Then I thought, I have got it wrong as this is not the way it appears on her identity card, so the efficient Indian call centre woman changed it to CHAI CUIXIA. But it was wrong again.
So eventually it sunk in that her ' first name' means her given name, and her 'last name' means her family name.  Maybe I always make it harder than it really is!
But she eventually got the money to pay her very king nephew back for the visa application.
Candy is very, very excited and happy to be coming here. I am also looking forward to it. I have planned many day trips and a few days camping at my ex- brother-in-laws caravan park on the Nymboida river in northern NSW. She will have Christmas with my family. I haven't broken the news yet. I told Candy that it will be my jiejie (older sister) she will have to impress and get past . I also told her my mother is a tough nut to crack. I am sure she will 'sweet talk' her way through the process.
So we are having  'Chinese' for Christmas.
Sorry this letter is so damn long. I had to condense 6 months of my life into writing.
I also landed the best rental accommodation I  have ever had. I live in a separate 2 bedroom  granny flat with an 84 year old landlord living in his separate  house . I also have my own gazebo to entertain on.
This man has no children and never married, and wants to include me in his will when he passes. So, if I am still here when he passes, I can buy the property at a considerably reduced rate, and rent the granny flat or house to pay any mortgage I need.
Okay, enough. Thanks for reading if you got this far.
Wish me luck.

[Scottish_Robbie]

Hi peter, nice story mate with a good ending..Best of luck buddy 

Robbie

[Willy The Londoner]

I don't want to be the one to put a damp towel on this but take care.  I think that the way I read it her one intention is to get to Australia and you have supplied the ideal and apparently successful way.  I hope I am wrong for your sake.

I just have a nagging feeling that you should not read too much into her intentions.  From what you say it seems like she is more intent in getting into Australia to teach her Yoga than to restart the relationship with you but I could be wrong. 

I really wish you well as you are going through a time in your life when you could be vunerable. I know at your age I was going through the same sort of process.   Fifteen years later I think about those times and the mistakes I could have made.  Luckily I had an older friend on hand who put me right.

Christmas, she will not know what to do.  As this is her first trip outside of China then forget the Turkey and all the trimmings, it may look nice but the chances it will probably not be to her taste. They are foods she has probably not experienced.  During the hectic Christmas period you are going to have to make sure that there is rice and foods that she is comfortable with.

If her English is not very good then she is going to be left stranded while everyone around her is chatting.  Christmas is not going to be the exciting time you imagine it is going to be. 

The sending money worries me.  Unless she has just finished education, in which case she would be far too young for you, then I know of very few women in China that do not have a sum of money in the bank or tucked under the mattress. I have a feeling that you also paid for her flight to Australia.  I wonder how many Chinese relatives/friends she has been in contact with awaiting her arrival.

As I say I do not want to be the one to cast doom and gloom over things but take care and be prepared for the let down that others of your age have suffered in such circumstances.

But there again I am an eternal pessimist.

Willy

[Peter Arnold]

Hi willy. Thanks for your comments. This woman is 53 years old. She gets about AU$200 a month on her pension.
She has very little savings, as she had to submit these details in her visa application. So to me, the money for the visa application was small change for me.
Yes, she would like to live in Australia and her passion is to teach yoga, which she is very good at. I have been to her classes and seen her students. We all have desires and needs and wants, and I do not have an issue with this.
But of course it has to work for me as well. I will not be in a relationship if I do not feel that we are supportive of each other. I am not in a hurry to be locked into a permanent relationship if there is no chemistry or if I do not feel support and love from a partner.
I also have a part of me that is wary of being used as a meal ticket.
I am very aware of how she may feel in the company of my family and friends when she cannot speak English. I spent many grueling hours with her family in Harbin. So I will endeavor to make sure she is being included and take her aside to check in with her.   

[Willy The Londoner]

That sound good Peter. 

The age is ideal so I wish you all the best in the coming togetherness.

A lady of that age will realise more than others the importance of a good man.

Willy

[joeswuhandream]

hi peter ,  i think another tough  insight of life and a Chinese relationship ,
however  i hope everything turns out right ,   
Willy had some harsh words of your situation , but willy had a points to make  bearing in mind what you have gone through  and of course you could be vulnerable at this time , so i think Willy as kept your  feet firmly on  the  ground and not let your heart rule your head .
 Your lady is 53 , so in my opinion i think her intentions are honarable ? after all i am opposite from WILLY  always  the  optimistic  one 
i hope peter everything works out for you  and i also hope you can earn sufficient funds during this world recession to get bye on
good luck  to you and your lady 
regards  Joe and Sophia

[Willy The Londoner]

Far better to be pessimistic Joe.

They are happy all the time whereas an optimist are only happy half the time.

If an optimist is expecting something good to happen and it does they are happy.  But if that expected something does not happen then they are unhappy.

Whereas a pessimist does nor expect something good will happen and if it does he is happy.  If it does not happen he is happy because he was right in the first place.

Since I heard the age of his lady I changed my position a little.  At that age she is going to be a good choice and it is probably the reason she received the visa so soon. 

I hope it works OK for Peter - he has had enough to deal with in the recent years.

Willy


Willy

[Peter Arnold]

Okay guys, I have a problem, and I would like some opinions or advice.
I have a very good friendship with my ex-girlfriend , and also a reasonable one with my Ex-defacto and mother of my two boys. I told my ex-girlfriend that I had manged to get Candy a visa, and that I would drive down her way to go to Byron Bay beach when Candy is here. She suggested we could get together for a picnic with herself and her boyfriend. I have no problems with either my Ex GF and Ex defacto having boyfriends. I am happy for them both. I hold no grudges or animosity.
But when I mentioned this to Candy, she said that she does not like this woman ( meaning my ex GF). I told her I could not understand how she could not like her when  she hasn't even met her. But of course I know why she said this.
This is not the first instance of not liking my friends. I had asked my Chinese friend Melody, to talk with Candy after the visa officer spoke with her, so that I could be better prepared to talk with the same visa officer.
My problem is that Melody does not like Candy. She has not said this to Candy, but Candy has picked up on this.
I told her that I need the two of them to get on, as Melody is a very good friend, and is willing to help me/ us. She has many Chinese connections in my area.
Okay, the question is about how to approach this 'jealousy' problem, as to me it is just poison to a relationship. Candy has said that she will basically be civil to my friends, but I can see that this could be an ongoing problem.
What I am asking to the more experienced guys and also maybe your wives, is this jealousy a cultural attitude, or do you think it is a personal insecurity problem.
The other issue I have had with Candy is her vanity. I see both of these issues under the umbrella of insecurity.
How do I tackle this issue without getting her offside, and help her to want to confront her insecurity.
I do not want to sweep this problem aside, but would like to be able to, with some compassion, help her and me to address this issue.
The way I see it, Candy has not even landed in this country, and she already dislikes two of my close friends.
I know this does not sound like a good recipe already, but I would like to address the problem before it festers 

[Arnold]

Well Peter, I will put myself into your Shoe's.
 
First; your right Jealousy is Poison!
Second; the first problem with the Ex-GF and Candy... "You" need to choose between a Good Friend or a Good Wife. I don't think you can have both here.
Thirdly; with your Ex-Wife... Candy will have to make the compromise and live with that, as your Kids are involved there. She has no choice but to except them or bust.

The one thing I need to applaud you, is... that you are pinching this in the "Butt" before your Married and makes it harder for all.

Candy now visiting you is a perfect time to study/analyse her reactions to both your problems very well, so pay very close attention.

I very much think you (both of you) will come to an exceptable agreement after her visit.

Good Luck!

[RobertBfrom aust]

Peter , I do not think it is insecurity , most Chinese ladies I know would not like their male friends to parade their ex's as most , but not all want nothing to do with their ex's , in other words especially at first when she arrives she would want you to consentrate on her and not be parading her as look at who I am dating now .
 My ex visits my home quite often to tidy my sons end of the house and i always make sure that he or his girlfriend [ yes she is Chinese ] are home or I am not , it was probably 3 or 4 months into our relationship living together before I introduced Sujuan to my ex and now they are shopping friends ha ha . Never forget that for most ladies over 40 they have been made to lose face by their husbands wanderings so think like she has your full attention and let whatever happens when she arrives happen , the past is past .
 Sujuan and I often go dancing on a Friday or Saturday night and very often there are a lady or 2 that I dated before meeting Sujuan and they have been introduced , but only in a group situation so they are just part of the dance scene and never talked about as an ex , regards Sujuan and Robert .

[maxx]

Ok It's late so hang with me on this.All your lady knows is Chinese customs.And how Chinese men treat them.And as we all know here Chinese men don't have a good track record.So that being said.Your lady isn't acting Jealous.She is just waiting for the other shoe to drop.What I mean is she is just waiting for you to dump her.And get back with the ex or the other Chinese woman.Why would she think this?Because this is what she has seen happen to her friends.And her relatives.and no matter how you try to tell her the other woman isn't important to you.In your ladies mind.The other lady is the one who is gong to mess up her relationship with you.

Peter don't put your self in the position to be thought of as a butterfly.If your lady thinks you are a butterfly.This dance is over before it has started.The last thing in the world your woman wants is for you to paraide your ex in front of her.Or your other woman friends.Chinese do not think like people from the west.

If you are bound and determend to do this thing.I would suggest.That you take Robert from Aussie land suggestion.And just let it  happen.and what ever you do.Do not make a big deal out of this with your lady.You are walking on thin ice hear.

[Peter Arnold]

Thanks guys. I have taken it all on board, and feel that I need to make allowances for her attitude. It may be that she needs to know that she is the only important female in my life. I am okay with that.
I do know of the prevailing attitude of Chinese men. Candys' husband actually drank himself to death. (There seems to be a pattern emerging for me with these Chinese women.) So infidelity was not her husbands problem, but I can see that this can be in the back of their female minds.
I do believe there is a cultural divide between Chinese and Australian women when it comes to men having female friends.

[Willy The Londoner]

Well Peter before you get to caught up in this I do recall that right from the start is was a matter of you getting back with her.  She already has it in her mind that you are a butterfly as Maxx puts it.  She thinks that maybe you will meet up with her in Aus and be going between her and your ex's.  She may think that you operate in a small circle that means your friends are three women that you had previous relationships with and maybe she is wondering how many times you have tried to reform relationships with the other two like you are trying to do with her.

But also as you said her main reason in getting into Australia was to teach yoga and you possibly getting together again came as an afterthought or even a means to an end.  I do not know which or maybe she is setting out her case in that it is her alone or nothing.   OK others call this insecurity but if the boot was on another foot would you not be concerned if you were going to a completely strange country and the person you was meeting had other interests apart from yourself.

OK in a few months she may realise that you are sincere and that she is your first choice but before that day comes I can see problems developing over this.  Maybe she does thing that she will just be the butt of comparisons between the ex's or she may be afraid if she gets too close to them she may say something that she would have rather kept to herself. 

The other thing is, just how good is her English, maybe that is the problem if she does not think that she will be able to communicate with them well.  I know that this was a concern with my wife on our trips back to the UK where we was going to see new people on each trip.

Could she be just wanting to keep you and others at arms length until she make a decision but I think you should be aware that a Chinese women rarely falls in love for loves sake.  I doubt if many on here had cupid on both their shoulders when they met their now wifes.  If the wife did not feel that a man would bring her some substantial benefit then being together would simply not have happened.   

Even in the short term Australia is going to give her some good opportunities for meeting eligible men with a few dollars in the bank.

I think you should think long and hard about just what you want from this relationship and spell it out from the start just what you expect.  It may mean that she will met you at the airport say' hello' and then 'goodbye' as she goes it alone.  But at least you will know just where you stand.

Willy

 

[Peter Arnold]

Okay, I need to update my experience with a somewhat immature Chinese woman who conned me. She has been (was) the most difficult woman I have ever had to deal with in a relationship. Her 'modus operandi' is to charm people to get what she wants. But she has nothing substantial to offer people or a man when she thinks she has what she wants. Today, having previously changed her flight to the 1st January, I went out with my two sons to get away from her and her pouting. When I arrived home, she was gone. I suspect that she was up until 3 am this morning organizing a contact to pick her up. She must have arranged it from Harbin, as she has no contacts here. Anyway, she is gone, but I am concerned that she will not leave the country. Her Visa runs out on the 30th February. I will notify the Australian immigration department ASAP.
What a bloody nightmare it was with her. There are too many stories to tell about her attitude. I will not waste my time telling the episodes she had here. My life can only get better from here on.
I feel conned and am appalled at her lack of gratitude for the time, money and effort and concern I had for her.
I remember 'China Shark' saying that we only here about the men that are successful on this forum. Well mine has been anything but successful.
So all I can do is make sure that I inform immigration and that she leaves the country.

[Willy The Londoner]

Well Peter I am truly sorry to hear that this have gone awry.

As you know I had my doubts over this choice right from early November.

But that said it is never easy to have to come to terms with such an outcome.

But I am sure that you will pick yourself up and dust yourself down once more.

At least when I got dropped after arriving here in 2009 she did her goodbyes by text it wasn't just a disappearing act.

But I would be surprised if she did in fact have no contact in Australia - Chinese ladies are very resourceful.

But I probably know of as many, if not more, failed relationships as there have been lasting ones amongst the Forum members.  Many have just gone quietly away to lick their wounds without telling all the woes they have been through.

It is my own opinion that the successful ones are probably now in the minority. 

Willy