Jealousy issue. What's your experience in the matter?

[Rhonald]

Are you guys sure they're all the same?

Maybe you're right, but it seems like you're lumping every woman of Chinese ethnicity into the same boat.

My woman doesn't like to spend money AT ALL, unless it will get her more money. When she does, she only likes to spend it on what is necessary.

Smaug, do you realise that your statement basically implies the same that Willy has mentioned

Your right Robert. They like to spend. But as you say they like to spend on what they want to spend it on, not what they HAVE to spend it on.

Willy

First off, since you do not have her living with you in the USA, you have no idea what her strategy will be. I can tell you that with my wife, I have to pay the household bills. She does buy her own groceries since she is partial to Chinese food, while I am not to fond of her cooking. So I buy food for my son and me while she buys food for herself and her son. But out side of this she saves and her major purchases is for her part-time business, which I seem to also help in the cost but never see any return on investment.

And as to what Arnold stated about grouping - If 8 out of 10 form members state that this is how their own wife behaves, then it is a statistic not a grouping. Most of the members here have married women from the same cultural age group, so most women from the same age group will share similar behaviours. Sure there are the outliers and exceptions, but our advise is not negative but pro active. It is like saying that if you plan on travelling the Guandong province in Springtime, then make sure you bring a rain jacket. I did and when I went and meet Chong in Kaiping, I wish I also had brought a fleece jacket because I was dam cold that trip.

Smaug, as to asking my wife what she thinks of your Jealousy question, I would like to help out, but her English is not yet strong enough to fully understand the incident to give her view point. She does mention though, many times about other Chinese ladies that she has meet here, that if they have a good grasp on English, but a low end job, or have been living here many years with still bad English skills, that the person has lost face. Yes as China Bound has mentioned, you should take all advice with a grain of salt, just like every time I have an injury or illness, I have to take some Chinese medicine (the few times she goes out of her way to buy me things) just one way a Chinese woman will show she cares. But jealousy issues, seems to me that my wife is always measuring herself against other immigrant Chinese ladies that losing face is the more important measuring stick. I don't know how the other members can say about their own wife's approach to face or jealousy.

[David E]

Ming's approach to jealousy.........

Whenever we are in the company of other people, especially where there are women...both Western and Chinese, I can tell she is always weighing up my reactions to them !! She would never come straight out with a comment on jealousy, but I get many "trick" questions about hair styles, dress sense, size of boobs etc  ...to which I always respond by reinforcing that she is the best of them all !!!!...it saves a lot of angst. I know she is fiercely jealous of any potential threats to her position from other women.

My approach to jealousy..........

I am content if other Men around us pay her attention....but she is free to do what she wants. If she decided to go off with another Man, then that is her business....I cant stop it and it is pointless to try. Whilst our relationship is strong, any interaction with other men (at work or socially) is harmless. If ultimately, our relationship is weak, then she might stray......it's really out of my hands. To screw my brain up constsntly with fears/concerns about her fidelity is an excercise in total frustration and I wont play that game.

Ming's approach to "face"

This is critically important, she constsntly measures many things in terms of better or less than better face.......what car, what sort of home, what sort of English skills, what sort of job. Almost all character traits in friends and aquaintances is quickly measured in terms of face. She ends up with poor opinions of those who (in her estimation) have lost face by what they have or what they have or have not done. It took me quite a while to come to grips with this because in my terms it is a shallow and peripheral way of judging a person........but I now understand it is far more subtle and profound than that !!!

In any environment you might well notice that a Chinese person is never wrong, there is always some external force or event that caused a problem...never themselves, because to admit that would cause a loss of face. So much of how Ming behaves in front of other people is all about the preservation and enhancement of face.

A liitle "for instance":

We have our main TV (64 inch LED, 3 D capable) in out home Theatre, with all the surround sound, bells and whistles.

In our other lounge room we have a small old fashioned TV that was built into a cabinet that is part of the room furnishings.
When one of her friends came round for tea, she was awed by our home Theatre...but when she saw the ancient TV in the lounge room , she commented that such a TV is now obsolete......Ming flew into panic when she had left and insisted that we got (and she paid for) a modern TV in this room....to be in possesion of the old TV was a flaw in the image (face) of living a wonderful life in a beautiful home.

I know this seems shallow and trivial, but I have begun to understand how the Chinese mind works and it is easier to go with the flow and accept it, than create hell to try to change it.

Face assumes gigantic proportions in the Chinese mind...however it is manifested and I dont think Westerners can fully understand it...or can change it !!!

[Arnold]

David, you have as always some great points about the Chinese “Face” thing.

Here with Qing and Myself, it put’s actually another spin on the whole thing. I have yet to see my LaoPo be Jealous of other Women or Material stuff and believe me.. there were many opportunities to throw something my way. Anyway, as I found out… it’s not Qing that is worried about “Face”… it’s none other than her “Brother”.
After finding out when Qing first got here in 2009, I gave her our ‘03 Highlander… which here is not uncommon to have/hold on to a Car for more years (especially when it’s paid for). Now for Qing’s brother, that Car is to him “TOO” old for his Sister to drive. So what does he want to do? He’s actually thinking of buying her a Lexus (Cash of course), I am shocked that this would even bother him, half-way around the world. You know what he said about my wonderful kept Car… this is a Car for a person from the Country-side/Peasant to drive. I did have a good laugh out of that one, but now… I’m thinking that I myself are on the step of losing some “Face” here. Ahhh.. maybe not… this is after all America and not China. As long it is all fine with Qing, I don’t really sweat it much.

[Willy The Londoner]

After finding out when Qing first got here in 2009, I gave her our ‘03 Highlander… which here is not uncommon to have/hold on to a Car for more years (especially when it’s paid for). Now for Qing’s brother, that Car is to him “TOO” old for his Sister to drive. So what does he want to do? He’s actually thinking of buying her a Lexus (Cash of course), I am shocked that this would even bother him, half-way around the world. You know what he said about my wonderful kept Car… this is a Car for a person from the Country-side/Peasant to drive. I did have a good laugh out of that one, but now…

I was watching a programme here on TV recently it was all about the young married couples who were now not saving like their parents always did but were spending and spending. Big modern apartments, top of range cars, designing goods. These were not the new noveau rich Chinese but ordinary working couples.  The interviews showed they had a new outlook on life to that of their parents.  Showing what they had was more important than what what was in the bank as no one could see what was in the bank!

Willy

[Arnold]

Big modern apartments, top of range cars, designing goods. Showing what they had was more important than what what was in the bank as no one could see what was in the bank! Willy

That would/is Qing brother exactly! The only difference is, he's loaded and so is his Wife with her money. She is even making more than me , working for a top notch clothing company. Also, they do take care of their Parents real well. They do have a lot of Face and "Quan zhi" in his field.

[EdC]

Arnold
I used google to translate your "quan zhi" - circle, group, or ring, but am at a loss on how to decipher its meaning in your sentence. I'm relatively new  to the site and have been communicating with a young lady from Hengyang since the end of January. I am finding this site indispensable with regards to learning about the chinese culture and way of thinking. Thank you all for contributing to my education.

Ed

[Arnold]

Welcome Ed to our Forum! You have it actually correct here, it does mean "circle/group of People that you have on your good side (maybe even have them pribed with money) so you can further your own goal in Business or whatever you want to "use" them for your own good. It's like "Money talks" especially in China!

[Willy The Londoner]

Welcome Ed

There are a couple of others on here whose, wife, like mine come from Hengyang. 

Willy

[RobertBfrom aust]

Welcome Ed , to this forum , as you are busy reading any questions just ask , cos so far we have always found an answer ha ha , regards Sujuan and Robert .