Hi Peter,
Sounds like you are going through the shredder at the moment; if it helps, there are plenty on this site who have been through what you are going through and come out the other side older but wiser.
My wife is also from Harbin; we now been together in NZ for 3 years, enough for the gloss to wear off and true colours ( both hers and mine) to emerge. She too was hugely jealous that 'another girl' might sweep me ( a superannuitant ! ) off my feet. This arose from the behaviour of her previous husband (abandoned while pregnant) and the track record of Chinese husbands in the bigger cities (always ready for a model upgrade). However this diminished once I made it clear that I was committed to marriage, faithfulness and wearing a wedding ring.
Next surprise was the arrival of her son in NZ - "the little prince has landed" . Ive commented on the problems this brought in my other posts. The hidden agenda here was that I was meant to fill the role of the absent father in a Chinese family setting, none of which had been discussed or agreed. Here in NZ you can get 6 sessions (free) with a marriage guidance counselor, so I did that. It was most useful having a bilingual mediator, and what arose was that she said her relationship with me would improve or deteriorate according as I treated her son well or poorly. This felt like a standover to me. I said it was not acceptable to me and not helpful for her son in growing up. Once she got that unacceptable meant unacceptable - and they test you pretty severely to see if you mean what you say- things settled somewhat, and I am now freer to help him understand what it is to become a man in NZ
Which is all a very long winded way of saying that a bilingual counselor was very useful in bringing hidden agendas to the surface. Recommended.
Secondly, if there is a willingness to bridge the gap - which may involve moving well outside your comfort zone - but the gap is unbridgeable -don't hesitate to take decisive action .
Life's too short to drink bad wine or date dodgy women
All the best from across the ditch
David K