Debt and restrictions?

[Martin]

Well, I gotta get in my half cent....well said!

[Willy The Londoner]

 TRUST ME ON THIS.  THEY WANT TO ENJOY THE FRUITS OF YOUR LABOR – NOT THEIRS.  The western way of sharing the household bills and expenses does not apply here in China.  Here in China, it’s what’s his is hers and what’s hers is…well – hers, too.

 And as far as her loving you – that’s fine and all, but she’s not kidding.  She may love you (in as much as the Chinese know what true love really is), but like I always tell my buddy, “What’s Love Got To Do With It?”  The filial duty she has for her parents and family will come first over her feelings of love for you.  Love can’t pay those hospital bills.  Love don’t pay da rent. 

Well that is some writing but probably gives a true picture. My Dad who was in China for a couple of years before WW2 always said that the Chinese considered ' What is mine is mine what is yours is ours.'  That is really true.  Many people are just about coping back in the western world at the present time.  Tell a Chinese woman that when she gets to your home country that she can work and you can then live well. She will immediately think. That you need her so that YOU can live better but she will be no better off than she is now if she puts all her money into a joint pot. Let a man fall into hard financial times and the woman is unlikely to stick around so that her earnings can be used to save the day but leave her penniless. 

The other thing is  “What’s Love Got To Do With It?” I have not been here quite as long as 1mansopinion but I am going through only my fourth winter here but I do of course live in one of the smallest city's in Guangdong and I have far less contact with other 'foreigners' but I can understand the point he is making.  A Chinese woman needs to feel that she is going to be better off with a foreigner than standing still or taking a step back. That will be the deciding factor in 'to love or not love'.

Thinking about finding a Chinese wife then put away those rose tinted glasses.  But unlike him I say spend that $1000 on a ticket and come here and see and meet.  You can Skype as long as you like but you will not know until you meet face to face.  You both may say I love you but once together she will assess you by what your wearing and what you spend etc.  I say get to know each other face to face before deciding. I was fortunate that I was able to court my wife almost daily for5 five months before we married.

I can afford to live here and live well as I am now into a pension that is subject to increases in line with regular standard of living rate in the UK.  What I spend per month on a good life here is far less than I would have to spend in the UK on a lesser life style.  But If I suddenly did not have that income then I am under no illusion that my wife would never maintain me in the manner I have become accustomed to.   More likely I would be left to fend for myself.  We have seem or heard of members on here who themselves have suffered that fate.

Willy

[shaun]

But If I suddenly did not have that income then I am under no illusion that my wife would never maintain me in the manner I have become accustomed to.   More likely I would be left to fend for myself.

That is not different than many Western women.  I don't care what society you choose to marry into there are no guarantees.

[Willy The Londoner]

Your missing my point Shaun.

We know it can and does happen in any country but men come here and other Asian countries and are overwhelmed by the reception they receive and get to think that they are God's gift to women. When they are not. 

Gods gift to women is the better lifestyle you can give to them not you as a person but in financial terms.  You being Chinese or Foreigner it makes no difference.  More than most Chinese women are more realistic about this.  Love will rarely overcome that fact in a Chinese Woman's eyes. 

As they say it is better to weep in a BMW than smile on the back of a bike.  We joke about that but there is a hell of a lot of truth in it. 

Willy

[Pineau]

In general I will agree with the points he is making. But there are exceptions.  Women here want to better themselves by what ever means possible. Your only advantage is that you probably have a sounce of income double or tripple the average chinese guy and that you have been brought up to respect women. This is a winning combination here with women that have worked all their lives and been cheated on lied to and swindled by their husbands. Compared to a chinese man your a saint with a paycheck. There are exceptions where true love rules,  and your loved for just being kind and loving, but  it dont pay the bills. In the end when the ether wears off you need to be able to support the lady or she will be very disappointed. I like to think of my wife as an exception and truley believe she is to some extent. She did spend all her money and max out her credit cards when I was hospitalized with a burst blood vein in my stomach. She was there day and night taking care of everything and ready to beg or borrow whatever it took to put me back together. I greatly aprectiate what she did for me. She probably saved my life a couple of times. She never asked me to pay here back, but it has paid her back in spades. She is now in the USA and set for life. I am not shure what she was thinking when she struggled to keep me alive but I like to think that it was all motivated by love and dedication.

[Willy The Londoner]

I agree with you Gerry. There are exceptions as there is with everything in life.  We as individuals believe that is the case with our relationships.  But it is only time that will tell.

I know why wife is so concerned with keeping me fit and well, maybe it is, as I think, a way of ensuring our days together are long.  Or is it just a way to ensure that what I can bring to the table continues to be brought!  I will never know until the end of my days.   But that does not concern me.

Maybe they need to take what they can.  Most of our ladies have come from a failed relationship and most of the men have come from a failed relationship.  Everyone would like to think that the fault was on the other side in either case but is that always the case.  But I have had no personal experience in that.  But the woman come into such relationships with the thoughts of getting as much as possible out of it and the men seem to have the immediate concern of not letting them take too much, even going so far as setting up pre-nups. 

I personally have no concern with what money my wife is or is not salting away.  All I know is that whatever it is then it is not effecting the life that I now have.  I have found a life that suits me and just wished I had taken my Dad's advice and come to China when I was in my 20's.   

But thinking back there could have been one huge problem with that.  Some of you may have become my son in law. Ugghh!! 

Willy

[David K]

I am not shure what she was thinking when she struggled to keep me alive but I like to think that it was all motivated by love and dedication.

Gerry, I think you are a very fortunate man. Seems to me there are two forces in relationships - getting and giving.

Getting means bargaining- winning out in some sense, in the bargaining process - which means winners and loosers. Which ultimately means a loss of trust between both parties i.e a  bigtime loss all round.  Retreat to prepared positions; prenup agreements; damage control, deciding what to defend and what to surrender; having a plan B (and C etc). Not a peaceful way to spend time on the planet - this i know  

The other choice - to be a giver, not a taker, is also a choice for trust. It means that I increasingly learn to trust my inner being to my wife's tender care; increasingly in the experience that a harmonious union is a way of achieving something together that we could never achieve apart. Of course it helps that I am older than most, because I've tried most of the worldly offerings and found them wanting. It also helps that I have a wish to lead a simple life; as my wife says " we have sufficient and we have each other: that is enough".  So I no longer conjecture (much) about the range of catastrophes that could befall my relationship with Yan...or with my Bank. 

Behind all of that there is unconditional commitment with no guarantees and none needed . That in itself suffices. Its like the Beatles song that says ' the love you get is equal to the love you give,' 

So Keep on giving Gerry.. she'll love you for it.  Best David K

[fivetrout]

Thank you all for the uninspiring insights. LOL  I am aware that all the conclusions given are basically just from my own words and how they were interrupted...and that's OK! I'm not a recent falling off the turnip truck kind of guy. I have learned very painful lessons with regard to trust issues. And on-line...I'm as savvy as the next guy with merit badges with Russian and Ukrainian women and those agencies... thanks to RWF (russian women forum) which is like this one  about chinese women. My last love in my life was a severe alcoholic ex-minister whom lived many years as an abused child by her stepfather. And as you know, there's no better conniving liars like an addict! That woman could look you straight in the eye...lying through her teeth, and make you forget what you were confronting her about! That relationship caused me to reevaluate my part in all past relationship...and where I had failed, not her...but myself!

To the thought of making a bogus profile to test her? She took her profile down two days after we met, me... a month later.

Among trait's required...are that, she invest something real of herself, to make a sacrifice if required to the "relationship". Hong has expressed a better life for her son, whom she is very proud of...and I can respect that. She knows I had lost my home to a foreclosure, (a walk away) in which all my equality (175K) was lost with the housing crash, yet she pretends to cry..." I love Chris and he has no money" LOL

We have agreed a simply life is fine as long has we have a roof and can pay the bills. I have never sugar coated anything to allow her to expect more from me. Hong does know...that she can achieve a happy life with me, and that we will approach everything as a team (family).

Do I think this woman is the "one"?  Hell yes! If I thought any different...I'd have no reason to waste either of our times! Do I think this relationship could crash and burn? Hell yes! For the reason's suggested here or others unknown at this time. I have no "rose" colored glasses on here...But I will damn happy... to give you all, reason to swing your votes to support! I think Hong and I both believe...you have to dream it...before it can happen!

At this point and time, she wishes us to be married, a honeymoon visit to Wudang Mountain to place a "lover's lock" on the cable of romance locks, and then a visit to her parents and family.

She is moving now, and so I've not talked in two days, but will update if story news worthy.

Chris

[Willy The Londoner]

I am sure that you will do OK Chris.

You have many Worldly battle scars to show that your not a newbie to this.

I hope everything turns out well for you in the latest foray.

Willy