All About China > Understanding Chinese Women
Jealousy issue. What's your experience in the matter?
Smaug:
I posted this over in the Newbies forum, but after looking around, this seems like the more appropriate place for it.
Thanks in advance.
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I'm an American guy, 36. My girlfriend is Chinese, 39. She's a divorced mom of a 9 year old boy. According to that other thread, she's a "left-over" woman. (such a mean thing to say about a human being!) We work for the same company. I'm still in America, she's still in China. She's very private about her personal life, and especially about me. One day, she will move here with her son to be with me. For now, we text chat every day, and have a phone call once or twice a week.
We have a huge difference in opinion about jealousy. Today, she told me a big boss in our company said he heard she was a single mom, said he respected her for raising her boy all alone. Then offered to help find her a boyfriend. She laughed and said "OK." Not taking it seriously.
I was pretty insulted, I asked her: "Why didn't you just tell him that you are not single, but thanks anyway for the offer of help?"
She said: "Aren't you happy that people like me?"
I said: "Yes. Professionally, and in a friendly manner. But when they start getting involved in your love life, I don't like it any more."
She said: "You should be happy that people like your girlfriend. If you are jealous about this, it shows that you lack faith in me."
I said: "The jealousy, I cannot control. I do trust you to do the right thing when interested men approach you. But I don't like the fact that you are not trying to discourage them from approaching you, and that you let people continue to think you are single."
She said: "Am I supposed announce to the world that I have a boyfriend then?"
I said: "No, but when it comes up that you are single, you could at least correct them, and CERTAINLY not accept offers to help you find a boyfriend! Otherwise, what am I, a ghost?"
She then told me that if I wanted to go out with a female colleague, she would not have a problem with it, as she trusts me absolutely. But that if I were unfaithful, she would never forgive me. (she didn't mention how she would feel if I invited her to my hotel room when she was drunk and sad and had a crush on me....)
She said she was very very sad and hurt, and she will go to bed. (it was 1 AM for her)
To me, this idea of denying one's jealousy because I have so much trust in her faithfulness is almost insane. It sounds like something from an idealistic book on love, not reality.
I told her that if our situations were reversed, she would probably be jealous, no matter WHAT she is saying now. She said absolutely not, because she trusts me. I sugggested that unless she is VERY different from every other woman who has ever been interested in me, I doubt it. Jealousy is illogical. It comes from love (or maybe insecurity?) from the person who is jealous, but to the other person, it is just a nuisance.
I hope there are a lot of English-speaking Chinese people who can tell me whether this is cultural, and I should get used to it, or if it is a mater of personal opinion only.
Now, we are both wondering if there are too many cultural differences for our relationship to succeed? Or is this not cultural at all, and just a matter of our personal viewpoint?
shaun:
First question. Have you been to China to see her face to face?
Neil:
If she doesn't have a ring on her finger, she's probably keeping an eye out for someone better suited to come along. Don't get me wrong, I'd be jealous too, and this situation would put a huge strain on the relationship.
Keep in mind that she is in China. Different country, different customs. She literally can't say no to her boss without losing face. What she did was give her boss great face. She might get a promotion if she hooks up with whoever he happens to choose for her.
She didn't have to tell you about it - probably shouldn't have. That said, you have every right to be jealous and hurt. Make sure she knows how you feel.
Smaug:
--- Quote from: shaun on January 24, 2013, 06:40:57 pm ---First question. Have you been to China to see her face to face?
--- End quote ---
Yes. Went and stayed with her and her son for three weeks. It was wonderful. Toured Guangzhou, played with her son, did a lot of hiking.
So what about it guys, is her view on jealousy typical Chinese? Please ask your mates for me if you don't know.
Willy The Londoner:
--- Quote from: Smaug on January 24, 2013, 07:29:30 pm ---
--- Quote from: shaun on January 24, 2013, 06:40:57 pm ---First question. Have you been to China to see her face to face?
--- End quote ---
Yes. Went and stayed with her and her son for three weeks. It was wonderful. Toured Guangzhou, played with her son, did a lot of hiking.
So what about it guys, is her view on jealousy typical Chinese? Please ask your mates for me if you don't know.
--- End quote ---
The others are wrong. You have no right to be jealous. She wanted to tell you as she probably wanted you to know everything . She did not feel it necessary to keep secrets from you.Maybe her boss said it lightheartedly maybe he was serious. But she told you about it. And you went off into a jealous rage!
Chinese women do not have to get involved with a Jealous foreigner. There are enough of them and just downright bad husbands in China. If I was her I would serious think twice about a relationship with you.
She looked to you as someone she trusted and look what it gave her. You talk of 'one day she will move here with me' Can you imagine what she is thinking today about that. If that is his reaction with thousands of miles between us what will it be if i was at arms length in a strange country.
Chinese women are used to be ill treated in China by men, they have been for years but they are not looking to jump out of the pot into the fire.
It will be your jealousy that will kill this relationship. Maybe it already has. I hope I am wrong but unless you can control your jealousy then any relationship is doomed.
Willy
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