Author Topic: Our Story  (Read 27372 times)

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Offline Smaug

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Our Story
« on: January 24, 2013, 09:31:03 pm »
My lady is a very private person, so I will not share any details yet; as she may not approve.

I met her online, through work. We work for the same company, and I was just dealing with her as a normal part of our job. My company just introduced avatars with our emails and instant messaging, and about half the company uploaded pix of themselves.

During the conversation about a job, I told her: "By the way, I like your avatar picture. You have a great smile." She ignored it, so I didn't say anything else personal. Later, I found out she was taken aback, and thought: "Is this guy WORKING or just looking at pictures?" At the end of that text chat, she thanked me for "my laudatory words" and complemented me on my avatar picture too. Said I looked sly but happy.

Over the next few days, we found we liked chatting with each other more and more. Shared personal aspects of our lives. She was surprised to find that I wasn't scared off when she said she was older than me, divorced, and had a 9 year-old boy.  I was married at the time. Technically, I still am, I'm going through the divorce now.

I had been unhappy in my marriage over the past year, since my wife refused to listen to anything I suggested about our new baby. (she's 10 months old now) My wife is a resident doctor, and just kept getting more and more arrogant, always expecting me to clean after her, etc.

So we both did some soul-searching. My lady was sad about possibly breaking the marriage. She felt it was 100% her that did it, rather than just being the last straw. I had to think long and hard about whether to throw away my marriage of 8 years, rather than try to save it and forget I had ever met her. I decided I would rather grab this chance at happiness, rather than stay in the marriage I thought would be decreasing happiness for the rest of my life.

A few times, we tried to stop talking to each other, to give my marriage a fair shot. It failed each time, within two days we were both miserable without a chat or email.

We "met" in August 2012. Decided to commit in September or early October. I arranged to fly to Taiwan on business in late November, and extended the trip by 3 weeks to visit her in China into early December.  I lived with her and her son for that time. She took her vacation for me, we toured her city and had a taste of everyday life there. It was wonderful.

Now, we chat nearly every day, and talk by phone once per week. Tried video chatting a few times, but she has a bad connection so it always gets cut off and is more frustrating than anything. Back to phone cards.

It is hard, being 14 hours apart! She stays up late to chat with me in her evenings. I sacrifice some work time each morning for it. I look for her in her mornings, but she is busier than me so that is mostly frustrating. Now, for example, we'd be chatting, and getting interrupted every 10 minutes for some little thing, as she is a lower manager at our company.

Now, I am in a hard part of divorce proceedings here. Wife is trying to take full custody, our condo, and child support. Asked for more than that. I'm willing to give it to her, as long as the child support is very little and she leaves my money and possessions alone. (after all, she will make twice as much as I do, when she finishes her residency) My wife and I still live together in our condo, I moved to the spare room, and the crib moved in with her in the master bedroom.

She is living her regular life with her son there; working all day, then supervising his homework and piano playing.

We don't know when we will meet again; it depends on how things pan out with the divorce. Once I can get out of here and get things started in an apartment, we can make plans for me to visit her again, hopefully in the spring.

Then, she and her son will come visit me in the summer. I will go again in the fall, she will come again in the winter. By which time, the divorce should be done and we can think about immigration. (by the way, any tips American guys can give me on successfully navigating the immigration process would be much appreciated) Heck, any other advice would be appreciated too.

So maybe this will be a journal thread, of sorts? I hope that with yours and my famliy's moral support, we'll get through this and be as happy as the rest of you seem to be!

Offline maxx

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Re: Our Story
« Reply #1 on: January 24, 2013, 11:57:47 pm »
# 1When you decide to do the immigration visa.Hire a good immigration attorney.Do not hire a attorney in China.

# 2 24 hour rule live it love it learn it.I cannot stress this enough.

# 3 If it is not the end of humanity as we know it.Or it won't bring about the end of the world.It is probably not worth arguing about

# 4 different country different customs.Never under any circumstances forget that.

# 5 read everything you can about China and it's people.Learn some of the customs and the culture.Learn to speak Chinese.

# 6 learn to be a good listener.Sometimes Chinese does not translate well to English.

Offline Willy The Londoner

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Re: Our Story
« Reply #2 on: January 25, 2013, 12:11:49 am »
Well I think I should not comment on this other than to say that you expect this women to be treating use as your sole boyfriend WHILST you are still living with your wife and child.

No wonder some parents here do not want their daughters tied up with foreigners.

Willy
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Now in my 12th year living here,

Arnold

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Re: Our Story
« Reply #3 on: January 25, 2013, 12:14:06 am »
Smaug,

We don't know when we will meet again; it depends on how things pan out with the divorce. Once I can get out of here and get things started in an apartment, we can make plans for me to visit her again, hopefully in the spring.

Then, she and her son will come visit me in the summer. I will go again in the fall, she will come again in the winter. By which time, the divorce should be done and we can think about immigration. (by the way, any tips American guys can give me on successfully navigating the immigration process would be much appreciated) Heck, any other advice would be appreciated too.


This sure sounds like you have your Hands way to full at the moment, to even think about Immigration. Do you really think, for them to visit you will be that easy? I really try hard to put myself in your place at this time and all I see is... why did I even get myself in a Relationship before the Divorce is not even near final?
The other thing you mentioned is getting an Apartment? Do you really think your Lady/Gf wants to leave China with her Son to move into an Apartment (Rental) for security for both of them. I definiately think NOT, and if you think so... you'd better ask yourself this again.

Sorry to put it this way, but I see it as such. I will tip my Hat for you Smaug, if you'll work his out successfully in your favor. Good Luck and please take it only as my Opinion and nothing else, we are here to help and not to banish Newbie's.

Offline David K

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Re: Our Story
« Reply #4 on: January 25, 2013, 01:31:30 am »
This from :
http://laowaiink.blogspot.co.nz/2008/04/chinese-girls-heart-tread-softy.html

You might find it relevant :)

 A Chinese Girl's Heart: Tread Softly
Of course this title is misleading. There are tons of Chinese girls that are as much players as the guys and break hearts without a second thought. However, at least in my experience, most Chinese girls are very affectionate and are eager, sometimes too eager, to give their love to any man that is sweet and kind to them, especially when they are young.

For the majority of Chinese girls, there is no such thing as a casual relationship. A Chinese girl usually interprets any intimate behavior, such as gifts, romantic messages, sex, etc., as indications of long-term relationship potential, and the fact of the matter is that most Chinese girls are looking for a man to take care of them and they are quick to latch on to such possibilities. I don't mean this in a condescending or diminutive way; I'm just stating my observations after years of field research :-). Chinese girls are extremely affectionate and usually very loyal, because their man is providing them with stability and security. In return she gives her affection, her body, and her fidelity. Whether this is "love" is another discussion, but it is this "emotional transaction" that leads to so many broken hearts among Chinese girls.

Everyone has fanciful illusions of fairy tale love stories but of course reality is a harsh teacher. A man can throw out words and money and attention willy-nilly but a girl's affection is her precious possession, and when it is tossed aside after being used up, it can be devastating. Chinese girls are very naive about love and romance, in spite of it being largely absent from Chinese culture. Yet a heart is a heart, and love is an incredible treasure, and when it is placed in the hands of someone who recognizes just how special it is, that heart will sing. But the sad truth is, far too many hearts grow cold and dim as the beautiful dream withers and dies, leaving a life that is biologically satisfied but lacking any real purpose.
Nothing Real can be threatened; nothing unreal exists

Offline Smaug

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Re: Our Story
« Reply #5 on: January 26, 2013, 04:43:48 pm »
Well I think I should not comment on this other than to say that you expect this women to be treating use as your sole boyfriend WHILST you are still living with your wife and child.

No wonder some parents here do not want their daughters tied up with foreigners.

That's pretty rude and judgmental, but I will respond anyway, and try not to be so rude an accusatory in doing so. You have done nothing but attack me since I got here Willy, because you disapprove of my situation. I'm sorry you've made up your mind that I'm A Bad Guy. Assuring you that I have the most honorable of intentions toward my Chinese girlfriend would seem to be a waste of time.

1) She agrees that we are mutually exclusive.

2) She knows I'm living with my wife and daughter. We stay in different rooms, and only talk to each other when necessary, for the benefit of our daughter. If I had to move out now, while paying 100% of my daughters daycare, 100% of the family's healthcare, 100% for my lawyer, and 100% for my daughter's (court-mandated) lawyer, it would be my financial ruin. Not only that, but I pay half the bills. I cannot right now add more expenses to this. If that is not enough? If I moved out, I would not get to see my daughter very often. Now, I get to see her every day, and I have her for myself every other day. You didn't think of this, did you? Only judged me for still living with my wife, who would not even by my wife right now if the legal system weren't so slow.

Offline Smaug

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Re: Our Story
« Reply #6 on: January 26, 2013, 04:50:46 pm »
This sure sounds like you have your Hands way to full at the moment, to even think about Immigration. Do you really think, for them to visit you will be that easy?

They both have visas. She can afford airfare. I will pick her up at the airport, and we will live as a family. When it is my days to have my daughter, I will pick her up from my ex's, bring her home, and she will spend time with her second family.

If I were afraid of complication, I would not be dating a Chinese lady in China. ;)


Quote from: Arnold
I really try hard to put myself in your place at this time and all I see is... why did I even get myself in a Relationship before the Divorce is not even near final?
I don't look at it as a conscious choice. It was love. Remember, I didn't actively search for a Chinese wife, like many seem to have done. We happened upon each other and fell in love. When we first started, we both felt like it was wrong. She didn't want to be a home-wrecker, and I didn't want to end my marriage without giving it a fair shake. But you know, we could not go two days without thinking of and missing the other. I don't expect everyone to understand.


Quote from: Arnold
The other thing you mentioned is getting an Apartment? Do you really think your Lady/Gf wants to leave China with her Son to move into an Apartment (Rental) for security for both of them. I definiately think NOT, and if you think so... you'd better ask yourself this again.
She knows the plan. We talked about it. She agrees. Apartment does not necessarily mean unstable. It means we can move when we want to, without having to try to sell an owned residence.


Quote
Sorry to put it this way, but I see it as such. I will tip my Hat for you Smaug, if you'll work his out successfully in your favor. Good Luck and please take it only as my Opinion and nothing else, we are here to help and not to banish Newbie's.
Thanks, and I may seek your advice in the future. I (started to) read your Love Story thread before posting mine. It is great. I don't know if I'll get through all the pages of it, but maybe I'll start reading from the end>back?

Offline Smaug

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Re: Our Story
« Reply #7 on: January 26, 2013, 05:10:25 pm »
Monday Jan. 28th is when our daughter's lawyer makes her recommendation to the judge on what the living/visitation arrangement should be. Hoping it is conducive to my having some money left to actually exist, (move out, pay rent & utilities, etc.) and a reasonable amount of time during which to spend with my daughter.

My lady is also eagerly awaiting the news on her Tuesday morning. When I am moved out and settled in, I will buy a ticket to go visit her and her son again in the spring.

Arnold

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Re: Our Story
« Reply #8 on: January 26, 2013, 05:11:08 pm »
Smaug,
first.. let me tell you, if you don't already know? Willy is and always has been straight forward with everybody (known him for years) and if I would see it as an Attack.. he would be warned by us Mod's. Take it only as one Man's opinion (which I'm sure you have), nothing else. You come here for help to further your plans, so you need it from as many prospectives as possible for the best solution to your task at hand.
Glad to see, them visiting you is not a problem for you.. that's great! One less worry, but I still see an up-hill climb for some time for you and you seem to be ready for it. I just worry for you, if your Lady is also?

Offline Willy The Londoner

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Re: Our Story
« Reply #9 on: January 26, 2013, 09:22:28 pm »
I am not attacking you personally I am attacking an arrogance that some men have that ends up leaving a trail of broken promises and hearts behind.

You have everything worked out! That is arrogance to think that the way you are thinking will be the way everyone else will follow. The lady the US authorities etc etc.  You think that if you talk long enough then people will take your opinion as theirs.

That is not the way things work.    Ok if things do work out for you then I wish you well. But I live in China and  I hear regularly of Chinese men getting rid of Wife and Child for a difference model.  That is what you are doing as far as I can see, swopping one for another pair.

As others know I am not one to be on here to say what you want to hear I say what I think about relationships, right or wrong. That is always my opinion on the relationship not on the person themselves.

(Even my best friend has received a lashing for his antics with a Chinese woman.)   Does the US issue lifetime visas. I thought they were for specific times and occasions.  Plus you want her to pay for the air fares?  Are you not going to re-emburse her when she arrives?

Plus you are thinking this women loves me so she will put up with me having no spare money, renting a home etc etc.  That is arrogance and if she agrees to all that then I take my hat off to you.  But I have seen the consequences on here and in life too often of the result where the mans financial position has changed and the woman has walked away.   Money is more important to a Chinese woman that love.  Love cannot provide into the old age in China only money can do that.

Finding a Chinese wife and the expenses involved is not the easy thing most think it is.  You will be starting out on some good times but here will be a hell of a lot of tears and anguish along the way.  Men on here have been waiting and still waiting for several years and have spent thousands and thousands of dollars and are still trying to get their ladies, even wife's in to the USA.

The last successful one lived here with his wife for two nearly two years before they both successfully made it to the USA.  Hence why I use the term arrogance.

So what makes you think you will be different? 

But for both your sakes, not just yours then think to the future.  Just consider is what you are contemplating good and fair for both of you?

Willy












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Now in my 12th year living here,

Offline JohnB

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Re: Our Story
« Reply #10 on: January 26, 2013, 11:02:02 pm »
hey Smaug,
don't take anything here personally. every member has their own story, but our common denominator is 'difficulty'. think of all what is said here as 'practice'. bringing a China woman & child to America is not an easy task. your story is very unique, but everything you do must past the scrutiny of U.S. Immigration.
my own journey was one day shy of 7 months. I had no encumbrances.

the thing is when you decide to go forward with your adventure, make sure all 'you' & 'yours' personal information is current. every article of evidence necessary for her immigration, translated & notarized, will be reviewed & disseminated. one error will cost you dearly...money, time, your sanity. if you satisfy the USCIS (Homeland Security) then the next step is the NVC (National Visa Center). basically, your 'means of support'.

personally, I have no doubts about your sincerity. somehow you found your China love and you realize something wonderful is happening within you.
the members here only wish you success. they do not wish to monkey wrench you. please don't take exception to what is written. think of it as a reality check. the first thing is, is to be honest with yourself. then be honest with your women. you need to formulate your own plan, stick with it, & prepare yourself for long duration without her near. when you are successful, all the difficulties you encounter will make your life proportionally that much better.
I wish you, good luck     
« Last Edit: January 26, 2013, 11:04:10 pm by JohnB »

Offline Smaug

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Re: Our Story
« Reply #11 on: January 26, 2013, 11:57:47 pm »
You have everything worked out! That is arrogance to think that the way you are thinking will be the way everyone else will follow. The lady the US authorities etc etc.  You think that if you talk long enough then people will take your opinion as theirs.
Geez, so now you know what I'm thinking too? I think my lady will follow because she said she will. The US authorities, I'm not so sure, but my current wife (soon to be ex) is Polish, and I brought her here, got her a green card, and then citizenship. So maybe this time will be harder due to my past? But one can hardly say that she used me to get a passport, since we were married for 8 years and had a baby together...


Quote
Does the US issue lifetime visas. I thought they were for specific times and occasions.  Plus you want her to pay for the air fares?  Are you not going to re-emburse her when she arrives?
The US issues tourist visas for one year max. No, I don't want her to pay for the airfare, but my lawyer told me she has to, since my money is technically "family money" until the divorce is final. Also, even before I heard that, she would not hear of it.


Quote
Plus you are thinking this women loves me so she will put up with me having no spare money, renting a home etc etc.
Geez, you guys talk like renting instead of owning makes me trailer trash or something... Millions of normal honest people do it here, and also in China, as far as I can tell.


Quote
That is arrogance and if she agrees to all that then I take my hat off to you.  But I have seen the consequences on here and in life too often of the result where the mans financial position has changed and the woman has walked away.   Money is more important to a Chinese woman that love.
If she would walk away because I don't have a lot of money, then she is not the woman for me, and I wil have no regrets.


Quote
Love cannot provide into the old age in China only money can do that.
In the US too! ;)

So what exactly do you recommend, Willy? If I'm hearing you right, I should tell her to go away until I'm legally divorced, save up a bunch of money, and buy a home. Because all Chinese women want money more than love.

With my woman, that would go over like a turd in a punch bowl. You may think you know them all because you live there and run a match-making service, but I think THAT is arrogance. You don't. You only know a certain sub-set; the type that are looking for a western husband to brighten their prospects.

Offline Willy The Londoner

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Re: Our Story
« Reply #12 on: January 27, 2013, 05:38:50 am »
 You are due to have enough problems with the US Immigrants. Lets hope that they do not have you marked down as a serial importers of foreign wives!

I have not run the dating service since 2010.  Too many foreign men letting women down.

When you get her into US to live with you, not as a married women, but as a single woman then I will concede that you must have some great influence in high places and I will say that I was wrong. But until then I will say no more on this.

Willy



« Last Edit: January 27, 2013, 05:49:27 am by Willy The Londoner »
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Offline Smaug

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Re: Our Story
« Reply #13 on: January 27, 2013, 10:28:48 pm »
You are due to have enough problems with the US Immigrants. Lets hope that they do not have you marked down as a serial importers of foreign wives!
I had never heard that term, (serial importers) but was worried about it. I will surely get an immigration lawyer this time, to help me through that potential pitfall. (didn't have a lawyer last time; it cost a lot of time and money, but was no problem) But as you or someone else suggested, it is a little early for me to be thinking of immigration. It is likely to be more of a 2014 thing.


Quote
I have not run the dating service since 2010.  Too many foreign men letting women down.
Well, different expectations, I guess, right? Maybe I'm a prime example... I will talk to my lady more about her material expectations, to double-check that we're on the same page. She offered to sell one of her two condos in China and give me the money to buy a place here, but I declined politely, saying I am flattered in her trust, but I would rather wait until we're married until we think of that. I also said we should get a pre-nup, so neither of us gets screwed in case things don't go as planned, she said fine.

Quote
When you get her into US to live with you, not as a married women, but as a single woman then I will concede that you must have some great influence in high places and I will say that I was wrong. But until then I will say no more on this.
She will come to the US in the summer as a tourist. Probably renew her visa and visit next time as a tourist too. After that, we will have confirmed we want to be married and continue as planned. From the green card application paperwork last time, I know it would be near impossible to get her and her son permanent resident status without first being married. Even then, I expect some difficulties.

Offline shaun

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Re: Our Story
« Reply #14 on: January 28, 2013, 04:22:53 am »
Smaug,  you've received a lot of good advice here.  Here is one more kink you should consider.  By virtue of the fact that you were not divorced when you went to China and are still married and you are still living in the same house with your current wife your future wife will have a tremendous battle during the interview.  If I were you I'd find another part-time job and move out.  Deliver pizza if you must.  You've already stepped in it as far as the interviewer is concerned.  You need to do something about it.