Author Topic: wedding dowry  (Read 4144 times)

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Offline fivetrout

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wedding dowry
« on: May 06, 2013, 03:35:00 pm »
Hi All! I know there must be plenty on this subject here somewhere, so sorry if I take the easy route.

OK, so we have a 46 year old woman, divorced, with a teenager...and she asks me today (what is your dowry figure for my parents?) I state: I understand the red envelope tradition and so I was planning a modest symbolic amount. And so I ask her...how much do you think, as I need guidance? She responds 100000 RMB. Chinese etiquette dowry. This is marry girl in China. I respond, yes maybe for the 18 year old virgin princess of the village (a bit irritated). Well, then she states: go ask your international friends!
(forum members). She understands money is definitely not free flowing and that it has been an issue in other areas between us.

So, what does the brotherhood suggest? I was actually thinking perhaps $500USD

Thanks in advance, Chris

Offline Neil

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Re: wedding dowry
« Reply #1 on: May 06, 2013, 05:42:46 pm »
Is my calculation right?  $16000 Canadian?  I gave my wife's parents red envelopes.  I forget right now just how much it was.  I thought it was around $1000.  I'll ask my wife tonight. Just FYI, I also gave red envelopes to each of my wife's older brothers and older sister.  I hope your princess fiance doesn't have too many siblings, or you're gonna go broke.
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Offline Rhonald

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Re: wedding dowry
« Reply #2 on: May 06, 2013, 05:46:46 pm »
If she was off by one zero then even though $1,600.00 is reasonable, it would still be on the high side. I believe I gave about $500 Cdn to each parent and did not give to another . If she meant $16,000 I would start worrying about if she precieves the reality of the situation.
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Offline David E

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Re: wedding dowry
« Reply #3 on: May 06, 2013, 05:57:56 pm »
My wife told me very early on in our relationship that because she was prevoiusly maried she did NOT want me to give any dowry to her parents...she didnt want it and they werent expecting it.

Nevertheless, haveing met her folks many times on my numerous trips to China and got to really like them as people...I, and I alone decided to give them AUD $1000 as a "special " red-envelope gift at our wedding. Ming pretended to be cross with me...but I know deep down inside she was really pleased that I made this gesture.

But $15,000 for a once-married child....no way !!!!

Offline maxx

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Re: wedding dowry
« Reply #4 on: May 06, 2013, 06:53:22 pm »
David E has the right answear.Your lady has ben married before.The bride price has already ben payed.Your woman has western man syndrome.What that means is that since her man is from the west.He is loaded.So he can afford it.Give the in laws 500.00 apiece and be done with it.You still have to pay for the wedding party.

Remind your women that the more money you spend now.The longer it will take to dig yourself out of this hole.

Offline fivetrout

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Re: wedding dowry
« Reply #5 on: May 06, 2013, 07:03:41 pm »
My feelings are...her parents are quite happy that I will make their little girl happy! She has said so! Also blend into the mix...I will helping helping her son in college here. Further in the mix...is that her father has heart disease and has cancer. She may be thinking about her mother soon? She is always testing me about money, and I've gotten to the point where I get pleasure telling her NO! haha If she wants to come to America, and have a better life for her son...THAT'S what she needs to embrace in my view. She really does seem to think...that love is actually measured by money! I tell her NO, love is measured by actions!

No-one can claim this endeavor is boring!

chris

Offline Willy The Londoner

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Re: wedding dowry
« Reply #6 on: May 06, 2013, 09:53:48 pm »
When you said 100,000 rmb my first thought was that is not a bad price to pay. Then I realised that that were not going to pay YOU this but you were expected to pay it! ::)

My mother in law has long since died. I gave nothing to my father in law although I have looked after him since, by giving a warm home in the winter months and paying for his cataract operations. But then I would have done the same for my western family as well.

Your lady is a 'used' women with a child. The chances of her finding a man in China to marry her are so slim that it is impossible to put a figure on it.  She already left the family fold when she married the first time when she returned that was a bonus for them.

Her family should in fact be paying you to take her off their hands and to give her and her son a better life.

Her request is for one reason only and that is to show her family and friends just what a good catch she has made. It is to give her face amongst those that know her.

On here now are mainly ones who have settled marriages I do not think that any have paid out great sums. I do know that others  who were on here have been asked for large sums like you but have long since left the relationship after not paying up and are no longer on here.

You give what you feel but do not be dictated to on this otherwise it will continue in this vein.

My wedding cost next to nothing.  We did give out one red envelope as my wife wanted to give thanks to her church. 1000 rmb covered that!

The money I have is for my wife and myself. I have bought a home here and a car and I made sure that my wife will be financially stable after I leave this earth. 

She did not ask for this I gave it to  bit by bit as the years passed by. We have received from her family not given.

Personally I would tell her the dowry was not an option but that you would take care of things as needs arose.  At least that way you would be getting an idea if it is you she loves or if you are just one the the RICH Foreigners that she can weedle around her little finger.

Willy




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Offline fivetrout

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Re: wedding dowry
« Reply #7 on: May 06, 2013, 10:50:23 pm »
It seems... I have all the opinion I need. I gave the store away my first two marriages, never again. It is enjoyable to witness all the crazy facial expressions when I say no. I could tell she wasn't really that upset, and she did respond at the end of our skype call.....I love you too!

Offline brett

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Re: wedding dowry
« Reply #8 on: May 07, 2013, 09:36:19 am »
Yeah you guys have already pretty much answered this one. I discussed this very issue with a girl I dated. The bride price for a 33yo previously unmarried woman was around $500, so do the math for an older one with a kid!

I was under the impression that with red envelopes at the wedding you'd probably get all this money back anyway.

Just be careful because a lot of people want your money here. So far though it's been the foreigners here who have been after mine!

Offline john1964

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Re: wedding dowry
« Reply #9 on: May 07, 2013, 10:31:21 am »
my wifes family said that my many trips to China to be with their daughter was enough, no need to pay a dowry, they are happy to see their daughter happy now  :) John.

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Re: wedding dowry
« Reply #10 on: May 07, 2013, 02:03:41 pm »
my wifes family said that my many trips to China to be with their daughter was enough, no need to pay a dowry, they are happy to see their daughter happy now  :) John.

Exactly what Qing and her Parents said or have told me in many ways. The $500 I gave them, I received back on the next trip and there was no option to say NO!

Offline Neil

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Re: wedding dowry
« Reply #11 on: May 07, 2013, 06:25:02 pm »
I just asked my wife.  We gave her parents 3600 rmb each.
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Offline Pineau

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Re: wedding dowry
« Reply #12 on: May 07, 2013, 06:54:57 pm »
I built a new house in YIYang. Her mom still lives there although my name is still on title. I also supported her immediate family for 10 years and paid the hospital bills for when her brother was dying of cancer.

I don't think it was necessary for me to go to those extremes but I was happy to do it at the time and it gave Jing bragging rights over all her friends.
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