Leap of faith?

[fivetrout]

Hey Brothers!

I was driving back to Calif from Colorado two nights ago. It was dark and lonely on the hwy, after all It was my third day of driving 8 plus hours a day having come from an interview there. Out of the blue, Hong calls me just to see how I was doing and to spend some time with me...after all she knows I am making changes in my life to accommodate her and her son. I couldn't begin to know what she was actually telling me...but I could sense she was just offering me her support.

I plan to go and see her her in Sept. for the first time, and after almost two years she wants to marry at that time. My question? I am perfectly agreeable with the perception I have of her, but also wise enough to know things sometimes don't play out as we wish for them to be. And so, in a two weeks time window...how do I pull the trigger and make such an important decision? I've made mistakes with previous girls citing a great "potential"  but unknowns have reared the ugly truths. Sometimes heart and head both... can cause one to make mistakes. At present, I think one week will be all the time I will have to decide, and she too of course. So I guess I need to hear from others that were in a similar position and hear some truths about the reality of what I am asking.

Chris

[David E]

It's a pretty tough decision, second time around. We all remember the awful pain, hassle, bitterness, financial and emotional stress of our first marriage breakup and it's not difficult to accept that this NEXT decision is always coloured by the historical pain and thus caution.

I am certain that you are not alone in your ponderings, I guess we all were at that point somewhere along the way of committing to our next partner.

I sorta hoped that I could go along more or less forever, just seeing Ming regularly in China, having a wonderful time and thus avoid the dreaded decision. So I finally asked myself..."If you do the right thing by this lovely Lady and walk away because you are too scared to make the committment who is going to hurt most, and for how long"

I contemplated never seeing her again and how my life would shape from that point. I knew whatever I decided it was not likely to be fatal, but how would my life quality be without ever being with this Woman again. For me, the answer was quite clear...win, lose or draw, I knew enough about Ming to realise that they dont come much better than this...and all life is a risk and this risk was worth taking.

We can of course, be iron-willed and continually avoid such a big call and keep walking away, and I guess some guys do this and some dont.

But I got to be VERY sure of one thing...I wanted this Woman fully in my life and I figured that I knew enough about our relationship to want very much to make it permanent.

We have known each other over 4 years now and been married for 3 (as of last Saturday !!) and I dont regret one minute of it, if anything as we get better and better at understanding each other it is a relationship that continues to grow and thrive.

Who can tell what might happen 1, 2, 3 or 10 years from now....I dont really care, because I wouldnt have missed this for anything. I am very happy that I took a deep breath and again put my trust in a relationship.

So I guess....how would you feel if you HAD to tell her that you can not marry her and it's goodbye ...that might tell you something about your real feelings for her.

Best wishes, it IS a tough call

David

[john1964]

Hey Chris, I met my wife on cl in April of 2010 and we talked about marriage, I went to meet her 5 months later in September of the same year, MinYing is 11 years younger than me and it it obvious with her sometimes immaturity, You say 2 years of knowing her and never met her?, such a long time, Taking this step is difficult, Is her English good ?, My wife's English is not so good but I have learnt a great deal of Chinese over the last 3 years so communication is not so difficult.
I think i rushed in to marriage too quickly and my wife also voiced the same opinion after our first meeting in Beijing before we were married, We decided to be married anyway, Yeh I have a few regrets but no-one is perfect, Im far from perfect i know, If your heart is a bit unsure now then wait until after the first meeting and give yourself time and see how you feel after you return home then make the decision, Make a second trip then decide, John.

[fivetrout]

Thanks for your responses!

My feelings are that she is fully committed and excited to move forward...which is good. At this point I feel completely the same. Some have asked about her english, well on the phone not so well, on skype with visual and text much better, although I translate the text when important issues are talked about. Hong has been taking english lessons and often listens to audio lessons at home.  I am totally ready for the challenges, and look forward to experiencing life through her eyes as she sees things. My demeanor is easy and relaxed...and my personality is that of a caretaker. With that said, it's easy to say... I will hand the reigns over to her in some areas, but it might come off to her as control in other areas...which in turn may cause resentment. But over all, I will be happy to see her spread her wings and meet challenges head on, and I will only be needed as a safety net. These women here are portrayed as just happy home makers often, but in reality that's not what we want. We need to be challenged by these women for mutual growth through life's experiences, which will lead to greater love and intimacy...hopefully)))

Personally, I think the delays in meeting her has built some tolerances and trust through commitment. She has shown me much patience...although she questioned mine a few times. I have always been there and willing to roll the dice with her. A relationship is built through the journey...and I have given others much more of me, in which have offered me much less potential than Hong. If I have doubts, they come from many of the stories here that I have followed from beginning to disastrous end. Oddly enough, I don't question the outcome for me...but of that of hers. I want the ending she deserves and has dreamed about as well!


Chris

[Willy The Londoner]

I was probably luckier than most on here as I was able to 'court' my wife for several months in person before we married as I had moved to China before we met.

Though I know of a few marriages that have faltered when people have married within a couple of days of stepping of the plane there are others who are still going strong after the same circumstances. 

I would think that the biggest problem is the fact that she has been talking with you for two years. That is a long time to go without actually meeting.

Lets face it she is probably keen to speed up the process now because of the time delay because she had probably heard of others who have been in a long term relationship with foreigners only for it end without any result.

Plus as she has been divorced for quite a while then her hormones will be gathering with the result that she will be getting excited over your impending visit.

However as she has been married before there really no need for a big wedding celebration.  Divorce is easy in China compared to other countries.

The decision is going to be a hard one but maybe a little easier following your recent losses.

Willy

[fivetrout]

Time to man up...and deliver the goods! 

[Willy The Londoner]

That is definately what she is looking for you to do!

Willy