Paying

[IrishGuy65]

I have insisted on paying for everything when I arrive in China.  But, now that we are planning, she is insisting on paying for some things.  Is this normal?  Maybe this sounds a little Neanderthal... but I'm the man and I should pay for everything.  I put the money aside just for this trip, and I have plenty of it.  Not only do I not mind paying, but I WANT to pay. 

We've talked regularly (at least once a day, usually twice a day) for almost 6 months (video chat and QQ).  But this is still like a first date.  Even with a Western girl, I would always pay for the first date.  I'm liberated enough to let a Western woman pay half or all later in the dating cycle...  I was under the impression that it is different with a Chinese lady.  I thought it was expected that I would pay, and I am ready to do that.

Again, as the time draws near for the trip, I could use the advice of those with experience.  Is this normal?  How do I handle the situation?

[Rhonald]

Maybe if the both of you were teenagers, this concept of paying all on the first date would hold true. If she wishes to pay for somethings, then it is best to allow her to treat you sometimes. Remember, that she might have some stereotypes when thinking of Westerners - meaning - if the man pays for everything, his expectations might be that he is paying for services. By both contributing, then it becomes a bit more as a statement of both being equal in the relationship.

Also allowing her to pay for somethings would subconsciously allow her to signal to you that she is not interested in you just because of your money. Don't worry to much, because even with my wife, at the end of the day how much I spend on her is usually greater then what she purchased for me. But she does get excited when she does buy me somethings in exchange, be it treating me with dinner or a small gift.

[RobertBfrom aust]

I G , as most Chinese ladies are very thrifty I would , if you are comfortable after the first couple of days as she will be doing all of the purchasing , give her some of your Yuan to purchase things with and if she adds to it all is okay , remembering us whities will always get ripped off , I even stand nowhere near the shop when the haggling starts ha ha , it also shows how she can manage your money , regards Sujuan and Robert .

[Pineau]

I think she is really concerned that you may break your budget and wants to help. Really. So let her pay for the small things like lunch, occasional movie and refreshments. It will give her a good feeling .

[Arnold]

I myself on "All" my trips, never encountered the problem with Qing wanting to pay... it was her Brother. He insisted on paying each and every time we went out, if it was to eat or have fun somewhere. Believe me, I've try'd to shift some money his way... impossible.
A Lady paying for some stuff, is actually a good thing.. as you are on "her" turf. She will except return when she's on yours. Same goes for her Family, if they also wish to do so. Especially them, never decline an offer to have them take you out. It's the "Face" again, while not losing your's. I also see that you are getting nervous more and more as time comes closer, due for the need to ask questions in all little fields. That is perfectly normal though and good that you do, but don't be "Too" well prepared.. as you will see 70% was not really necessary to worry about ones you kind of settled in a day or two.

[IrishGuy65]

Thanks for all the input once again.  I see that I had my own stereotype that was probably off.  We have talked, many times, about equality within the relationship, and I can see that point being valid in this case.

One of my concerns was the face issue.  By letting her pay, am I losing face in her eyes, as well as her friends and family? 

Also, when we get married and she moves to America (I guess I should say if, LOL), I want her to know she can depend on me while she is adapting to life here and trying to find work, etc.

Finally, I hate to see her spend money, because she makes so much less than I do (although I would never, ever say that).

Besides the obvious stereotypes I had in my mind, these are some of the issues that were concerning to me.

Again, I really and truly appreciate everyone's advice here!  Thanks very much!!

[Willy The Londoner]

If it was you that bought up the subject then relax. Be even more relaxed that she did not immediately say 'OK you can pay for everything' or that she did not instigate the question by asking if you were going to pay for everything.This should tell you that your online relationship has moved forward a bit.

The ones who are only out with foreigners for the money will not hesitate to bring the subject to the fore themselves.

She is probably as excited about your finally getting here as you are as nervous about that first trip here and wants you to immediately feel that your not being put upon.

The first date with my wife I paid for everything except she bought me some bananas and apples for my hotel room. The next day she paid for bits and pieces nothing big just odds and ends and so on until by the time we we married 4 months later we almost had a pooled spending arrangement. Not something that I asked for or ever intended it just evolved over our courting period. 

Your lady is likely to be more impressed with you if you do not needlessly spend money on frivalous things.

Willy