All About China > Understanding Chinese Women
I need help!!!!
fivetrout:
It's a tough call. In my case, when I go to china in Oct. and marry as the plan stands...and she is not 100% committed then and there, I know enough to move on. A girl not crazy committed to me has one foot out the door already. When we woo these girls we invest everything of ourselves...and if they don't stand toe to toe along with us, then it is time to find someone that will. Sure, we can cite culture and language, and even fear with a new and different life ahead, but that doesn't change the fact she can't pull the trigger.
You do come off a bit needy and desperate...which I understand, but in your shoes I'd play hardball. I'd tell her you need a woman, and if she is only a little girl, you'll keep looking. Give her a few weeks for a final decision. Stick to your plan about your working life in America...DO NOT act as if you'll chase her and give up your life because of an emotional need. These women need a strong confident, reliable man...not a weak emotional one.
Lastly consider, she's just not that into you.
Note! When one door closes...very often new and better ones open!
shaun:
IG,
I understand your feeling about all of this. It was the same for me and many others who have made this journey. I'm sure you can find somewhere on a thread on this site how I felt that I couldn't make it separated without Peggy. But here I am 3 years later and I am doing fine. Not great but fine. It isn't easy but it isn't anything I can't handle. I don't think you are needy like 5trout said (sorry guy) you are very lonely after having one of the best experiences of your life with a woman.
I hope you don't have to wait as long as I am having to. Some guys breeze right through the immigration process and some, like me, struggle through it. There isn't any rhyme or reason that I can see except financial. Through my time I owned a store that went bankrupt. Now I've started a new on. It is slowly growing and it appears that it will be successful. It is 10 months old; still a little early to tell.
Use your time well. Study Chinese culture. This will really excite her when you begin to tell her what you have learned. Study the language as best you can. Learn to make Chinese food. Peggy really gets into seeing my creations of awful Chinese food that I make. She looks at it and says it looks awful. It tastes pretty good to me most of the time. Find the Chinese society where you live. They are a great resource. Do your best to make Chinese friends in your community. It isn't easy where I live but I've managed too. That will come in handy when she comes to America as she will need friends here.
I'm sure others will have good suggestions.
But don't obsess about being separated. She needs to see strength in you. It is OK to let her know you miss her and that you are lonely but don't let it become the center of your conversation.
IrishGuy65:
--- Quote from: fivetrout on July 28, 2013, 08:33:13 pm ---It's a tough call. In my case, when I go to china in Oct. and marry as the plan stands...and she is not 100% committed then and there, I know enough to move on. A girl not crazy committed to me has one foot out the door already. When we woo these girls we invest everything of ourselves...and if they don't stand toe to toe along with us, then it is time to find someone that will. Sure, we can cite culture and language, and even fear with a new and different life ahead, but that doesn't change the fact she can't pull the trigger.
You do come off a bit needy and desperate...which I understand, but in your shoes I'd play hardball. I'd tell her you need a woman, and if she is only a little girl, you'll keep looking. Give her a few weeks for a final decision. Stick to your plan about your working life in America...DO NOT act as if you'll chase her and give up your life because of an emotional need. These women need a strong confident, reliable man...not a weak emotional one.
Lastly consider, she's just not that into you.
Note! When one door closes...very often new and better ones open!
--- End quote ---
She loves me and is committed to me. She is not committed to living in the USA. She is leaving so much for some unknown. Plus, she feels she is needed in China and is afraid to leave those who need her. There are so many factors. When everything is running well, she wants to come here. As soon as there is a breakdown (her dad falling, her mom's health issues, her brother's propensity to get into bad situations), all that changes because she feels she can't leave them and the societal pressure of family first is too great to overcome. Then she worries about working here in the USA, which won't be a problem for her, although she only has China to compare to so she doesn't really understand... Finally, she has lived in the same place a long time, and she is not used to change. In moving to the USA, there are many, many, many big changes, and it is all very hard for her. I understand all this, and more... like I said, for me, I just need patience and to show her everything will be OK. Patience, patience, patience. The love, respect, and all the other feelings we have for each other make it worth waiting for. I'm just saying, it's very very hard to wait when, as an American, I want it all right now ;D
IrishGuy65:
--- Quote from: David E on July 27, 2013, 05:46:36 pm ---Patric...
A quote that we are all familiar with..."You can take a horse to water...but you cant make it drink" !!!
I lost count of the number of times that Ming (my wife) got the "wobblies" when she contemplated the HUGE changes that would happen if and when she upped sticks and came to Aus.
Maxx and the guys will remember my feeling of being helpless in this scenario. Every time we had an attack of the jitters I would hop on a plane and go and try to sort it out. I got utterly sick of travelling to Chengdu, and even began to hate China because I was always going there in an emergency !!
However, my own feelings for Ming drove me to be more calm and patient with her than I would normally be over anything !...helped a lot by all the guys on our site.
In the end, as she now can verbalise, she knew that if she wanted to be with me badly enough, she was going to have to trust me and trust that I would support her and help her in every possible way to overcome all the nasties of leaving a native Country, family, friends, job...the whole 9 yards.
Ultimately, if your Lady is unable to make this leap of faith, she will back away from the relationship. All you can do is to continue to convince her that you are committed enough and strong enough to get her through the change process and give her a better life.....but sadly, that will be her decision to make, not yours.
I hope for both of you that she can see through the immediate worries and come to understand that her best bet in life is to be with you....good luck
David
--- End quote ---
David,
Thanks so much for giving me your story. It sounds very very similar to mine. I just wish I could go to China whenever I wanted. Like you, or Willy who moved to China and lives there now, or Gerry who spent a LOT of time with Fiona in China, I would be there right now if I could be. I make plenty of money, but I have to be working to make it, so that is the biggest drawback for me. Your comments are very helpful... thanks!
IrishGuy65:
--- Quote from: shaun on July 28, 2013, 09:49:19 pm ---IG,
I understand your feeling about all of this. It was the same for me and many others who have made this journey. I'm sure you can find somewhere on a thread on this site how I felt that I couldn't make it separated without Peggy. But here I am 3 years later and I am doing fine. Not great but fine. It isn't easy but it isn't anything I can't handle. I don't think you are needy like 5trout said (sorry guy) you are very lonely after having one of the best experiences of your life with a woman.
I hope you don't have to wait as long as I am having to. Some guys breeze right through the immigration process and some, like me, struggle through it. There isn't any rhyme or reason that I can see except financial. Through my time I owned a store that went bankrupt. Now I've started a new on. It is slowly growing and it appears that it will be successful. It is 10 months old; still a little early to tell.
Use your time well. Study Chinese culture. This will really excite her when you begin to tell her what you have learned. Study the language as best you can. Learn to make Chinese food. Peggy really gets into seeing my creations of awful Chinese food that I make. She looks at it and says it looks awful. It tastes pretty good to me most of the time. Find the Chinese society where you live. They are a great resource. Do your best to make Chinese friends in your community. It isn't easy where I live but I've managed too. That will come in handy when she comes to America as she will need friends here.
I'm sure others will have good suggestions.
But don't obsess about being separated. She needs to see strength in you. It is OK to let her know you miss her and that you are lonely but don't let it become the center of your conversation.
--- End quote ---
shaun,
I've been watching your story, and I'm sure things will work out for you. Thanks for sharing this.
Also, thanks for all your advice here. It isn't anything I can't handle. I just don't want to, if you understand my meaning ;D I especially like your advice not to make it the center of conversation. I've been trying to do just that.
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