The fine art of haggling with your husband.

[fivetrout]

For the past week my wife Hong has asked me to pay her debts (Credit cards) now that I am her husband. Meanwhile, she is very distressed with her father on his death bed. He's at the point where he's pumped up on drugs to keep him comfortable. All family members have come to sit with him a awhile from all over china. Anyway, Hong and I had no skype only skype text as the internet is weak there. You can understand the pressure she is under. She would treat me hot and cold every other day. Very loving one moment then in a near rage the next. I could only interpret her words with text and poor translation. She threatened our marriage a few times and really showed her displeasure with me. I could not get any clear answers to my questions, and when I tried to explain why she had to wait for my help, she turned a blind eye to the realities of the situation with me. Furthermore, an uncle of hers...belittled me has a husband...citing Chinese culture, and that our marriage was a joke. I relentlessly heard "you don't love me or you would help me" line. I was unhappy with her behavior, and told her she was being a child and brat, and to never use the words love and money in the same sentence! Last night she returned home to Wuhan, and this morning skyped me. I hadn't seen her face for a few weeks even though messages flew back and forth almost non-stop the entire time. This was our first battle within our marriage. She always conceded that our love was real and sincere, but that it may not be enough! So today when I saw her face to face...she stared me down...then sent happy face icons and laughter...then broke into big smiles. I then realized...I'd been had! Hong was giving me the royal business and working me over! Our issues have still not been resolved, and she stated "No sexa" on my next trip to china. haha! At one point during the exchanges...I thought of applying the 24 hour rule, but again, that's not me. A few times I gave her both barrels as I became angry. I told her if ever she referred to our marriage as a joke (her uncle's words) there would be Hell to pay!  At sign off and goodbyes she returned to the sweet girl i love so much. I now can't call her "my girl" as she thinks I'm referring to someone else! When she saw me unshaven today, I told her I'd clean up soon. Hong says NO! Other women won't want you this way! haha

[Willy The Londoner]

Sorry to hear that you are going through this spate.

Is her debt just a small amount or has it grown as she been paying for her fathers medicine. Medical treatment in China is not cheap when you weigh it against the daily earnings of a average person.

I cannot remember how you two met but if it was through chnlove then no doubt they will be pressing her for a huge success fee.

Other members of the family could well be against your marriage, Chinese marrying foreigners of a different race is not accepted in some Chinese minds. It was the same 50 years ago in the UK.  Luckily most foreigners do not understand the odd quip that is made about them in the street and stores, especially by jealous Chinese men.

I regard myself as being lucky in in that my wife and I have never had words about money, or other women.  The only time I have spoken loudly is when she is driving and does something that is outrageous even by Chinese standards. But she will just tell me to 'hush my lips'. And when we finish the journey she will just smile and say that she is a bad driver!

But lets face it you were married for two weeks then you left, her friends and some of her family are no doubt ribbing her about whether you will be back or not. This coupled with her fathers failing condition and the money she is having to contribute to his treatment is surely going to have an effect on any relationship, especially a long distance one.

If you had waited until your next trip to marry then maybe you would not be in this position now.  The rest of the family would have accepted you more after that. OK you may THINK that they have already, but believe me the Chinese, especially women, are are adept had hiding what they are really thinking.

Approaching my 5th winter here now and if I have learned anything it is that you will never truly understand the mind of a Chinese woman.

Try to curb the anger and remember the 24 hour rule is one you should remember and not go in blasting if things upset you.

I will not bring up the fact that when you married you never really new about each other because what is done is done but I think that her present circumstances are a lot more difficult than you imagine.

Willy

[maxx]

You all see what Willy posted.If not read it learn it.Live by it.

[Martin]

Well said Willy...except the part where you mentioned never being able to fully understand a Chinese woman...for me personally, I would scratch out the word Chinese, and just leave it at women.

[fivetrout]

No worries guys. No medical debts, just credit card debts. At present it's going smoothly and the excitement is building for getting her here, and yes, Robert is guiding me.

And Hong is very anxious to speak with a wife who has come to the US! As usual, she is getting bad information from clueless people. So If there are wives that are interested and willing... send me a message with # and beat time for her to call.

Willy didn't quite grasp what my message was. This wasn't a nasty fit by her...she was fishing with different baits for the most part. haha  Hong is a confirmed keeper, even if she says so herself!

[Willy The Londoner]

Willy didn't quite grasp what my message was. This wasn't a nasty fit by her...she was fishing with different baits for the most part. haha  Hong is a confirmed keeper, even if she says so herself!

I think I did grasp your message. I was not refering to her failings I was referring to the situation that you have put yourself in by going ahead with a marriage so soon after you have met for the first time.   You are not yet fully aware of the culture your in laws have been instilled with over thousands of years.  You cannot read and learn you have to participate and learn.

Just do not get her too excited about getting to the USA at this early stage. You have a long way to go and many more experiences such as this before she steps foot on American soil.  Some on here have been waiting too long, many years in fact, and have only just managed it or have even not done so yet.

Just take things a bit easy because your trials and tribulations have only just begun.

Willy


 

[JohnB]

Martin, "....for me personally, I would scratch out the word Chinese, and just leave it at women."

'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.'
Sam Kinison
see Marriage Philosophers..
http://www.chnromance.com/index.php/topic,134.msg65422.html#msg65422