Just when........

[David E]

[DavidE, I look at this strictly as a gender issue. No more than that. Your answer should have been YES. It does not matter the situation,
it is just that will you be there for her in times of distress, danger, or whatever threatening event. You are her husband!
Or, you can just avoid the rocky shoreline & the pounding waves. Running away to find help proves problematical (fatal) unless she is standing on a rock waiting for help.

 The thing is, just file your lie in the file with the rest of everything else. Let it meld in time with all the good things.

John B:

Cant undo what I said....I said I would not jump in !!!....and I was truthful about it.

Besides, at some point in time a sound and healthy relationship should not need to proceed with a slow drip of lies to keep the peace....been there, done that !!!....dont like it.
I have demonstrated with DEEDS, not only WORDS that I would and have done everything within my power to give us both a good life...happy to do so, we are a mature married couple and dont want to go through this all again.

I feel sure that the article in question was the subject of much discussion between her and her mates BEFORE she broached the question with me....hence the possible loss of face issue.

I cant for the life of me understand why it has reached such a terminal situation in her mind...menopause is one consideration (good point)

I have done nothing to inflame or change the current situation....just sitting here waiting for her to do something which is TOTALLY against my inclinations 

Just had a phone request from my Bank to approve a Credit Card transaction.....air fare to China.....

If she goes....I wont let her come back !!!!

[JohnB]

sorry Dave, I did modify a few words in that post of mine.

it is a delicate situation you have. I fully understand the QQ mentality that is pervasive with our Chinese wives. Still, I think it (QQ) works both ways.
Maybe the situation of "re- direction" presents well now. A "surprise"! I read your feelings. I do not know Ming's, other than she is pissed royal.
I think best you present calmness, buy her flowers, take her out to a nice quiet dinner somewhere. Just get off the subject of this torment. It is not a healthy
situation to pursue.

[maxx]

Ok you guys are making some good points.Menopause the lose of face.Giving her time to figure this out.All great ideas. I think her going to China by herself is a good idea.

Lets skip over that for now.And lets look at what started this.David wouldn't jump in the water.To try to save his best friend.Even though David can't swim.David was thinking about running down the beach and getting some help.Which is the right answear.But it is not the answear that David's wife wants to hear.She wants to hear that David would jump in the water.Giving up his life to save her life.What David's wife was after was To know. If David loved her enough to make that sacrifice.To know that someone loved her enough to trade there life for hers.

David is probably one of the smartest guys I know.He has twice the education that I do.And he dam sure writes better then I do.But that means nothing when it comes to something like this.it has nothing to do with brains or brawn.It is a simple matter of a affair of the heart.For his wife.She was looking for reassurance that she had made the right choice.For her sole mate.She was looking for reassurance that her man would do anything for her.

Try to look at it this way.Your wife walks up to you.And says hey do these jeans make my bum look to big.If you don't want to sleep with the dog.You had better tell her.That those jeans make her bum look very nice.

[maxx]

Sorry my computer was trying to eat my post again.Anyway I don't know what they call it in Aussie land.But here in the states.We just call it being tactfull.Is it a lie technically yes.Doe's it keep the peace yes.Does anybody get hurt by it? No.As men we tell each other what we think of each other.Dam the bad feelings or the repercussions.Girls are the same with other girls.They say what they want. It is a totally different deal when it is a man and a women.whoever is asking the question is  looking to see if there partners answear matches theres.If it doe's it's all the better.If not then there is going to be hell to pay.

FACE.did David wife loose some some face when she told her so called friends what David said.Yes she brought it on herself.And that probably made her madder.Because the so called  friends were telling her what a bad choice she made when she married David.They are telling her that Because they don't have it as good as David's wife doe's.So they are jealous.And if they are miserable everybody else around them needs to be miserable.

David's wife needs a intervention.And she will probably get it from her family when she goes back to China.She needs to be reminded how it used to be for her in China.Last time David's wife went off the rails.A uncle or brother stepped in and told her.How bad she was about to mess this up.this kind of thinking is nothing unusual for a Chinese woman.For the first year of me and my wife's marriage.I used my mother in law to give my wife a intervention.At least a couple of times.

[maxx]

After getting ripped a couple of times by her own mother.My wife would slow down and start to think about what she was doing our how she was acting.

Anyway let her go to China.But leave the dam door open.She will want to come back in a couple of weeks or months.And everything will be back to normal.If you close that door.It is allot harder to get it opened again.

[JohnB]

Maxx, "David is probably one of the smartest guys I know.He has twice the education that I do.And he dam sure writes better
then I do.But that means nothing when it comes to something like this.it has nothing to do with brains or brawn.It is a simple
matter of a affair of the heart..."

I think maybe time for the engineer to forfeit hard dimensioning in favor of poetry，such as it is a delicate balance that requires some deep
thinking. As I recall when I met Jing...there will be a few difficult times because of the cross- cultural mis- understandings that will certainly
come into play. We have to be ready for it, identify it, & adjust accordingly. Maxx, I suppose your '24 hour rule' is very appropriate in
situations we fully do not understand as happens.

[Willy The Londoner]

Sorry to hear that things are accelerating a little with your bank asking you to approve a card payment for the air fare. 

That means that she has booked that without discussing it with you further first!   If you had not authorised it then she would have more gripes to make, but if you did then again she could say you want to get rid of her! It is a 'no win scenario' mate.

I hope for your sake that this is just a storm in a teacup but I think that there is a strong possibility that there is something more to this than it being a case of answering a question with an unwanted answer.

I presume that everything went well whilst you were in Bali and this only occurred after your return?  I hope that you were no eyeing up too many bikini clad women there?

With you being one of the more highly educated ones on this forum then you will know better than any if there could be any possible underlying reasons for this sudden wish to return to China? 

I really hope that you can get this sorted pretty soon mate for both your sakes.

If she does go to China let her go with your blessings, tell her that the door will always be open on her return.

Willy

[David E]

The muddy waters just cleared a little bit...

Ming is a comitted Buddhist, you may all recall in the early days we went through a crisis whereby her local Buddhist Priest told her that marriage to a Lao wei would be a disaster...(you may also recall that we had a few testy discussions vis-a-vis "unequally yoked" between me and some of the Bros on matters religious 

Thanks to good advice...I hopped on a plane and fronted this Priest in Chengdu (Ming was there too !!) and after a long discussion, and after he had peered deply into my eyes and had a good look at my soul etc etc he declared that I was a good guy after all and she would have a lifetime happiness if we married. ( I hasten to add that the fat wad of RMB that I shoved into the collection box had absolutely nothing to do with his change of heart).

Problem solved..............

Ming is now studying at a local College...she wants to get a formaL Teaching qualification so that she can teach in Perth, so she needs a supplementary Aus qualification to update and validate her Chinese Degree.

In this College she has got herself mixed up with a bunch of Chinese Born Again Christians (Catholics to be precise), they have worked on her and more or less convinced her to convert...with the whole Baptism, Catechism, Dogma, Communion etc etc. While they were at it, they naturally expressed a wish that her husband should convert too............when she told them about my religious views, they promised her that I would spend eternity in horrible turmoil in the fires of hell and that she would have to be right there along side of me if she could not make me convert to Catholicism.

Knowing that I would never be party to this, she has convinced herself that the marriage must end. The "drowning woman" scenario was a test that the scaly BAC provided to prove to her that I was an evil, cursed, selfish Man who desperately needed salvation.

So now she is going to Chengdu, armed with intros to Catholic Groups there, where presumably she will complete her conversion.

Sadly, none of this will include me...I wont under any circumstances have anything to do with it.

So here it all ends...and I think SHE is the real loser.

[Scottish_Robbie]

David I am so sorry to read this thread about you and ~Ming...As a non practicing catholic, I understand your thoughts these people are the worst.  I hope it all gets sorted mate.....Would be a sad end!!

[Robertt S]

The muddy waters just cleared a little bit...

Ming is a comitted Buddhist, you may all recall in the early days we went through a crisis whereby her local Buddhist Priest told her that marriage to a Lao wei would be a disaster...(you may also recall that we had a few testy discussions vis-a-vis "unequally yoked" between me and some of the Bros on matters religious 

Thanks to good advice...I hopped on a plane and fronted this Priest in Chengdu (Ming was there too !!) and after a long discussion, and after he had peered deply into my eyes and had a good look at my soul etc etc he declared that I was a good guy after all and she would have a lifetime happiness if we married. ( I hasten to add that the fat wad of RMB that I shoved into the collection box had absolutely nothing to do with his change of heart).

Problem solved..............

Ming is now studying at a local College...she wants to get a formaL Teaching qualification so that she can teach in Perth, so she needs a supplementary Aus qualification to update and validate her Chinese Degree.

In this College she has got herself mixed up with a bunch of Chinese Born Again Christians (Catholics to be precise), they have worked on her and more or less convinced her to convert...with the whole Baptism, Catechism, Dogma, Communion etc etc. While they were at it, they naturally expressed a wish that her husband should convert too............when she told them about my religious views, they promised her that I would spend eternity in horrible turmoil in the fires of hell and that she would have to be right there along side of me if she could not make me convert to Catholicism.

Knowing that I would never be party to this, she has convinced herself that the marriage must end. The "drowning woman" scenario was a test that the scaly BAC provided to prove to her that I was an evil, cursed, selfish Man who desperately needed salvation.

So now she is going to Chengdu, armed with intros to Catholic Groups there, where presumably she will complete her conversion.

Sadly, none of this will include me...I wont under any circumstances have anything to do with it.

So here it all ends...and I think SHE is the real loser.

I hate it for you David, there is one thing that will happen sooner or later though. You can look forward to knowing that she will soon meet some of the born again hypocrites and then she will most likely understand that religion is just as corrupt as politics. Then perhaps maybe she will understand that she has " to borrow a term from my veteran grandfather" sh!t in her own mess kit!

Hope things work out for the best!
Robert

[fivetrout]

My two cents. Tell her you will enroll and take a class in rough water rescue...should the need ever arise. And perhaps improve your swimming capabilities. However, this will only respond to the symptom, not any underlying issues.

[Martin]

As a former Protestant, and converted Catholic (opposite of Mike), I am thoroughly disgusted by what you wrote. The Bible (whether or not you want to read it) says nothing about people scaring someone into religion. In fact, the basic principles of Buddhism and Christianity are really not that far apart...peace, love, understanding. From there, they do take different turns, but I am not wanting to get into debate about religion here. I am sorry that these people have done this to her, and to you. I do wish people can keep their noses out of other peoples business. The bible also speaks against divorce...do these pin heads realize that they are causing a break in a marriage?  Such short sighted do good gooders drive me nuts. Again, I am so sorry to hear of this rift in your marriage.

[shaun]

David, I feel for you as a brother.   I know this must be gut wrenching for you.  I will keep you and your wife in my thoughts and prayers and hope that all can be resolved to both of your satisfactions.

I will stay out of the religious aspect of all of this and at some point may talk about it in the proper place in the religion thread.  But for now I will refrain and be about my work and business that consumes most of my time these days.

[Neil]

At my wife's first interview, the interviewer told me that they were concerned about our differences in upbringing and religion.  It's always difficult for a marriage to survive when two people have different beliefs.  It would be easy to blame these differences as the reason for the marriage problems.  My concern is deeper.  If a woman can forsake her lifelong religion and change her beliefs to align with some people she recently met, and forsake her marriage to a man she loves, I have to wonder about this woman's core motives.  What drives a woman to change so drastically? 

Honestly, it scares the hell out of me, and it's something that I'm sure we all worry about.  Everyone says, is it a scam?  Will she come home, and then take everything and leave?  We've all heard stories of the lady being told things behind her husband's back that aren't true, usually by some other broken Chinese woman.

How can we guard against something like this?  I don't know if there is any answer. 

David, I'm truly sorry to read what's happening, and I apologize for speaking harshly about your wife.  I hope things can be resolved. 

[maxx]

Neil good question.How can you stop your wife's friends from talking bad about you behind your back.Action speak loader then words.If you treat your wife right.She may or may not see it.Hopefully your wife will already know that your a good person.And the stuff your wife's friends are saying about you just go's in one ear and out the other.Or you can always confront said friends.That has worked for me a couple of times.

As far as Religion go's it is a slippery slope.And people do go from one to the other.Because they think there current religion isn't giving them what they need.Then Have someone hammer on you about there religious beliefs.And if your open to hear what they got to say it doesn't take long for them to make you a convert.