I need some major help and advice.

[Chad]

I am posting this to get the opinion of people who are married to a Chinese woman or have an understanding of a Chinese woman. Or may be a Chinese woman as I know there are some on this website.

I have discussed this with a very a couple of friends of mine but their perspective isn’t the same. So I thought I would post this here to see the response. I welcome any and all comments, good or bad.

In May 2011 I married a Chinese woman (Toni) in China and I first met her in March 2011.

Finally in November 2012 she received her visa and she came home to the USA with me. I had visited her once in September 2011 and then when she got her visa in November 2012 I was in China again to bring her back with me. We spent almost two hours every evening talking on QQ while she was still in China. I thought we had a very promising future together. Her English isn’t the greatest but using translation software I think the message was always delivered and received from either of us.

From the beginning when we married I just felt that things weren’t as they seemed. She asked for money on a monthly basis as soon as we were married and I started sending her $650 a month. Of course no one made me give her the money but I was in love. 

As soon as she got here she said I had to continue to send money back to China for her family. I told her that was unfair as I could not afford to keep two households running. So she said then she would move to Denver to work for a friend in a massage parlor to make money for her family. She said she would only be gone for three to four months then she would come back to me. She was here less than a month then I gave her the money to fly to Denver. She asked if I could continue to send $650 a month to her family until she started making money. I agreed to send money for three more months.

She left early January 2013. When she got to Denver she talked to me once in a while on QQ. Her English skills were barely ok and we had trouble talking to each other. She would not get on QQ and talk like we had when she was in China. I continued to send her family the money. Then when I stopped after the three months she started only talking to me maybe once a week and then for only a couple of minutes and she refused to let me see her anymore on QQ. That was at the end of March 2013. Whenever I called her she would not answer the phone. The talks got farther and further apart. Then she tells me that she had gotten into an argument with her friend and she moved out into someone else’s massage parlor and she was working and living there 24 hours a day. I told her that our agreement was for her to live with her friend not into some strange massage parlor. I asked her where she was living and what is the address and phone number and she said it wasn’t any of my business. Then she started calling me even less. She said she was massaging feet all the time and had no time.

During April and May she called me maybe twice each month but still she would not let me see her and she would call and just not say anything and if I asked her any question except like how if the weather she would hang up on me.

I contacted a friend we had both met in China who lived out west somewhere and asked her to call my wife to see what was going on. She called her but my wife pretty much told her that she didn’t care what I had to say and that she would come back to me in two years when her visa was to expire. She was going to do just what she wanted and it was no concern to her what I wanted nor was she interested in our marriage.

In the beginning of June my wife called and told me she was so tired and she wanted to go back to China. She asked if I would help her get a plane ticket. I told her yes and asked when she wanted to go. She hung up on me and I did not hear from her again until the middle of October.

I had bought her a phone and a new laptop when she first arrived here and she took them with her to Denver. Since it was my phone I had the tracking device enabled on it so I would know about where she was. I told her I was doing this and it made her furious. I told her since she wouldn’t tell me where she was I needed to know since she was my wife. She didn’t care and she thought I was spying on her and treating her like a criminal. I felt I had no choice but to track her.

You read all the time about people simply using immigrants and I was worried about what was going on with her.

The first part of July I called her friend (Ying) who she had went to Denver to live with. Her friend was a little hesitant to talk to me. She said she hadn’t talked to my wife in a few months. I told her that I could not get a hold of her and asked her if she could see if she could find my wife. She reluctantly agreed to help me. She said she would go to where she worked and talk to her.

The friend called me back a few days later. She had went to the massage parlor and talked to the people, one person said she left a few days ago for vacation and another person said she had been gone for more than a week. So she wasn’t sure what was going on.

Then Ying proceeded to spill her guts about my wife. They have been friends for around ten years or so. They had even lived together for a while in China. Ying has lived in America for around two to three years and at one time she owned a massage parlor.

Ying said that as soon after Toni had moved out of her house and into the massage parlor that she and the owner had become boyfriend and girlfriend. She said that Toni had simply used me in China to make me buy her things and to send her money and that she hadn’t loved me at all. She said that Toni understood about her only being able to stay here for two years and she didn’t care that she would just go back to China after that. Ying’s advice to me was to simply forget about my wife. I don’t know if I believe all or any of this.

A few days ago I asked my wife about this and of course she said it was all a lie and that the reason she moved out of Ying’s house in the first place was that it was a prostitution house and that her friend was a prostitute.

I went to see the immigration people in town in June and they said thanks for the information but there was nothing they could or would do. He said if I did get a divorce to send him the paper work so he could put in on file. His advice to me was to simply forget about it. He says that it happens all the time.

I saw a lawyer about a divorce and she said that yes I can get a divorce but that it may take a while.

When my wife contacted me last month she told me that she wanted a divorce. After all the pain she has caused me I told her fine, that I would get papers made and send them to her. Although I am not too sure the papers from here and she signs them in China if they are legal or not. My lawyer said they would be legal as long as my wife signed them.  It took the papers 29 days to arrive in China. Then she tells me that she left some clothes at my house when she moved and that she wants them back before she will sign the papers. So $200 later the clothes are on the way and just two weeks later they get there.

Last weekend she tells me that now she doesn’t want a divorce and that she misses me so much and loves me and if I let her return to America she will never leave me again. She said she would pay her own way back and she would not ask me for any money for her family back in China and that she would try to find a job to make her own money.

On one hand I think I should just tell her goodbye and forget about her. But she will not sign the divorce papers in China. I asked her if she would sign them once she gets to America if I let her come back. Of course she said she would. If she does then if she misbehaves I can simply file the papers and be done with her, unless of course she refuses to sign them when she gets here. I told her that I would not use the divorce papers if she was a happy wife and of course she said she would be a happy and loving wife.

If I don't let her return how will I ever get a divorce from her?

Maybe she is telling the truth, it’s just so hard to understand what motivates her.

It is always interesting hearing what the members have to say here, so I thought I would put this out for everyone to read and comment on if they feel like it. Maybe I will get some good advice or maybe I will hear what I don’t want to hear but it’s worth the effort to me to hear what everyone has to say.

[David E]

Chad

My guess is that she is now stuck in China and cant get the money for an air-fare back to USA. She wants to come back to begin the whole charade again. So she "changes colour" again and declares her love....yeah !!!!

You are incidental in her machinations...dont kid yourself.

You can go to China and file for divorce there...cheaper !!!

Dont let her back into USA.

Just my 2 cents worth.

[shaun]

Chad,

You have a lot more patience that I would have.  I wouldn't have let her go to Denver.  I would have sent her back to China.  David is right.  I'd go to China and finalize the divorce and be done with her.  She doesn't love you now.  She only thinks you are foolish enough to fall for it all again.

The real question here is are you?

Shaun

[froseman]

Hi Chad,
How old is your Chinese wife?  What town is your wife from?

Fred

[Pineau]

Chad,
It is not that hard to divorce a woman that is not around. Just send her the papers. Have  her served by the court at her last know address. She must respond or forfeit. It will take time, Lots of time but for God's sake do not let her back into the USA. You will regret it. You are lucky that she is stuck in China.  Don't fall for any sob stories. she put a knife in your ribs, and is ready for another round once she convinces you that her love is sincere.   Please think with your head. You must be heartbroken and devastated but you need to protect yourself because she is out to take you for all she can get.

Now I have some really bad news for you about the massage parlors here in Denver. There are some legitimate businesses here. One is national chain called massage envy and a few attached to a school in Boulder. There are also many of  freelance operators but they are trained professionals from the school in boulder of from China, Very small operations. The other parlors are without a doubt, whore houses. There are two notorious places on the west side of Denver. I have driver past them and see the type of rif-raf that hangs around the parking lots. Nearly all the workers are young sexy Chinese girls and the clientele is 100% male. open f all hours of the day or night.

Once just for fun I drove through the parking lot of the most notorious one on the outskirts of Denver.  I had a movie camera in my hand and hung out the window filming peoples faces and license plates. I cleared the parking lot in less than two minutes with squealing tires and flying gravel on their exit. The city of Denver has shut down many over the 15 years I have been here but they just reopen under a different name, license and location.  I don't need to repeat what type of places these are.

[maxx]

Chad

I really don't have anything to add.I think the brothers have it figured out.Don't let this woman play you anymore.Leave her in China.

[fivetrout]

Wow Chad, it's unbelievable you were so gullible. At first mention of going to Denver was a huge red flag! Right there it tells you there is no marriage! Unless you are in a hurry to marry again, let her stew. Before long she will beg you for a divorce, as she lines up another sap.(sorry). I would also report her to the Chinese authorities and American Embassy to make sure she doesn't get another interview. If me, I would burn or donate all her stuff and declare good riddens! I suspect that there was a relationship all along with the clown in Denver. She is a pro and played all your weakness's! Next time man up to your own self respect. I know this is harsh, but you seem to be actually wavering!

[Pineau]

I just re-read your first post.  NO NO NO. you don't need her signature to get a divorce. I am a case in point. My wife refused to show up in court over and over again. The judged got tired and issued a divorce order.  She never signed a single paper and never stepped inside a courtroom. I won because she was playing the hard ass bitch and the Judge would not have it.

Really. sever all ties with her. dont talk to her and do not answer her calls.

 I think you are wavering because you are hurt and confused. Stand tall and get angry, get even or your going to get hurt again.

 I agree with five trout. I would black list her at the US embassy and I would do it tomorrow morning just in case she gets her "boyfriend" to spring for her ticket.

[Martin]

There has to be a way to get a divorce without her. If it was me, I would be very thankful that she is in china and away from the USA. Let her stay there. It's way too obvious that she is playing you, for that magical green card (I think that's what you guys have there). Steer clear of her. If you cave, the promises she makes you right now will echo in your ears, while she is back in Denver. She is only being loving now because she needs you. If she didn't need you, you wouldn't hear a word.

[fivetrout]

Chad, this is very sad story. This is one of those stories we read about, and fear! But it also serves as a reminder for those here to proceed with eyes wide open! Love is blind and fantasies seem real enough to drop guards and to give trust. Even with the most sincere women and men...things can change quickly without any warning, from her or you. I have taken a leap of faith of sorts with my wife, but my senses are keen and my self proclaimed positions of matters are clearly drawn. No one can see the future, but my self respect and principles I have... will remain intact. Never give away who you are!

[Arnold]

Chad, sorry you have to go through this awful situation.

I think the the base of your problem lies right here within....

In May 2011 I married a Chinese woman (Toni) in China and I first met her in March 2011.



I know we here encourage Members to go early after meeting them on the Internet (Chnlove or others) like 6 months or earlier. This can be great, but not to marry so soon. How could you really get to know your Wife in a couple of months? Love is blind and you Chad proved it ones more. Yes, I did marry on my first Trip (two days after I arrived), but... and here is the big but! Qing and I build a foundation in seven months of writing (honestly) that would easy equal 2-3 years of being together. By honest writing I mean, receiving answers to my questions, signs that only you would get from someone that really loves you (without asking for any such). This my friend is all written in my Blog tosee. I also see Qing is one in million, but this is what you have do on your end to be sure.. who is one the other end.
Too late now and of course I would not let such a Woman/Wife/Scam artist get the best of me. Stay away and save your sanity (keep her on the other side of that Great Wall) cut your loss's before it get even deeper into the heartship.

[LP]

Run forrest run,these guys are telling you the truth.

[Willy The Londoner]

I am sorry to hear what has transpired between you and this women. I hasten not to call her your wife. 

I know that one or two have been married shortly after meeting face to face for the first time after a long term courtship by email and and other media.  But it is not to be recommended. 

I must go on saying this for ever.  You need to meet face to face before you can even start to consider marriage.  So many men on this and other forums talk of falling in love by media!  More such marriages fail than succeed.

You have to walk away from this one.  It is only going to cause you more pain and anguish in the future.

Within two months of arriving in the USA she was off and you continued to send money to China - that is nearly a year now. Her contact with you has come to an almost halt and you still continued sending the money!

No doubt she can come and go into the USA at anytime until her visa expires.  By then she will have got her hooks into another or many others.

She could be in contact with others and arrange to 'fly to the USA' to meet them and only ask for a refund of fare after she arrive. Who could resist that, no show and they do not pay offer!  She can then take a internal flight and he gives her the money for a flight from China and she gives him two weeks together enjoying the 'fruits of love' to ensnare the guy further and it ends up with him sending her regular monthly payments to her China account.

She is building up a nice little nest egg for the time when she eventually retires to China to live well.

I do not know what the procedure is for a divorce in the USA nor in the UK come to that but I know that one member of this forum would not pay for a USA divorce and waited for his wife to divorce him in China without him having to return here.  He will be the one to advise on this but he has been quiet of late.

Stop sending her any more money. Wake up and smell the coffee! You have unfortunately been used by a very conniving women. The marriage is a sham and the sooner you notify the US authorities and cut off all contacts with her the better.

Your story is one that everyone who contemplates such an East West relationship dreads happening to them.

Willy

[ChinaBound]

    Chad,

Based on my personal experience you can obtain a divorce from her even though she is still in China. Takes a little while {mine was 8 months} but it can be done. I did all the paperwork myself.

I would cut all ties with her and proceed in this direction. I also filed a report with ICE here to be put in my files for the future. I included my story and all the back up emails that she sent and what I sent  when she was trying to get me to pay for everything and it showed her demeanor and thoughts at the end of our relationship and prior to it ending.

Its a tough time but it can be put behind you if you just proceed forward. As they say when 1 door closes another opens. As with me it all worked out but not before I was looked upon as a terrible person. Knowing her for 3 years before we got together has made a big difference in the relationship and with travel visas to and from. It is now the start of us knowing each other for 5 years and it is such a breath of fresh air now after what I went thru with 2 other ladies.

I now have a good life with my new wife here in China and she is currently enjoying her stay here in California as we came back for 3 months. If I had to do it all over I would wait a year before marriage. 

I am fortunate with her as she is a modern lady with her traditional thoughts still imbedded in her but they are not absolutes as to how life should be lived.

Best wishes in this and I hope that you do cut your ties before it just gets worse for you. If this is what you want there is another lady out there just waiting for a good guy.

[JustJim]

Chinese women are women...  they are not magic women.  They are not pure and holy beyond all human reason.

My point is that it still comes down to the man to be wise and to choose a good woman.  I can't explain what that woman is.  All I can do is to draw on what I have learned from my marriage and from the other women I dated.  Perhaps I should say that I know what I do NOT want.  Now I just have to find what I DO want.  And then I have to be man enough to be the leader in that relationship.

I know - I am not helping you - I am just sounding off.  I think you know you picked a lemon. 

Now you know what you need to do.  You need to LEARN from this...

Learn what it is that you did wrong in picking this woman.  Learn how to recognize what a good woman is.  Either learn or repeat the mistake again and again.