Issues of right or wrong

[Martin]

OK, an issue has developed between a couple of the brothers, and I want to look at this issue right away.

It turns out, that two brothers were writing to the same lady.  And the lady was writing both guys back.  Now, one of them has suggested that either the agency or the translator are to blame for this.  And I have done some thinking on this issue.

How many men out there are writing to multiple women?  Who is to blame for this?  Since when do we hold exclusive rights on a certain woman?  While I find the behaviour distasteful, I can't see that the agency has done anything wrong.  And if the translator did the job that she was paid to do, then how did she do wrong?

I was told that in one letter, the translator left a ps at the end of the letter, letting him know that he need not worry, as the lady loved him.  Is this indicative of bad behaviour?  Could it not be true that the lady does love him, and the translator was easing his mind on the issue?  I fail to see where the agency or translator are at wrong, for a woman choosing to write to more than one man.

Is this not the same game that a lot of men play?  Or are we such a male dominated society, that what is good for the man, is not acceptable for the lady to do?  The person that is to blame is the lady.  She should have advised both men that she was writing to others.  At least, they would have known what they were getting in to.  Is it the job of the agency/translator to do this for them?  And if that answer is yes, then it is also up to these same agencies/translators to advise the woman if the man she is writing to is doing the same.

Just my thoughts.

[Neil]

http://www.chnlove.info/showthread.php?tid=59

This is a good reason we have the list of people and the ladies they are writing.  It's a shame a relationship seemed to progress quite far before the truth was discovered.  As it is, I see only one of of the two involved in this list.  Guys, it's in your own best interest.:-/

[Ed W]

I can't say I agree with the list since it only appeals to the insecurity of dating over the internet. It's like asking how many men she's slept with. Do you really need to know? What purpose does it serve?

Win her heart with genuine affection and open understanding. Hedging your bets only gets someone hurt. Maybe even you.

[Arnold]

Martin , you took my words right out of my Mind . This is what I have told Shane in a PM , to stay calm and it's not the end of the world . I know this can be a great shock of course , but like you said , are we different than the Lady's ? We come here with our own rule's of beheaviour . Some Man think it the same as back home , seeing your GF talking to another Man all lovey dovey , when it's a completely different situation here . Guess OUR western way of thinking will never change ?Ed , I must agree with you on that one . Good answer .

[Martin]

Well said Robert.  Thinking back, I had asked Zhifang if she was writing to anyone else.  As it was, she was not writing to anyone.  She admitted that she had written others in the past, but for whatever reason, things did not work out with these men.

The reason i posted this, is that one of the men involved had contacted me, and was quite upset.  This I can understand.  The part I did not understand was where he was saying this was all a scam, and the agency/translator was to blame.  He was also going to demand a full refund.  I will not comment on the refund part, but calling the agency/translator bad I don't think is quite fair, as I feel this was the ladies doing.

And since I am on the subject, I will also bring up that this is the same agency that I dealt with in meeting Zhifang.  The translator was also my translator, and someone I consider a friend.  I wanted to mention this, so it does not come out later, and have people question my motives.  I have tried to look at this situation in an objective way, and let my feelings stay out of this all.  I don't want people coming after me later, and saying I was taking sides.

[Vince G]

Lets get the facts straight. They were in communication in letters and webcam. SHE made promises and lead him on to believe he was the one. There were marriage plans being made. If she wasn't sure she shouldn't have lead him down that path.

The translator left notes that she loved only him. So she was in on it, knowing there were others. She should be horsewhipped. Leading him on as well for what a few bucks? Build a guy up to pull the rug out from underneath him? It's not right.

[Arnold]

Thanks Mike , your version backs up what Ed said in a more detailed way . A list of those kind of Women , is really not going to help anybody . It is up to the Man and the Woman he is writing to , to farther the relationship , ones the Translator has been removed from inserting to the Letter's written . This can take some time of course , till we have build a relationship strong enough to stand on it's own .
I have seen somewhere , that he only known her for one month ? Here is the problem ... not the Agency or Translator . To be Engaged to Marry after one month , no ... this does not end in a good way , most of the time if not all the time .

[Martin]

The translator left notes that she loved only him.

As far as I know, the translator left one note...and for all we know, this could be true.  When was the post script written?  Was the lady in question writing to two people at the same time?  Or did she start to write the second person when the first disappeared for awhile?

SHE made promises and lead him on to believe he was the one.

This brings me back to what I said before, the lady was in the wrong.  She should have said something.  But how many men that are writing to multiple women come out and tell their ladies they are not the only one being written to?  How many of these letters might also be filled with love?  I do not feel that this is an agency scam in any way.  This lady was wrong, I will admit to this.  But no more wrong than a lot of other players on chnlove.

[zook144]

Well, I guess it is time for me to put my 2 cents worth in. As I am the "other man" it seems in this instance. first let me say that I do not post a lot on the forum. I have a few posts, but I am the type of person that kind of looks on until I need advise or have something to say. I hope I did the right thing when i contacted Shane. I have talked with him and he seems to have no ill will towards me. I hope not. It was not my intention to screw things up for him. I just thought he should know. (did I do wrong?) It all started when I saw his post that he was talking with someone on webcam last night. So out of curiousity more than anything, I searched a few of the posts and saw who he was talking about. So, I thought,   "hmmmm....she is going to talk with me tonight also."
So I didn't say anything to her about another guy. I did ask her if she had made any decisions about who she was wanting to be with or talking with anyone else.  She said no you are the only one. and when are you coming to see me.  I told her maybe later this year.  Let me be clear, I did not have nearly as much invested with this lady as Shane had. I am only out a few letters and a couple Harley Davidson shirts I sent her for her birthday.  Then when I saw Shane's post that he was getting married in July, I thought it best to tell him.  The thing is,  we exchanged a few letters, then I stopped writing because I wondered about it, (as I am several years older than she), then I received a letter about a week ago asking what happened I stopped writing, she was really interested.  And as far as the translator goes (I understand she comes highly recommended) she was right there with her while she was doing the webcam. So she had to know the situation. Matter of fact I talked to her on the phone to set it up. Only I was given 2 different names for her.  I asked about that also, and was told she goes by both names.
So, to sum it up, yes the lady is mostly to blame. But I have to say some of it goes to the translator as well. Perhaps the agency didn't know about all this. I wondered why the translator went to the lady's home to do the webcams instead of at the agency. Maybe nothing hinky there, but I did wonder about it.  Now here is my dilema.....I was talking with 2 ladies at this same agency. Now how do I treat the other. All letters go through the translator. So how do I know what gets to the lady. I wrote the other lady this morning and told her the situation. And yes I told her I was in touch with other ladies. (but at least I have not been engaged or promised to another while writing) I never come right out and say "oh yeah, by the way I am writing 10 other women, how you doing today" but if they ask I tell them the truth.
So, anyway, thats my part of the story. I hope I am not the bad guy here.  I would want to know if it happened to me. And also I did not post who I was talking with because I was talking to 2 or 3 and nobody had committed to anything. I am not one to fall in love after 5 or 6 letters.
Don

[Martin]

OK...since I am also friends with the translator, let me mention two points you asked about.  She uses two names...like many Chinese people do.  One is her English name, and the other is the Chinese name.

As far as why it was done at the ladies house and not the agency...I will give you my best guess.  Sunday is her day off.  As far as I know, the agency is closed on Sunday.  So I am guessing that this is why it was done at her house.  I am also not sure why this would be part of the issue.

So why are we expecting the translator to police the women, when nobody is policing us?

[zook144]

Martin, I know the translator is a friend of yours, but for the record neither name was Chinese. The part about being Sunday and a day off is probably right
Don

[Martin]

Martin, I know the translator is a friend of yours, but for the record neither name was Chinese.

Then I stand corrected on that part.  Sunday is her day off though.  I certainly know that one well...i hated Sundays, because I knew I would get no letter.

[Scottish_Rob]

"I am pretty sure that after 3 months of exchanging letters, and I am completely certain that after 6 months of exchanging letters, my Lady and I were writing only to each other
it takes time for a relationship to build up, and in my case months ...

we became exclusive in several steps .... first of all I hid my profile, and the translator informed her, she mentioned it in a letter, wanted to know if she was the reason?"

Ditto Mike

I have to say to both Martin and Vince, although what I think (I will not say) I have to agree that what  both of you have said to some degree, you both have some merits...........And must not get into any sort of arguement or bad feelings, we are all here to 'find' the one we want to spend the rest of our life's with.  This is supposed to be a Brotherhood where we 'HELP EACH OTHER', not snipe and grunt at each other when things go bad....

Zook,
You were right to inform Shane about what you knew, as you have said, you would hope that if it happens to you, the other person would tell you.  I am sure that Shane does not hold any ill feelings towards you, as can only be expected, he IS HURT, and feels BETRAYED, who wouldn't in his shoes..And by the way, well done for fezzing up ....Read the signature

[Shane]

look I worte one woman and only one 25 emfs later i find out . that not only did wendy/xia do this but apple knew all along. apple posted more than once  that i should not worry wendy loves me.. MORE THAN ONCE cause i often express my concrens mostly early on about my distrust in thsi method, now i see i was dead on.. guys play with your hearts if you must.. i will not go down this road again. I know i was played buy apple the traslator and by the girl. I do not balme anyone for talking to her or her talking to them
I blame the fack 50 emf later i found out i was being toyed with
and she is the only woman i ever wrote here
so i can not be placed in the "how many have yu written" i thought i ad something.. actually i did have something.. a kick in the nuts .. just waiting to strike it hit me today

[Martin]

apple posted more than once that i should not worry wendy loves me

So...she was lying?  You know for certain that Wendy doesn't love you?  You said that Wendy agreed to marry you...would this not indicate that she loves you?  So how was "Apple" doing wrong in this situation.  She was doing her job...she is a translator...and this is what she did.  When did you ask Wendy how many others she was writing to?  Why do you expect Apple to police Wendy on your behalf?

Does this situation suck?  Absolutely!  Who is to blame?  In my opinion...Wendy!