Little Emperors - Mk 11

[David E]

Well.....I have just got through my first 3 months with the "Little Emperor" living with us.

I suspect my life expectancy has halved in this period, I notice my hair is greying rapidly and I get irrational feelings like murder, torture and throwing things, far more frequently !!!!!!!!!!

I begin to see the real ugly face of Male Chinese children, I begin to understand the vast cultural gulf that exists between me and him. But more importantly, I begin to understand that I cannot in any way rely on his Mother (my wife) to get involved in any issues that challenge his arrogance, that attempt to change some of his worst habits or that seek to impose on him any normal standards from my culture...she is just too culturally imprinted to go up against him.

Ming rushes round after him 24/7, she is visibly losing weight, is irritable and just plain overworked...but she cant/wont stop !!

Some specific issues that have caused friction...

He WONT eat any Western food...she therefore cooks 2 complete sets of meals every day.

He is used to a squat toilet and has no concept of toilet hygene and his toilet is always awash with urine all over the floor...she cleans it several times each day.

He demands she drives him everywhere...he does not have an Australian driving License....she can make 4 or 5 trips a day ferrying him around to his friends/school etc.

We were out in the Yard last Sunday...I was cleaning the Pool and I handed him a yard brush and told him to sweep the patio.....He bolted indoors and Mum came out and swept the patio...she told me that the yard brush was too hard on his hands and he wont do it !!!!!!!!

I also notice that in his bathroom he has 5 different hand creams, 4 different shampoos and more cosmetics than his Mum........ ..including hair spray, hair gel, laquer and many other junk I dont recognise.

He has told Mum that he wants to finish with English lessons...its too cold outside to go to school....and he wants her to buy a mountain of camera gear for him so he can start a photography Business. He also wants my daughter to make him a website for this Business (for free of course)...when he announced this at a family dinner the other day, my daughter just looked at him and said calmly..."get stuffed"...so you can see that he has already made a mighty impression on my family !!!!!!!

OK..that's the rant over...and thgat is only a few of the issues we have faced with this arrogant, bad-mannered little prick.......now what to do ?

My only way out of this is to set him up independantly from us...which means a huge expense for me...which I really dont feel inclined to spend, or to insist he goes back to China,(where I would have to support him anyway)

I guess that divorce is now looming as the only realistic outcome, because I feel that when push comes to shove, Ming will back him over me....as she has done so many times in the past 3 months

What a balls-up 

[Willy The Londoner]

I sympathise entirely with you David.  When my stepson was living with us for 5 months that was the most trying period of my relationship with my wife AND she was backing me up all the way not him! 

In the end I gave up with him and he gave up with my when it ended with me pinning him to the wall by the throat. So look what you could be heading for in one or two months time.  He had no social interaction skills whatsoever and most times I never know whether he was in the house or not. He would come and go in silence.  He was even sacked from our Nieces manufacturing business because of his attitude.

Even his Grandfather who was also staying with us at that time, moved upstairs to our nieces apartment to get away from him!  So for family members to treat him like that you can imagine just how bad he was.

He was 21 at that time and when he moved out to Shanghai that was at least far enough for him to no longer be a problem anymore. In the ensuing four years he has visited us on a couple of occasions and for short three or five day trips we got by. His basic attitude has probably never changed but he seems to be able to control it a lot more now.  But even so, his mother says he will never again live with us.

His elder sister who now lives with us is a completely different person.  She is a delight to have around the place. Ok you know just how attentive a Chinese wife is, well just consider the attention I get with two adult women in the house. When she went to London with me for two weeks everyone loved her.

I do think that anyone taking on a wife with a son approaching his teen age years or already in them really has to understand that how he is at that time will probably be how he will be for all times.  Younger kids they can be trained with effort.   Older sons well!!!

My wife looks after our nieces two children on a regular basis. The girl when she was 2 - 3 had one or two tantrums where she lay on the floor screaming for a moment or two but apart from that she is never a problem.  The boy who is now 30 months is more physical and if he is annoyed about something he will physically attack the other person.  As well as hitting out I have seen his teeth marks on his grandmothers arm and they let him get away with it!

He is heading to be just another Little Emperor. The only good things is that at my age the chances of seeing him reach his full obnoxious behaviour ratings as he reaches marriageable age are diminished.

My advice is to keep sons as far away as possible.

Willy

[Pineau]

David,
Been there, done that, hated it and wish i had killed him when I first met him.

I suffered through years of what you are going through right now. I have ranted about Jason before so I wont do it here. But suffice to say that after Jing and I got divorced it was a relief. A strange calm came over me and the daily urge to kill someone or jump from a tall building was gone.

If it were me (and it is not) I would take Ming aside and tell her straight out. She WILL support me in my discipline and authority over the little prick or...get the hell out and take him with you. Honestly this is what I wished I had done with the asshole that ruined my household.  You don't deserve this after everything you have done for her and him.  You are the master of you house, you make the decisions, she is there because of your kind heart and she should respect what ever decisions you make.  If she does not then she doesn't deserve you and she doesn't deserve to stay.


Oh yes, it has been years now and he is still a major fuck up. He is 22 years and still sucking on mom's tit and still causing trouble and grief for everyone around him. Works as a bus boy in a restaurant, lives at home with mom and just found out he knocked up his girlfriend.  what a looser. good riddance. 

David, you deserve better than what you got.

[shaun]

David,

I won't offer any advice because I've never had to deal with an issue quite like that and I am woefully deficient when it comes to the Chinese male.  My son and I had our differences and at 24 I still scare the piss out of him though he wont admit it.

On fathers day he said, "I got pissed... I mean I got very angry with..."  Of course I called him out because he changed his wording to not get me angry.  I just laughed at him and told him that he still needed to grow a couple.  Hehehe   He said he found better wording and changed it.  Yea right.

What I will do is keep you in my thought and prayers and hope that somehow you are able to resolve and re-mend the relationship with your wife.   You've gone to far with her for the relation ship to go down the tube.

Good luck friend.

Shaun

[maxx]

David I forgot how old is the kid? Have you thought about Military school? You have to much time into this to let the little schmuck wreck this for you.

[Pineau]

Maxx , David.
I thought of everything. When I said military school she immediately sided with him and would not budge. If she thinks she is in control (and she was) she can pretty much dictate how thing are going to be done concerning her son. I was powerless and miserable.

The reason she was in control was because she had her permanent green card and her friends were coaching her about what I could and couldn't do.  Once she got permanent status there was very little I could do but accept it. I wish I had divorced her (and him) much earlier before she gained her power to take control.

I am not happy for you and it is a sad state that lead you to mention divorce.  But thinking back, your life with her has never been bliss even before he started trouble.

[David E]

Thanks Guys...

It is always a big help to have somewhere to rant about stuff to a sympathetic audience....

Yes, I have got a lot of emotion, time (and money) invested in my marriage...and I went through the whole rigmarole in good faith. But I am quite clear in my mind that if it takes a termination of this marriage to fix the problem, then thats what I will do.

I dont like idle or empty threats, so I have not played this card so far...because when and if I do, it WILL be the end...you dont mess around at that level. Once I "cross the Rubicon"...it is crossed !!!!!!

As for the Little Emperor, it would be great to ship him off to the Army and let a few Gnarly old Drill Sergeants work him over, but at this time he is only a Permanent Resident, not a Citizen, so he dont qualify. But he could of course join the Chinese Forces...but Mum would NEVER let that happen to her poor little child..(who must be protected from all levels of inconvenience and indulged 120%)

My next move will be to have a serious Council of War with the pair of them and spell out exactly what will happen from here...very quickly...if there are not some fundamental changes made in a big hurry.

I think maybe she is being reinforced by some of her scaly Chinese mates, who may have fed her crap about how her financial future would be if we divorced....she thinks she gets half of my assets.....but she dont....'nuff said...

The awful realisation is beginning to dawn on me (maybe my paranoia showing, or maybe a glimmer of truth) that she has deliberately snared a Western husband with the sole purpose of getting her Son out of China and into a new life..........I did not think I was ever that gullible to fall for such a fraud....but I am not so sure any more.

Interesting times....we will see.

[fivetrout]

Having a soon to be 19 year old boy come here with his mother should send me to the doctor for meds or the hardware store for a rope...after reading the above posts. However, Tiger has displayed nothing but the utmost gratitude and sincerity for me thus far. He has a shy and reserved personality and admires me for accepting his mother and himself. A few weeks ago his mother offered him a bit of money and he declined as she is always short of money. And I believe he is looking forward to being a man and supporting the family when that time has come. He has no notion things will be different here, and that I want to his future wife and children to visit and not stay. LOL He has been living and attending a trade school in auto mechanics for his future and is excited Chinese cars will start to be sold in the U.S. next year. This summer he enrolled and was accepted to a internship at the car plant company his mother used to work for. But for one...he needs to apply himself to learning english.

[Philip]

Added to the Little Emperor syndrome is the damage done to generations of children by the Chinese education system. The focus on rote-learning, lack of critical thinking or character building or creativity plus a lack of time in the day to build relationships breeds a value-free generation of children.
My 17 year-old stepson is lucky enough to have my wife to keep him in line, even though he lives 500 miles away from us, with his grandfather. He knows there are choices in his life and there are consequences to those choices. If he doesn't want to study and work hard to go to university, that's fine. He can get a job, make some money, leave home, handing the keys to his grandfather, and find somewhere to live. His choice. But of course, he makes the right choice. Not only that, but he is a very good student. He is also a pretty good cook, and makes food for him and his grandfather. But this is despite his numbing school experience, starting school at 6.00am and never coming back home in the evening before 9.30. Is it any wonder he still doesn't know what he wants to study at university?
His worst vice is that he sometimes spends an hour in an internet cafe playing games before he gets home. Terrible, eh?
But if my wife hadn't made him aware of his responsibilities (particularly to himself) from a very early age, then he wouldn't have become the mature and considerate young gentleman I see today. I don't have to say anything to discipline him. I just watch him play with my 18 month-old son, and know that he is in good hands.

[Willy The Londoner]

Your certainly correct about the non building of relationships.

I now have an interest in a school here that is specialising in the character and relationship building.  It has gone so well in less than two years that discussions are now in hand to open at another this year in this city.

Willy

[kenny]

David,

I cant imagine what you are going through, my relationship with Ziwei is very good.... The tiolet issue would be enough for me and I would think it would be enough for mum. It sounds to me like his biggest problem is he is lazy and if his mum wont stand up for you and herself I think your hands are tied.

You have offered them a good life and seems to me like they have no respect for you or your feelings. I would hate to see you, after all this to end in divorce but you have done your part and it is up to them now. I dont post much but I have strong feelings about LAZY and LACK OF RESPECT. You deserve better! Talk to them and and lay down the law if that doesnt do it you have done your part.

My thoughts
Kenny

[Arnold]

David, through this Forum and having the pleasure to share your Story here (of the ups and downs).. it seems I know you quite well. Even never having met face to face, I feel like your part of my Family. It turns my stomach from what you're going through.

I am starting to see in Qing's son (12 yrs) this Emperor thing is slowly coming to the surface more and more. Being Lazy and the need to push him to do anything from Schoolwork to help around the house picking up after himself. Now, the only thing (my plus) ... Qing is behind me all the way to make me comfortable with my wishes how this household is to be run. Believe me, he tries very hard to do "Nothing"! The first thing I will "pound" into him, is "Respect" towards his Mom and "No" raising his voice over her's. The "A's" up my sleeve is, that he's afraid (in a good way) of me as an Authority at home. The same he has towards his Dad back in China.

Back to your situation, you are doing the right thing by (Holding Court Day) laying it all out on the table for them both and let them make their "Choice" and you do NOT have to be feeling any Guilt by doing what is necessary for your "Health". I myself hope for a reasonable solution where you can go back and be the Family you went out to find.

[Martin]

all i can think to say is, thank god i am not married to a chinese woman.

[maxx]

All Chinese woman are not the same.

[Robertt S]

My step-son is in his mid-twenties and I have to say his mother and grandparents did a very good job raising him. He is polite and hard-working and obeys his mother's orders to the letter. When I visit China he is always helpful and polite towards me, and I believe that this is his nature and not just a ruse to pacify me. I wish I had some good advice for you David, I do believe you will need your wife to support you 100% in any rules/guidelines you establish if there is to be any hope of success with your step-son. I do know about the Chinese connections playing armchair marital advisers though, we have a couple of those types that attempt to play barrister amongst the social circle my wife and I mingle with. If he is really as spoiled as you say, then his mother needs to visit an old folks home in your area or in China even and perhaps she can see what may potentially be her destiny if she continues letting him rule her world. I am certain there will be many old ladies there all alone because they could no longer tend to the little princes in a manner they thought they deserved or was entitled to, and were sent away when they became a liability instead of an asset. I think the filial piety is not going to be a doctrine that spoiled children adhere to strictly. Hope things get better for you!