Little Emperors - Mk 11

[Willy The Londoner]

It appears that most who have not had problems with a growing up adolescent youth are ones who as yet have not had one living with them for long periods.

Maybe all teenagers are the same whatever there culture.

All I know that the reason that relationships between a foreigner and a Chinese lady often fail, even before the getting married stage, is the attitude of a boy approaching manhood.

Willy

[David E]

Yes, he was always  a different type of person when he interacted with us during my frequent visits to Chengdu......I never even got the slightest glimpse of the "other side" of his personality/culture/temperament. My goodness, if I had any idea that he would turn out like this, I would have totally resisted sponsoring him for an Aus visa to join his Mum here...at whatever the cost !!!!!

Be that as it may...we have had a very intense discussion where all the new rules have been spelled out;

I have told him and Mum that I will make random inspections of his toilet and the first time I find evidence of urine on the floor, the toilet door will be locked and there will be a bucket placed in the garden and he WILL use it !!!!

There will be no more dual meals, he will eat what we eat or he can go hungry or cook his own.

He will get a bus to school and a bus home again. He WILL go to English school every day or I will stand over him and force him to learn English all day with me....if she insists on driving him around everywhere, I will take the car keys from her.

The next time he gives me lip, or speaks with disrespect I will smack him hard.

I have told Mum that my word in this house is Law, I am the provider and the owner and the breadwinner and I will be treated as such, If she cant accept that then there WILL be a divorce.

As you would expect there was a sullen silence at all this and I know that they already are working out if I am serious or if they can weasel around these rules somehow....we will see.

The next week or so will be fun 

ps...I have chucked all his cosmetics in the bin and forbade the purchase of replacements.....

[Scottish_Robbie]

Well one David...That's the way to do it!!!

Living with a teenager as bad as this little emperor or any teenager is very stressful and VERY hard work, Just keep in mind whose house it is...YOUR THE BOSS, Watch those stress levels mate and look after your health...

You may find that he will try to rebel against this authority but I hope everything turns out for you mate, honesty I do..

Regards

Robbie

[Willy The Londoner]

Living with a teenager as bad as this little emperor or any teenager is very stressful and VERY hard work, Just keep in mind whose house it is...YOUR THE BOSS, Watch those stress levels mate and look after your health...

Robbie

I had the same problem when I stayed at your place.

Willy

[Pineau]

David,
Proud of you.  I just wish I had the nerve to do it myself years ago. I wish you the best.

[fivetrout]

Each of us knows what we bring to the marriage, what we can compromise on, and what we cannot tolerate. When self imposed principals are not met and/or not respected by others...hard changes are required. We must be able to live with ourselves first and foremost.

[kenny]

Good luck to you David

[JohnB]

David,
you do wield all the power.
for what it is worth, I would try a different resolution approach. I think it safe to say that any adjustments to whatever family
life you enjoy are strictly what you determine. you hold all the cards. but this may be a situation you must think of beyond any
defensive posture that presents itself.
defensive posture by itself is so singular.

I agree, her sons shit stinks..he comes across as caustic. but then again, a thoughtful approach to this issue of your family would seem
much more effective than any, as it appears, hissy fit retaliations.  how you handle this crisis is what determines your future with Ming.
if I were you, I would enlist the aid of a family counselor of sorts. I do not know what happens in Australia when there is family
friction but I think there must be some appropriate channels to tune onto. since the person of question is your wife, albeit her son, I do
see her logic as protecting him...the son being a long ways from China.

I think I would enlist the services of a counselor/ professional, preferably an older Chinese male, fluent in Chinese, adept in navigating
the myriad problems of Chinese immigrants in Australia. I mean not all Chinese immigrants have enjoyed a great & glorious time away
from their motherland.

the son, of course he is spoiled, but I think he is not stupid. he made be more acceptable to change given the influence & possible guidance
from a professional counselor.

[Pineau]

John, I respectfully disagree. I went down this path. Counselors, friends, school, church, English and Chinese. None of it worked.

The reason it did not work was not so much him, but his mother and the Chinese " Little Emperors" mentality. All teenage boys will turn into spiteful hateful monsters if you don't show them boundaries and get control of them. They will constantly push the boundaries of your authority. But with my first boy I was the boss of my house and nothing stood between me and discipline of my children and no-one usurped my authority. They, (all 5 of them) turned out very well. It was number 6, the little emperor that spoiled my success streak.

He was rotten to the core and I was ready to face the devil. But without the help of his mother and the grandparents it was a loosing battle. I just wish I had realized what I was getting into trying to defeat the Chinese culture that had infiltrated my family.

I wish the best for David. but I don't think any external family counselor is duly prepared to deal with a Chinese mother and son. Without her cooperation there is not much of a chance. Perhaps she is the one that needs counseling. I would not make divorce my first choice but it is a card to be played and should be more than just a threat.

[David E]

I have tried the Counsellor route...with limited success.

Councellors seem to want to find a middle path that solves the problems and leaves the status quo....an impossible objective. I am not out to destroy this boy, quite the contrary, I firmly believe that if he is to have any long-term success in life here in Aus, he is compelled to change, to adapt some of his less than appropriate behaviours to this new model.

Like all old farts, I have got my scars the hard way in the school of life over many years...I DO know what is best for him, even though that sounds arrogant and even though he refuses to believe it.

Similarly, I do regard myself as the Head of the Household...not for the sake of personal conceit but for the sake of responsibilty and acountability. I will not undergo fundamental changes to my behaviour to accomodate some Teenage Chinese Boy....or anybody !!!

All of the behavioral traits that he exhibits that will be unhelpful in Aus have in the first instance been discussed politely, rationally and with good intent. There was never a question of enforcing changes in him by coercion...until he demonstrated quite clearly that he did not value the advice, did not care about the outcomes and was only interested in any solution that left him as King of the Castle ! I believe that Mum is culturally overwhelmed by the thoufght of any form of discipline against her Little Emperor and she is paralysed and conflicted when it comes to change programmes...ie she is less to blame than him...he is manipulating the scenario to his exclusive advantage.

Which is all good metaphysical stuff...but when push comes to shove, are we to be dictated to and ruled by such a boy...any boy (or girl) ?, are we going to abandon our responsibility as a parent, as a human being and as a Teacher with vast knowlege as to how the World works, garnered over a lifetime?.

This is the role of parents and a role that should be carved in stone.

I cannot resile from this...period.

[JohnB]

I'm sympathetic.
I was appealing to a stale solution. I do know that does not work well.
I was trying to be nice....hurt like hell.

Anyway, my China family has major issues. My wife's nephew, what..18, 19 yrs old, was involved
in an assault (along with a couple of others), on a defenseless young man. Not a good situation in
our family these days. Our family has major issues now since he is incarceration. I do not know the
Chinese justice but my sympathies are with the injured boy. Much less so for our nephew.
I do not know what the outcome is going to be but I venture to say there will be an exchange of a
very large sum of money. China justice can be sweet, but I think my nephew should be shoe horned
into the army. He needs the discipline his/ my family was remiss in providing. When I first met him,
he was a damn good kid. I do not know is there is a Chinese equal for “machismo”, but certainly the
choice of friends can prove problematic if one lacks the smarts.
Getting closer to home, I asked my wife about her son. To put it bluntly...a work in progress. He lacks
major discipline. There is a lot of weird shit on his QQ.

Every shitty situation is hostage to it's unique & ultimate remedy. I think there is no cookie cutter solution
to anything human related.
But I do admit China must be the Yankee Stadium of sorts when it comes to it's 'little emperors'.
Life can be a bitch.

[Scottish_Robbie]

I tiink he needs put u against the wall with your hands round his neck and told exactly how to behave...in your home...

[maxx]

That's called child abuse in the U.S Rob. they send you to Jail for that kind of thing. They take the kids away. You have to go to anger management classes and pay thousands of dollars in fines and penalties.

[Willy The Londoner]

I tiink he needs put u against the wall with your hands round his neck and told exactly how to behave...in your home...

Well that worked for me Robbie. Just confirming to Maxx he was 21 at the time.

Willy

[yvictor]

The awful realisation is beginning to dawn on me (maybe my paranoia showing, or maybe a glimmer of truth) that she has deliberately snared a Western husband with the sole purpose of getting her Son out of China and into a new life..........I did not think I was ever that gullible to fall for such a fraud....but I am not so sure any more.

I don't see her motivation as you describe it here as "fraud" - of course trying to get a better life for herself and her son is something she is hoping to get out of marrying a foreigner. That is a basic human desire and there is nnothing sneaky about it.

I feel sorry you had to resort to a ultimatum and to bring divorce on the table.