Hi All,
I was a member of Chinalove many years ago and some of you may still remember me.
Long story short, I have been living and working in China (Jinan, Shandong) for 6 years now, and just came out of a 10 month relationship with a lovely Chinese girl (from Inner Mongolia and who I did not meet through Chinalove).
In my mind, we were really happy most of the time. Now, it turns out she had been upset about many things, many times, but never said anything to me, letting everything build to a crescendo until she just said 'I'm sorry, let's break up' a month ago. Her English is pretty good and my Chinese is terrible, so I feel she had the English necessary to communicate all she ever wanted to, to me.
I have now spoken to 4 of my Chinese friends about this, 3 female and one male, all in their early 20's (I am 47 and my ex is 21, so - although she always said the age gap was meaningless to her, we were from different worlds and generations which, of course, could be a big part of the problem).
All 4 of my Chinese friends say that, in Chinese girl's minds, their bf needs to know what they are thinking and feeling, at all times, and they don't feel the need to communicate this with him. In addition, if they do something wrong, they cannot be blamed and the man is in fact responsible and should apologise!
I was speechless, saddened and dumbfounded when I heard this, as it is the exact opposite of western culture, where communication in relationships is key (if your gf is upset with you about something, she will usually tell you right away so you can try resolve things). We are not mind readers.
Many of my students, most of them Chinese girls, keep silent in English class. I am now thinking, has this pervaded their whole culture, where Chinese are too afraid (or some other reason) to ever say what they really think or feel, resulting in breakups due to a total lack of communication, as in my case?
Maybe it is only the younger Chinese who behave this way, I have no idea, but it really distresses me. My gf actually broke up with me because she came to my apartment (knowing I was at work at the time and having told me she would be at work then too), feeling very ill and needing my care, and blaming me for not being there to take care of her. She said it was the last straw that broke the camel's back, but never told me all the other things she had been upset about for so many months, without ever saying a word.
Any help or comments from fellow members on this site, Chinese too, of course, would be most appreciated. Many thanks to you all in advance and a happy and peaceful New Year to you all. Best, Peter.