Brothers, this is a very, very long story, so brew some coffee and have a seat,,,,well,things are not going so well for me and my wife at the moment. Spoke with my wife for about 2-3 hours via web cam last night, and now I have just seen her on-line, she came on and stayed for 5 minutes then left with no "hello", "good night", or "go to hell", I know she was checking her stocks and probably is very tired from our long talk. During our talks last night she told me that she had to leave for 20 minutes, and asked me to wait (she had to scan a document and send it to me,she had to go to a friends house to do this because she has no printer/scanner) O.k no problem that it fully understandable,,,then she comes back and we talk for a bit, then with no warning gets up and leaves me waiting for another 15 minutes, this is not the first time that this has happened. She went to cook some food. I thought to myself that she could at least have told me that she wanted to prepare some food, I would have completely understood, but noooooo,,,just get up and leave in the middle of a conversation, god that gets my ass boiled , very rude in my opinion. I know enough about "the Chinese ways" but this is ridicules, example, the damn cell phone thing, everyone that is dating or married to a Chinese woman knows, you can not get her to stop talking or answering that damn cell phone every 10 minutes. When I was in China, (3 times) each time we would sit down to eat her phone would ring, she would answer and talk for several minutes, sometimes for 30 minutes or more on the phone while at the dinner table. I tried to explain to her that I do not mind if she is constantly on the phone, however when it is time for us to eat to please tell her friends that she will call them back after we have finished eating. I have tried to explain to her and make her understand that this is considered rude in the west, she understood and said okay, the next day she did the same thing and continued to do so the rest of my visit!! I know this will take time to change, but god all mighty!!! Another example,,Once it was late at night, we started to get intimate with each other, her phone rings,,guess what she did?,,, yup, she answered the damn phone !! that killed the moment. Imagine, she has 3 cell phones !! one for work,one for calls inside the city, and one for calls outside the city, this phone thing is an obsession. I have talked to 2 men from the west when I was over in China, they also experience some of the same thing with their wives concerning the phone thing, well I guess I just have to get used to it . Do any of you get the feeling that we (the males) are the ones doing most of the compromises and understandings? we try harder to learn and understand their ways and culture differences, and they do little to understand western ways or adapt? I thought there would be compromises and understanding on both sides and that we would find a middle ground between the two cultures, but that does not seem to be the case. Not to sound mean but I know this will change once she is here in my country, there won't be anyone to call every 10 minutes. Sorry, I am just venting a little frustration that I feel at the moment.
This is personal but I will share this with you, last night when we where talking, I have mentioned to her several months ago (about 7 or 8 months ago) to start saving some of her money for when it is time to come to my country. I am not cheap, but I thought I would get some help with all the financial stuff,,I have spent more then 120,000 RMB since the beginning, ( immigration lawyers fee's, 3 visits to China,the restaurants,gifts, wedding ring's,visa's,paper work for immigration, other immigration fee's, money i gave twice to her parents,etc....I paid for everything) She was married to a very wealthy man before, he pays her money each month, alimony for her and their son, her son is now 21, and the ex-husband also pays for the condo that she is living in, (the condo will be completely paid for in 4 years time, this is when her ex-husband will stop giving her money) . That was the deal in the divorce agreement. Fine, I have no problem with that and I am happy for her situation and it is her money not mine, she usually carries about a thousand RMB on her at all times, so she is not poor by any means. So, when I asked her how much money she has saved, she said only 5000 RMB !!!!! huum,,lets see now,,,i spent 120,000RMB and she is willing to spend 5000RMB, WOW!!!! is it written sucker on my forehead!!! That won't even cover her plane tickets cost!!! I am wrong to think this way? I love her, and she is a good kind women, but when it comes to money issues it is a different game. We have an immigration interview in Beijing in August, when I told her that I should be there with her at the interview and that it will help our case she said, "well come if you want too",,??!!!! Did not offer any help in paying for hotel or anything, I told her that was a damn cold answer. I thought she would answer something like,,,,"oh yes dear, i would be very happy, please come", did not happen. She said that she is tired and would like to rest. So fine, i said go if you want to, damn,,she did!!!!
I do not know,,I am feeling pretty down at the moment. A little disappointed and feeling hurt to be honest, I guess the word "love" means many different things to many different people. I know that she loves me, before getting married I actually talked with her father,mother other family members and friends, they all said that she loves me very much, and I know that she does, but she shows little passion and compassion, (this is what her ex-husband has also told her when they divorced, her ex cheated on her and hurt her, she felt ashamed and humiliated.) I tried to tell her that it is not her fault that her ex cheated on her, hell lets be honest here, most wealthy men cheat on their wives, most of them have mistresses. Although I do not agree with it, it is the truth. I am not better then any another man here, however I have never cheated on any of my girlfriends before, it is not my style of character.
Here is another story,,,,,when I was in China, on my second visit back in December/January. I went to visit with her and the family for the x-mas and new years holidays. I stayed at her house for a few days, then we decided to go and stay at her brother spare apartment only one block away, because we would have more privacy and her son sleeps all day and plays video games all night with his friends, also I can not sleep very well there because of the traffic noise. So, when I came to put some of my clothes in the closet I noticed that it was full of male clothes, dress pants,sports jackets and suits. I knew who they belonged too, they where her ex-husbands clothes. I did not mention anything to her, so I left my clothes in my luggage. (she did not know that I have seen the clothes there) the next day the clothes disappeared !!! she emptied the closet for me to put my clothes, however did not ask me if I wanted to put my clothes in there. I let it ride for the time being,,,,then I visited her in May 2009, when I went to her house I was curious to know, so yes I did peak into the closet, only looked in the closet,,,well guess what,,the ex-husbands clothes where there !!! after 4 years of divorce, why would she still have some of his clothes?
very strange. Again, i did not say anything. When I arrived back home in June, we where talking on the web cam again as we do every night. She was showing me some clothes that she has bought, I said wow, really nice clothes, she was happy that I liked them,,fine,,so I can see her closet door in the back ground,,so I seized the moment,,,I asked her, what is on the left side of the closet, the left hand side door? she said, oh they are old clothes,,,,huuum, she did not know that I knew what was there,,,,so I asked her, open the door, I want to see,,,,she got up of the chair and accidentally hit her tea cup on the floor and the cup broke. So she said one moment please and went to get a broom and mope to clean the mess up. The web cam was positioned so that I could only see half of the right hand side of the closet, because the left hand side is in near the corner of the room, so she finished picking up the mess on the floor,,then i see her walk towards the left side of the closet, out of view of the web-cam, I could hear the closet door open, then after a minute close again,,then she approached the web cam and placed it is such a way so that I could see the left side closet door. She then opened the door,,guess what?,,,, there where no clothes in there !!!!! I knew what she had done, she emptied the closet when the camera was out of view,,,remember what I said, she did not know that I knew the clothes where there to begin with,,,so now I hit her with it,,,,I said wife,,,where are the ex-husbands clothes? what did you just do with them,,,surprise !!! yes the gig was up, she was shocked and did not know what to say at first. Then she said that he had left them there when they got divorced and that she did not want to tell me thinking I would get angry with her. I said after 4 years you still kept the clothes!!!! why did you not give them back to him? and I know the clothes will not fit her son, ( he is taller and thinner) I do not recall her answer, actually I think she tried to avoid the question. I asked her, are you still seeing the ex-husband from time to time?? she said no of course, she said that she has seen him 3 months ago to collect some money owed and to discuss issues about her son, she promises me that there is nothing going on between them. well what am I to believe,,then why the deception?
When we are together in China we have a great time together, we have no "quarrels" as they say and get along very well, and I could feel her love more. ( I am not talking about sex ) But there is some mystery behind the clothes being in her condo still after soon much time. When I try to get back onto the subject she becomes upset or will says that it makes her sad to talk about the past. A few weeks ago she was crying,,,I asked her what is wrong,,,she would not tell me,,well after 2 hours I finally got an answer, she said that her son has spoken with his father, the father (her ex-husband) has a gambling problem and lost a large amount of money, I think she said about 400,000RMB. I said why you cry?, that is not your problem, that is his problem. She said yes, that is true, however she is worried that he will not give her money for her and her son. I told her that amount of money is peanuts for him, he owns a few companies and has a lot of money, very wealthy man. She stopped crying and I tried to cheer her up. Oh, I forgot to mention, I found out that she is still working for him in one of the companies that he owns!! yup the story gets deeper. She said that work is very hard to find and that is her only means of survival (income) beside what her ex already pays for. She did not tell me in the beginning about that, I found that out on my own. When we where doing the paperwork for immigration I asked her for her business card, I wanted the full name of the company and address. This information was requested on the forms, so when she gave me the business card I obviously looked at it,,,it said her name and position,,huuum, it said CEO !!!! I knew darn well she was no CEO of a company with only a high school diploma !! Then I put two and two together, the only explanation was that this is one of the companies her husband is partners in, and when they where married he wrote her position as CEO on the business card. When I asked her about this she said "yes" that is true, then she said that title is no longer good, I said to myself,,"no, really"!!! She said that she is a marketing manager now. Well anyone who has been to China will tell you, they like to use big words and apply them to things that are not exactly true, in the sense that the word actually means something in the West, example,,,many of the schools there that I have seen will have the word "collage" or "university" when in fact it is a "High School" from western perspective, not actually a university or collage campus.
The fact is, from my understandings and with talking with others like yourselves about this, that many Chinese do not offer much information about them self's, they do not willingly divulge information. This is a culture difference, we in the west are more "yes" and "no",,,more a "black" or "white" when it comes to situation. ( obviously I do not mean race when I say black and white)
well, i just wanted to get that off my shoulders. It has been almost a year since we got married, at first I did not want to talk about this with anyone or share this, so this is the first time I talk about these specific issues between my wife and I with you all. I am curious if some of you are having some similar issues? perhaps this is another topic to start here.
