Broaching reasons for divorce with your lady..

[Danny]

I think we're all in agreement here.

I was very happily married for fourteen years, until my wife passed away. My wife never spoke about her previous marriage all the years of my marriage. That was fine with me. I can remember seeing photos of her at that time, when she was married to her first husband, and she looked terrible, like she was in complete misery.

I think let sleeping dogs lie, Irishman and say nothing.

I think its best to think and talk about happy times that have happened, and that are to come.

She will talk about it if she feels the need.

I wouldn't be surprised if she never talks about it.

What good can come of it?

[raymond-]

You bring up a very intriguing situation here and it's potentially a no win for now. This is not
uncommon with dating (or starting a relationship) after a divorce, and is a psychologist's gold mine.  

To say that one should let sleeping dogs lie is simplistic, and may serve to suppress or ignore a
major part of one's life which needs acknowledgement.  Conversely, to believe that you have the
skills needed to elicit and probe in this area may be akin to your attempting to perform surgery
with only first aid skills.

Given:  Western male seeking relationship with Chinese female, from a totally foreign environment
and culture, and lacking the ability (or only a modicum) to communicate efficiently.

Hell, this is challenging enough a task even when both parties are from similar environments
and speak the same language.  

I asked two Asian psychologists (born overseas, now practicing in the US) to review the original
post.  They agreed on the merits of being careful, supportive, and open.  Both also mentioned that
repressing previous experiences and relying on a Chinese woman's (born and raised in China)
willingness to bring up the topic isn't the best indicator.  For all we know, coming to terms
with their past marriage and having you understand and support them through your relationship
may be extremely cathartic and an enrichening an experience for you both.  

Bear in mind that in the Chinese culture, the females aren't encouraged or nurtured to believe
that their opinions have much weight in the partnership.  Chinese culture still views women as
subservient and expect them to be self-effacing.

Love and support is a great start, natch.  Being open to the need to talk should not be ignored.
As you and your partner gain in communication skills, you may have a better handle on how
best to approach this.

Just something more to keep in mind.

[Vince G]

We talked about this in our first letters. I was curious. and she answered.

I want to tell you something about my marriage. My exhusband had been fired in his company, and he cannot face the failure and the poor life that followed, though I have tried my best to persuade him that the sun is still their, we can redo as long as we have courage. But he still gave up finally.

In the following letters she had said he hung out at some places playing games, drinking and not pursuing any income. She never said who divorced who? I will ask again sometime. But there was no beatings or mental abuse. Not that she mentioned?

I'm not going to push the fact either.

[Ed W]

That's a good point Raymond. Although we don't want to push too hard and bring up painful memories of hers, we also need to show our interest to understand her feelings and be ready to console or help her reflect upon those feelings.