Alex, the happy fool

[David5o]

Yeah..... and only FOOLS rush in where angels fear to tread!!

david.....

[David5o]

Arnold,

You always seem to bring your wife into discussions relating to this sort of topic.
The fact that you could possibly have made every mistake in the book and still came out on top, does not detract away from you encouraging others to make the same judgments you made. To virtually pat Alex on the back on this occassion is irresponsible on your part and encourages others to follow suite.  Everything  wrote in my post above is using the commonsense and life experience  I've gained over the many years of traveling and working overseas. ( many of those years based in China) Including finding and living with my own Chinese partner for 2 years.  What is your encouragement to Alex based on Arnold?? ....LOOK!! ..It worked for me ??

You can get angry all you like Arnold,  you asked Say's Who??, ......Say's simple and basic commonsense that's who, Your mindset is wrong!!  Your basing your success on your failings, instead of your own pure luck..... and it was just that, ...Luck!!

I would think that one of the main aims of this forum, is to stop guys falling into these mind traps, where they fall in love with an image on a piece of paper and the image of a dream life, based on the written word. When in fact, it's just a form of courtship, where you should be spending the time getting to know each other through communicating ( by whatever means is available to you ), the more you know ....the more you can be sure in your own mind that this is the right or wrong person for me. Meeting the lady at some time along your journey will also confirm or not if this woman is the right one for you, and also hopefully your the right one for her.  Fine, so now start talking about getting married if that's what you both want...

There are four main things that will get the guys on chnlove to where they want to be in the future, and they are using Commonsense, using Communication, using there life experience (wisdom) and Yes, ...also a  good chunk of Luck.  ( luck is party for the chemistry being right between you ) Rely on luck alone, and your just asking for trouble down the line.....

Arnold, you give a lot of good advice out, here and at CL . The only area where i can not agree with you, is in this area of quick time Internet falling in love. ...It worked for me, isn't a basis to encourage others. For them, it could be devastating, and a pot load of money down the drain!!

David......

 PS : I know your going to be mad, and come back flaming,  but I'm ready to counter any and all accusations you want to fire my way....

[Jadams79]

Arnold had a very good experience, as have many men on here. If things feel right you have to invest your heart into the situation. As for me, stuff went south pretty fast, but I ended up with a great friend from the situation. As for the money, the trip I took barely cost me 3 grand, I spend more than that when I go to Europe, so it was a grand vacation.

Sometimes you just have to take a situation and turn it around, he had a viable experience, found a lady, and can march on in the situation he wants to be in. As for me, I am in a similar boat, except I got to spend a few hours a day in between my girls work, and sleep period, she is very sweet, very kind and extremely traditional. If someone can turn their situation around, reguardless of the circumstances, so be it, if it feels right, beyond cost, beyond reality, the only way to do something in life is to take a chance and run at it. Even now I realize my situation may not work, staying grounded to reality is the only protection, it does not stop me from investing the time, emotion and money to know her. I dont think any man needs to be reminded that stuff can go south, and things may not go according to plan.  Especially if they have any grounds in common sense or reality.

[MLM]

well David, telling someone that they are wrong to have feelings like Alex has is wrong also, no matter  what we all think or feel or think we know or don't know, Alex has made his decision and he has to live with it right or wrong, all we should be doing is encouraging him and giving him a hand when or id he needs or wants it, not brow beating him with what we think he should do or feel.
I didn't know this site had become this bad so fast and if it continues like this I for one will leave, this is not a threat, this is just a statement on my part, I have been here because of the brotherhood and I enjoy the advice we give and get, but this fighting and arguing is nonsence, it is counter productive and a waiste of time, I know we will have arguements because we are all different and have had different lives but come on people what did our mothers tell us?, " If you can't say something nice then don't say anything at all " , Lets all just grow up.

[David5o]

Jadams79,

Firstly your opinion here on Alex.  If you call jumping out of the frying pan and straight into the fire as turning his situation round, that's the daftest thing I've heard for a very long time. You guys should be reminding him that one of the important things in life, is trying, or in fact making sure you don't make the same mistake twice..... and here you all are patting him on the back for doing just that!! ....incredible !!

As for Arnold, he may well have a lot of experience, but his experience in this case is based on his luck, and that's  not any sort of experience to be passed on here to others.  

The monetary terms may not be a problem for you , but well could be for others here. The more important thing, is the possible devastation it can bring to a guy here, and that may well be coupled with the money side of things too.  

Please don't get me wrong here, i am quite aware that everyone is different, and have different capabilities, but that's no reason to encourage others down a dangerous path. I have nothing whatsoever against Arnold either. What i am saying is, that in this case he is Dead Wrong in his assumptions. I'm sure that he will come back to defend the indefensible.  we'll just have to wait and see what his defence will be !!

David......

[Jadams79]

Really its his decision, were here to support him in any situation. I'm speaking from the benefit of my own personal experience, what are you speaking from? I also stated directly, my own personal caution. So daft or not, read the words for exactly what I wrote, again we already know the potential downfalls, I bet he plans his trip much different, his conversations to find out everything that is important. His words read as he is planning things in a manor to thwart any major problems, he's speaking with a new lady, that seems to fit him better, he wanted to share. Part of rationalizing and moving on.

I  really do not think he needs us barking at him about securing every single detail. In the end it is the best anyone an hope for in this acquard search. Good, bad or indifferent we are here. Everything to make the best out of our situations is in these boards.

[Vince G]

David Why do you assume he doesn't know better? He did title this topic. You do not know what is being said in there letters. If they are understanding each other well or not. It's his to do what he wants. It's his plans to make.

As for you? You seem to be ready for a fight? Go cool off. There is no need to be so aggressive here. And because you are so new here, I'm letting you know before the name calling starts. It's not going to happen. So it's your choice now.

[MLM]

I don't know about the rest of you but I have just made this a better place for me by blocking David5o, now I'm :icon_cheesygrin:
I forgot we could do this, not a permanent fix but good just the same

[David5o]

Michael,

No-ones browbeating and no-ones fighting and a honest argument is good thing, not bad.  If all the forum is for, is to pat each other on the back and encourage people to carry on making the same old mistakes over and over again, that's surely defeating the point ...isn't it ??
Your right everyone is different on here, and the forum is for discussions, there's no discussion if all agree with each other..  Your mother was talking to you as children Micheal, unfortunately the world out there ain't like that.  Growing up is part of that process of living and surviving in the real world ....

I wasn't telling Alex he is wrong or right , i was asking or suggesting that he stand back a bit and take stock of himself..... is that a no,no on here ?? Please don't get me wrong , ....I'm pleased the guy has found a suitable lady for himself, and hope everything goes well for him, of that i really do!!  

David.....

[Danny]

I am inclined to agree to the advice that David provided. I think that it's good not to rush into these things. But there are ways of saying things, and whether or not it was intentional or not, it came across pretty aggressively.

While in my own situation I have acted cautiously and slowly, I am not sure whether it might have been better in my own situation to have acted a little more recklessly and carelessly.

I am wondering whether sometimes it is better to throw caution to the wind and go with your heart - sometimes two people are just ready to marry, and there's no point in just holding back for years and years.

There's a saying, marry at haste, repent at leisure. But I've also heard the opposite, marry at leisure, repent at haste. There's no assurance that taking years and years to get to know someone is going to provide you with any indication about how your marriage is going to go.

Sometimes when you don't take a relationship all the way, when you both are ready to take it there, to be married, you miss the boat, and the opportunity is lost.

If a good man marries a good woman, sometimes you get to know each other as you go along in the marriage.

A lot of cultures have arranged marriages (eg Indians). These arranged marriages don't work on the basis of you knowing each other very well. They work because the people involved in them are committed to the marriage and know how to behave in the marriage.

I have met some women who wished to meet someone and get married almost straightaway. I sometimes think about these women now and then. I once doubted their sincerity. I now doubt by doubt. Now I am in a relationship with a woman who in my opinion isn't really serious about getting married to me, or anyone else for that matter, and so I wonder to myself as I sleep alone month after month, what might have happened if I had taken the chance with one of the women who were ready to settle down.

[Scottish_Rob]

Hi guy's the way I see things is, it's Alex's dream,....And as Jadams79 infered, 'who are we' to tell him not too believe in it, we are all here to help each other in whatever route they take, no matter what we believe we are not here to castrate any one for their decision.

Alex go with your heart mate and the best of luck, I for one am supporting your decision,  However, as others have also said with, have that little bit of caution in your mind...

David I'm not sure how long you have been on here or Chnlove for that matter, but I am sure that as in here, you 'will' have posted other derisory and aggressive comments, because I'm sure that I have read some of them, as Vince said go cool off.....

Your attack on arnold was WAY out of line, he has posted many good points here and they all come from his decision to marry his wife, yeah ok 'luck' may have been part of his way of getting a beautiful wife, but don't we all feel we are going to be as 'lucky' as him?  And as for always mentioning her in his answers, he HAS the right to mention her, his answers (I think) are mainly due to his marrying a Chinese lady, so what's the beef?

[Philip]

Hmm. It seems I HAVE jumped into a fire. This thread!
Amongst the many things I have learnt from going to China and from reading the posts on this forum, there has been one that has stood out. Not that there are good or bad agencies/translators/ladies. No, the most important thing I've learnt is that somewhere along the line I am required to make a leap of faith.
Arnold is not parading his good luck in front of us, he is merely allowing for the possibility that the leap of faith could come at any time. It seems that many of the guys here possess an UNcommon sense. Common sense doesn't put you on a plane to China.

Zhimei and I have made a leap of faith. It's not a desperate leap, it's a positive one. I have committed myself to her. She has committed herself to me. For life. We don't have a ticklist of why we are a good match, we just are. I can't prove it scientifically. There's chemistry. There's biology. There's physics. They can explain many things, but not how we feel.

Thank you for those of you who expressed encouraging words. What pleasantly surprises me most about this forum is the non-judgemental support. Men are often accused of not being able to listen without having to 'solve' people's problems. I, for one, am grateful that someone is there to listen and say, 'We're there for you'
Sometimes you wanna go where everybody knows your name.
Cheers guys.
Alex

Danny, funny you should mention arranged marriages. I have been thinking of that. Sometimes it seems the Chnlove experience is two people looking for marriage, committing to each other, arranging it themselves,  and getting the approval of the family.

[David5o]

Vince,

What are you saying here, that no-ones allowed to give an opinion, for fear of being ganged up on??
What name calling are you on about, have i called anyone names here, ..... i don't think so!!
Maybe i am a tad aggressive when being cornered, we all have our own ways of dealing with life's little mishaps, but I'm far from aggressive in my nature. In fact I'd rather have a laugh and joke......

Look, I've replied to a posting, I've given my opinion and my reasons for that opinion. If his friends want to rubbish my opinion fine, but if i then point out the various aspects to my opinion, to those that disagree with me, .... i get ganged up on. What does that mean ??  Is there a clique of members on the site, where you can't discuss only conform ?? Tell me please, because i don't know, and i don't want to assume wrongly again.....

David.....

[Uncle Brucie]

oh wow

[Danny]

What are you saying here, that no-ones allowed to give an opinion, for fear of being ganged up on??

Hey David, I am sorry that that is the way you feel. It wasn't my intention to act unpleasantly, even though I suppose that I too am part of that gang. I for one appreciate your opinion. And most of the time I agree with what you have written, and more importantly, I act in the way you suggested. I only said in passing that the way you expressed your opinion would be better if it were a little less in your face. So it's all fine now, okay?