Broaching reasons for divorce with your lady..

[Irishman]

Having never been married myself I'm somewhat unsure how far I should push the topic or indeed if its appropriate a topic at all to discuss with her.

A while back I asked Ling what caused her previous marriage to break up and she went to great lengths to say he was a nice man, that they were in love but he was "lazy" and that's why they broke up, he's subsequently remarried so is completely out of the picture now.

I didn't want to push it too much and we haven't talked about it since but I can't help but feel it would be good for me to know what lead to the previous marriage breaking up so i don't make the same mistakes he made if indeed it was mistakes that he made.
We are pretty serious right now and getting married at this point seems more likely than not and I have to admit its being playing on my mind a bit recently.

I know some of the guys here have been in divorces previously themselves so probably are able to see this from a clearer angle than i can? Or are in the same situation and are dating a divorced lady like myself?
Should I just forget about it and treat it as a brand new relationship with everything new, or should I try to learn from it and in  the hope of learning how not to make the same mistakes myself?

Any advice or suggestions welcome as usual.

[raymond-]

i couched my inquiry positively, as a communication opportunity,
asking what she felt the mistakes included, and what she would
take into our relationship as a learning opportunity....what would
she be more alert to this time around....what would she change?
she was eager to share.

[Ed W]

Being previously divorced, this was a somewhat easier topic to bring up with my wife, she wasn't at the time. She did tell me he was androcentric and she could no longer tollerate his behavior. I had to look that word up but it basically told me all I really needed to know so I didnt feel the need to ask further.

I did ask at one point, closer to our marriage, what are things she truely dislikes in a relationship? She said everything I do is fine. Feeling this was a pretty empty answer, I asked again but reworded it. She again said all i do is good with her. At that point I decided to drop the question and trust in myself that I'll make my best efforts in the relationship and as long as we're open with each other then we'll be able to discuss issues we may have.

Dont know if this helps any but I think you'll have to judge for yourself whether or not to ask, or how much to push the issue. One thing I do know is occasionally we'll be talking about something else and the topic will come up and she'll offer a little more info about her previous marriage. Perhaps taking the slow road on that topic might have the same results.

[maxx]

Irishman I would just let it go.If the lady feels like telling you about it.She will tell you.I'm sure she will tell you about it at some latter time.It has nothin to do with the hear and now.

[Irishman]

Thanks guys, Maxx and Ed you both seem to be saying the same thing, I'll leave it be, if she wants to tell me about it she will. I suppose I dont particularity want to tell her about my past girlfriends either, its a new chapter in both our lives. I guess I'm starting to feel the nerves again as visit time is getting ever closer and over thinking stuff again.

[MLM]

Ronan, early in our relationship I asked Zhou about her last husband and why she divorced him, the answer I got then was " he is a bad man " and that was it, later after we were married for a while we were talking one night about every thing and nothing and she started to tell me that she divorced her last husband because he was to controling, mentally abuseive and he beat her almost every day for 3 years when she first got here with her daughter, can you belive the look I had on my face when she was finished her story, the look was sorrow but inside I was very angry, sorry, back to the point which is don't push it, she will tell you later or never, if never then it is not important to your relationship, JMHO>
good luck, best wishes and have a ball.

[Irishman]

Thanks Michael, you sum it up perfectly with

don't push it, she will tell you later or never, if never then it is not important to your relationship, JMHO

Its only one month until i hold her close...thats all that matters now, so short a time so far away..expect many nutty posts between now and then.

[MLM]

Thanks Michael, you sum it up perfectly with

don't push it, she will tell you later or never, if never then it is not important to your relationship, JMHO

Its only one month until i hold her close...thats all that matters now, so short a time so far away..expect many nutty posts between now and then.

Not a problem buddy, I know how you feel, just remember, there are no dumb questions, just dumb answers

[Uncle Brucie]

Sorry i had to look it up


androcentric  -  
Androcentrism (Greek, andro-, "man, male") is the practice, conscious or otherwise, of placing male human beings or the masculine point of view at the center of one's view of the world and its culture and history. The related adjective is androcentric, while the opposite of androcentrism is gynocentrism.

In the past boys and men were expected to have better formal education than girls and women. Before universal literacy girls and women were less frequently able to read and write than boys and men were. Therefore written material tended to reflect the male point of view. This may be true in the Third World today. Well into the second half of the 20th century young men entered university far more frequently than young women. Some universities consciously practised a numerus clausus and restricted the number of female undergraduates they accepted. Therefore “Educated Opinion” risked being androcentric. Today women in advanced countries have far better access to education.[1]

[Ed W]

Although it will likely be years before I fully understand how her previous relationship was with her exhusband, she has given me the impression that she felt insignificant in the relationship and dominated, as if she was just a slave to him.

It's not so hard to believe this occurrs in their country but I wasn't prepared to fully understand it. It'l take time im sure.

[Arnold]

Although it will likely be years before I fully understand how her previous relationship was with her exhusband, she has given me the impression that she felt insignificant in the relationship and dominated, as if she was just a slave to him.

It's not so hard to believe this occurrs in their country but I wasn't prepared to fully understand it. It'l take time im sure.

Ed , that is the very reason I received from Qing , without asking her for it . Her thought's about anything were never needed or appreciated . End of our story on this Guy .

[Scottish_Rob]

When I broached the subject with Keren, she told me that her husband cheated on her with a younger woman, and did not treat his son or her very well.  Still 4 years later he does not bother about his son??  She asked about mine, and I told her my sorry tale....In another letter I asked her, what her ex would say if she and Peter (son) was to move to the UK...It was then she told me about 'his' really bad behaviour, and she did not want to talk about him.

[Arnold]

Them being mistreated by their Ex's , makes us look so much better in their Eyes . But we MUST never take this as leverage when things go bad and feel WELL they're used to this . But use this knowledge how NOT to treat them . You Guy's know what I mean .

[Ed W]

Scottish_Rob,
My wife's been stressing out lately over her daughter. She too has a behavior problem and the ex and his family disagree and refuse to do anything about it. I admit while I was there I saw issues that wouldnt float in my house one bit but didnt feel my place was to butt in.

I know she still wants to bring her badly but neither of us know how it's going to turn out. I found telling my wife that I hope she will come with her and will support any decission she makes does help her feel more at ease about it all.

[Scottish_Rob]

Yeah I know what you mean mate, what I've done is in every second or third letter I ask about him, also tell Keren to tell him things from me, like for example, 'that we will go to KFC or for Big Mac etc'.  Lately what I've also done is 'Write him' a few sentences and got her to print them off for him to see that I ask for him and think of him as a 'Son'

arnold that is so true no one should use anything negative to gain leverage....