Could I get some feedback Please

[Skip]

I offered to buy Alice a lap top.  My justification:  EMFs, as we all know are expensive.  Also no non verbal cues like face to face on a web cam can't be experienced.  I don't think she understands the EMF expense and I feel foolish trying to explain that via the translator; afterall I am taking away HER income.  

I am not thinking expensive here....something $500 or so.  I considered buying one and shipping it to her, but the shipping alone costs $120+.  So I think, get a visa card and send it to her via snail mail.  This is the response I got.  Noble and thoughtful to be sure.  But, it still doesn't solve the problem.

Oh, dear, you want to send me so expensive gift?! I thought you want to send me a small gift this time!!! Thanks so much first but dear, laptop computer costs too much so i can not accept it. I know you have your good income. While, flower or other little gifts are ok but computer is too expensive an item for me. So i can not accept your kindness here. I hope to get your understanding. I don't want your money because i come here not for money but for true love, a loving husband who can share the rest life with!! So skip, can you understand me? Yes, i just live on my monthly pension now but i'm ok here. I live on my own and enjoy my simple life here. Well, if i can find my special one, that would be much happier for sure. ^_^

Can I please have your input?  Have I offended her?  Does she think I am trying to buy her love?  The letters are alwasy positive, thoughtful and hopeful.  Maybe I am thinking too much like a businessman--cutting costs

[Irishman]

Skip it seems to be a common characteristic with many Chinese girls. Do not buy her something very expensive until you are with her and you have both committed to marriage 100%.
Lings birthday is next week and i am under very strict instructions not  to "waste" money on something expensive.
She was genuinely annoyed with me last time she found out how much i spent on a fruit basket as a present for her (she had mentioned someone in the office got that before and she thought it was a nice gift - problem is the on-line company i ordered from obviously had their email address on the packaging and she looked it up......not expensive from my perspective but from hers..a total waste of money as locally she could get one for a tenth of the price i paid).

Its my experience that, unlike western women that don't really mean it when they say dont spend a lot on a present for them..Chinese ones do mean it and you'll have spent a bunch of cash and she'll be annoyed with you for doing so!
She'll probably take charges of your finances once you marry, and wants them to be in good shape when she does haha!
Seriously, i think buying her the laptop is the wrong move right now given her letter to you.

[maxx]

Skip go with what Irishman is telling you.That is way to big of a gift for a Chinese women that you are just writing  letters to.She would like to have the computer.But she would never ask you for it.

When you go to China and have ben there for a few days then you can buy her the laptop.They are about the same price in China that they are in the states.Plus if you buy it there she can have someone load the softwhere that works best in China.

[JimB]

No matter which way you look at it.  She is a good lady.  Either she is not committed enough to you and would feel really bad if it did not work out between you two.  Or she really doesnt understand your reasoning.  I mean Irish is right, but if you can make her see it your way.  That it is actually a less expensive way for you to communicate in the long run.  That is what I had to do with my lady.  She did not want that expensive of a gift until I showed her it was actually saving me money. And it made me feel better knowing she did not have to run to the Agency just to answer my mail and knowing the agency was not really giving me her thoughts. Then she understood.  However, i did not get it for her until after we were engaged.  And we had been together.  You know I do not know your full story as to how long you have been writing to each other or how you feel, or how she tells you she feels, etc.
There is one other way to look at it.  Do not open the floodgate of giving her expensive gifts.  I know I did not really help, but maybe gave you different ways to look at it.

[Skip]

Thanks Guys...boy getting used to the culture; I can see it will be a big shift in my thinking.

Here is the full text of the letter.  Very warm and loving.  We have been communicating since April.  Yes, I should be impressed by the fact she isn't a money grubber.  I never intended to impress her with the offer and I certainly didn't intend to suggest she was interested in my money.  Guess I should have asked here before I offered. Live and learn eh?


Dear Skip,

Always so nice to hear from you!! Do you know, when reading your letters, there is always a big smile on my face~~ ^_^ how are you doing today? Very well? I pretty hope so! I'm doing fine here as well~ but missing you quite a lot! ^_^

So glad to know you love my letters and pics!! I feel so sweet in my hear now~ ^_^ i also miss you and want to meet you in person one day! I think the days we spending together will be wonderful~! ^_^

So you have an excellent son!! You must be very proud of him, right. I bless him and his wife here!! Wish to meet them one day and all of your family and friends~ ^_^ if you come, i will also show you to my family and friends. ^_^

Oh, dear, you want to send me so expensive gift?! I thought you want to send me a small gift this time!!! Thanks so much first but dear, laptop computer costs too much so i can not accept it. I know you have your good income. While, flower or other little gifts are ok but computer is too expensive an item for me. So i can not accept your kindness here. I hope to get your understanding. I don't want your money because i come here not for money but for true love, a loving husband who can share the rest life with!! So skip, can you understand me? Yes, i just live on my monthly pension now but i'm ok here. I live on my own and enjoy my simple life here. Well, if i can find my special one, that would be much happier for sure. ^_^

Dear, i'm learning English in a training school but i feel so hard to remember the words and sentences. But if you say "i love you", i can understand it. so don't worry about that~ ^_^ so you are learning Chinese as well?! So glad to hear that! When i say "wo ai ni" i also hope you can understand me. ^_^ let's learn together and fight for our bright future!! ^_^ yes, i speak mandarin though i'm in Zhanjiang where the local people speak cantonese. so what you are learning must be mandarin, right?! So when you come, we can talk with two languages, mandarin and English. I think there must be much fun when we communicate with each other, right. ^_^

Yes, Jessie is doing her wonderful job for us. When you come, if you don't mention here, i also want to invite her for a dinner with us.

Dear, i will close for now to shop for some food for dinner.

Take good care!

Missing you,
Alice

P.s. Glad you love the cute pic for you. Well, i think you are the cute bear and in his hands is my warm heart for you~ ^_^

[Irishman]

Thats a nice letter from a girl that's trying hard to impress her man.
Dont blow it Skip!

[Skip]

Thats a nice letter from a girl that's trying hard to impress her man.
Dont blow it Skip!

Gosh Irishman, could you be a little less direct?  

[JimB]

It really looks like you have a winner there Skip.  Get there as soon as possible so you dont lose her.

[Tiztom]

Skip, I wouldn't worry too much about telling her through the agency about the costs, the girl I'm talking to was told on the second and last EMF the exact cost, I basically told her it was too much to keep going with so it was private emails which were working but not too good( I got her email addy from the first EMF) she has organized her own interpreter at a much lower cost which I will pay when I meet her. What I did was break down the cost in Chinese RMB for each 2 way EMF, maybe she will be more accepting if you explain that over a 6 month period or whatever it would be cheaper to buy her a computer, you could even mention that if after you meet and it does not work she can give it back to you.
You could also look at ebay HK for one, may work out a lot cheaper for a 2nd hand one to be sent to her.
The smaller ones work out to be about $285 US and are already in China.
http://buyeng.ebay.com.hk/buying/hk/search/laptop_51148_-1_-1_-1_-1_-1_-1_-1_0_0_0_0_1_-1_1?_trksid=m38

[shaun]

Skip, it has been my fortune to be a part of this brotherhood.  Collectively they give very good advice.  I wouldn't begin to tell you what to do as I am a novice and have about the same amount of experience with Chinese women as you.  April is when I began looking.

[Hajo]

Skip, sounds like you found a real nice lady. Well, if it was me I would do like Irishman says and wait until you meet. Most of those ladies don't like us to spend to much money. I met mine in April too and I will visit her in 17 days (long time to wait, haha). She won't let me buy presents for her son or family. She just think it is a waste of money. So, I think it is very much up to the individual lady.

But you could try on ebay, like Tiztom said. You could tell her you got it very cheap. Again, she might not want it as long as you are not committed (have met).