Hello everyone,
My name is Robert and I’m new to this forum, although I’ve lurked for a while and have read through a very large number of the threads. I grew tired of the censored posts and cookie cutter jargon so prevalent on the forum at Chnlove and landed here, hoping to find solid answers to hard questions and solid advice for difficult situations.
I feel I know many of you after spending literally days of my free time pouring over the information and opinions written here. Although I am very new, I feel like a member of the Brotherhood. However, after reading my post I know some will wonder, ‘who the heck does this guy think he is?’
I have gathered that being welcomed into the Brotherhood is offered easily by some, but not by all. A perfect case in point is the way Proteus was received. I say this only because you do not know me, and I am new. I have not developed a reputation, have not yet contributed, and am not known. The thought I am about to offer may hit some the way I intended, and others in a different way. Hence I am trying to lay my framework carefully.
To offer some credibility to what I am about to say, I will tell you that I have been involved in a variety of Asian cultures for about 12 years. Most of my friends are Asian and I work with literally hundreds of Asian people on a daily basis. If you name a county in Asia, I most likely know someone from there. I am a manager in a hospitality related industry and our main focus is guest service. A lot of what I do involves keeping these Asian guests happy and solving any problems they have with our product. Additionally, my ex is Chinese and from a family that is as old school as they come. I have a fairly deep understanding of ‘face’ learned from my experiences with these people, my ex, and her rather large family.
Please know in advance I do not mean to offend anyone. I am not saying anyone is right, nor wrong, including me. This is offered in a peaceful manner for all to glean what they can. If that is nothing, I am sorry for wasting your time. However if I can help even one man, one of the Brotherhood, better the communication process with his Chinese lady, then I have accomplished my goal because they will have a greater chance of success.
Having said that, I will continue.
First, let’s take a look at communication. I have an idea in my head I want to relay to you. I encode that idea into words based on my life experiences and my understanding of the way things are .. then I speak those words. You hear those words and decode them based on your life experiences and your understanding of the way things are. The glitch here is the differences in my experiences vs your experiences and my understanding of things vs your understanding of things. All differences, no matter how small, generate some level of ‘static’ in the communication. Think about that for a moment .. try to get a picture in your mind.
Now let’s add to that picture a few variables. The person to whom you are relaying the idea is from a different culture, which means their life experiences and their understanding of things greatly differs from anything you could possibly encode. This is a super-glitch generating a lot of ‘static’. Now add another variable: the person also speaks a different language, so no matter what words you use, none of them will be understood.
Enter the translator, a third person in the communication process, who inadvertently adds another layer of ‘static’. Now you encode, the translator decodes, assimilates the idea based on what they perceive, changes the idea to the different language, then relays the idea. Only then, finally, does your lady have the idea you are trying to relay .. but it has been contaminated with ‘static’. Also don’t forget she still has to decode it based on her life experiences and understanding of things. Ever try to tune a radio station just out of reach? You hear some music mixed with static, then static, then music with static. If the song is one you don’t know, would you possibly be able to sing along? It is the exact same process when your lady tries to express an idea or thought to you.
I would now like to ask a rhetorical question: why assume you understand what the original thought or idea was? Keep in mind the process described above applies to ladies who understand English, only with the translator variable removed; even still, a very complicated process. So, why assume you exactly understand the original intent of the communication, or that she exactly understands your original intent?
I’m going to move into a relatively sensitive area at this point. Again, please remember I am not saying anyone is right, nor wrong, including me.
The 24-hour rule is great, but only while you are here and she is there. What will be your plan of action when you are living together as a couple? How will you be able to use the rule after a misunderstanding and she’s right next to you on the sofa? Am I saying to not use the 24-hour rule? No way. It is a great rule and should be used by everyone. So what am I saying? The need for the rule is indicative of a breakdown in the communication process. The fact that we need this rule is telling us ‘static’ corrupted a communication and has generated misunderstanding.
If you’ve stayed with me this long, press on a bit more. I am almost done. Remember the encoding/decoding process? Try telling a joke to someone, but drop out every third word (static) and see if they laugh. Try talking about a sensitive subject, like love or sex or marriage or family, and drop out every third word (static). Will you be misunderstood? Will they be offended? Will you be offended by their response?
Remember, the communication is pictured perfectly in your mind .. so you have an acceptable response pictured in your mind also. Then the communication runs through the encoding/decoding process with varying levels of static mixed in. She may misunderstand, give an inappropriate response, and you’re offended. This breakdown occurs both ways, so your response, based on a misunderstood communication, may offend her. Thus begins the downward spiral.
We, as Westerners, tend to be expressive. We stand up for what we believe in. We fight for what we feel is right. We point at something we feel is wrong. We challenge ideas we don’t believe in.
So, take this entire package and mix in our Western approach to things. We are offended, so begin to fight for what we feel is right. We did not receive what we feel is an appropriate response, so begin to point at what we feel is wrong.
Stop reading for a moment and get in touch with how you would feel at this point. Angry? Hurt? Let down? Do your best to focus on what your emotional state would be, and then decide how you would react toward your lady. For your benefit, don’t continue reading until you have a grasp on this: how would you feel, what would you do.
Okay, you have clearly pictured in your mind how you’d feel and how you’d react. Completely let go of that, put it in a basket and set it down. Now slip into your lady’s shoes, walk up to that basket and take a good, hard look at what’s inside. There was a communication attempt that got muddled by static, and this is what you received from your man. Is there love inside? Forgiveness? An attempt to be more clear? What is inside of your basket for your lady to receive?
My point is this: love will grow, communication will grow, but only in a nurturing environment. To better provide a nurturing environment, be patient, forgiving and kind. Most importantly, realize, at all times, that you may be acting or reacting inside a bubble of misunderstanding. Why put out a fire when you can prevent one? Why repair a bridge when you can avoid blowing it up? Saying, ‘I’m sorry my love, I’m not sure what your mean. Will you say it again differently?’ goes miles/kilometers beyond an inappropriate response to something we’ve misunderstood.
Not pointing fingers at anyone, but merely citing an example: take a look at some of the squabbles that have broken out in the threads amongst the Brotherhood. Generally speaking, they all get worked out in a positive way .. but they happened. We all speak English, are from relatively similar cultures, we’re the same gender and here for the same reasons .. yet misunderstandings happened. How much more easily could it happen between you and your lady, given the circumstances?
Always remember you may be operating inside a bubble of misunderstanding. Ask it again differently, or say it again differently. Just be sure there is complete understanding before going to the next level.
This is my humble opinion, respectfully submitted to the Brotherhood. I truly hope someone will find a golden nugget somewhere.
