Daily life of a married man

[Rhonald]

Thanks Maxx for sharring your history and for making good apple pie out of some bad apples. Your advice has always made sense so I guess you are our MASTER SENSEI here. You have taught us many ways of wisdom with your MAXX on & MAXX off technique.

[shaun]

Couldn't have said it better than Ron.  I humble bow to the greatness of 2 men.  Thanks Maxx for the post.

[Martin]

Excellent post Maxx!

[RobertBfrom aust]

Terrific post Maxx , Here in Melbourne it is a little different with a large Asian grocery just 5 minutes away by car and lots of Chinese for Suguan to talk to , as she has also been working after being here for only a week [ January ] and from little English now she can hold a conversation with anyone , much smarter than me , regards Robert .

[shaun]

Robert you make an interesting point. I do not know if any of you experience this but Peggy will tell me that I am very smart and that she is not smart but she is lucky to have a smart man like me. Of course you know where all of that kind of talk goes.

My natural inclination is to think OK, what does she want.  But I ignore that thought and tell her that yes you are very smart to which she replies no, no, no.   I point out to her how much English she has learned since we began talking and how little Chinese I have learned.

A couple of days ago Peggy went as far as to tell me that I am very smart but that she is stupid.  The hair rose up on the back of my neck and I insisted that she not say anything like that ever again.  After a discussion where she threw in words like culture and history I said look I think I know what you are saying.  I pointed out to her that she might not be formally educated through college but that along does not determine intelligence.  I pointed out to her that there have been many very intelligent people tat made major contributions in this world that did not have a formal college education.  I am not really sure whether either one of us are understanding the other here.

But Robert I agree these women are very smart, smarter than we are in many ways.

This all baffles me and think there two possibilities.  1. They like to build their men up and downplay their intelligence.  2. They really do want something... later, so they are buttering you up now.

Shaun

[RobertBfrom aust]

But Robert I agree these women are very smart, smarter than we are in many ways.

This all baffles me and think there two possibilities.  1. They like to build their men up and downplay their intelligence.  2. They really do want something... later, so they are buttering you up now.

Shaun , No , all they require is tender love and it will be returned 3 fold , but give them 3000 dollars and most of them will double it in 12 months - no bank required , ha ha , Yo [ her simplified name ] puts in a 9 hour day , but I get into trouble if I have a bbq Chicken sitting along with salads for when she arrives home , as she keeps on telling me it is her job to do the cooking , cleaning , and the dishwasher hardly ever gets used , and I have not learnt more than maybe 10 words in Mandarin since she arrived , regards Robert .

[maxx]

Shaun what I think is happening with Peggy is her insecurities are kicking in Peggy is telling you how worthless she thinks she  is.So that if she doe's screw something up in a major way.You will expect it.And not be to angry and kick her to the curb.It is a defense mechanism.That has ben bred into Chinese girls for centuries

With out me knowing Peggy personally it is just a guess on my part.I know a women in China.That it took her better then 20 years.To get over.The abuse her ex husband.And the other men in her life have given her.Now it is like somebody flipped a switch.She has a American husband.Both of her daughters have graduated college.She buys a new car every year.Each year the car is a little more expensive.She remolded her house bought her daughters a house.And bought a store front.And is thinking of buying another house.Just to rent.To somebody.

She has done all of this with her money.Not her husband.The only thing her husband has done.Is offered her his support.So it shows you with a little support.A Chinese woman can go along way.

[shaun]

Maxx I think you are right.    I think at this point I will PM you.

[Philip]

Maxx.
That's what I'm talking about!
Your experience is invaluable. I don't know whether to be excited or scared at what lies ahead for me. So I'll settle for both. Yesterday, it was a year since I write a cupid note to my wife on that quaint phenomenon known as Chnlove.
My wife has two children, a boy of 12 and a girl of 7. I haven't even met them yet, except briefly on webcam. There are many things I don't know about them. There are probably many other things that I don't know that I don't know. I know there is nothing my wife wouldn't do for me. By the same token, there is nothing she wouldn't do for her kids. I don't know how these loyalties square with each other, but as they say in England, it all comes out in the wash.
I hope that other married guys now step up to the plate, and give us the benefit of their wisdom. Who knows, in ten, fifteen years time, there'll be a convention for good ole Chnlove boys sitting on the biggest porch swing in the world, reminiscing about those unhappy years BC (Before China) and celebrating their happy marriages.

[David E]

Shaun and all

That is a very fascinating topic we have raised here.
I have puzzled about it for sometime.

Ming has gone ahead and done all the organising for our wedding, she has done so much...booked my Hotel, sorted the wedding venue (Registrar), organised the trip to GZ to get the correct document, found an English speaking hostess for the wedding party, been to various shops to buy alcohol and wine, choseen the wedding dinner venue, organised decorations and other such stuff, negotiated the menu and done a thousand other things. I know that the end result will be perfect and complete. I have basically sat here in Perth, with a smile and words of encouragement and provided the money !!! At the same time, she has worked 9 hours a day...6 days a week and done all her own stuff (cooking, housework) etc

When I compliment her that she is very clever Lady to do all this so well, it is almost if I insult her...she gets very indignant and insists that I am the clever one in the relationship, not her.

So I stop saying this, instead I say she is beautiful and sexy !!!!...which always provokes a much more pleased response ...go figure. If I were to say this to a Western Woman, I would get my ass kicked for being a chauvinist pig...you know the drill !!....appearance does not matter, intelligence does, blah, blah, blah.

My take on it may be all skewed but I am convinced it is a programmed, cultural thing. In their Patriarchal society, it is not the woman's role to be seen as clever...this province belongs strictly to Men. I think Chinese men have more delicate ego's than us and it is a big no, no for them to admit that a mere woman can be clever. The women grow up indoctrinated that this is so.

I used to try very hard to debate with Ming the differences in attitudes held by Western Men and Chinese Men, but I did not get very far, she was not particularly interested in this subject, she wanted to see the World in her way and to divert from this view was too big for her...at this time. Hopefully, over time she will understand and accept more and more of our "Western" thinking on this subject. For now though, it is no big deal and I leave well alone. I KNOW she is a very clever Lady, and I am sure that deep down, so does she. But it challenges too much of her cultural background to be comfortable with the subject.

In fact, she always takes particular care to stoke up my ego...and I dont complain...it is nice to be praised and appreciated...as i say , a very clever Lady, she knows very well how to get me all puffed up and happy (hahaha)

Gotta love'em dont you

[Arnold]

David , that really reminds me .. as Qing pretty much took control of all of our planned wedding in August '08 back in May on my first Visit to China . The only difference was that I was there with her and get to take all this IN in Person how smart and down to perfection she has handled all that was needed to be taken care of . I also was just the Person who Pay's for it all and she of course let me never forget .. I was her Groom to be .
At Home now , she does everything to make me as comfortable as can be ( bringing my Slipper's to the Door as I come home ) . I had never had it so great .. been so pampered in my Life like right now . I don't even have to ask for any of this and I wouldn't even want to ask for such things , but it makes her happy .. so ? I can live with it and if there is a Hick-up in the Marriage here and there , guess what ? It makes it sooo much easier to correct . All I need to do is look at her and my Heart starts to melt . One thing I insist on .. I'm luckier than she is . Now don't argue with that .

[maxx]

David you are  right.About the Chinese male ego.It is very fragile.Especially when it comes to ever thinking a woman can be smarter then a man.The fragile ego thing seams to be more with the older generation thing.My brother in law and his friends don't seem to have a problem with there wives and girlfriends take charge.To a certain point.But there is definitely a limit there to.

My sister in law had a boyfriend.He came from a good family.With a good reputation.They had a little money.He was one of these hip Chinese guys.Who owned a computer store.That actually made some money.The boyfriend and my sister in law got into a argument about what they were going to do one night.He didn't like her idea.So he beat the hell out of her.Then went to her mother's house and talked bad about my sister in law to her mother.Two days after all this happened.The boyfriends mother shows up at my mother in law's house.And tells my motherinlaw.That it is ok for her son to beat his girlfriend.The boys mother got a regular beating.So she thought it was ok.For the man to beat the woman.

So as you can see it is something that is ingrained in the older generation mind set.And all of this does transfer over to there day to day lives.And how they deal with every day life.And as we all know.You can only kick someone around for so long until they either except it.Or run away.Or they rise up.And hack the offending party into little pieces.One night while they are sleeping.

As far as Ming planning the wedding and doing all the other things in her life.She thinks that is woman's work.You are not to be bothered with such trivial things.Your job is just to supply the money.And a little encouragement.And show up the right day at the right time.And do the right thing.When Ming comes to Aussie land.Do not help clean the house.For at least the first month.Ming will think she is a bad wife.And it will take you half a hour to get her settled down.And another half hour to explain.How that kind of thing is done in the west.

With you giving her compliments.She has probably not ben complimented to much in her life.So it does embarrass her.It took my wife a couple of weeks before.She wasn't embarrassed when I would tell her how smart she was.Or how beautiful she is.So they do get passed it.It mite take a little while.

For those who are wondering what happened to the boyfriend.My brother in law and a couple of friends payed him a visit at his store.They told him to close his store and leave town.The boyfriend told my brother in law to get lost.He wasn't going anywhere.My brother in law told the boyfriend that.It was ok.Older foreign brother was coming to town.In a month.And that I was very angry that he would beat my little sister.The boyfriend closed the store 2 days latter.And left town.No one knows where he went. I'm ussualy the only foreigner in that part of town.And I think I was in the guys store on a previous trip.So I'm real sure he had seen me before

[maxx]

Phillip yes this is a big step.That will overwhelm most people.The only way I could get threw the first year.Was take it one day at a time.And only take on one miner emergency at a time.If you can do that.And remember the 24 hour rule.And different country different custom rule.You should do ok.

[Martin]

As far as Ming planning the wedding and doing all the other things in her life.She thinks that is woman's work.You are not to be bothered with such trivial things.Your job is just to supply the money.And a little encouragement.And show up the right day at the right time.And do the right thing

That's pretty much how my wedding went.  My criteria was that it was video taped, which she readily agreed to...and I was drinking water when toasting the 24 tables of guests.  That was a tough sell.  But like Maxx said, I was basically expected to show up on the right day at the right time.  All other details were worked out for me ahead of time.  Even the bouquet of flowers that I brought to her were pre arranged by someone else.

[David E]

Yep

I have a lot of sympathy with your story about the abused wife Maxx.

I sat there with my blood running cold and murder in my heart when Ming calmly told me about her experiences with her Ex. He was a gambler and a drunk....he took all her wages every week and wasted them in 2 days flat !! When she could not produce any more money to feed his addictions...she got a beating !!

He mortgaged their apartment up to the hilt to get more money to gamble with...and of course did not tell her !!! When the Bank foreclosed, it was all her fault according to him, so she got an extra special beating which put her into Hospital.

By Aus standards, this guy would have been doing time at this point for GBH....that is if somebody had not knee-capped him in the meantime. But in her world, he was free as a bird .

I would not suggest that this sort of thing does not happen in our World...but at least there are some legal and social mechanisms in place to help, if needed. In fact, if there are any children involved in the partnership, our system jumps hard on violent Men...so it should.

It isnt hard to realise that a little kindness goes a long, long way with these lovely Women....and I am sure this woman of mine deserves an even break with a good Man...lucky that she found one 

11 days to go !!

David